DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

To be fair, this is what, day 5? If the DH is still runnning away in a few days/weeks, then there is a big problem. Right now, I would say that he is responding as many men would and do. Even when a pregnancy is very much planned and longed for, both men and women find the reality a huge shock in the initial weeks. This isn't even his baby. He didn't even know she was having sex, probably didn't know that she could get pregnant yet.

Tess is also in shock. The last thing she needs is people ripping her DH apart and hanging him out to dry.

Termination may not be gruesome. She could have an GA and the proceedure could be done with little physical and emotional distress, during the actual proceedure itself. She would have to be in a fit emotional state before and after. I mean she would need support and counselling. Before and after.
I am not saying it is an easy option. But it is still an option.
Marie stopes offer this up to 19 weeks, don't they, possibly ?

"Let's not forget he was the first one to say she could continue with the PG."

Self-serving twattery.

Giving DSD what she wants at somebody else's expense and getting to feel like the good Dad while he leave somebody else to do the parenting.

Sorting this out is HIS JOB.

Dressing down is what you do to children.

I agree with the people saying Tess should get out of town until he figures out how to be a man and parent his own daughter adequately.

"Right now, I would say that he is responding as many men would and do."

Oh right, so all men are cunts is your point, not just him?

Well not IME.

If you demand more, you get more.

Spidookly I think you are being quite agressive. Post as you think best, but I stand by my earlier post. Tess has stated that she feels abortion is nolonger an appropriate 'solution', no matter how much she would have preferred it if the pregnancy had been at an earlier stage. I think that she now needs support and practical help to minimise the burden that this situation will have on her and her family.

Tess, I hope your DH is starting to talk more sensibly with you. You are doing great.

Is it maybe time to start thinking more closely about adoption?

I only say that because I think serious reality checks are going to have to hit home, and quickly, for your DSD - I think it would still be a good plan to get her to stay with someone who has a new baby for 24 hours if possible, meet teenage mums, talk to anyone in the family/friends circle who is having a blast at uni/pursuing a dream career etc. Not suggesting you show her these things to see 'what she's missing/will have to suffer', but to prepare her for what life really will be like. Not keeping the baby is still an option if it could be adopted, although I appreciate with her own birth mother history that decision could be a real struggle.

Perhaps one way to show her that it can work is to demonstrate how you ARE her mother in so many ways, even though not a blood relative, and her baby can have the same too?

Thinking of you Tess.

Have to say, it was pretty bloody rich of the DH to castigate poor Tess for not treating the DSD as her own daughter.

ONE half of this couple is acting like a responsible, loving parent.

ONE is acting like they've only known the kid a few months and don't really want the responsibility.

And it has bugger all to do with genetics.

Tess, you are amazing. Please listen to everyone who's telling you to stand up for your own needs, as well as your DSD's.

Spidookly, x posts. I don't use that language, so no, that is not my point. I think that many men have a different emotional response to difficult situations. Many women turn to others and talk it out, many men retreat and step-back. Many, not all. IME.

'No-one EVER thinks about the consequences on the broader shouldered people.'

Well isn't that just fucking right.

as an experienced mother, Tess knows what looking after a baby entails and if she does not want to take this on, I cannot see how anyone can expect her to.

I know the 14 year old wants a baby and I understand her not wanting to have an abortion but it doesn't sound to me as if she is going to manage with the baby. Maybe she will but I have strong doubts.

I suppose the family has talked through whether adoption would be an option at all.

Lougle, I think the point is, how come he gets to run away/ bury his head in the sand/ panic?

Tess isn't being afforded that luxury. And on top of him dissolving while she attends GP appointments/ scans/ talks to dd - he has the audacity to tell her that thats how it will always be, that she will be the one to look after the baby and get up in the night

It might not be helpful to call him a cunt but it might also be cathartic for Tess to see others acknowledge just how bloody unfair this is.

Tess seems like an extraordinarily reasonable person and to come out of her DSDs room so angry says to me that whatever was discussed has shown this young woman has been very aware of what she's been doing by delaying things, and yes maybe even planning it.

I am so sorry Tess I hope you get some help this evening.

Unless I'm mistaken, DSD got Tess to agree not to make her have an abortion following her "report" of what the Sonographer had told her.

Given that it's now clear that DSD had already known how far along she was, and had specifically asked about the procedure, it's fair to say that Tess was coerced into that decision.

I really hope that your (D)H has stepped up to the plate this evening, and that you're ok Tess.

I know, BarnacleBill I don't think it is fair, I just also don't think that her DH is unusual. Tess says that they have had 12 good years of marriage. Presumably when her DSD was left on their doorstep, that was a difficult time and he pulled through. I am sure that he will again. Tess didn't have to do any of what she did. She did it because she is a mother and loves her DSD, no matter how hard it is.

Lougle, Tess is probably as confused as everyone else. Maybe her initial reaction was should wouldn't consider pressing the idea of an abortion so late but maybe after review of the consequences she might actually think it the lesser of two evils now. Events are probably changing by the minute in her household. I think it should still be an option. I'd be very annoyed if the DH did say she can keep it automatically. Abortion wouldn't be easy but long term I think she could turn round and realise it was for the best - she might hate them for years though but the alternative will be life changing for everyone. It sounds like the DSD is dictating everything and I think the parents need to be making the decisions. Not force her - you couldn't physically anyway - but I'd be putting a lot of effort into persuading her in terms of relating the facts of what could happen - basically the family could be blown apart and the DSD might end up in foster care.

WhatWouldMadonnaDo, her DSD has been adamant from the start that she is "keeping it". Tess was trying to encourage her otherwise, but now that she is found to be 15+4, says she feels differently.

Not necessarily self-serving twattery spidookly I'm not sure what element of this is self-serving? I'm sure he will be hugely inconvenienced also. Not to the same extent as Tess, granted, but he's doing this out of a sense of guilt. He clearly can't say the word NO to his daughter. But then apparently, he isn't entitled to say NO anyway - so what difference does it make in the end?

He's got his head in the sand, the same as the girl. He's in shock and not thinking straight. HE is in the wrong, yes. He needs to listen to Tess's POV, yes.

But making him the complete demon in this is futile. He's looking for the path of least resistance, that's all. cowardly, but not wicked.

Have been lurking on this thread, but just wanted to also send you support Tess, so much for you all to deal with. I live in the midlands and work with teenagers. In this area there are special school units for teenage moms with childcare on site for their babies, to study GCSE and A levels. There should be a midwife in your area that works with teenagers and they should be able to refer you to any support in your area, and also the Head of Yr in DSD School. If she is nearly 16 wks she won't be able to keep it secret at school much longer, so you will need to meet with DSD Head of Yr to discuss options, including meeting with any specialist education in your area. She could go when preg and they do a young mums-to-be course which focusses in caring for a baby. Hope you can get some support.

Does anyone know how soon 'officialdom' (SS,
HV etc) gets involved?

Do they come to Tess and the family or does Tess have to request their help?

I'm just wondering how quickly decision making help/counselling/information regarding mother and baby units etc will be available.

Tabliope I agree, Tess probably is very confused. I hope she realises that even those of us on this thread who feel strongly against abortion (admittedly in a minority), especially at 16 weeks, would want to give her as much support as possible, no matter what the outcome.

Agree with Spidookly - that's a powerful argument that DH needs to hear. He has to man up so that DSD sees that he is there for her, and show her that, unlike her mother, she does have a very concerned parent, here, now, and who loves and wants the best for her, here and now. This comes full circle to the root of the problem: DSDs feelings of rejection at the hands of her mother and her desire for a baby to repair that damage.

I think DH needs to reassure DSD of his love for her as well as step up to the plate practically: Words AND actions (attending appointments, doing research, organising counselling). He needs to tell her how glad he is she came to live with you and how lucky he is because a lot of separated fathers don't get that opportunity and he has, and also that, while he is angry with her for putting everyone in this situation*, he still loves her and always will. It is her mum's loss, and even if he hadn't wanted it to happen the way it did, it is absolutely his gain. Even now. And that he is going to organise counselling so that all these issues can be spoken about.

That is absolutely no criticism of you Tess (and Tess you are very much her parent as has been shown by all your posts) and the love you have shown your DSD. It is just pure biological fact, in the same way that adoptive parents I am sure realise why their child's desire to find their biological parents is in no way a rejection of them or their parenting or love (although I should imagine still exceptionally tough for them to deal with emotionally even if you've always been preparing for it mentally).

And Tess - do go away. Plan something fun with the boys if you can - is there someone you can go and stay with and do Halloween things with for a long weekend? Ask DSD and DH to sit down together and talk about how they are going to practically approach this, and that will not include you caring for the baby anymore than a GM who lived 30 minutes away and would pop in for visits.

*Having followed the thread I do realise that it is more than likely this was a planned pregnancy, but that doesn't make me feel any less sorry for DSD because as a 14 year old she has acted on deep-seated desires without thinking of practicalities - which is pretty desperate.

'I'd be putting a lot of effort into persuading her in terms of relating the facts of what could happen - basically the family could be blown apart and the DSD might end up in foster care.'

What the DSD has done (along with the father of this baby) is one thing. What others (adults all) do now in response is up to them. It is really unfair to saddle this 14 year old with the responsibility of making or breaking the family unit. That is emotional bullying.

mathanxiety agree.

"I'm sure he will be hugely inconvenienced also. Not to the same extent as Tess, granted"

No, no, no.

Things need to be worked out so that he is just as inconvenienced by this as Tess, if not more so.

There is no reason on earth why he can't be the primary support for his daughter through this.

Taking the path of least resistance when that means taking advantage of someone else is a horrible, horrible way to treat someone.

I had some sympathy for the night out on the booze and leaving Tess to do the initial chat and the GP appointment.

But it is truly shocking to me that anybody could be as irresponsible as he is being now.

His daughter needs him more than ever and he's nowhere.

His wife has told him that she can't deal with this and he's just dropping it in her lap.

Being a man does not mean you get to have endless excuses made for you while you please yourself.

You are amazing, Tess.

That's why you owe it to yourself to hopefully take a couple of days away, on your own, and sort out some counselling for yourself and look after yourself and see where you need to go with this.

Because we all have to live in the here and now and here is your here and now:
a) the girl is going to have the baby and keep it.
b) she and your DH exepct you to do the lion's share of the childcare, which has a strong emotional component as well as physical.

She's already tried talking to the DH. She tried that and then he bottled the scan.

So need to leave that and try a different tack: get away and take some stock of where you need to go with this.