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Original poster

DSD abortion thread part II

946 replies

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 26/10/2010 21:05

carry on ladies....

OP posts:
tegan · 27/10/2010 19:50

Tess i would be so angry at the hospital if they had ever said that to my dd. I know she needs to know her options but surely legally she is still a child and as such you should be there if those kinds of things are going to be explained.

Also her niavity and immaturity show if she is nearly 16 wks pg and not realised she had missed 3 or 4 periods.

I really hope you and your family will be getting some proper support from other family members and friends

BarnacleBill · 27/10/2010 19:50

I wonder if dsd's school, or some other local family planning type place, uses one of those doll's that are programmed to behave like a real baby?

I remember reading that when they have been used (teens have the doll overnight or for a weekend) they really remove any cosy idea of what caring for a baby entails. It cant be switched off and shows the utter relentlessness of a baby's needs.

I realise you said, Tess, that the extent of the pg meant termination was pretty much out but if this were me I definitely would be seeing if I could get my hands on one of these dolls. Seems silly but they're apparently very effective at making teens relise the reality of a baby.

borderslass · 27/10/2010 19:53

BarnacleBill
One of those dolls is a bit late their designed to put kids off having babies.

terryble · 27/10/2010 19:53

It seems to me that it is fundamentally unreasonable to expect Tess to take on responsibility for the grandchild she didn't ask for when he himself isn't feeling capable of carrying out his responsibilities and duties to his own daughter. I have no idea how Tess can get him to snap himself out it, though. It really isn't fair though. I really hope he goes back to his normal self soon, because DSD can't go in a stasis chamber while he adjusts! Tess and DSD need him now.

Lougle · 27/10/2010 19:53

I think it is quite unhelpful to argue about whether the DSD should have an abortion now. Tess has said

"I don't think I would still have asked DSD to get an abortion at nearly 16 weeks anyway ...and I've said I won't and neither will her Dad."

So Tess has made her decision, the right one IMO.

There are now just under 6 months to sort out their family relationship, the financial help that her DSD can get, and how to go about that, and getting real support for her DSD, so that Tess isn't the only supportive factor.

So perhaps we should focus on support and practical help for Tess, rather than debating what level of force should be used to get her DSD to have an abortion or an amnio, and how awful her DH is.

grapeandlemon · 27/10/2010 19:55

So she has basically been waiting until she was far gone enough that abortion emotionally wouldn't have been an option? She really planned and wanted this baby from the word go didn't she?

The more you post the more it sounds like she has a whole other life you and your H were not aware of and she has been making these crazy plans of having a baby/ doll she thinks will magically just fall into place, going to school and pushing it around town when she feels like it - all the donkey work and drudgery pivoting on you of course!

God she is in for a shock when the PG takes hold let alone when the newborn child is here. You know I was 28, happily married and financially stable when I had DD and I used to pace the floors at 4am sobbing to DH that I had made a dreadful mistake. I can so relate to expat's scenario of the rush of panic with that newborn cry.

Oh Tess, I am not surprised you feel like it is happening to someone else. It is Twighlight Zone stuff. Sad

I can only agree with the suggestions that you make DSD start wising up now to what she has done and ALL the ramifications.

BarnacleBill · 27/10/2010 19:55

Borderslass

Not too late at all. Termination is still an option.

spidookly · 27/10/2010 19:56

Maybe we should all contribute as we see fit and not follow somebody else's agenda?

scaryteacher · 27/10/2010 20:03

I don't know how you'd deal with this. I would still want abortion on the table as an option, as it is still legal up to 24 weeks and in some cases beyond. If they find out who the father is, does he not have a say also?

sungirltan · 27/10/2010 20:03

imo termination at this stage would be pretty gruesome. you can argue that at a few weeks that its just a bunch of cells, which it is but at 4 months its quite different.

i'm sorry but i expect what went through dsd's mind was 'if i tell them too soon they will make me have an abortion' - looks like she was half right but i'm glad some of the posters here arn't her parents because she'd have been 100% right!

obviously having a baby at 14 within an unwilling family is far from ideal but its too late now - whats important is what is ehtically right. it seems as if dsd has become the demon here instead of being a vulnerable child.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 27/10/2010 20:04

father has no legal say what so ever.

I have been pondering.. there isn't a teacher involved, si that why she is not revealing the fathers ID?

HelenaCC · 27/10/2010 20:05

Tess I have lurked on these two threads and wanted to add my support. My heart goes out to you in such a terrible situation. I hope you can remain so strong as you have done up to now and let your DSD take responsibility for her actions. The only way that will happen is if you never compromise on your original aims to not raise this child and I know that gets harder and harder once the baby arrives.

I feel for you that your H is already turning against you at such an early stage. I hope with the help of a counsellor you can resolve your differences and he can see how unfair he is being to you and his sons.

Original poster
GivesHeadlessHorseman · 27/10/2010 20:05

Look Sipdookly, Tess may not be the birthmother but when you marry a man with previous you pretty much have to accept that his kids are part of the deal for better or worse. Tess may not have anticipated having her DSD living with her from such a young age, but there we are - it happened, and she stepped up to the plate. Now is not the time to start nit-picking about biology. SHE IS TESS'S DAUGHTER. Tess is the only functional loving mother this girl has. And Tess has said that she would feel no different about this whether she was the birth mother or not.

Personally, I think her DH would be right o be a bit fucked off if Tess withdrew her support purely on the small print - but she hasn't.

My DH leaves almost all day to day practical childcare decisions to me. Not because he doesn't care, but because he has always been out of the house for 12 or more hours a day, and I haven't.

Yes, I agree this man could be being WAAY more supportive of Tess's needs, but he is carrying alot of guilt and fear over his daughter too. I don't think he's a cunt. I'm sure he's a very good man. He is just not thinking straight (or fair) right now. Let's not forget he was the first one to say she could continue with the PG. (misguided in my opinion, but there we are.) He certainly hasn't abandoned her, he has just taken the coward's way out and left Tess to do all the awkward stuff.

He needs a bit of a dressing down, not burning at the stake!

OP posts:
Lougle · 27/10/2010 20:06

spidookly, surely the only agenda here is what is going to support Tess?

mathanxiety · 27/10/2010 20:07

I think what the DSD said was that she knew she could get pregnant if she didn't use protection, not that it was deliberate. I think she was just looking for love in all the wrong places and is wondering what on earth happened to some extent even now.

And I agree with Lougle that the abortion train has left the station and what everyone needs is to sort out the practicalities including the really important one of the relationship between Tess and her H, and hope the DSD surprises everyone.

spidookly · 27/10/2010 20:07

"and he can see how unfair he is being to you and his sons."

and his daughter.

The only person he's being good to right now is himself.

Apparently it makes him feel like a good father to palm his daughters problems off and leave his wife to deal with them.

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 27/10/2010 20:07

No one can force her to have an abortion but it would be best for the whole family suntangirl if she hadn't put them in this situation. A dad who is running away, a mum who isn't on the scene and a stepmother left to pick up the pieces on here own is hardly an ideal start in life is it?

Tess - I think you're being amazingly selfless. I really take my hat off to you and hope you can all navigate your way through this

Tootlesmummy · 27/10/2010 20:07

Tess, I am so sorry you are in this position.

I agree with others that a few days away for you may help you and DH to see things a little more clearly before you make decisions through frustration and anger.

Your DH hasn't been much help so far and I really hope that when he came home tonight he stepped up to the plate and took on more of the responsibility and burden from you.

Thinking of you and your family at what must be an awful time.

spidookly · 27/10/2010 20:08

Yes, Lougle, but you don't get to decide how that agenda is met.

Everyone here is trying to support her and she has said she appreciates the variety of contributions.

So how about stop telling the rest of us what we're allowed to talk about?

mathanxiety · 27/10/2010 20:09

Greyskull, that is what I am thinking wrt the paternity of the baby.

ZZZenAgain · 27/10/2010 20:09

I'm so sorry for you Tess. I agree with the poster who suggested that you leave for a few days if you can.

borderslass · 27/10/2010 20:09

I would never coerce a 14 year old into a termination from what I've heard women suffer for years afterwards with guilt and that is to much to put on a confused child.

However Tess's DH needs to step up to the mark and take on the responsibility and support both his DD and her or he could face losing them both.

Quattrocento · 27/10/2010 20:10

"Feeling v. sorry for myself at the moment. I know it's life, but god. Why me?"

I sometimes feel like this about trivial stuff, but then I realised that people universally, the world over, will devolve responsibility upon a pair of broad shoulders.

No-one ever EVER thinks of the consequences upon the broad shouldered people.

So Tess. I sense that you are a broad-shouldered person. But please do think about this. You are taking it for granted that you will give up the next umpteen years of your life caring for a step grandchild.

Please do think again. It's your life, and you can see already that you are not going to get any thanks for this from anyone. Let them all face the consequences of their choices

mathanxiety · 27/10/2010 20:10

Tess, would you feel so apprehensive about everything if your DH had stepped up right from the start and not gone out drinking, etc?

spidookly · 27/10/2010 20:11

GivesHead

I tried to make it clear that I was talking about how DSD would perceive it, not about how Tess feels about DSD.

She is being a wonderful mother to her DSD, I am casting no aspersions on that at all.

The point I am (ham-fistedly perhaps) trying to make is that this girl KNOWS that Tess is not her mother.

As much as she might love Tess, I'm sure she wants (and needs) her Dad to step up to the plate here.