DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

That your DSD has managed to concesal this for so long. Unfortunately, you cannot make her have an amnio, or even be privy to the results if she did have one. I think it sounds very likely that she fell pregnant on this school trip, and it possibly wasn't to someone from her own school...hence she really may NOT have that many details, and is possibly ashamed? Either that or it is someone from her school, still another teenager nonetheless. How bad was the lack of supervision on this trip? .

I'm of the same mind as expatinscotland and spidookly..if this was me I'd be getting off this roundabout ASAP!

I'd need time away to sort myself out and let those who are NOT willing to face this with me, just get on with it.

A few days away for yourself will not make any difference to the amount of things that may need organising. They will still be there when you get back, but at least you will have a clearer idea of what exactly you want/need/can cope with.

I feel you're getting sucked in and under here Tess and feel very angry on your behalf.

DH and DSD already have you placed as prime carer imo.

I don´t think it´s fair to blame the school tbh.

Are they supposed to post guards outside the rooms?

An organisation I've worked for did exactly that on kids residential courses when necessary. Everyone took turns.

And what would you actually do to her, RunawayPunpkin?

They don't force abortions on girls in this country. Try Iran.

The school might be expected to make sure pairs of teenagers didn't have spare time in secluded places together. Most schools have policies in place to prevent drinking, etc., on school trips and what sort of eejity school administration wouldn't consider the possibility of sex among teenagers too when drawing up their protocols?

Yes, Tess.

Have the talk tonight. Tell them that the arrival of this baby is inevitably going to impact on you as much as anyone, the difference between you and dsd being that you do not want a baby to look after. Tell them this has shocked you so much that you have to get away for a couple of days - and then please please please do it.

Both of them have to face up to what they are expecting of you.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr at your dsd. As an uninvolved outsider I find it hard to have much sympathy for her, but then I do know that the selfishness of teenagers is only a (very small) notch down from the selfishness of toddlers.

If teenagers want to have sex they'll find a way.

Looking for 3rd parties to blame here is pointless.

Why is an abortion totally out of the question ? I of course read that dd refused to discuss one. screamed and cried that she didn't want one. of course i understand that she is upset.
But she could be persuaded to atleast consider it.
If Op decides that this is what she thinks may be best. and if dh agrees. they could persuade dd.
It is still AN option. isn't it ?

mathanxiety "Spidookly, what a great post."

Spidookly "What an utter, utter, utter cunt he is."

Yes, I'm sure what the OP really needs is people making offensive and hysterical snap judgements about a man they know nothing of apart from a brief couple of snapshots of his behaviour under extreme stress and distress. A man that the OP loves and states has been a wonderful husband and father.

Very useful that, yes.

I'm going back to reading just Tess' posts from now on.

Haven't read it all - sorry.

But if she has the baby, social services will most likely be involved as she is so young.

They will determine whether she is of fit mind/ability to look after the child, but if she has no parental/home support - and especially if you and DH are at loggerheads and in an unresolved situation, they are likely to take her and the baby into care - either a mother and baby home or a mother and baby foster care situation.

Just something to think about if you/ her dad are still not willing/able to support her after the birth.

What I mean is, if she is going to keep the baby she needs to be aware she may go into care if her home life with the baby is not going to be stable.

Agree 100% with Spidookly.

The only way to make H step up and put the 'grown man and father' suit on is for Tess to just stop. Tess, you've done more than your fair share for now.

DSD is very lucky to have you and H doesn't deserve you.

Calling him a cunt is perhaps a bit much, but this girl has been abandoned by her mother & her own father can´t face going to a scan?

So, let down by both her parents.

Hysterical?

Tess has already stated that she has contemplated taking the boys and leaving him. And that he wasn't much help when the boys were babies, and that he blithely assumed she would drop her business and take care of a baby, and that she has been left to attend the scan because he 'wasn't ready'.

I hardly think anyone has jumped to hurtful or unwarranted conclusions here, or is being hysterical (whatever that means, sounds like a very gender specific criticism to me).

foreverastudent are you having a laugh? Please, please don't try to make this the school's fault. The only people to blame are the two young people involved, and more than them x 100 it's the girl's birth mother.

What Tess really doesn't need right now is a 'have you been injured at work?' scenario to deal consider on top of everything else. Though of course if it did happen on the school trip they should be told, for future reference and preventative measures.

But if this girl was hell-bent on a baby of her own it would have happened any time, any place.

Also, while I'm at it, she may well think she knows what she's letting herself in for -as you have helpfully pointed out, girls intent on pregnancy are very good at researching their rights. Sadly, they have no clue as to their responsibilities.

And whilst I agree that this thread is primarily about supporting Tess, I could cry for this poor girl, and what she thinks she wants.

I do think that you now NEED to give your DH a huge dose of reality, Tess. A few nights away may help you to calm down a bit, and your DH to step up for his DD. He cannot go on abdicating any responsibility for this situation, and heaping it all on you. She is as much his DD as she is yours, and I cannot believe that he would have left his DD to go to the scan alone if you had refused. But he knew you wouldn't refuse. He is already passing all the responsibilities for your dsd's care to you, and if you carry on letting it happen, I am beginning to think he won't see a reason to change that.

You need to get your DH to talk to her about the amnio, that will show that he is taking some of the burden of this difficult situation off your shoulders.

I think talking to some RL friends may help you as well, and give you a more tailored outlook on your DH's behaviour, as they may be more sure that this is 'unusual' behaviour for your DH, or if there have been signs that he would react this way when under strain. And it will give you some good comfort (from a real hug) that none of us online can give you (much as we may want to!)

Oh crikey.. ok I know I posted earlier saying that you needed to give dh time but now that time has passed - I cannot believe he refused to go the scan :( I think you need to step back and say to dh he needs to sort things out with dd before you go any further - you cannot keep shouldering the burden of this.
hugs for all you

"Just something to think about if you/ her dad are still not willing/able to support her after the birth. "

I think Tess is more than willing to support-just not bring the baby up!

Oh Tess, just read your updates and am so for you.

You must be feeling so angry right now knowing DSD has concealed this pregnancy for so long, and that she was perhaps considering termination at one point and has now changed her mind.

You're obviously a fantastic mum to her, but I do think you need her to see how angry/disappointed you are, and again make it clear that this is not going to be your baby. Don't shield her too much from the impact of her actions on your family.

Has DSD come up with ay practical ideas about how she is going to care for a baby and study etc? If she has done research maybe she already has plans that she could tell you about? I also agree that you need to start giving her more responsibilities around the home-she has to get used to the fact that she will have no social life once this baby arrives. She can't be going out all the time, and dancing in her room etc, she needs know she has to grow up now.

Again I think you're handling this situation so well-perhaps that's why your husband isn't stepping up. I think if you can it would do you good to get away for a night or two and let DH and DSD sort a few things out. Unless DH would continue sticking his head in the sand...

WRT the father of the baby- I do think you need to know, and that you should try and get the info from her. Tell her it could impact the health of her baby.

Poor you Tess, and poor DSD- I feel not only did she want someone of her own who would love her unconditionally, I think she wanted to feel validated/loved by you and her father too, even to be the centre of attention (not saying for a minute you don't love her, just that a teen's perception can be so diferently from the reality).

Thinking of you all.

Extreme stress is not an excuse for abandoning your daughter when she needs you.

Nor is it an excuse for fucking over your wife.

If the shit hits the fan and you look after yourself while your wife and child struggle then you are a cunt.

The snapshot can only show what's there.

And what's there is a man child who is going out boozing and whingeing like a little baby when he is required to act like an adult.

RunawayPumpkin I like your style. Are you Alouiseg in disguise?

Tess still thinking of you, hope you get some RL support.

It seems like DSD planned to get pregnant and then concealed it for several months. But as she's almost 16 weeks you said she will not be pushed into having an abortion - presumably that was why she waited so long to say.

Although clearly she can't be forced, Tess and her DH could push significant pressure on DSD to have an abortion - starting with forcing DSD to consider the impact of having a baby on the rest of her life - school, career, future relationships etc and the lifes of Tess and her father and younger brothers.

Yes an abortion at 16 weeks is not ideal but it could be under GA and not be traumatic. I am usually quite anti-abortion especially late ones but do feel in this case it would be best for everyone including the unborn baby.

"She is as much his DD as she is yours"

No, she's more his DD.

That is not to say that Tess doesn't love her as a daughter.

But it DOES mean that this girls KNOWS that Tess is not her mother.

She KNOWS and REMEMBERS that 5 years ago her mother dumped her on her father.

She is there and can see that her OWN FATHER is now dumping her on her stepmother.

How can he do that to her?

It's unconscionable, it really is.

Yep, how did I forget the boozing....

Oh dear Tess - I so hoped she was in some way mistaken and wasn't actually pregnant.

To echo many others I would really be being very honest with her now about the effects this is going to have on her life for ever. My sister had a baby at a young age (17) and well the comments about young mothers etc - well they don't suddenly stop when you turn 25 unfortnately. Plus you need to work out how she can go on to have a career etc with baby in tow.

I would also be telling her she wouldn't be having the baby at my house - it would be her responsibility and the only way that could be totally guaranteed was for her to go off to the mother and baby unit to have it. Because I know its all very well saying she'll look after it in your house but I know if I heard a baby crying I wouldn't be able to ignore it and can see it would be very easy to end up doing the majority of the babycare.

She is in a horrid position but whether she planned it or not it is ultimately up to her to deal with the implications with of course support/advice from you and your DH but in my opinion that does not mean you give up your life to look after her baby.