DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

If she got pg on a school trip dont the school have some legal liability here?

It is definately a breach of their duty of care. Maybe not top priority atm, though.

Tess, if the boys are away, I'd go and stay with a friend or relative for a couple of days.

I would not leave your DH a list of things to sort or anything. He's an adult.

Just tell them what that other post say and that you're going to take a couple of days out to get arrange some counselling for yourself and give yourself some time to rest and reflect.

Then do it.

Occurs to me that she may actually have been hoping to miscarry. One of her friends at least probably knows that she is pregnant and she may have been badly advised by them. Once she hadn't miscarried, the next option was a second trimester abortion, which by her own admission she googled- now why would she do that if she weren't still considering abortion as an option? At that stage she probably came across a lot of pro-life literature about late abortions that entrenched her view that she was "keeping it!".

Tess has told us that she is bright so she will have made sure she is informed about what is happening to her. Bright does not however necessarily equate to mature.

She is still a little, scared girl. She is not an adult and frankly she does not have enough knowledge of what it is to have a baby to be able to make an informed decision about the pregnancy, one way or the other. Ok, she knew, but as I see it she only told you because she eventually realised she had to. That was mature, it means that she has ceased to pretend it would just go away if pretended it wasn't happening. The alternative happens practically every week- a newborn baby found wrapped in a cardigan in bushes near a shopping precinct. This child has done the right by telling her parents, and is actually showing some level of maturity there imo.

I still think an abortion may be best. Tess's DH still seems to be in denial. We gave him the benefit of the doubt at first, but really he still hasn't stepped up to the mark. didn't want to go to scan.
dd seems in denial still aswell.
we all know OP will be left to deal with everything.
I know this all sounds harsh. but we all know this option could be best for dd, a child herself, who is not ready, wanted to be pg, and has been damaged by her own mum.
I just think this needs to be considered. and quickly.

Grendelsmum

Why should Tess and her DH be needing to budget for childcare ?

Looking at remortgaging the house to pay for childcare is madness in the current economic climate.

If DSD can accomplish getting pregnant and keeping quite until it is emotionally too late for an abortion (for all concerned) then she can look into financing this misadventure (presumably with government support)by herself too.

There must be childcare funds available for girls like Tess's DSD, several posters have laready referred to this currently being the case.

I think that the Education Authority or Social Services will provide creche care for teenagers staying on at school, so it won't necessarily mean a big financial hit from that point of view.

Somebody helpful posted this earlier, which you can view as a PDF and follow the flowchart which outlines all the various resources available. It might help de-mystify some of it all.

Abortion would be best, IMO, but that's neither here nor there. It isn't going to happen.

So again, because this is about Tess and the effects on her, are the boys out on a trip this week, Tess?

If so, time to lay it on the line how you feel to your DH and DSD, after you've packed your overnight bag, and then take a couple of days out, getting a counselling appointment whilst you're at it.

For you.

To figure out what you need to do and reach a level of understanding of what's going to work for you.

Because no one should be forced, coerced, emotionally blackmailed or guilted into bringing up a child they don't want.

Information about the Care to Learn grant here;

www.direct.gov.uk/en/EducationAndLearning/14To19/MoneyToLearn/Caretolearn/DG_066973

Looks like your DSD will get £160 a week for childcare. This should cover a childminder or nursery. She will get this money, your wages or your DH's wages aren't looked at.

Re: comments on my post, DSD probably assumes that the baby will go to nursery when she is at school- she only asked tess about babysitting in the evenings and weekends. Around here babies of under 16s automatically get a free place at a council nursery from 6 weeks. I dont know the arrangements in tess's area.

I'd get a fulltime job, too, so there goes DH's excuse that 'he has to go to work'.

Also gives me something to fall back on financially if it hit the fan, I tried and just couldn't hack it and had to take teh boys and leave.

Sorry, that sounds harsh, but it needs to be considered.

I haven't read every post since Tess's update (so sorry, Tess) but isn't it obvious to anyone else that the dsd has googled terminations or abortion, found out what is involved at each stage, and told her Mum what she's read on the internet?

I am sure you will be very wary about going in all guns blazing with the sonographer until you are quite certain that those things were actually said when you were not in the room, Tess.

Your love for your dsd shines through.

Ive been lurking. So sorry to read all this Tess, what a massive bombshell, for you and dsd.
I just wanted to add my experience, as an ex childminder. Several posters have mentioned Care to Learn - I looked after a little four month old baby whose mother was sixteen, she'd sat her gcse's up until she went into labour..
She got her childcare paid by the charity, they paid me directly, so she didnt get the money herself, it solely pays for the care. She would drop him off at half eight, go to college and get back for around half three/four. She was a little chaotic, time keeping wise sometimes, but she was a pretty good mum on the whole.

In our area, we have a group of childminders who are experienced at caring for teenaged mums' kids, and have had extra training. They are excellent at helping with advice re. weaning/sleep/ all the other challenges that we parents face. There is also the option of moving schools to one with a creche - there are two or three upperschools here in bedford I can think of with this facility, that both the staff and the students use if they need to. I think it would be a good move now to start thinking about childcare, and making concrete plans. When dsd gets a bit futher along, go with her and visit them, help her think about questions to ask, make it crystal clear that you will not be providing the childcare. I really think that if you do end up doing the child care, it will put a massive strain on you all. If she takes responsibility for this, and finds somewhere that she can drop off to on her way to school, yes she will have to get up early to do that, but it is perfectly possible and something she should do herself. I think. good luck

oh meant to add also, contact your local NCMA for advice on wehter they have childminders in your area that are trained to offer this support, and if they can help you to apply for funding.

Tess, have just caught back up with the thread. I had a feeling you DSD would be further along than you thought. Teenagers often keep it to themselves as long as they feel they can get away with.

You really need to have another chat with your DH and make him understand you will not raise this baby, and he needs to amke his daughter realise that too. It is time for her to grow up very quickly.

Your husband was NOT READY to go to the scan this morning?

Are you fucking kidding me?

This is just another abandonment for this child.

Her own father is failing to support her in any way at one of the most difficult times in her life.

What an utter, utter, utter cunt he is.

Make him sit down and watch The Snapper and tell him THAT is what his daughter needs and deserves from him.

And stop taking on all the responsibilities while he shirks them. You're doing nobody any favours by allowing everyone to fall into an easy assumption that you will keep doing everything.

Stop doing everything. Just stop. Tell your DSD and your DH that they are on their own to figure this out between themselves and that when they have some kind of adult solution they can let you know and you'll get involved again.

This whole situation is ludicrous.

I'm not sure that dsd has 'planned it'. I think it's possible that she has only recently realised she's pregnant. She's only 14 - her periods have possibly not been that regular for very long - and it may only have been recently that she realised it had been a long time since the last one. She has also possibly not been having regular sex - my guess is that it was just the once or twice - so it was pretty easy for her to work out that she might be about 3 months pregnant because the only time(s) she had sex were back then.

That's why she's googled 'abortions after 3 months'. She figured she was 12 or 13 weeks pregnant.

The scan dating it at 15 + 4 may have thrown her a bit. She probably has no idea that being 15 + 4 weeks pregnant means she actually conceived 13 + 4 weeks ago (or thereabouts), so might be a bit confused about that. It would be worth Tess explaining that to her so that the father (whoever he is) can have it explained to him too. It would be awful for dsd to have him try to deny it.

Or maybe the sonographer assured her there were no knives involved, no live baby torn out of the womb then killed, or no use of scissors to destroy the baby's brain at this point? There's a lot of information on abortion at various stages of pregnancy on the internet.

Spidookly, what a great post. I agree -- step right back now Tess. Everything I hear about this man makes me grind my teeth more and more. The DH needs to be given an ultimatum about getting his act together. Maybe one more day for him? And The Snapper would show him exactly what you mean.

I feel very sorry for your situation. I've read most of the posts but sorry if I repeat anything here.

If your DSD does keep the baby the boy's family really need to be involved. As the mother of a DS I would want to know and offer whatever help I could. I wouldn't be happy about it but wouldn't want to not know my grandchild. I think your DSD needs to realise the boy has to bear some responsibility and has a right to know - and the baby will have a right to know who its dad is.

I do think abortion is the best solution, as hard as it is. She'd be under general anaesthetic surely so wouldn't experience the physical trauma of it. I really think some things need spelling out for her - the realities of it. Some friends daughters had babies young -17 and 19, so not so young but both felt very isolated. They didn't feel accepted at mother/baby groups and were looked down on when the children started school. They lost most of their school friends too. There are lots of realities that your DSD needs her eyes opening to and I think that needs to be done. I wouldn't protect her from it. It's hard but she's too immature to make this decision on her own, particularly given the repercussions to your life in particular. I think she needs to realise the utter grind having a baby can be - she might have this view it'll be great dressing her up in pink etc, like playing with a doll. She's very mixed up obviously with her mother leaving her like that. Horrible situation. You will survive it though. Best of luck.

She is a child children should not have children, what moron gave a 14 year old the right to say they want to keep a baby.
She can not work to earn money to keep a child, so Tess you and your DH and my taxes will keep it,

As for your DH he is being a prize twat, he needs to grow a pair and not try to make up for his daughter being dumped on him by letting her put her burden on you.

Whatever is said will go out of the window once that baby is here and you are stuck feeding changing and raising it.

I think you should make it clear you will take your children and leave and he can get on with it with his daughter

I also agree that Tess should step back tbh, otherwise it´s be expected for her always to be available imo.

I do not have any daughters only sons but if I had a 14 year old DD/DSD who was pregnant she would bloody well not be for long regardless of what she wanted