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Original poster

DSD abortion thread part II

946 replies

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 26/10/2010 21:05

carry on ladies....

OP posts:
boudoiricca · 27/10/2010 18:15

oh and P.S. big hugs and strength to you - this is such a horribly difficult situation for everyone involved and you are handling it remarkably well so far x

izzywizzywoowooo · 27/10/2010 18:15

I agree mathan - Maybe she felt the baby move or something and KNEW that she was unable to hide it much longer. I started to feel my DD at around 16 wks...

Whatever it is I think she has issues that need to be addressed She needs to now face up to the repsonsibility.

CarGirl · 27/10/2010 18:17

Me being me I think I would be doing the "If you want my support from now on you tell the truth and the whole truth because you now need rise to the challenge of becoming responsible in readiness for being a mother"

Longtalljosie · 27/10/2010 18:17

It's suddenly struck me... she's not telling you who the father was because she's promised her boyfriend she won't.

You need to tell her they're both living in toyland if they think that'll wash.

mathanxiety · 27/10/2010 18:18

I think she knows who he is too, and I hope there was no trauma involved for her.

RipMacWinkle · 27/10/2010 18:18

What a mess Tess.

I agree with the other posters that it is likely she may know who the father is. You need to find out so that he and his parents get a chance to get their heads round this too. 15 + 4 isn't that long till a baby will arrive.

Very un-MN hugs for you

expatinscotland · 27/10/2010 18:19

'She should say that if DSD has the baby she will not provide any childcare during the week, and talk about mother and baby units, nannies etc. She should also say that if she is pushed into looking after the baby it may drive her to leave the family. I think it deeply unfair that Tess can only confess her true feelings on a messageboard and it?s about time her DH and DSD understand that a bomb that has been placed in the heart of their family. It?s truly harrowing reading this thread and Tess you have all my sympathy.'

I completely agree with this part of this post. This thread is about the effect of this pregnancy and baby on you, Tess, the SD isn't on here.

It's about you, because you are the one who doesn't have support right now. SD does, you, and many organizations for teen mums. DH does, because you're sorting everything out whilst he says he's not ready and gets pissed, etc. You're the one expected, by both SD and your DH, to do a major share of bringing up a baby you don't want.

You're the one still feeling like she has to bottle everything up and not upset anyone.

That's not fair and it's not healthy for you.

I think you need to lay it on the line here.

Sit them both down and tell them straight, just like this poster wrote - pinch the very lines if you have to.

The truth is a bitch, but it always comes out. Better now rather than later.

Original poster
GivesHeadlessHorseman · 27/10/2010 18:19

well yes math it could be that too, but it does sound as if she's done her homework. And as someone up-thread said, there is an awful lot of emotive pro-life scaremongering and propaganda to be googled. If she ever was considering a termination (which I doubt TBH) she blimmin' well wouldn't be after that!

OP posts:
peeringintothevoid · 27/10/2010 18:19

Tess I would also say that the next thing to do (asap) is find out where your nearest teen pregnancy midwifery team is based. You said you're in Kent - if that's north kent then some of the south London hospitals will definitely have a teen caseloading midwifery team; caseloading means that DSD will see the same midwife or small team of midwives throughout her pregnancy, labour and postnatal period. They specialise in teenagers and are experienced in all the particular challenges they hold. Grin Feel free to PM me if you'd like more information about this. I hope there's a unit near you that offers this - they are invaluable.

RipMacWinkle · 27/10/2010 18:19

Sorry that is assuming that it's a boy the same age as her from her school trip/birthday party...

izzywizzywoowooo · 27/10/2010 18:19

Long - Could be...

All though I thought that maybe she wont as this guy might get in to trouble...Therefore could make him older hense why she might not want to tell? God knows.

Only she knows and it really is about time that it came out.

boudoiricca · 27/10/2010 18:20

Oh AND, to be honest, after having held all this in for so long and not been able to tell or talk to anyone I should think it will come as something of a relief and release if she can get to a place where she can let everything out...

mathanxiety · 27/10/2010 18:22

Izzywizzy, I also wonder if she is protecting someone inappropriate who may have shown her affection.

CarGirl · 27/10/2010 18:22

Perhaps she had sex in the hope that she did get pregnant? Hence doesn't want to admit who the dad is, perhaps no relationship just a fumble that got out of hand?

izzywizzywoowooo · 27/10/2010 18:23

That is what I am thinking Mathan - I would guess maybe she saw this as her chance to have some sort of "love" one that didn't fuck off abroad...? Either way this young girl is troubled. Thats obvious.

izzywizzywoowooo · 27/10/2010 18:24

Thats another possiblity CarGirl she might not even know the father...Hense she hasn't got a lot to tell...

She really needs to step up now and be an adult.

CarGirl · 27/10/2010 18:28

Yes some boy from another school on the same trip?

izzywizzywoowooo · 27/10/2010 18:29

Yeh I suppose really anything is a possibility. Confused

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 27/10/2010 18:29

Hi TEss,
I am a little relieved for you that there is no decision on abortion to make. Not that I am against abortion but I think all the stuff between you and your DH as well as all the chatter on here shows what a nightmare having to make that decision would be.

I concealed a pregnancy from my parents determined I could do it on my own, the reality of it all hit me when I was 16 weeks and I have to admit I had a GA and a termination. It is something that I have to live with, however I don't regret that choice.
The pregnancy did say more about my personal mental health and relationship with my mother than anything else.

I don't think it will hurt her at all to see that this makes you upset, or that it is causing you and her father to argue, this is the reality of the choice she has made. You will support her and once the baby is here you will all make the best of it, however, she doesn't need a sugar coated version of reality, this is going to be fucking hard for all of you, you don't have to be nicey nicey about it.

Good luck!

foreverastudent · 27/10/2010 18:30

I disagree with posters who assume that a 14yo doesn't know what she is letting herself in for. I think it is quite possible/probable that she is as well informed as any would be mother of any age is. As I said about 1000 messages back I was v broody at DSD's age. I'd bought and read babycare books. I'd researched my legal/financial rights. I found out where the mother and baby unit was. 14yos can be v industrious if they put their mind to it.

On the plus side for Tess, as this was a planned and wanted pg, her assumptions that the childcare will automatically fall to her may be false. DSD wanted a baby, it wasn't just some side effect of a night of passion. DSD may be v possessive of her newborn and not want to let Tess do the skud work take the credit. She will need help but it sounds like she v much intends on being the primary carer.

GiddyPickle · 27/10/2010 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boudoiricca · 27/10/2010 18:33

100% expat Tess started this thread as she needs our support as she is the one not getting it elsewhere. I feel for DSD, but I also really feel for Tess.

Also, as this thread is about helping Tess I really don't think it helps to speculate on what we think might be DSD's motives, who the father is blah blah. We can't possibly know and there's no way it helps!

Can we keep lurid speculation out of it and try to save the soap operas for TV... (otherwise I'll set BOF on you). Thanks...

EldritchCleavage · 27/10/2010 18:35

Tess I've lurked all through the last post and this one and my heart goes out to you.

I know you said your boys have been away-could you perhaps join them for a day or night? I expect you must you really need a break from all this just to collect your thoughts, and to be able to spend some time with your sons.

But I also think DH and DSD have got to shape up and face facts, as well as talk to each other without you shuttling between them, and having to do without you for a while (perhaps over the weekend)might force them to do it. Is that feasible for you? If you do go away I'd leave your DH a list of tings he needs to sort out and research until you get back.

GrendelsMum · 27/10/2010 18:36

So, it looks like she's going to go ahead and have the baby, so I suppose it's time for your DH, your DSD and you to work out the practicalities. I was thinking about how it might fit around your DSD's schooling as she comes up to GCSEs.

Is the baby due round about March - April? If so, can she leave school for the year in March, spend April - August looking after the baby full time at home, and go back to school to take her GCSEs for the next academic year, leaving the baby in full-time childcare from about 5 months? So that's a nursery for 5 days a week, which your DH will need to budget for. (I wondered if you'd need to look at remortgaging the house to pay for this?) If your DSD takes a packed lunch to school (maybe prepares all her sandwiches at the beginning of the week and freezes them), she could do some of her homework at lunchbreak in the library, then another hour of homework in the library after school, and then come home and is ready to take full care of the baby during the course of the evening, and in the morning before she leaves for school. Then Saturday and Sunday she's got the baby all day. It might mean that she needs to choose GCSEs that have coursework she can reasonably do in short blocks of time at school, rather than coursework that need a weekend staring at a river bank and making observations, or trips abroad, etc. Music might also be difficult if there's a performance aspect. So I think consultation with teachers on practical GCSE options in light of childcare may be needed.

Getting the baby to and from nursery may be difficult until your DSD can drive - I wonder whether your DH would do drop offs before work, and you do pick-ups after your work?

You said you're a freelance, which means that your business are entirely dependent on you and your reputation for efficiency alone, and your job is far more at risk than your husbands (who presumably works as part of a large team of people) if you're taking time off to look after the baby. I think that you should start working out of the house (renting an office elsewhere), and on fixed days at fixed times from now on, to make it clear that you are not available to do back up childcare. If not, I think your business will be the one that suffers. Do you have a office in the house at the moment? You can use the need for a bedroom for the baby as an excuse to stop using the office.

Hope that's of some vague help.

sitdownpleasegeorge · 27/10/2010 18:36

foreverastudent

Tess's DSD said she would "feed the baby before school and after school and take it for walks in the pram". She has also asked if she will get any help from Tess with the nights and the weekends.

I feel she wants the baby very much but also wants help with it. (A case of wanting to have her cake and eat it iykwim).

I fear she really knows it is hard work, as I did, but nothing prepares you for the awful sleep deprivation clouding your judgement and making a little problem seem massive.