DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

I'm here too - not sure how useful I am but am here. x

But yes it does come down to the fact that women are the ones in control of their fertility and so a guy who absolutely doesn't want a baby should insist on condom use but realise if not there will always be a slight risk.

This thread has made me think too. I have three dds and I would hope that their path is not one which involves becoming a mother at 14.

electra - slightly off topic, but last week was getting IUD put in at GP and she was saying that teenage girls are dreadful at remembering to take pill, and so implants are better option as unlike or condoms no user failure....

tess thinking about you.

First of all, it's taken me awhile to respond because I've read thoroughly every post since my last one yesterday. Thank you for your replies and I'm very interested in the general thread that was started, will peep over there at some point.

This morning I asked DH to come to the scan and he said he wasn't ready, so I rather huffily said fine I will sort it ll out. I'm a bit pissed with him but I do understand the panic he's going through, but FFS what if I'd said I wasn't ready? Would DSD have had to go by herself? Jesus.

Long story short, she is 15+4. I found that out and then was asked to leave the room so DSD could talk about her options. She came out absolutely AGES later so I assume she probably broke down in there with sonographer (who was very stern and I'm quite glad of it, to be honest). I decided not to make a huge scene in hospital and we drove home, then I asked her what happened.

I am very angry with hospital and sonographer. Basically they told DD that she is too far along for the 'easy' abortion and would have to do a surgical procedure, involving (DSD is sobbing her eyes out btw as she tells me this) inserting forceps into her vagina and breaking the 'foetal matter' apart and removing that way.

I don't think I would still have asked DSD to get an abortion at nearly 16 weeks anyway but for them to describe it in such graphic detail to a 14-year-old is over the top, IMO. I think it was total scaremongering, pure and simple. DSD begging me not to make her have an abortion and I've said I won't and neither will her Dad.

Problem 2: She is too far along for them to do the 12-week checks. They have said they can not accurately measure baby's nuchal fold because it's too far into gestation and they will have to do an amnio to check for things like Down's, etc. if we want it. DSD is freaking out about a needle being put into her stomach, we haven't decided anything on that yet but FUCK just one more thing, you know? I hadn't realised young mothers were at higher risk for SN either but thank you whoever put that on the thread, I've done some googling.

DH not home yet but when he is we will all be having a serious sit down conversation. I will make DH sort out the counselling (ace idea whoever mentioned that, I'm terribly sorry I'm not keeping up with anyone's name), make DSD face up to the realities now, and sorry I realise may not be the most popular option but I really want a definitive answer out of her about the father. If she doesn't know who he is, fine but she needs to tell us that at this stage.

I've spent the last hour crying and had a little mini-breakdown of my own, I feel like 16 weeks (nearly) is so bloody real. We hardly have any time to get used to anything. Feeling v. sorry for myself at the moment. I know it's life, but god. Why me?

Okay, going to pull myself together and write down some things for the talk tonight, I'll disappear again for awhile but will come back on tonight hopefully or maybe tomorrow morning - I'm very glad that people are interested and want to know how we're doing, it is providing me a link to the world outside our little combustible bubble right now.

FWIW, I think you're being brilliant.

OH and they told DSD that if she is having a termination she has to go to London as most doctors will not perform abortions this far into the pregnancy on moral grounds.

Well, yes if you find it hard to remember it's not such a good choice - I agree!

Tess, I'm not surprised you feel that way. I really hope that you will get the support you and your family deserve in the coming weeks and months and also that your dh starts realising he needs to support you too.

Oh tess I am so sorry she is so far gone that will make things more difficult for you. although young mothers have higher risks I am sure I read somewhere that they have the same risks as a older mother so still not that high.

Only been lurking, but wanted to say I think you are very strong and an amazing mother. Hope DH gets to his senses soon, cause you need to be singing from the same hymnsheet soon. Now go off and get your much needed and bloody well deserved rest!!

hugs :)

Tess...... :( for you and your situation, I hope that you find a way around this.

Much love x

I've read all the threads. I have nothing to add really, but .

I have to say that's kind of the figure I had in mind Tess. for you. I would be livid with the sonographer as well, but having had an ERPC for missed miscarriage at over 13 weeks, I can report that it is certainly not as gruesome as that stupid woman made out. She was just trying to scare your poor DSD as if she is not scared enough.

Nothing more relevant to add I'm afraid, but good luck with this evening's battle, you're doing amazingly.

I'm at the sonographer too. That's dreadful.

Tess, whatever the situation the way they spoke to her is absolutely appalling and really needs jumping up and down about - although the last thing you need on your plate at the moment.

Your dh has GOT to get his head out of the sand.

Will be thinking of you later. You really are an awesome mum.

Big hugs Tess, I hope your (d)h steps up a notch and realises that he will have to have a life change too

I am at the sonogropher.

OMG Tess have been lurking and reading your commentsI admire you so much you are being so strong,FWIW I think you need to let your dh see you having a breakdownI am sure he is in shock himself but at the moment he is feeling that he can't cope but that is fine because Tess can, you need to show him that you can't.

Did DSD really not realise that she was nearly 4 months pregnant, that of course takes it right back to the summer holidays.She needs to come clean now about everything and understand that this is really happening,its not just an idea.

I have a 13 year old ds and a 17 year old ds myself and cannot imagine what you are going through or that they scared her so much wwithout an adult being presentmakes a joke of school consent forms

You are doing amazingly, best wishes for your talk tonight, I hope you as a family can find a way forward.

If you want her to have the amnio I think you'd be within your rights to insist. If she kicks up about it, just tell her had she told you sooner, it wouldn't have been necessary, but since she didn't, it now is.

I think you now need to step back a bit and let your DH take the lead. I worry that the pattern we're seeing emerge here (DH continues old life, you're left with the hassle) will be set in stone very quickly.

Gosh Tess, that's an even bigger shock for you...but be glad that she's not 7 months as my cousins girl was.

I feel absolutely sure that although it'll be tough for you and the rest of your family, you are strong enough to get through it all.

I'm near junction 1 of the M25 if I can help at all...not sure how I can, but I'm very willing.

for you and your family Tess, but thank God they've got you and you are managing to hold it all together - not really fair on you but good on you anyway.
Just a thought - do you think it's possible that dsd doesn't want to tell you about the dad cos maybe she told him she was on the pill?

I'd call PALS about that sonographer, at the very least. That last comment about moral grounds is spectacularly out of order.

Oh god, so far on.
Totally agree the way they went about explaining to her is out of order - I honestly dont think its normal to go into such detail (I had a termination at 16 weeks btw, and was never given those details even when I asked they kind of fluffed up their answer).
And also, is it normally a sonographer's job to have this talk?
I'm feeling a bit suspicious about the motivations of this person - but dont want to divert things with wild conspiracy theories so anyone with more working knowledge of hospital procedures please say if this is normal. Just seems very, very weird to me.

You're absolutely right Teass, what would have happened if you had said you weren't ready to face the scan either. Fgs - phe has to stop being such a weed about this. It's so rarely the woman who gets to give into that feeling of being overwhelmed.

Bloody nora, they sound professional And double at your DH not being ready to support his wife and daughter. I'm sure this situation is as devastating and shocking to him as it has been to you, but it sounds like you both could really have done with some support today.

Keep strong Tess, you are amazing. And re. your DSD finding the concept of an amnio terrifying, I guess this is the start of her having to face the consequences of her and the father's actions. This won't be the first pregnancy and birth-related situation that scares her, I'm sure. Now is the time for some gentle-but-firm home truths, which I have no doubt you will deliver admirably :)