DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

Maryz I suspect whereas adopted girls internalise their feelings (worthlessness, low self-esteem, rejection etc) and put the blame on themselves, (and also are biologically capable of producing a child to love/be loved), I wonder if adopted boys externalise their anger at feeling rejected and are more likely to act out/violence/reject others. Just a guess. Either way very very sad.

I have a DS (only 10 months) but agree with other posters that I would not advise him to leave BC as responsiblity of partner, even if she is using BC, he should always wear a condom. I have been caught out with anti-biotics before and contraceptive patches (which kept attaching themselves to the inside of my clothes) so you can think you are protected but actually if you are using condoms you have a back-up already in place. Also would want to drive home importance of protection against STIs.

Tess You are doing amazingly in a very difficult situation. Hope the scan went well and you have some more information to digest. I would also second the poster who suggested a cheap space to rent as your office if this were possible? I know this would still be an inconvenience compared to being able to work from home but it would send a clear message you are focusing on your business and clients and you will not be providing free childcare.

Well we only have to look a the number of people on this thread alone who have readily admitted that they deliberately, or at least subconsciously deliberately got pregnant so know it happens. What about the poster who said she split up with her long term partner because of his refusal to have children with her, then after a time she starting seeing him again, all was going well, and suddenly, bingo! she was accidentally pregnant!

I'm not going to cast any particular aspersions on anyone but we've also had someone admitting they were desperate for a baby to love as a teenager, because of a difficult childhood, yet in the next breath she says her BC failed due to antibiotics!

I'd love to know the statistics on abortions due to 'pill failure' versus live births due to 'pill failure'. It's a very easy one to get away with if you know you want a baby. A man knows whether he is wearing a condom of not.

Anyway it's made me think I need to have another word with my DS's about not taking anything for granted with their girlfriends being on the pill. I know in the case of the older one they've been together nearly four years and she's a very sensible girl - he'll think it's a complete slur on her character, and a total over-reaction on my part!

"Well we only have to look a the number of people on this thread alone who have readily admitted that they deliberately, or at least subconsciously deliberately got pregnant so know it happens."

Even more reason then for a man that doesn't want a baby to always use a condom. The poor dears are capable of rational thought you know!

I also think boys are less likely to take contraception seriously at the end of the day teen pg is hard for both the dad and the mum but lets be honest here in most cases it is the girl who has to take time out to give birth, feed e..t.c. She also usually takes time a back seat (whatever age) career wise in order to be the main carer (not all the time nut more common than not).

Therefore becoming a parent in teenage years is harder on a female IMO. So boys may not take pg as serious ( I will still coach my DS about contraception)

Giveshead, maybe that is also a topic for the other thread?

(It only takes one missed day, or one course of antibiotics for the pill to fail. And these are teenagers we're talking about. If a 14 yo boy can't be relied upon then he shouldn't assume a 14 yo girl can either, and to the same extent. I lecture DS in the car so he can't escape. The DDs too)

I'm not sure having the DSD spend time with babies or other mothers would have the effect of making her think twice. She's determined to have the baby and seeing others with theirs will probably reinforce her desire.

I don't think anyone, no matter what age or how mature they are, has any idea what they are in for before their first baby arrives. You can read books and try to prepare, but you can only really experience the full-on mother and baby life when you're in the thick of it, and the only thing sustaining you is the fact that there's no putting the baby back where it came from. Most mothers deal with it and deal with it and deal with it, more or less successfully, learning and maturing a lot as they go along.

Duchesse, I think your earlier post has a lot of sense in it. Tess seems to me to be a perfect 'caretaker' for this whole family, with the DH even alluding to it (shamefully) when he accused her of mollycoddling the boys.

I do hope the scan is going as well as can be hoped tess.

Math I wasn't for a moment trying to suggest that 'poor boys are not capable of taking responsibility' only that the boy hasn't necessarily behaved any LESS responsibly than they girl in these situations, but they are often demonised and blamed far more than the girl. It's 'poor girl, being taken advantage of then dumped'. That is a very out-moded attitude.

Likewise to the poster who said I shouldn't perpetuate the myth that men are at the mercy of women where conception is concerned. I would argue that there is no such myth. It's far more frequent to hear about the poor girl who was 'got pregnant' by the boy - as though he was a pigeon who flew down and crapped a baby onto her head when she wasn't looking!

The bottom line is this - a man cannot trick a girl into pregnancy (short of lying about a vasectomy) but a girl can (and frequently does) say she is using BC when she isn't.
Or she is using it, but in her own 'creative' way.

Why do so many of you want to speculate that this might be an adult? Because you want to be able to blame a man for this! You want to be able to say she was manipulated or taken advantage of. Maybe she was - I have no idea. But frankly it's far more likely it was a consensual fumble with a boy her own age, that went too far. And if so, then she is responsible for that as he is.

Anyway - we are in danger of going wildly off-topic again. Sorry Tess.

Yes, Barnacle - sorry, crossed posts!

was wondering how Tess and DD got on today.

I'm here, will type out what happened today - this is feeling like a very strange novel happening to someone else and not me

I would say it is less likely to be a man because he would (as he could be prosecuted) be very careful about contraception in order to protect his abuse of position I would imagine. It seems to me that it is more likely a peer but that DSD doesn't want her dad to hurt him or to get him involved.

Oh Tess

We're all here x

Tess, just want to let you know I've been thinking about you all and wondering how the scan went today.

sorry x post

Dammit - got to go out now.

Dont suppose you'd wait and not start without me?!

Hi Tess.

As an adopted girl I definately internalised those negative feelings and I always yearned for a baby to 'make up' for those consistent negative views of myself.

Hi Tess

I once had a discussion about this with a (male) friend. He's of the opinion that in the heat of the moment of sex, both people have a feeling of wanting the man to come inside. The rest of the time when you have your 'rational' head on you know you don't want a baby but I agree with what he says - perhaps this is why condoms often don't get used. It's also why the pill is the most reliable contraception that doesn't interfere with sex imo.