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AIBU?

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Original poster

DSD abortion thread part II

946 replies

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 26/10/2010 21:05

carry on ladies....

OP posts:
Litchick · 27/10/2010 15:18

I'd like to think most parents are bringing up their sons to be equally responsible for birth control...but the sad fact is that many girls and indeed fully grown women, end up holding the baby. Sigh.

tyler80 · 27/10/2010 15:19

If they absolutely do not want a child and it would be devastating for their lives then you do not have sex, slightly less dramatic is you always wear a condom no matter how much you trust your girlfriend. Wearing a condom is never 'silly' no matter how long you have been together. There is nearly always a risk, no matter what precautions you take, and by having sex you accept that risk.

I knew what my mum's reaction would be if I was a pregnant teenager, I knew that having sex was always a risk no matter the precautions, so I didn't sleep with anyone.

It's up to the individual to decide how they want to balance risk, be that through doubling up on contraception, not having sex etc. I think it's especially important for boys to be aware of this as ultimately they have no say in the continuation of an accidental pregnancy.

CardyMow · 27/10/2010 15:20

I wonder how the scan has gone? I would like to know how far along OP's dsd is, because the further along she is, the less time there is for the whole family to come up with sensible solutions.

chipmonkey · 27/10/2010 15:21

maryz, I remember having a row with my Dad after I commented to him how lax he was in discipling my brother as he had been very strict with me and to a lesses extent with my sister. His comment was "Well, db can't get pregnant" I was soooo mad with him!

Discowife · 27/10/2010 15:21

I have a friend GHH who did the despicable and lied about BC while while with her partner. He had no reason to assume she wasn't using anythign and trusted her (they hadn't long been together so maybe he was sill to do so) but I still thinks he owes the baby a father (luckily he is a brilliant dad). Although if he ever finds out the truth he'd well be in his rights to hate my friend.

tinierclanger · 27/10/2010 15:33

There seems to be an assumption that all the care will fall to tess and/or dsd. But it is possible that the father of this baby and his family might take on just as much care. He isn't necessarily going to just walk away.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2010 15:38

'But it is possible that the father of this baby and his family might take on just as much care. He isn't necessarily going to just walk away.'

For now, we have to assume it's Tess and her family because the girl will not speak about the father.

maryz · 27/10/2010 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Discowife · 27/10/2010 15:42

If the girl doesn't date/hasn't had a boyfriend it might be that something happened at a party or a friend's house and she doesn't knwo who the guy was. She'd likely be embarrased to tell her parents about a one night stand even if it was the first time

terryble · 27/10/2010 15:55

Thinking about it from a comfortabe position on a computer chair, if it were your own DD/DSD, which would be a worse case scenario for you? An adult man or someone in her own age group?

Deemented · 27/10/2010 15:57

An adult man, certainly.

Zoopy · 27/10/2010 15:59

Adult man, to me it would mean my DD/DSD was/is more vulnerable than I realised.

Discowife · 27/10/2010 16:00

Oh god an adult man for sure?!

Lougle · 27/10/2010 16:03

Tess, I hope you are all OK Smile

Mibby · 27/10/2010 16:03

An adult/ teacher/ sports coach etc would be worst

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2010 16:04

I second that, deemented. I'd have his balls for Christmas Tree ornaments, I swear to you.

Is this an all or nothing situation? Is there anywhere she can go? I volunteered at a (for lack of a better word) "home" for young women in this situation. They had their own room and adjoining baby's room. I watched the babies while they took parenting classes, went to school, etc. Not ideal certainly but there was a staff that made sure the women were the ones getting up in the middle of the night, etc.

I just feel for everyone here, especially the OP. You're doing so well, Tess, you really are. I know everyone says "one day at a time" and it sounds like cliched nonsense but sometimes that's really all you can do. Best of luck to you.

Discowife · 27/10/2010 16:07

after answering myself maybe the wild speculation about this person being an adult.. is really not appropriate actually. Might upset the Op too

foreverastudent · 27/10/2010 16:08

maryz - re the teenage girl adoptees becoming young Mums- my cousin fits into that pattern, now you come to mention it, but I'd never thought of it as a trend before. I wonder how many would-be adoptive mums consider this?

lanismum · 27/10/2010 16:10

I have been following these threads, god what a mess, I think the OP is dealing with all this brilliantly, I think I would be crying in a corner somewhere, I hope the scan shows the dsd to be quite early on as at least then there is time to sort things out properly, I would be gutted if either of my girls OR my boy were in this situation...

As an aside, I know a family that were in a similar position (16yr old girl preg) and their solution was to move the girl into a sort of granny-flat extension thingy, so the girl did the bulk of the babycare but still had her parents support, I realise this is different as this girl will presumably be attending school, and there may not be the money/space, but it worked well for the family I know.

Zoopy · 27/10/2010 16:11

Tbh I just didn't think and answered the question asked...Blush

Sorry Tess.

Deemented · 27/10/2010 16:12

As i said on the previous thread, a thireteen year olf family member got pregnant and had her baby at fourteen. Much pressure was put on her - not by me, i hasten to add - to reveal the fathers identity. She said it was a particular boy, but it wasn't. It eventually came out, three years later that her DC was the product of abuse.

I feel so much for Tess in this situation. There's no way there can be a happy outcome for anyone.

maryz · 27/10/2010 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missismac · 27/10/2010 16:14

Have followed this thread from the start & been thinking about the putative father of this baby. Given DSD's unwillingness to name him, & given that OP says she was known to be studious I wondered about a teacher? I know, I know - it's pure speculation based on nothing, but given how keen DSD seems to be to 'protect' him, I just wondered . . . .

I also have a DD of 14 & have been reporting this thread to DH as it progresses. I'm as certain as can be my DD isn't sexually active, but it sounds like Tess was too - am definitely going to have a 'sex, pregnancy & contraceptive' talk with my DD asap!

Tess, my heart goes out to you, your DH (I have faith that he'll earn the 'D' back pretty soon, as others have said he just sounds panicked and not thinking straight. It sounds like his caveman 'Ug, must protect daughter' brain is overriding his rational thinking & bigger picture brain right now.) and your DC's - all of you. Hats off to you for staying rational & reasonable through this trial. I'm in such admiration & can't tell you how much I'm rooting for you.

Thanks to all you other Mumsnet posters too for such sane, sound advice (mostly!) and sensible opinion. I know where I'll be coming if I need advice in future.

mathanxiety · 27/10/2010 16:16

Any boy or man who doesn't want to get a partner pregnant or who doesn't want to have to deal with a possible baby should take responsibility for the consequences of his decisions himself. The idea that a poor teenage boy can't be expected to act responsibly about pregnancy makes my blood boil.

I am wondering if it was a man, maybe even a teacher, since she apparently didn't go out much and is studious (although one persons 'doesn't go out much' might mean out every weekend night and maybe twice in the week too).

If it was an adult man I would definitely be reaching for my pitchfork.

missismac · 27/10/2010 16:16

Bum, just seen Discowife's post warning against speculating who Dad is - you're quite right DW. Sorry Tess, please ignore that part of my post.

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