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Original poster

DSD abortion thread part II

946 replies

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 26/10/2010 21:05

carry on ladies....

OP posts:
jabberwocky · 27/10/2010 14:18

Oh, did not realize that. Really too bad, as time is of the essence.

MumNWLondon · 27/10/2010 14:37

The GP may well have pointed out this is a high risk pregnancy, because its high risk for DSD to carry a baby as she is so young (as well as being high risk for the baby).

Original poster
GivesHeadlessHorseman · 27/10/2010 14:40

This is not going to be popular, but I'm saying it anyway.

She has practically admitted to getting PG on purpose, or at the very least she was subconsciously hoping it might happen and she admits she didn't use BC.

Sorry to say this, but it is possible that when the father is eventually traced, you may find a bewildered and devastated kid who just may have been having sex with a girl he genuinely belived was on the pill, or had an implant or injections.

If she had told him this, it would be expecting too much of any randy teenage boy to think he should have stopped and questioned whether she was telling the truth.

This might ruin his life too - and he has no say in anything from this point forward. He's probably under 16 himself, and forever more he'll be labelled a callous bastard who 'got her pregnant' (like she wasn't part of the decision processHmm) and then didn't stick around and support her.

But would you want your son to be a father at under 16?

Frankly if my son's GF who is on the pill decided to stop taking it without telling him, as far as I'm concerned she's at fault, and has behaved dishonestly, and she want sto keep the child she's on her own.

I don't see why he should be expected to be responsible for a child he thought they were taking steps to prevent, and didn't want or ask for at such a young age - especially as he'd have no voice whatsoever when it came to deciding whether the PG should progress.

Of this boy may not have given BC a second thought, in which case he's going to be learning a stark lesson very soon, that may change his life forever, and certainly empty his pockets the minute he starts earning any money. But he is still at a bit of a disadvantage here - he has no control over this at all, and the girl does.

So there's yet another person she's not thinking about who is affected by her choice. Yes, he may have been equally foolish and irresponsible, or maybe he was too trusting, if that can be considered to be a crime, but one thing's for sure - he wasn't more responsible for this than she was. Yet he is going to be punished as if he were.

OP posts:
Deemented · 27/10/2010 14:44

That's assuming it was actually a boy - for all we know, it may well be a man. And that's a different kettle of fish altogether.

One thing i would do though, when/if the babys father is eventually disclosed, is insist on a DNA test.

chipmonkey · 27/10/2010 14:45

GivesHeadless, I can't agree with you on that at all and I speak as the mother of boys only.
Boys need to know that if they have sex, that there is ALWAYS a risk of pregnancy, that some girls DO want babies and may not be upfront about it and that it is HIS responsibility to either wear a condom or live like a monk. And if there is a baby, that he must be responsible.

Original poster
GivesHeadlessHorseman · 27/10/2010 14:45

Sorry, meant to say 'on the other hand this boy may not have given BC a second thought'.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 27/10/2010 14:45

The only contraception to prevent a pregnancy 100% is not having sex, so alhtough yes, its wrong to lie to a man about birth control, any man having sex with a woman has to consider there is a small, miniscule risk of pregnancy.

Im not saying he is at fault in any way BTW.
Just that if you definately do not want a baby, you can only achieve this by not having sex.

ChaoticAngel · 27/10/2010 14:49

Tess, first I'd like to say you have my admiration in the way you're dealing with this. I think it's better if I don't mention my opinion of your h Angry

I've been thinking about you being at home all day. Is there any chance you can start to work outside the home? Can you afford to rent office space? If you can it could be worth considering because it would send a clear message to your dsd and h that you won't be available to do childcare.

JenaiMwahHaHaHaaaaah · 27/10/2010 14:51

Headless, DS will, when the times comes (assuming I've not missed the boat, him being 10 already) have it drummed into him that he is to wear a condom.

Which isn't to say I expect he always will, but we live in hope.

As far as I'm concerned, outside of a permanent relationship between two adults, if you get a woman pregnant, even if she's told you she's "safe", then you are also culpable.

And of course there's the matter of STIs.

ChaoticAngel · 27/10/2010 14:52

GivesHeadless I'm with chipmonkey on this. Besides there isn't only pregnancy to consider when having sex but also stds. Condoms are the only contraceptive that prevent the latter so should be used anyway.

ChaoticAngel · 27/10/2010 14:53

Slight cross post there with Jenai.

chipmonkey · 27/10/2010 14:53

Oh, and foreverastudent, one of my friends is in the position of looking after her in-laws in their old age. She empties commodes, cleans, cooks, the lot. Their own dd doesn't bother at all and I'm sure if you rewound back twenty years, no-one would have predicted that. Personally I think my friend is a saint and her dh and his siblings are taking the pissAngry but things don't always work out the way you would think.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 27/10/2010 14:56

what is BC?

chipmonkey · 27/10/2010 14:57

Birth Control. Something I only found out about after ds4.Wink

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 27/10/2010 14:58

:o ahhhh
assumed C was contraception, and was wracking my brains for the B

ib · 27/10/2010 14:58

Tess, can't help re teenage pregnancy but your last post resonated so much I had to tell you.

I am not a stepmum. I am however a sd. Earlier this year my sdad and I had a big disagreement on something. Nothing major, but I dug my heels in (as usual Blush). Sdad was getting unreasonably (imo) upset about it.

Eventually sdad sat me down and told me that the reason he was so upset was that he never felt he had the right to tell me to go shove it. If it had been his daughter who had said what I had, that is what he would have done, but because I am a sd, he never feels like he can just be straight with me.

And that upsets him, because he loves me just as much as a daughter, so why should he make that distinction?

I think you are a bit in danger of this. The fact is that there are many mothers who would not be willing to clean up after their dd's fuckups the way you are expected to. And if she was your dd, your dh wouldn't dare just tell you that you have to (I hope!).

But because she is a sd you are expected to constantly prove that 'you love her like a daughter', and denying her anything, no matter how unreasonable, is deemed to be a failure in that regard.

This really isn't OK, and your dh needs to face up to this double quick. It's great that he is committed to his dd, but right now he is on a straight path from feeling guilty about what his ex did to his dd to destroying the whole family.

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2010 14:58

What chipmonkey said, but double. I have a toddler DS and if he comes home in twelve or thirteen years and tells me he's going to be a father ('scuse me while I do a full body shudder) he will damn well face up to his responsibility no matter what the girl said. He had sex with her, end of.

Original poster
GivesHeadlessHorseman · 27/10/2010 15:00

I have three boys too chipmonkey, and whilst I wholeheartedly agree with you and have said as much to my kids (two of them are sexually active and in long-term relationships) but at what point do you think it's a bit silly and unrealistic to expect they will wear a condom every time? Especially if the relationship has lasted years and he has no reason to distrust their GF.

Obviously if it's a genuine BC fail, that's different - they have to take it on board together, but still he is at the mercy of her choices.

But if it's just sloppy adherence to pill-taking in the secret hope their might be a baby, or lying about being on the pill altogether that's a very silly, very underhand thing to do to a young guy, and ultimately probably quite self-defeating in the end.

Anyway - we don't know about Tess's DSD, or the father, but I just wanted to make that point before we all start dishing out assumed blame.

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 27/10/2010 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GivesHeadlessHorseman · 27/10/2010 15:11

I'm not saying he wouldn't have to pay his way, BTW, or accept that he was in some way culpable if only for being naive, just that you cannot trick someone or coerce them into wanting to share the responsibilty of parenting with you if they are not ready for it.

He may be forced to pay, but he can't be forced to be a part of the child's life if the prospect horrifies him. And as he has no whatsoever say on abortion or adoption, sadly his only option is often abandonment. I just think it's something more young girls should take into consideration before they get carried away with romantic ideas, that's all. After all - they are the ones quite literally left holding the baby.

OP posts:
PhlebasIsShrieking · 27/10/2010 15:13

GivesHeadlessHorseman but that is so not true. He always has the choice to wear a condom - if he chooses not to & his partner gets pregnant, well tough luck really (& if it were my son that is exactly what I'd be saying to him, along with that was really bloody stupid).

Perpetuating the myth that men are ever at the mercy of women where conception is concerned simply excuses their (men's) irresponsibility.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 27/10/2010 15:15

"DH saying Tess used to get up in the night for the boys so she should do the same for this new baby "
if he says anything like that Tess needs to point out the question is not whether she got up for them, but whether she WILL get up, every night for their children when they have them. And I assume the answer is no.

maryz · 27/10/2010 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aDarkStarWithStrangeWays · 27/10/2010 15:18

I'd imagine Tess and her family are having some serious talks right now.

Have only lurked but these threads have been fascinating. I do feel for you Tess, and your DSD as well.

ilovesprouts · 27/10/2010 15:18

.