To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

Mjin I coped living with my parents with no help from them, and I also had a 'sheltered' life before that.

When I read your post It took me back, I could have written it over 8 years ago.

My DGD is 8 this week.

My DD fell pregnant when she was 15 and gave birth two days after her 16th birthday.

I think there is a possibility that this pregnancy was planned. I would try to find out who the father is. If she does not know when she got pregnant then they had sex on more than one occasion and this could be an on going relationship but she is trying to protect him. Try to establish if it is someone of her age and not a completely inappropriate relationship.

In my DDs case the pregnancy was planned, mostly instigated by the DF as his mother had abandoned him at birth and he was adopted. He wanted someone to love of his own flesh and blood. This did not stop him from abandoning his own DD before she was born.

I felt as you do about not wanting to be a mother to my DDs baby. I made sure this did not happen.

DD did not go to school during her pregnancy and we tried some courses set up for pregnant teens, however these were aimed very low academically. DD said that if you could read, write and count, and your parents were not in prison, drug addicts or alcoholics you would feel very out of place.

We decided to HE and the school allowed her to sit her GCSEs with her previous classmates.

I found it very difficult to get advice and support as it was felt we did not need any as I was capable and willing. There are charities that give support to prevent young women terminating, but if they have already made that decision they are not interested.

Well to cut a long story short, she had a baby girl and I helped her and advised her, but I did not take over. My DS is less than two years younger so I did not need another baby.

I will say that she did much better than anyone would have thought. As she was living in my house and only had to look after her baby and not worry about all the other aspects of running a house, it was not as hard as you may think.

If money is an issue she will be entitled to benefits.

8 years on and my DD is self employed, successful and excellent mother. Soon to be married to her lovely long term partner.

The hardest thing about it all has been the opinions of others who make judgements.

I think my DD was a lot more grown up for her age, than your SDD sounds, but she will grow up very quickly.

I wish you luck.

Is adoption a possibility for her? She hasn't discussed with you why she doesn't want an abortion but it's surely not beyond the realms of possibility that it's because she doesn't want to kill her unborn child. I got pregnant at 22 out of wedlock and my parents tried to persuade me to have n abortion. I didn't- DD is now nearly 8 and I still haven't forgiven them for the pressure they put on me. I chose to keep my baby but I think had I been 14 I would still have had the strong moral and religious views that led me to dismiss abortion as a possibility. I would however not have had the maturity to deal with a baby and I think I would have had the child adopted on this situation.

Sounds like south Wales is a place to avoid then.

The reason I didn't have a baby in my teens and my godness I have been broody since about the age of 6 was that a) boyfriend had more bloody sense and b) it was drummed into me that it would ruin my life as my own mother had 2 kids by the age of 20 she knew what she was talking about. The only decent bit of advice she ever gave.
FWIW - morning sickness kicks in around 8/9 weeks, you've got to want the baby pretty badly to get through that, with a bit of luck the reality of pregnancy, birth and all that goes with it might be a wake up call for her.

I also want to say I felt so traumatised and empty that I spent all my time trying to get pg after that I felt empty and incomplete.

I know this was wrong I am older and would never do such a thing now. I got pg at 17 so my life was still ruined but since having a dc I now feel happy and complete.

Oh, this OP's SD has a choice, fair enough.

But choices come with consequences.

And, if it were one of my own daughters, that would be mother and baby unit if they chose to have and keep the baby because mentally I can't live with another baby. Hence, why we made the decision to be responsible and get sterilised and still use other contraception.

I make sure they are aware of this now, so they will have always known the score.

Part of being an adult, and having a baby and keep it is an adult thing to do, is to learn that your actions have consequences, on yourself and others.

Why assume it's possible for this lady to bring up a kid she doesn't want? She may have mental health issues or other disabilities that make that impossible.

scaryteacher - I do agree with some of what you say. It's a very difficult situation and I also agree childbirth can be damaging too. But if the OP's DSD is sure she wants to keep the baby, being supportive is the only way forward imo.

Abortion isn't a default option for anyone who thinks it's wrong for them. It's not an option if you can't justify it to yourself as the correct thing to do. Therefore she is trapped in a difficult situation as much as anyone else is.

How pregnant is she OP?

Mjin no there where not.

I may be wrong, but I suspect that the decision your DSD makes will be heavily influenced by her being in effect abandoned by her own mum. In her mind, this will be an opportunity to have a baby and love it properly and not to abandon it. So, the more you try to suggest not having the child (by termination or adoption), the more something in her will want to cling to that idealised model (and it is an ideal) of what it is like to love and care for a child.

I would a) find out how far she is gone and b) get external help to go through the options so that the idea of abortion isn't attached to you (as in your idea and not hers, but is simply someone else laying out the options).

Expat, none of us knows what life could bring, perhaps it is not just another child in the house which would be difficult for you. I have a friend who had a stroke in her early thirties and became dependent for two years completely on her parents. I don't think it was what they planned for retirement, wiping their adult child's bottom, but that was what they chose to do. Obviously they could have chosen to to put her in a home for that period as well. I know people who have taken in their adult children with mental health problems for periods of time as well. Who knows what problems our children might present us with which we would struggle to cope with? However, unless I really thought my own mental health was at risk, I hope I would help out, even if it did turn my life and plans upside down for a few years.

they not there, my phone types what it likes.,

I was going to name change for this but...
I got bullied into having an abortion very young, I was alot like tess described the little girl, quiet, well behaved etc but I was bombarded with all the terrible things that would happen 'the baby won't have what you had, no money, no future, live in a shit area etc etc' anywayi was young and very vulnerable (my mum wasn't arous either at that point.
I even tried asking for help at the clinic I was sent to but the nurse didn't listen to me at all and forced the pills back in myouth after I spat them out into my sleeve.
Anyway, I ended up having a breakdown a year after it happened- got dragged into hospital after wandering around town asking ladies where they had got their buggies because I needed one for my baby when a kind nurse found me.
I'm fine now but I do still regret it, and regret beig so weak although ido understand that it wasn't my fault.

So basically I think you must respect her wishes, I think this is just one of the many responsibilities you accept when you do decided to become a parent.

On a practical note, has anyone actually looked at how the OP's DSD will manage a return to education??

Tess - if you support your DSD with her pregnancy, and she chooses to have the baby, then return to school, she will be able to have home tuition for the periods immediately prior to and after the birth.

She will be able to use 'Care to Learn' funding to cover £160 of childcare costs per week,

"Care to Learn will pay up to £160 per child per week (up to £175 if you live in London) to help with the cost of:

* childcare while you're learning, on work placements linked to your course or programme of study, doing private study or travelling between home and your childcare provider
* any registration fees (up to £80) or deposit (up to £250) normally charged by the childcare provider
* a childcare 'taster' aimed at helping your child settle in before your learning starts
* fees you need to pay during holidays to keep the childcare place open
* additional travel costs you have to pay so you can take your child from home to the childcare provider

The childcare provider will receive payments direct from Care to Learn. Any funding to help with travel costs will be paid to your learning or training provider regularly, and they will reimburse you."

There will be child benefit, and IIRC you will be entitled to claim Child Tax Credits for the baby on behalf of your DSD.

Whatever she decides, your DSD will be affected by this for the rest of her life. The difference, IMO, and only my opinion, is whether she will have something to show for it. She could be a good mother with a good education.

Nobody seems to have mentioned this but has your DSD been checked for STDs? Some of them can be very harmful to a developing foetus.

Oh, I certainly never planned on PTSD, panic attacks, anxiety disorder and PND that did not clear up after 2 years and became chronic depression (treated, but not curable), Onetoomany.

That's why I drum a lot of stuff into my kids' head, because there are literally some things I can no longer cope with, and the cry of a baby in the night is one of them.

Again, hence why we made sure we can no longer have any more children.

I'm sorry that happened to you, Hedge, but I disagree with this: 'So basically I think you must respect her wishes, I think this is just one of the many responsibilities you accept when you do decided to become a parent.' In that I'd respect her wishes, but she'd have to find another place to live because I am unable to look after another child.

I'm with scaryteacher, Giddypickle and expat here.

No, she should not be forced into abortion but she does need to be fully informed of all the choices available to her and the consequences of that choice. Yes, that includes being told what it entails bringing up a child, it's obvious from the 'I'll feed it before and after school...' that she has no idea.

On learning about the options, including the mother and baby units etc she can then make an informed decision.

I see no reason why the op should take on childcare, she already has two other children, as well as dsd, to care for. These other children also need to be considered in the decision making process.

If the op's dh doesn't want to suggest a mother/baby unit to his dsd, I can see why not, then it's up to him to provide the support, eg getting up during the night, to his dd. Either that or make it clear to her that she has to do the night feeds, give up nights out with her friends etc.

Expat- yes I agree with you in that respect, what I meant was that this problem is just one of the things that is attached to becoming a parent yourself- ie the possibilty of it happening, I would uderstand completely if the girl had to go and live in a mum and baby unit, I don't thinktheres anything wrong with that at all.
Sorry I worded it quite badly!

Tess, I'm just stunned at you managing to be so caring and thoughtful about this. You really are impressive.

One little thing I wondered about was that you say when you mention other options than keeping the baby she gets upset and goes to her room. She's running away. Of course it may be that she is upset by the idea of abortion, but it might also be that she wishes she could run away from the whole situation. Someone mentioned further up the thread that keeping on with the pregnancy can seen an easier option than a termination - at least, it may seems as if it would defer the 'reality' for a few more months. So I wonder, maybe she needs you to be more forceful, and to sit her down and really justify to you that she's thought about and weighed up all the options. You can point out to her that she will have to tackle much harder things than this if she has the baby, so it's not enough simply to state that she wants to keep the baby and leave it at that.

Best of luck to you and to her.