To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

jenai- was that to me? I had my son in my first year at uni an my daughter in my final year so no free years at all! twas amazing though

What a hard situation for all of you Tess.

I'm curious about why her dad wouldn't have any role in caring for the baby if she has it?

I think the letter writing is a really good idea. As well as expressing how you feel (and try to remember when you write it that however bad this is for you, it's a million times scarier for her) - how about encouraging her to write back to express her thoughts, anxieties, best/worst case scenarios etc.

Nordic, I was referring to NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU's post.

But, yes, I take my hat off to you too. But even so, you were an adult of 18 or 19 when you became a parent. This girl will be 14 or 15.

altinkum - nobody is talking about forcing this girls into having a termination ffs.

You've seen a 12 year old
Jesus how does that happen to a family, that's bloody disgraceful.

scaryteacher - how do you know it was 'self-inflicted'? Perhaps it was accidental.

How do you suppose the family will cope if the girl is brow-beaten into having an abortion and then has a break down afterwards as a result?? It is well recognised that anyone who has an unwanted abortion suffers as a result and often struggles to cope afterwards. A child of 14 is still their parents responsibility and they have a responsibility to protect them from experiences that they will find damaging.

YANBU

Abortion.

Adoption.

Mother and baby unit...

all viable options imo.

Staying at home with baby....not viable for me/us/the existing family.

Emotionally I couldn't cope, financially the family couldn't cope, space wise we would have to 'farm out' existing children (young teens/pre teens) to make room.

DH has had the snip and I am on the pill to make sure there are no more babies to cope with.

DSD is entitled to make her own choices regards having this child or not, but I am also allowed a choice and I would choose not to take on this particular responsibility.

I would be extremely resentful of the impact upon the existing family should DSD continue with the pregnancy and insist on staying at home with the child.

You don't think support for these situations are going to be cut over the next few years on the basis of what we've seen so far of the coalition ?

Actually I think there is a sub text behind all this 'let her know what it's really like' stuff that people are constantly refering to - and that's 'so she will have an abortion'

If that's what she decides to do I'm sure it will work out fine for her - but it is not something you can ever, ever force on a person - whatever their age - and I think it is extremely important that it is approached with the utmost sensitivity and support. I think that's what the op is doing tbh.

"child of 14 is still their parents responsibility and they have a responsibility to protect them from experiences that they will find damaging."

I agree with you there and having unprotected sex would be one of them.

I agree with altinkum - it may all seem rather bleak at the moment but it could all work out fine. And no it is certainly not black and white.

It sounds as if the OP has probably already explained to her DSD the downsides of having a baby so young but if she's still determined she wants to keep her baby you must support her imo. Imagine how hard this must be for her? She's trapped too.

'scaryteacher - how do you know it was 'self-inflicted'? Perhaps it was accidental.

How do you suppose the family will cope if the girl is brow-beaten into having an abortion and then has a break down afterwards as a result?? It is well recognised that anyone who has an unwanted abortion suffers as a result and often struggles to cope afterwards. A child of 14 is still their parents responsibility and they have a responsibility to protect them from experiences that they will find damaging.'

If she chose to have sex, then it is self inflicted. There is so much more sex ed and contraception around than when I was her age in the 80s, that I fail to understand why she didn't go and get the MAP if a condom split.

How do you suppose the family will cope if the OP decides she can't deal with this a year down the line and leaves because she feels brow beaten into dealing with the baby?

As for experiences they will find damaging, I wouldn't call giving birth a non-damaging experience would you?

YADNBU. I would point out her choice, but if she feels mature enough to bring a baby into the world she needs to go it alone. People make out its so cruel and nasty but youngsters who make these choices which are way out of their ability to deall with really need to understand the consequences of their actions, one of which being dealing with the aftermath of their bad choices.
Im sick to death of this current attitude that teenagers should be able to bring life into this world without having an iota of responsibility for it or even a clue how it impacts on the whole family, and families should be all happy about it. Over my dead body.

I think people need to accept that there is no easy, no harm answer here. I think though that two adults will cope better with their lives being disrupted for a few more years than a young woman will cope with either having a child that she doesn't want or having an abortion that she doesn't want. That's why she comes first for me.

Can I just say be very careful I was raped at 15 and this resulted in pg I wanted to keep because I do not believe in termination (not dead against it but did not want to do it).

My family forced a termination I never forgave them for this and found it harder to deal with than the rape. My termination went wrong I was dying, I knew it and in agony worse pain I have ever felt in my life but I refused to tell anyone because without my pg I didn't want to live and wanted to die at the same time as my pg. My mother eventually discovered and I was in hospital a month.

7 years and two dc later this still haunts me I got PTSD and was unable to sleep or do anything for months I was scared to leave the house and was on suicide watch. Please please be very careful.

My mental health would take priority over my own daughter's leaving me with her baby I didn't want when she was fourteen because I need to keep sane for their younger brother. There is a reason sex at this age is illegal. Because that person is not a woman but a child.

It would be mother and baby home and if Dh disagreed I'd have no choice but to move out because my mental health literally can't take another baby.

I didn't stop becoming a human being with needs and rights just because I had children.

I agree with Loudlass completely.

I can't believe anyone finds it acceptable for a 12-year-old to have a baby and bring it up. That's medieval.

SCared - I'm so sorry that was your experience .

But expat - taking a child away from a mother who wishes to care for it and (with support) is capable of doing so - is barbaric - as is compelling any female to have an abortion or to continue with a pregnancy. Choices come with costs and that's complicated yes - but removing those choices is unforgiveable.

'Imagine how hard this must be for her? She's trapped too.' No, she's not - she can have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption. An entire family which already exists is being put at risk by this.

As for 'it could all work out fine', it could equally not all work out fine. I think the OP is in an invidious position here.