To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

DH and I have just had a major phone row while he was on lunch break - I reiterated to him that if he decides she stays here with the baby, then he is the one that helps her with getting up in the night, caring for baby when she wants to go out, helping her with costs, etc.

He shouted that I took on the role of her mother, so I should be a mother and help her with her child, and that since I am home part of the week working and part of it not working, I have 'more than enough time' to take care of the baby .

DSD went for a walk and hasn't been back, she's probably stopped off at a friend's but now there's no one in the house, DH is coming home late via the pub I'm sure, and I feel really rotten.

You see, I think people play mind games with themselves: she may be thinking, 'If step-mum really thought abortion was right, she'd insist on it more', or she may be thinking, 'unless I show I'm really upset, she'll force me into having an abortion'. It's clear from your posts that you're not thinking along these lines at all, but she may be!

Well your DH is behaving like a wanker. You've had the child since she was 9, he's been her father for life!

Yes you took on the role of MOTHER to his daughter and your kids- NOT any children a teenager decides to have and leave you looking after!

Tess, I don't know what to say. I'd say you are in this together, and that means that you support each other. I have to say though, that he has a point about taking her on as a daughter - would you feel the same if she was biologically yours?

Tess - you need some RL support. Is there anyone you can talk to - a friend/sil?

I do see her as my daughter, but it's been a very rough road in terms of connecting with her, especially as none of us really had a choice in the matter, her mother just left her. I've tried to make her feel very safe and secure with me, but like any teenager she has moments of shouting 'You're not my real mother' and we end up in shambles.

It's hard because DH says he is adamant she won't go anywhere, and yet he won't take responsibility for all the rest of it, expecting me to just toe the party line I guess even though I don't get a say in where she goes because she's not biologically mine? Seems backward to me but it's a very sensitive issue round here and always causes fireworks when anyone mentions that she had a mother before me.

Tess, you may have taken her on as your daughter but as LRP says, he is her father so he should be prepared to be the one to support her in night feeds etc.

I also agree with LRP when she says he's a wander too.

Can you get some professional advice/counselling fast for all three of you? What a dreadful situation for you all but most of all for dsd. Do you think you might feel differently if you were her mum and the baby was your potential grandchild? Does she think of you as her mum? There are potentially two young lives at stake here and poor dsd needs all the support in the world to make sure she does what's right for her right now. I'm sorry, I know you are in a terrible situatino that you haven't chosen but I really think you have to put what's right for dsd first here. To do otherwise will risk fracturing the home for all concerned. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

DH is early to work and then late home on the day RL shit hits the fan! Then has the cheek to lay all the responsibility at your door!

I think me and him would be having 'words' later!!

wander [hhmm]

Should read wanker.

nothere My family all live in another country, I have a SIL who is childless and quite flighty, tbh. This has really shaken us up as a family and I haven't chatted to any friends about it yet. I know it's awful to care what other people think but just not there yet.

That is really unfair Tess! That you were good enough to take on another person's child and raise as your own should not be thrown in your face. And the fact that you have raised her as your own means your opionion should be treated as at least as valid as his (more so really as it will impact your life so much more than his). How dare he decide you can look after another baby!

You can not "push" her in to an abortion but if you won't raise this child you can insist she go to a mother and baby unit. Tell him you will leave then see how he feels about raising a baby and a overtired 14 year old himself!

Tell him that just because you have a vagina it doesn't not make you first in line for the childcare. It's 2010 not the 1950s.

Thanks all, I do need to grow a pair and have it out with him, I think.

It's very unlike him so perhaps that's why I'm excusing it a bit, and I do admire that he's so protective/good Daddy, but he is definitely not thinking clearly here.

Tess - I don't know anything about this organisation but has a phone line that you could use to talk to sombody?

What altin said.

Forcing you to bring up a child you don't want?

I don't think so.

Sorry, but I'd actually find another place to live for me and the boys, get a FT job and he can have some space to think about it and I'd have some time to think of why I married a man who believes my having a pussy means I'm a skivvy with no right to live my life.

Gosh. Shocked at the attitude of your husband, no wonder you are worried. :(

Your husband is understandably fraking out right now, and not thinking straight.

But he needs to know that if he wants you to act like the bio Mum, then you have as much say in this as he does.

Is he bio Dad to your boys? Sorry, you may have said already and I've missed it.

Oh cripes.

You have my sympathy as does your dsd.

I really don't know what the answer is, but I do know that having an termination does not have to be a terrible thing. I had one when I was 17 and it was just a relief especially as I had terrible morning sickness and no parents around to support me. I have never regretted it and now have 2 lovely wanted dcs. My ds is nearly 12 and he's such a baby I really don't think a 14 year old would manage very well without a lot of help from you.

Of course there's always adoption, but that's even harder to do in a way.

(Haven't read whole thread...)

Sorry for your shock.

Putting my ha'p'th in...

I am sure there will be some sort of "young pregnancy unit" at your local hospital. Maybe phone them now to get as medical info confirmed as you can (dates, singleton etc!) They will be someone used to dealing with young mums/pregnancies...

The school should be informed once all confirmed.

Am guessing this might have been a summer-holiday romance?? or interlude - as others say, don't worry about the father just yet - you can deal with him later...

Anecdotally - don't you think that children (esp girls) who have had some sort of trauma with their mothers, (ie were adopted/abandoneed) tend to beocme mothers much younger than their peers?

If WORSE comes to Worse, some areas have foster places for young mums and babies -so that they stay in a unit together if their relationship with girls' parents totally breaks down????

'Once the early stages have passed, and as a family you have made the adjustments, you will survive this, all of you.' Aargh - perhaps the family won't make the adjustments and it may not survive! This will put an enormous strain on the OPs marriage, and on the relationship her dcs have with their dss. ''Oh we can't afford to do x now as we've got to pay for the baby' 'No, you can't have friends for a sleepover because it might wake the baby' at the most trivial level this will have an effect, as it will at the deeper levels. Why should the effect on the other kids be ignored? It will be bloody difficult for this family, and all the 'oh you'll adjusts' in the world on here, will not make it right or easy for them.

"Im sick to death of this current attitude that teenagers should be able to bring life into this world without having an iota of responsibility for it or even a clue how it impacts on the whole family, and families should be all happy about it."

Well said! I agree with you

Really feel for you OP, hope it all works out for you!