To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

I think a weekend staying with an older cousin - one who's having a blast at university say - would be a more powerful demonstration of why having a child at 14/15 is such a stupid idea life-limiting thing to do.

(posted too soon) ..than playing Mummies with an animatronic doll.

There are two options for the ops dd:

1. Have an abortion.
2. Keep the baby and have the OP do an awful lot, realistically the majority, of childcare on her behalf.

Don't want to be repetitive, but what other options are there? She is not old enough to live somewhere else on her own with the baby. She is not old enough to opt out of full time education.

She is 14, not 17. 14 is too young.

You need to find out, via scan or her knowing her periods or when the "deed" was done how far along she is - that can limit your range of options drastically. I got pregnant while in an abusive relationship (the irony of all of this doesn't escape me now with the crap we're going through - don't worry) and because I still had periods for a while, I was quite a bit further along than I thought I would have been - which limited the type of termination I was allowed to have. That's the purely practical concern here - you are probably pushing timewise if she's dithered for a few weeks, thought "oh I haven't had a period for a bit" and what-not.

It HAS to be her choice. Despite the crap we've had years down the line when I did meet Mr Right after managing to get away from Mr Abusive Arse-Face trying to concieve - I don't actually regret the abortion I had. I don't regret it because it was a choice I made, because it was definitely the right choice for the situation I was in (later events where I found out his knob had been porking its way halfway around the North-East proved that... oh and when he burgled my house after leaving). If I'd have been backed into it, and then subsequently had the problems we've had, I think I would have destroyed myself with guilt.

Your first step has to be to get things dated - so you know what you're actually dealing with and how long you've got to make a decision.

If she keeps it - it might be the making of her... you don't know.

Cote - I did my finals when my daughter was two weeks old. I have a friend who had her son whilst at Cambridge and graduated with a god degree then went on to do a PGCE. In the real world women get pregnant and work - that applies to schools and universities as well.

altin I would never force her into a clinic, and I haven't even verbally pressured her, just suggested it a couple of times so she knows it's a possibility. I haven't gotten all upset when she says 'keeping it' - I just go quiet then say that there are other options, she gets upset and goes into her room so that's the extent of it atthe minute.

I would never forcibly take her anywhere, but I just feel like it would be best for us, the boys, and her if our lives didn't get upended due to this baby. I'm sure the baby would be lovely, as babies usually are, but they are also screaming, helpless infants who need someone to take care of them, and I don't feel that DSD at 14 could properly do that.

Tess, I really feel for you. You have to point out to your dh that by contemplating having this baby and keeping it with you, he is taking away your choices just as much as his dd is. You must feel trapped.

Giddypickle and I seem to be singing off entirely the same hymn sheet. One has to consider the practicalities long and hard here.

YABU - you need to support her choice - it is the only way forward.

Women who are pressured into abortions they do not want usually end up with psychological damage and this could leave you, your DH and her with a whole set of other problems. If she is sure she wants to keep this baby then it would be very unfair to brow beat her or try to change her mind.

I do understand it's difficult for you and that you're worried about the effect on your life but your DSD is a child herself. As she gets older she will be more independent so you probably won't have to care for /help her care for the baby forever. If she's pressured into an abortion she may end up damaged to the extent that her ability to lead an independent life is hindered.

That's the way I see it. But I would gently keep trying to find out who the baby's father is, not least because if he works he should be made to pay child support.

Altinkum, who would pay the other 30% of the childcare though? It wont be the 14 year old thats for sure - why should the OP have to fund it? Thats even if 70% is paid in the first place as the household income may not qualify for means tested benefits.

If she has the baby the bulk will fall to the OP which is totally not fair. If the daughter wants to become a mum at 14 then she needs to do it the hard way not just a cuddle after school.

'You have to point out to your dh that by contemplating having this baby and keeping it with you, he is taking away your choices just as much as his dd is. You must feel trapped.'

scaryteacher I do not agree with this at all. A parent has a responsibility to put their child's needs above theirs. It is not in the girl's best interests to have an abortion if she doesn't want one - and it sounds as if she is very sure.

It may sound harsh, may sound unfair but that's life. And babies grow up very quickly, you dsd will too and with the right support she will eventually be able to look after her baby independently imo.

If you really dont want responsibility then she moves into a mother and baby unit.

I studied psychoanalysis, and I have only been out of uni a year and am at home with my children working weekends and running a breastfeeding group volunatarily on Fridays.

Being at uni and having children is the best thing i ever did, the best of both worlds easily. I plan to go to full time weekday work when my children are older. I also resent being asked to "prove" where I now am "professionally" as though to pass some sort of success test.

She can do anything she wants to as long as has all the information and its well planned, just motivate and support her as much as you can without pushing her.

There is actually a third option which no-one seems to have mentioned (sorry if I missed a post). Adoption.

It could be that your DD has very strong moral or personal views against abortion for herself (I know I did at age 14 - my attitude has always been that it was something I could never never go through, though I have no problems at all with it as an option for others). Nobody talks about adoption as an option these days, but it is still there and has a lot of the positives that neither abortion or keeping it perhaps do.

If your DSD wants to do the very best for the child, then it could be that letting it be brought up by two people who have the time, money and (potentially - I don't know your DSD) maturity to give the child the best possible opportunities in life. ALthough she would have to go through the traumas of pregnancy and birth, it may be that she just can't bare the thought of living through an abortion?

Your DSD needs to understand all the options and the realism attached to each one - though perhaps now is not the moment for her to be able to take it all on board. It certainly sounds like she needs to understand the realities of being a parent and how it will affect her life (i.e. a year out of school, missing out on the fun of being an 18 year old with no responsibilities?!) before she can make an informed decision.

all i can say it dont push her into having a termination ,get some advice ,some teen pregnancy avice centre ,my dd had a baby 6 weeks from being 18,shes a great mum not what i wanted for her but she made her own mind up and having a termination did not come into it her baby is now 5m ,she has a lot of thinking to do all the best :)

I think at 14 years old Universities or life as a single 20 year old woman earning her own money having fun is just too far into the future to contemplate.
I know people are saying don't pressurizer her but the girl is potentially ruining her life here as a parent you can't sit back and watch that happen, I couldn't.
She obviously wants something of her own to love unconditionally poor mite having lost her mother in her life. Did she have any sort of counseling when that happened ?

You're right mjinhiding, thats exactly what will happen despite promises. Very wrong to force somebody elses lifestyle choice onto someone else when so much work will be needed.

Electra - I don't agree with you. The OP faces losing realistically the next 4-5 years of her life caring for her dsd's child whether she wants to or not; her choices and life will be put on hold for this.

You do not have a responsibility to put a child's needs above your own or those of your already existing children in a situation like this. This is self inflicted on the part of the dsd, and she in turn is forcing her choice on others. What about the best interests of the other children? Why should they have to suck this up when there are alternatives?

Babies turn into toddlers, which is more difficult, but that's OK, someone else will with deal with that for this child.

Nothere doing finals - as an adult - with a 2 week old must have been hard work, and I take my hat off to you.

However that was easier, surely, than doing GCSEs with a two year old, A-levels with a 4 yo, finals with a 7 year old.

And I assume you had at least two years to enjoy univeristy life childfree beforehand.

What's disgraceful? The girl cannot be forced to have an abortion as you pointed out, but she needs to be told very thoroughly and dispassionately exactly what having a baby entails, and how it will impact on the rest of the family. This can't all be about her.