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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DSD to have an abortion?

1002 replies

TessoftheDamned · 25/10/2010 00:16

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought Hmm was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 26/10/2010 17:46

I think that you should insist on knowing the father. If my DSs had fathered a DC I would want to know.
It is so sad that her response to looking after a baby is so childlike, and no DC should come into the world with responsibility for loving the parent. Wanting 100% love is so sad for the baby. She needs to love herself first. I do think she needs help-she is one mixed up child.
I think DH is responding to it all very badly-he should be holding it all together-not Tess.

piscesmoon · 26/10/2010 17:47

The DC needs to know the other 50% of his/her makeup.

hildathebuilder · 26/10/2010 17:53

Tess I've been watching and reading this post since you first posted. I didn't say anything before as I didn't know what to say as I only have a 7 month old baby. But I hope that in 14 years I am doing as good a job as you are.

maryz · 26/10/2010 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duchesse · 26/10/2010 17:54

Absolutely hats off to you Tess. You have succeeded in open good communication channels with DSD, and that is the most enormous hurdle overcome.

My bet is that she is further along than you think- she could be as late at 5 months and still not have a bump. The fact that she told you even though she was terrified and didn't want an abortion indicates to me that she told because she had to tell you iyswim.

mathanxiety · 26/10/2010 17:56

I'm really Shock that the DH went out boozing and came home drunk through all of what's going on. Needs a very stern talking to.

Original poster
TessoftheDamned · 26/10/2010 18:02

I'm starting to feel like I'm falling apart now, getting through the dinner seemed easy - now the reality that DH and I might not be on the same 'side' as such is killing me.

What about my boys? Do they have to default to having a mother who is always worried about her grandchild and not 100% focussed on them? Do I break up their home life and take them away from their father and half-sister and niece/nephew because I feel put upon and expected to do the majority of the care?

The boys haven't been here the last 2 days and it's them that I'm now really worried for Sad

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 26/10/2010 18:02

Huge amount of respect to you Tess. You are really being so stoic about all this. It does all seem sucha mess. What the bloody hell is your DP doing going out and getting blindo. It seems like you are the only adult in ths house at the moment.

Hopefully your DSD will open up a bit more - does seem that she has clammed up for some reason. You do seem to be approaching it the best, doing the softly softly approach.

I hope the scan goes well tomorrow.

This has been most thought provoking - I told DD about the thread earlier. She said 'if she has an abortion it will ruin her life'. I said 'not necessarily' and told her that I had an abortion a few years ago, and the reasons why. It really has opened up a debate with us.

Tess will be thinking of you tomorrow - really hats off to you.

Hearsetease · 26/10/2010 18:03

Tess, I have read this from the start and just wanted to say how very good it is that she has you. It sounds like you did such a brilliant job at helping her get at least some of her feelings out. Wishing you all good luck, it's all very unfair on everybody.

Quattrocento · 26/10/2010 18:04

Tess, you have the might of mumsnet here. I'm sure we can find you an 18mth to 24mth old for your DSD to look after for a few hours

If that doesn't put her off - nothing will ...

Original poster
TessoftheDamned · 26/10/2010 18:05

I'm happy to ship her anywhere Grin

OP posts:
BrianAndHisBalls · 26/10/2010 18:05

Echo Pices - babies don't give 100% they take 100% Sad That's just the way it is. A lot of burden for a newborn baby to have, to make a 14 year old 'feel loved'.

So sad for you all Tess.

BitOfFunderthepatio · 26/10/2010 18:06

Now there is a suggestion that could have legs, Quattrocento- good plan. What region are we talking, Tess?

CheerfulYank · 26/10/2010 18:08

OH, honey honey honey. I so wish you lived by me, I would help you out in anyway I can. It's such an awful lot to deal with on your own.

I don't have any real advice but again, any time you need to scream feel free to private message me or anything at all. Maybe you'll get some help from the organizations you mentioned?

What a situation. I think you are handling it admirably. I hope she tells you who the father is soon; he can damn well help out.

CheerfulYank · 26/10/2010 18:09

You could send her to me in Minnesota, Tess. She could hang out with my right terror lovely little three year old for a bit. :)

Deemented · 26/10/2010 18:10

Well, i have a willful two year old and a demanding nine months old thats up every couple of hours in the night that i'd happily lend you if you're in South Wales.

I've not commented before, but have been following. I can see totally where you're coming from. A family member of mine got pregnant at 13, and had her baby at 14. She refused to say who the father was. It was only a couple of years later when she had a breakdown that it came out that her dc was born from abuse. I so hope this isn't the case for you here.

GetOrfMoiLand · 26/10/2010 18:10

There is someone on mumsnet whose daughter is 16 and pregnant, and is dealing with the fallput. I wish I could remember her name, she only posts on here sporadically .

Littlevik · 26/10/2010 18:10

Well done for keeping as calm as you have and talking to her. Totally different situation (i will keep this as brief as poss!) i fell pregnant very quickly with my little one (so much so because of the way the dates worked out i was more pregnant then we had been together!) i had known him 10 years so although the relationship was new we knew what each other was about. I was living at home because of a bad breakup with my ex and was 27. My mum went on and on and on at me to get rid of my baby, even got my dad to try and convince me, but i wasnt having any of it. The whole pregnancy she wanted nothing to do with the baby, wouldnt even talk to me about it. So i couldnt talk to her about any problems i was having, even babies first kick, i was sat next to her but couldnt mention it. Now hes here she adores him, but deep down i have never forgiven her for it. Sometimes when shes going on about how great he is i want to just shout at her as i do feel great resentment that "she never wanted him anyway". even now i wont ever talk about any bad days im/ we are having as even though its normal i wouldnt want to give her the satisfaction

So back to what this has to do with you, shes 14 and needs to know whats in store (at 27 i had a rough idea) but play it carefully that she knows her options, she knows whats in store but equally leave the door open so she can talk to you, she can tell you shes struggling and needs help. And to make sure shes not doing it to spite you (probably wrong phrase!) and to prove shes an adult.

Good luck with the scan

Original poster
TessoftheDamned · 26/10/2010 18:10

We are in Kent but we're on the border of 2 other counties - would rather not give loads away but if anyone is remotely near the area (west Kent) you could send a PM and I could confirm the area?

OP posts:
hildathebuilder · 26/10/2010 18:12

Tess I think yoyur DSD has made her mind up, and won't change it. As such you need to talk to your DH honestly about how you feel, and what your fears are about the baby. What you will do and more importantly what you won't do. I would also recommend that you explain to your DH the concerns you have for your other children, and how this may affect them, as well as any concerns you have for your marriage (I am not sure if you have any, and I suspect your DH will also step up but needs more time). I would also recommend that you speak to a counsellor yourself, not about your DSD's choices but about your own feelings and concerns. You are going to need to remain strong and possibly be the only sensible one for a while. To do that you need an outlet, to rant and rave, and potentially to mourn the childfree time you had been expecting in a few years unless you are going to tell your DSD she has to move out.

Original poster
TessoftheDamned · 26/10/2010 18:12

Yank Grin Maybe if I don't get any closer offers

OP posts:
Zoopy · 26/10/2010 18:14

Tess Sad

I think for the moment you and your DH really, really need to talk. Once you both know how the other feels about all this, only then can proper decisions and discussions can be had.

I must say I am not very impressed with your DH so far...but that is a whole other thread!

Well done with your level headedness regards last night and today.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2010 18:15

Tess, my heart breaks for you.

Is there any chance you can get some counselling, on your own, so that YOU can get a chance to sort out how you feel about it, what you need to do about it (if anything) and how/why?

I think you deserve this because the reality is that if she's living there, chances are you will be doing nights and weekends.

Your husband's being a twonk, hope your chat goes well with him tonight.

But honestly, if you can get some help, it would help a lot, I think.

She's going to have this baby. Now you need to figure out what you need to do about it.

I wouldn't have promised her any weekends. I'd leave those for spur of the moment so there's no expectation or 'You said some weekends!'

I feel so sorry for this poor baby.

BrianAndHisBalls · 26/10/2010 18:15

I'm in Worcestershire if thats by you and have a 9 month old that throws up a lot, any good? Grin

HellaVita · 26/10/2010 18:16

Tess, thinking of you and your family x

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