To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

'And mine is that with your experience colouring your judgement you are not best placed to offer advice. Having a newborn around is not always a negative experience and may not be for the OP. Even if it is highly inconvenient.'

The OP is not asking for advice. She is asking if she is being unreasonable. Hence, as this is an open forum, anyone can respond and it is neither here nor there if someone else agrees or disagrees with their opinion.

The OP is also of the opinion that a newborn is a negative experience for her (hence, both she and her husband have been sterilised) and beyond an inconvenience.

This thread, however, is making me see the Tory point of view.

I find that as frightening as PND, so I'm off for a bit.

Yeah see ya. What a shame the baby is "beyond an inconvenience"....

Well I think kicking a young child out in their hour of need is WAY below the belt.

I have a 12 yr old dd and if she became pg at 14 i honestly think i as her mother would prefer she didn't have a baby but also after her having all the info from family, advisers at school and doctors ultimatelyshe has to make the decision for herself.

Both me and dh would support her as best possible while she was at school but she would ultimately have to take responsiblity for her child.

I don't believe forcing anyone to do something they don't want to is a better option and abortion really isn't something i would be pushing for her to do.

I hope with the help and support of this girls family she will be able to make a decision she will look back on in time and be proud of.

Well, Jodie, that's how the OP feels.
She absolutely does not want another child to look after, be it her own or her DSDs.

It's not for you to get all po faced and teary. We don't all want or are able to cope with a housefull.

Women are not stupid. We know what we can and what we can't do.

The thing is, though, JodiesMummy, do you really think that once the baby is here the OP will be able to live (and work) in the house without the baby having a major impact on her life? I would agree with you entirely if I believed it would be possible for her to genuinely not be involved, but I just think that in practice she will end up in the role of main carer (especially because neither the DSD nor the DH seem to be willing to come up with an alternative plan). TBH if I were in her shoes it would be the DH's appalling attitude that would have me reconsidering the mariage, not the baby in and of itself.

Where have I said women are stupid!

Where have I got "teary". I am entitled to my very OWN OPINION.

And me Zombie.
The astonishing arrogance of the man!

Zombie I agree this lady should not have to look after the baby at all. Its out of order that he has suggested it.

FFS Altinkum - where did I start moving Expat out of her house? Get a grip.

"Can I ask, as a serious question, how many of you who are suggesting that OP will be able to make her DSD take responsibility for the baby actually have teenagers themselves??".

I do, mj. Two daughters, one 15 and the other nearly 14. And, as I have said before on this thread, they are in no doubt whatsoever that if they chose to go through with a pregnancy whilst living in my house, they would very rapidly find themselves looking for other accommodation. I couldn't legally force my 15 or 13 yo to have an abortion, bit neither can they force me to live with a baby which is not mine and I would never ever chose to have at my age.

And unlike the OP, I don't even have the happiness, sense of security, financial stability and welfare of younger children and a marriage and presumably joint bank account, joint mortgage (and thus security of home) to worry about.

I had a moment of clarity about this the other day. DD has just turned 13 and I had a real 'oh no what if she got pg in the next couple of years'. I would be devastated for very many reasons.

I, personally, would just suck it up. As a SAHM I would be able to deal with day time care while she continued with education but would ensure DD did night time care.

Now that was a purely hypothetical situation and I am a different person, but I can totally understand why OP feels the way she does. And it's highly unreasonable for some people to assume that it's DSD's decision NOT to abort but OP's responsibility to suck it up.

And to question her integrity over taking on DSD when she married her H? A bit nasty too. When they married (from what I understand) DSD was cared for mainly by her mum. Why would there be an expectation for that to change? And how many of you have had children having fully assessed their capability to reproduce in a decade and a half's time? No. Nor me. So why is OP so wrong for not doing so?

This situation is a lose-lose. It seems impossible for everyone to be happy. It also seems as though the DSD is ignoring the problem. She needs to be sat down and forced to address the problem, whatever may happen next.

Tess - how did the appointment go?

vallhalloween - I think that's probably the most sensible route to ensuring your DDs don't get pregnant.

This thread has made me think a lot about my own children and what I would do. It is an insidious situation, with only losers. Horrible.

I fully intend to make my children aware that teenage pregnancy is a disaster for all involved. That I will not allow then to shirk responsibility and palm it off on me.

I can only hope that pts them off.

The DSD should be encouraged to make her own decision re the pregnancy, but she needs to get informed and she needs to actively make choices, not just bumble along and continue the prengnancy by default. Her decision will impact the whole family and, while it is fundamentally her decision, she has a responsibility to the rest of the family to make the decision properly rather than just letting it happen to her.

The potential threat to the marriage is, I believe, a separate issue to the motherhood/abortion/adoption debate and isn't something that the DSD should be aware of in making her decision (unfair pressure) but OP most certainly needs to have it out with her DH. The DH simply can't be allowed to just back her into a corner where her only two choices (if DSD keeps baby) are to become the baby's carer or leave the family.

wow, this thread has become a punch fight...

op, i am going to answer the op:
yanbu, you are being a good mother, if she was mine i too would want a termination.

how to do it is a different matter:

this is what i would do:

1. get her some counselling, it does sound like rape was involve in some way
2. she might tell who the father is to the counsellor, if he is over 16, i would charge him with statutory rape, at least.
3. you could ask a local baby group to attend with her, so she can see what a real baby is like, and maybe some brave mother would let her take care of hers for an hour, supervised but no help, to see what is like. for me, it was a shock to the system, and i was 32. but no doubt they will tell her how bloody hard it is and what to expect.
4. support her, is gonna be hard, whatever she decides, but only you know how mature she is to make a rational decision.

good luck, support each other as parents and as a couple, hope everything turns up ok.

Apologies - I do know the difference between "chose" and "choose", honest!

Litchcik - telling your children that teenage pregnancy is a disaster and you want nothing to do with it will not prevent it What it will do is ensure that unlike the op's daughter they wait as long as possible before telling you about any scrapes they get in to! We need to teach our daughters to take responsibility for themselves, to respect themselves and that starts with us respecting them and not making their position in the family conditional.

I agree with the post quoted below. (only quoted a bit of i, but agree with all of it)
I myself would not be able to take on a newborn, that simply would not be an option. This isn't a puppy or kitten, it is a child, actually two children. Refusing to give the fathers name would really peeve me off, as whoever he is, he is a part of this, whether or not he and the girl think he is. Could even be an older man, a teacher, or coach or someone?

Quattrocento Mon 25-Oct-10 20:18:40

So the options are:

1. Abortion
2. Adoption
3. She moves out and has the baby
4. She carries on living with you and has the baby and you end up de facto caring for it.

I agree with everyone else on this thread that the choices from 1-3 are up to DSD. But option 4 affects everyone, probably the OP most.

The OP has warmly and open-heartedly taken on step children that she never expected to have to care for.

She doesn't deserve this, she didn't vote for it and she has a right for her own wants and needs to be taken into consideration.

Sorry if I x post. I would suggest getting in touch with the Brook Advisory centre in your area, I'm sure they have lots of info for you. Surestart centres are also very helpful, especially with help while continuing education Big hug for all of you (( ))

It is indeed what people have been saying all along. The problem is that, as often with such an emotive issue, the original thrust has been slightly derailed by many of the posters who start off answering the OP and then turning on other posters.

^^