To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

'The family? The family aren't carrying the child '

No, they are beign expected to care for it and shoulder financial responsibility for it because the mother is a minor.

JodiesMummy - are you suggesting that the OP should pretent she's happy to become the main carer when she isn't? Pretend that it's all fine? I honestly believe this is a situation where everybody needs to put all their cards on the table. Not keep silent to pacify the rest of the family and quietly sacrifice your hopes and dreams.

If newborns affect your sanity why did you have 3 children?

The decision to abort or continue with the pregnancy is bugger all to do with the parents. The looking after of the child, yes, that is an issue which affects the rest of the family. The pregnancy is her decision, nobosy should be forced to terminate their own child.

It's not internet etiquette, altinkum. It's English grammar.

The sentence read thus:
'I hope they never bring drugs or drug dealers into your house then, No.'

The N is capitalised to indicate its use as a name rather than a noun.

No Zombie, she is not supposed to pretend, but to threaten divorce if the child is born and brought up in the home - I wonder if this is a stance she would take were it her daughter being the mother?

'If newborns affect your sanity why did you have 3 children? '

Because I wanted to, Jodie. I was receiviing treatment for AND and PND after the first was born.

Two years after the last, however, my PND was not gone, and my consultant diagnosed me with chronic depression and PTSD.

His advice was to not have any more children.

So we took steps to ensure that.

But if I fell pregnant, I'd have a termination.

Any other personal questions you care to ask to try to insinuate I have less entitlement to an opinion than you?

The bottom line is, right now it's very convenient for everyone (except OP, of course) if the pregnancy continues with the assumption that OP will become the carer. It means that the DSD gets to put off an uncomfortable decision (and TBH it does sound like she's buried her head in the sand a little) and OH can play the supportive father while knowing he won't shoulder the burden of DSD's decision. I just think that the DSD has to choose here. and in order to really choose she needs to have all the facts. Which she won't get unless she stops blocking discussions. It is horrifically unfair that, simply by not taking ownership of the problem, (either by choosing to terminate or adopt, or by coming up with a plan for how the baby will be cared for) DSD effectively gets to turn the entire household upside down.

mother and baby units, as best i understand it (also sw but not in this field) are the supported living option for young mothers who are 'unintentionally homeless' or considered at risk with their family though. it varies though. ime v young women will go from the unit on to a foster placement with their baby or stay in the unit until they can live independently depending on their needs. places are scarce and as other posters have said, only available if no other accomodation is available. however, if the op wants the dsd to live independently asap with the baby then this route is the quickest but as i have said before - she will need to kick dsd out to start the process.

so you know what strikes me about situations like these:

in theory it's an absolute disaster/nightmare scenario.

but in reality, once there is a baby, there is another person, a person that could be delightful and enriching.

I'm in no way anti-abortion (I had one aged 22 and do not regret it) by the way.

I think the only option is the one that this girl chooses. the very best you can do OP is make that as informed a choice as possible in as unbiased a way as possible.

FGS, altinkum! I only used the inverted commas in response to your post asking if the post were addressed to you; the original post did not have them on you.

Next time, I won't bother. [rolls eyes]

No, just wondering Expat. You are entitled to your opinion - as am I. And mine is that with your experience colouring your judgement you are not best placed to offer advice. Having a newborn around is not always a negative experience and may not be for the OP. Even if it is highly inconvenient.

Altinkum, do you understand that the OP has said she has no intention of forcing, or even persuading, her DSD to have an abortion against her will?

Presumably when expat had her first she wasn't aware that it would. And then with the subsequent children she was aware that medication would enable her to cope?

Which doesn't mean that she should have to again if her dds were to have children before they were emotionally or practically capable of caring for them.

With regards to the op, this is a terrible situation. I can remember asking my mother what she would do if I were pregnant (was about the op's dsd age) and she was very frank - abortion definitely the best option.

14 is too young.

Exactly Sophable.

Jodiesmummy - she may well take a different decision if it were her own child. But, given what is being asked of the OP, is it reasonable for outsiders to say that that would be wrong? Let's be really honest here - having stepchildren is usually a little bit different to having your own children, however much you insist that all children are loved equally, that there nmust be the same rules for all, no playing favourites etc. I would give my life for my son, but I just don't think I would make that kind of sacrifice for a stepDC (not that I have any, so I can't be sure of course). Are you suggesting that she should go against everything she wants in order to prove that the DSD is "equal"? Because I think that's a really bad reason to fall into the role of main carer for a child.

Zombie - you have hit the nail on the head.

The pregnant child and the DH are making a choice here, that will have a lasting and huge impactt on another person...the op.

If the DD decides to go ahead then she must accept that it is her responsibility entirely. Saying she will carry on as normal going to school etc and assuming that the op will care for her child is not on. She needs to know that this is not an option.

I have to say, that for all those gasping in shock at the op trying to impose her wishes on her DSD ( which actually I don't think she is), you are doing exactly the same to the op.
You, the DSD and the DH are all trying to force her to look after a child she doesn;'t want!!!! In what parallel universe do women do that to one another?

In what parallel universe does that strike anyone as a good idea?

But this child belongs to her husband. She chose to marry a man with a daughter. No way should that mean she has too look after the baby. But she should remain impartial and sympathetic and certainly not flounce out of her marriage because the kid has dropped a baby at 14! When you enter into a marriage you take on these things and suck it up.

Doesnt mean she has to look after the baby.