To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

'i dont think the op can be coerced because she can choose not to be involved.'

She may need to move out/end her marriage if she choses to do so, particularly after the husband's comments to her.

Thefirstmrs - That situation has been very much in my mind. It's exactly what my grandmother said to my parents - she lost her son in an accident. Teenage pregnancy, any unplanned pregnancy is hard - but it's not the worst thing in the world.

you haven't buggered it up, thefirstmrsDeVeerie

this is such a difficult situation, I am loath to post my opinion, because I truly do not know ho I woud feel in this situation

my dd turned 15 today

I would rather have her in my life, than not, no matter what challenges she may bring

I think that is all I can say at the moment

Contact social services.

If this was my foster dd or any stepdaughter I would be hoping that a mother and baby place in a home (or supported living) was available.

I would not have the baby staying with me at all. I would be happy to support her somewhere else - just not in my home.

In all of these cases you have to decide whats yours and whats theirs (hers), responsibility. I wouldn't have a baby here because I wouldn't want to be wakened at night, wouldn't want to provide day care doing the day. I get to choose that as it's not my baby.

But I would be very happy to help in an assisted place where she was given proper support to grow into an adult and a mother.

I would never push her to have an abortion but I would discuss it neutrally so she knew what her options were.

YABU! Her body, her baby!

GHH was spot on when she said "
I think there is an awful lot of very manipulative talk from pro-life organisations, designed to terrify and guilt-trip girls into going ahead with their unplanned PGs, by going on and on about how they will always regret the decision,..."

Tess may be able to talk some sense in DSD this evening but once DSD falls into the grip of the socio/medics tomorrow all that good work may be undone and DSD will be given assurances that continuing will be be a very realistic option.

personally I think at 14 she's not competent to make a decision that will irrevocably change not only her life but her parents, step maother and step-siblings.

Why should one 14 year old be able to call the shots for an entire household.

She's a child and should be treated as a a child.

Don't think you have buggered it up, MrsDV

Not at all. In the grand scheme of things I know I would rather have dd have a whole host of teenage pregnancies rather than lose her.

I have absolutely no problem with abortion. I have had one myself and it has left no lasting feeling of regret. However I had that abortion when i WAs in my late 20s. I would not have considered for one second aborting my daughter when I was pregnant at 17. I was having her in order to give myself some stability and love to my life because I had none. Thank god it worked out for me and dd but, frankly, it was on a knife edge. That kind of rose tinted desire for a baby to fix a broken life is NOT a good reason to have a baby.

What would I do if dd came home pregnant, refused to have an abortion? I have absolutely no idea. But I would be utterly devastataed, both for my dd, for me and for the baby.

So you would leave your baby with a 14 yr old for a week then, tinky? If not you are hypocritical-why is it good enough for her baby but not good enough for yours? I would only leave my baby with a 14 yr old if her mother was there the entire time! She can't manage alone, financially, emotionally or practically and therefore you can't say 'her body- her baby'.(If you would leave your newborn baby with a 14yr old babysitter overnight I take it all back)

tinky have you actually bothered to read any of this thread? Did you even stop to think about the OP before you posted that?

'But how on earth can you construe that this is the OP's responsibility? How exactly? The DSD was abandoned on her doorstep, the OP took her in and loved her and took care of her.'

She is married to the girl's father and brings her up. The girl has been through enough without now being treated like she deserves less support than if she was the OP's own daughter.(no suggestion in the OP that she feels like this though) She didn't 'take her in' - this is her husband's daughter.

lauriefairycake - don't overestimate the quality of care available at mother and baby units. seriously. or the other service users with whom dsd would be mixing and their respective lifestyle choices. if it was my dsd i'd rather shoulder the massive inconvinience myself than trust strangers to nurture her in to and adult/responsible mother

There is no way any teenager or any father of a teenager would be telling me when I was finished having babies that I was going to be looking after another one whether I liked it or not.

Totally agree with expat, Loudlass, Laurie, scaley

The whole "you have to support her no matter what" is the usual story of a woman being expected to sacrifice her own life and interests to other people's decisions.

If her OP's DH isn't prepared to cut his hours to look after this child he has a fucking cheek expecting his wife to do it.

'That kind of rose tinted desire for a baby to fix a broken life is NOT a good reason to have a baby.'

The worst possible. Or possibly even worse is 'to have a baby to love me'.
I think that you put the baby first. It is difficult in this case because the future mother is only a child herself. A very difficult situation.

pickygiddle - i know, i know its just we are all talking as if the pregnancy is hypothetical and not already existing. there isn't a happy compromise/ending to this. its already happened

It's not just an inconvenience to the OP! It's a life-changing shift she took serious steps to avoid herself.

Did anyone consider the first 2 years of their childrens' lives as just an inconvenience, or a life-changing event?

I do think the OP's H is being unhelpful by just telling the OP that she will be doing the childcare. It's not his decision to make.

Do any of us actually know why she wants to keep the baby? I think the idea that it was to fix a broken life was merely a suggestion and unsubstantiated. Maybe she wants to keep it because it's her baby and she doesn't want to have an abortion.

You didn't answer my question. How many more children can the DSD have (and statistically, they follow quickly if you have children at this age) that the OP is required in your mind to look after.

Because it is not reasonable for parental or step parental responsibility to continue to this extent, My daughter is intelligent and has been taught the facts of life. If she chooses to make a decision that will likely ruin the rest of her life, I cannot stop her from doing that and I absolutely would not shield her from the consequences of those actions.

I agree it should as much be down to the OP's DH to make sacrifices to accommodate the situation as it is now.

I think that she needs to take the consequences if she goes ahead.

Well yes, obviously, electra, but why would any child of 14 see that as an attractive option?

The OP's DH should be examining his savings account and calculating how much it will cost him to pay for childcare for his grandchild for at least the next four years. He cannot and should not expect Tess to provide unlimited on-tap childcare. He can PAY for a part-time nanny or a nursery place until his daughter has completed her education.

I would also be very surprised if any pregnant 14 year old could keep the father's identity a secret indefinately. I'm willing to bet Tess's DSD has already told at least one friend she is pregnant. Someone will be able to work it out, probably sooner rather than later. Even if the father is underage, he will still be liable to support the child once he is working.

I didn't answer the question because I think it's a silly question and doesn't add much to the discussion. This could well be an accident. The girl should be given the benefit of the doubt, not judged that she will end up having 10 children because of one accident - how silly.