To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

Expat Quattro describes notso as 'startlingly selfish' - that's very unfair and untrue. That's what I think she may wish to apologise for.

Yes Quattro I remember that poster from months ago. The thing is her parents are also doctors IIRC, and they had invested an awful lot in her education and had high expectations that she would follow in their footsteps. Didn't she get a place at Cambridge?

But I don't doubt for one second that they were utterly horrified and devastated when she announced she was PG, and IIRC it was too late for a termination. They are in a position to give her financial and practical support, and they have a strong vested interest in seeing her continue on the path they fully expected of her. To them, it would be the only thing to do given the circumstances she presented them with. But I'll bet there plenty of tears of frustration and anger and bewilderment shed over it.

The other thing that really pissed me off about that was that the Boyfriend was supposedly wonderfully supportive and standing by her, but not enough to stop him fucking off to America to continue his training as a lawyer, even though he could have done it here. So all the compromises had to come from her end - and mostly, in fact, from her parents. His parents on the other hand, must have been breathing a huge sigh of relief that their investment in him wasn't being unduly jeopodised.

I think that was her first lesson in the harsh realities of unplanned teenage pregancy - albeit from a very middle class perspective.

In her opinion it's startlingly selfish, No.

That is her take on it.

But Quattro is only pointing out the bald facts... and tbh I also read it as quite an entitled/selfish statement, but then saw her later post...
Poor Tess, this is just a nightmare scenario. Parenting a dsc is always hard but this is just a disaster.

I had an abortion and I was very relieved. When I look back on those days, the worst part was finding out I was pregnant and thinking how stupid I could have been to get in that position.

When I think about it now, I shudder to think what my life would be with that ex-abusive BF and my standard of living.

Not everyone who has an abortion becomes mentally depressed, contrary to the pro-lifers sites.

Just went and picked dd up from cadets and thought about poor tess and her stepdaughter the whole way.

My 14 year old dd is currently listening to her voicemail to one of her mates singing Ndubz songs to her down the phone , and giggling helplessly. Heartbreaking to think of her being pregnant at this age.

Am hoping that Tess's meal is going well.

Headless horseman - you were brave to post what you did, your post said what I wanted to say (but far more eloquently than I managed)

And gighter education is pretty much the only way to get ahead, especially these days. I cannot think of any professional career you could do with no GCSEs, A levels, diploma or degree.

She said she was selfish because there was no word of acknowledgement! That simply isn't true. An opinion based on a falsehood should be retracted and corrected.

'what about coersion of the OP?'

The OP is an adult.'

In which case she can say that she will have nothing to do with the baby; will not help and will not be coerced into doing so by either her dsd or her dh.

Coercion does not just apply to the dsd. Imo and that of others, the OP is being co-erced into giving up her life, which includes other children, to care for this baby, and she doesn't want to.

Just repeating my post from earlier, in case the OP misses it, as so many people have posted

"Lougle Mon 25-Oct-10 17:09:40

Tess, I hope it goes well.

I hope you don't mind, but I had a bit of a dig and in your area, there is The Kent Teenage Pregnancy Partnership - 01304222284 - If you phone tomorrow any time after 10am, a lady called Sarah could talk you through all the support available (whatever the decision). I literally asked 'could a mother whose child had found themselves to be pregnant at 14 phone you for advice?' and this lady said she would be more than willing.

She also said there is a newish website which is www.foryoungpeople.co.uk

I really hope you don't mind."

I am very much against abortion, but I really sympathise with your situation. YANBU to want to end the situation and somehow get on with your lives as if nothing has happened.

YABU to make DSD feel like she has no choice in the matter.

Sounds like she needs someone neutral to talk to, maybe a counciller, and to have the whole situation spelt out to her so SHE can make an informed decision.

Many girls who have babies in their teens go on to make a success of their lives, and be great parents, if they have support. And by support I mean the emotional sort, not taking on all the responsibility yourself.

Do you know who I feel most sorry for? The OP. Not her DSD. Her dsd has obviously decided (like I did) that she is grown-up enough to have a baby. In which case, she MUST be treated like a grown-up, and MADE to understand the full implications of what effects her choice will have. On both her (dsd's) life, the OP's life, and the lives of her siblings.

I feel sorry for the OP as she is faced with what is basically amounting to a very stark choice - accept that she (OP) will be doing most of the childcare for a child that she has not chosen to have, and beggining to feel resentful of both her dsd and her DH for pushing this on her, thus probably irreparably damaging her marriage (thus also impacting on her other dc), OR to say that she will not do any of the childcare, thus ignoring her dh's wishes...thus he begins to feel resentful of her, and probably damaging her marriage. .

I fail to see what is wrong with a mother and baby unit, it was the best thing my mum ever did for me and my DD, making us move out, saying DD was MY responsibility.

Either way, this is easier for the OP's dsd to mentally cope with than it is for the OP. The OP's dsd holds all the choices in this situation, and by the looks of it, her dad (OP's DH) is so busy trying to 'make up for' his DD's crap mother, that his DD (OP's dsd) knows full well that he will go along with whatever SHE decides. Where are the OP's choices?

OP - please let us know how your conversation with her goes. And please, for now, get her to take folic acid - just as much as being over 35 comes with an increased risk of DS, so does being under 16yo at conception. V.V. important.

And it may be worth getting across to your DD that it is possible, no matter how young you are, to have a dc with SN. And if coping with an NT dc is difficult at 14/15/16, coping with an SN dc is a whole other ball game...

And to the person who thinks that it may be coercion into an abortion to tell your dc that they will have to leave and care for the dc themselves...errr, no! I knew that myself from the age of about 12yo. Didn't coerce me into having an abortion when I was 15 - I wanted to keep my DD THAT much. I didn't realise the reality of a baby, but I doubt it would have made any difference, (Bad childhood). I just factored into my decision the fact that I would not be living at home, and my mum would not be providing childcare, and it was up to me to deal with that. My DD has been told the same.

It is selfish anyway IMO, she is a grown woman and should be looking after her own baby.

Really feel for OP and for DSD- can't even think what to suggest, what a mess.

electra you were the one who said it is possibly (but not easy) to continue her education! I know HE is not the only route to a good career, but frankly, it is the usual one.

And re: coersion 'OP is an adult' what on earth does that have to do with anything? This child wants to make a very adult choice.
She's either treated as a child, in which case a parent had the right to chose on her behalf what is best for her - or she's is treated as an adult, which means she should not be sheltered from some of the unpleasant truths of life.

Missed off everything I was thinking- I meant poster who gets to go to uni and whose parents look after her child.

My best mate ''wanted'' to have her abortion as she was only 16 and the dad was a twat but it messed her up big time.

However, another friend had an abortion and was relieved.It really does depend.

I wanted dd but I woul;d have resented it if I was younger. I still miss my carefree days. On the other hand, if I'd had a baby at 14 I might not have got into raves, alchohol and unsuitable men. If she keeps her baby it could be the making of her; No-it will have to be.

Liek I said before; put your foot down and say what you really feel. You love her but you think she will create a lot of disruption if she has her baby and you will do nada in the way of bringing the child up. You will be granny however. Are you frightened that you will fall in love with the baby? You will anyway.

headshorsemangivessomething - yes i can see your point.

centroquattro - jeez! read the posts properly!

Sorry- not helpful and overly emotive comment.

'And re: coersion 'OP is an adult' what on earth does that have to do with anything? This child wants to make a very adult choice.
She's either treated as a child, in which case a parent had the right to chose on her behalf what is best for her - or she's is treated as an adult, which means she should not be sheltered from some of the unpleasant truths of life.'

It has to do with the OP having a responsibility for her needs to come second, as unfair as that may seem. Because her dsd is a child. Obviously adults do make decisions for their children, I agree with you there. But this is different - that's why law on abortion is complex.

I don't agree about HE but I suppose everyone is going to differ on that according to experience. I have a few friends who had a handful of GCSEs but started their own businesses and do very well. I was really talking about the girl finishing her GCSEs to start with. Anyway for all we know, she could actually be very academic. But it does annoy me when education choices are misrepresented as they were at my school (go to university or you'll be stacking shelves).

I do think it is a little naive to think babies/children are not resented once they are here

Children are resented and are often scapegoated with all the hidden anger and disappointment it is believed they are the cause of.

Unwanted children are sometimes unloved, bloody hell even wanted children can be unloved.

This baby may not bring the dsd the unconditional love she may be craving or at least not in the way she imagines. If this pregnancy has anything to do with her birth mother she needs extensive counselling.

What a difficult and painful situation for all involved.

'It has to do with the OP having a responsibility for her needs to come second, as unfair as that may seem. Because her dsd is a child.'

A child who makes an adult decision to have a child therefore has the adult responsibility and consequence to provide the care for it if the parent is unable, for whatever reason, to do so.

The OP, having chosen to end her fertility, made the decision to not bring up another child. Her 'need' not to was obviously very great. She did the responsible thing by making sure she would not procreate again and has stated that, should both her and her spouse's sterilisation fail, she would terminate.

Bring up a child to her is not just against her needs, but against her very will in life.

She has a right to that same as any human being.

I think there is an awful lot of very manipulative talk from pro-life organisations, designed to terrify and guilt-trip girls into going ahead with their unplanned PGs, by going on and on about how they will always regret the decision, they'll have mental health issues, they'll never get over the guilt, they've grieve for a dead baby they lost etc etc. It's a very cynical ploy Now that, IMHO, is coersion.

All that talk is designed to make the girl identify very early on with HER BABY. That is cruel. For any number of reasons it may be completely the wrong choice for her to go ahead, but she will end up believing she's going the child a favour by having it, rather than condemning it, and herself to a probable life of disadvantage. Contrary to popular opinion, 'All you need is love' is a load of bollocks.

I want to say something but I dont want it taken the wrong way. I am saying it because I genuinly want to try and help.

All this must seem like a total nightmare and I feel so awful for everyone involved. Its a conversation I have had with my eldest boy many times.

But I want to say this. As much as many of you will be looking at your teenage girls and think 'My God I would die if you got pregnant', I am thinking that I wouldnt give a toss if I could have my 14 year old DD back. She was 14 wheb she died.

I am not saying this because I want to hijack the thread and gain sympathy. Honestly. Its because what is happening to the OP and her family is very very hard but its not the end of the world and it CAN be ok. It CAN be sorted with lots of love and understanding.

The OP's life is not ruined and nor is her DSD although I know it must seem like this.

We found ourselves parents again unexpectedly when OH's teenage niece had her child removed. It was a shock and it certainly had a huge impact on us but 7 years on we wouldnt be without him.

Please dont think I am telling you [OP] to just count your blessings. It may seem that way but I am not trying to do that. Damn I have buggered this up a bit but I hope you understand.

i dont think the op can be coerced because she can choose not to be involved. the dsd has to make a decision either way and isnce she has already expressed desire to keep the baby then giving it up will happen because she has been talked out of it. i appreciate htat the reasons that op wants to talk her out of it are reasonable and valid but it is still heavily influcencing her decision.

"Electra" you say that you 'do not agree the situation is not the OP's responsibility but that's where we differ I guess'

But how on earth can you construe that this is the OP's responsibility? How exactly? The DSD was abandoned on her doorstep, the OP took her in and loved her and took care of her. And now the OP is expected to do the same for her baby? Where exactly does her responsibility end, in your view? Can the DSD have ten children and expect the OP to bring them up?

I think that DSD badly needs a counsellor to talk her through the options and the emotions etc. OP isn't the right person to do it-she doesn't want to be in the position of having forced the abortion.
14YR olds can make good mothers and successful mothers but unfortunately they need a lot of support -and this really means parents. A good education is vital and they need good, reliable childcare. I feel very sorry for OP. As a woman, you decide how many DCs you want, and can manage, so it is a horrible situation to be forced into one that you didn't want.
A 14 yr old also has no idea what being a parent means. There are posters on MN who won't let a 14yr old do a train journey alone, who won't let them cook a meal when they are alone in the house-there are even some posters that wouldn't leave a 14yr old alone in the house! Most MNetters
wouldn't allow a 14 yr old babysit their own DC -and I certainly don't think that many would leave them for a night with a newborn baby- and yet suddenly it is perfectly OK to be a mother!
It seems very hypocritical to say this 14yr old can't have my baby, to babysit, for even an evening, but it is good enough situation for her own baby! She will need a supportive parent.
I think that it is in her best interests to have an abortion, but I don't think that you can manipulate this. I would get whole family advice as a matter of urgency.