To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

well maybe only one more, centoquattro, because by then she will be 16. then her parents can write a letter to the housing office stating that they will no longer accomodate her, which will entitle her to social housing.

Bravo, Quattro. I'm bringing up my daughter to understand this as best as she can.

It isn't fair in the least because I expect Tess knows that once the baby is there she will love it and help. If DH were to pay for a nanny etc this is still money that would have been used for other things. It is all emotional blackmail and a woman who doesn't want a baby is being forced to care for one.

I wasn't judging that the DSD would have 10 children. I was testing how far you believed that parents should be bound in servitude to their children.

And there are mother and baby units that accommodate underage girls, faketan. The DSD could go to one. But apparently the OP is being expected to care for both DSD and her baby/babies until the world ends.

What an awful situation and I feel for you op I truly do.

My elder sister got pg at 18 and although a different circumstance I effectively lost my mum (I was 9) for the early years as she was so busy with helping out with the baby. She really was the second mum to him as my sister just couldn't make it work. It doesn't always work out perfectly even with support.

What strikes me as odd here is her silence about the father. I truly feel it is essential to find out who he is as it will unlock the key to all of this and he may be willing to help and have a supportive family. I feel she is being ver immature( she is 14!) in refusing to talk about it further, which is of course telling about her ability to cope with this. The comment about feeding it before and after school is also indicative of her grasp on the reality of a newborn.

So many issues. Your dh attitude is worrying, he feels you should just get on with raising this baby in your spare time. Really shocking that he could simplify it so much.
This all pivots on you and it isn't fair. Please make it clear that you are not raising this child. We all know this is not just a bit of babysitting, you are being set up as the primary carer and it's really not on.

I too agree that it seems that Tess is having to bear the burden of the responsibility of the practicality of her DSD's baby alone, with little support from her husband. If her dH was fully supportive and they were both singing of the same hymn sheet it wouldn't be so daunting for her.

This is a shitty situation isn't it.

At least this girl has choices. The boy doesn't! The first he could know of this is when he gets a letter demanding a DNA sample and a bill every month for the rest of his life. And chances are he's only a child as well.

God, what a mess.

She wouldnt be allowed to sign a tenancy agreement until she was 18. Mother and baby units are not particularly nice places to be and local authorities are loathe to refer because a placement cots thousands per week.

DSD's housing options are v.limited. I think the best she could hope for is supported housing but availability varies widely from area to area.

She is just so young. If OP and he OH decided to say they had kicked her out she would probably end up in a foster placement. If she was lucky enough to be in an area that had enough of these kind of arrangements. Not all f.c will foster pg teens because its such a complex situation.

I really feel for this family. Its an awful situation. I hope something can be sorted.

I am finding it , well odd, that there are so many posters that (a) know someone who had a child young and went on to further education and jobs that they wanted. (B) That there are so few posters that have had abortions and that?s it.
Just got on with their lives.
As it happens I?m pro-life, well for me I am, I would never force my views on someone else. There have to be women/ MNers that have had abortions and if when they think of it, the procedure that is, it is with relief.
I worked in a mainly female environment for nearly 2 decades and knew several women that made the decision and that was it, no brow beating or self flagellation.

Anyway for me the big issue here is your DH?s attitude, is as immature as your DSD is being at least she has her age and hormones to blame he doesn?t. The assumption that you will take on this child and that that is all there is to it is so wrong and him shouting the odds and saying that you have 'more than enough time' to take care of the baby? says to me either
(1) he has totally forgotten how much work a baby is
(2) secretly wants another baby
(3) or feels desperately guilty that he has somehow failed his daughter

I think you are in a real rock vs. hard place situation here, and that DH flying off the handle has pushed you in to the calm reasonable role.
And for that YANBU

I hope The Talk is going well.

One thing that has struck me, and I apologise if it's way off, is I wonder was this planned. She is refusing to tell who the father is, she is vague about how when conception happened. Coupled with her issues about her birth mother and how that can lead to longing for a child of her own, do you think it's possible that she was having a regular sex life with different partners? If so there's more to deal with than the immediate pg. And probably best to leave his identity on the backburner for now.

Your husband is probably in shock, I think for now you should not put too much weight on his remarks. They may well not be a refection of his real attitudes and when he has a bit more time he'll regain a bit of sense. Hopefully.

It's such a difficult situation, I do feel for you, Tess.

I think tackling the DH is the first order of business and I suspect some of this has been brewing since the DSD first moved in.

Tess - show DSD a birthing video. I remember watching one in a sex-ed class that put me off having kids for years.

Also think letting her look after a baby for a day and night would be great for her - make sure she does everything she'd have to do in a normal day too - i.e. finding the time to do homework, take a shower, wash clothes, prepare feeds, etc.

If you don't know anyone with a baby, sit down with her and write down exactly what a baby entails, step-by-step, hour by hour, so she gets an idea of how relentless it is.

YANBU

Yes and relentless is the right word.

Seriously, you know what it is like trying to persuade a fourteen year old to get up before midday and bring the enormous dirty mug collection out of their bedroom. They can't prioritise or organise themselves for toffee - it would be almost impossible to stand by and watch a car crash of practical parenting going on around you and not intervene, no matter how determined you were to leave her to it. If you think of all the things OP probably does for her teenager already beacuse she gets sick of the sound of her own voice nagging and it's easier to just do it herself. (if she's anything like me!) What will it be like then?

The big question is, are you willing to sacrifice your life and your dreams to further your DSD's? Because that is what your DH is asking you to do (totally unreasonably IMVHO). If not, you need to tell your DSD what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do - it is not fair to expect her to make such a big decision on the assumption that you will do a lot of the babycare and then pull the rug out from under her feet after it's born. That isn't pressurising her (as some posters implied above), it's just being straight with her. She needs to know what her actual options are.

She needs to spend sometime around newborns and little babies to understand what her life is going to be like. Is there anyway this could be arranged.The DSD needs to test out the reality.BIG STYLE

I disagree newborns are beautiful, all curled up asleep for 22 hours a day.
What she needs is a manky crying toddler head to toe in shite, rice krispies and ketchup wanting a kiss with a snotty nose, now that tests even a mothers love !

She should come to my house 10,8,5 and 1

TESS it seems to me that your issue isnt really the fact that your dsd is pg at 14 ...but more that your DH has decided for your that you will do the childcare for the baby so dsd can continue her running wild education.
The real problem is your inability to tell your dh to go fuck himself respect you as a person , who has a brain and an opinion of her own.
The fact you want dsd to have an abortion is your way of avoiding the issue that your dh is a cunt who thinks you will jump to his every command.

TELL YOUR DSD that you will not be providing childcare for her regarless of what dh has said and tell him to speak for himself and not for you in future.

If all else fails theres always divorce , which is damb more expensive that paying for a nursery place for a newborn btw .

I also agree about knowing plenty of women who've had abortions and never looked back, I'm afraid I had one at 21, the moment I realised the father didn't care for me and it I got rid, no way was I going to sacrifice my chance of a happy family life for all the custody maintenance shit for somebody who didn't even love us in the first place.
Having subsequently gone through it anyway at least the man was somebody I respected and cared for once.
And my other children definitely would not be here today if I'd had that baby as I wouldn't have been able to travel abroad to meet their father.
I know other family members for whom the timing wasn't right and they went on to have babies with the same man when it was. Happy endings alround.

The thing about all these tests people are suggesting is that most people go into parenthood at the very least with rose-tinted specs on, and quite a few of them utterly deluded about what it's going to be like. The difference between an adult doing this and a child is that most adult have resources: mental, emotional, physical and material, to cope with the very real challenges that a new baby throws at you. imo a vanishingly small number of 14 yo (and I've never met one despite having three teenagers myself) would have anything like the resources necessary. You need to build up resources over the course of your teenage years and your early adulthood.

The issue here and now is of damage-limitation: how best to resolve this awful situation without damaging OP's DSD more that is strictly necessary in the circumstances. It seems that DSD has endured a very complex set of circumstances that have led her to be in this situation. There is nothing that the OP could blame herself for - the chances are that the little girl suffered the emotional damage that contributed to pregnancy happened before the age of 9. I think someone already mentioned this.

It may be that the best thing for this child is a termination, it may be better for her to keep this baby. Ultimately she has to decide that- nobody is going to force her to have an abortion. I think that coercion of any kind would be counterproductive, but I also think that at 14 she cannot possibly have considered all the implications of this. Unfortunately she probably does not have time to have a full counselling/therapy session and decide to terminate within legal limits. Either OP and her DH coerce her to a certain extent into a termination and risk ruining her life, or they make it possible for her to keep the baby and risk ruining her life. Neither option is going to be easy- the only option I feel is to go with the solution that is least damaging to this child. Only the DSD can truly decide that in consultation with her family. Personally I can see why in her circs (being abandoned by her own birth mother) why having a baby may seem a logical move.

One last thought OP- is there any chance you could track down her birth mother and ask her to come back to the UK for a war cabinet? Maybe she would have strong feelings about her daughter's pregnancy that the child will listen to. That may be a totally stupid idea, so please forgive me and ignore it if it is.

I honestly think that this s a non argument- the girl has said she doesn't want to get rid of her baby. That should be respected 100%. I agree that it's not up to teas to raise this child but it's not upto her to decide it's future either.