To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

Brolly I agree with Giddy - there are unavoidable changes of circumstance, and there are poor short-sighted choices that impact on others. Two very different scenarios.

Getorf I love you I do.

I worried all through writing that lot about how you would feel when you read it. The last thing I would want to do is offend you, and I almost didn't post it. But sometimes things need to be said. I expected you to slate me, and I adopting the brace position. I'm glad that as the voice of experience in these things you can see my argument for what it is - which is genuine concern for the girl's ultimate wellbeing. Your daughter is a very lucky girl.

I also wanted to say exactly the same as you about the mother not being in her life, and how she may have subconciously wished herself pregnant. If that's the case, she is confused and vulnerable and lacking in self-esteem, and sometimes, very sadly, the greater a girl's need for a baby, the less she is emotionally equipped to deal with it. She may need some family counselling right now - not a child to heal her pain.

wotnochocs I can assure you that my attitude would be no different (except possibly more hardline) if the girl in question were my own flesh and blood rather than a step-child.

As a parent I do not shirk the unpleasant task of sometimes being unpopular in the short-term for the good of my children in the long term. You can only do what feels right in your heart for your child, and going ahead with this could never feel right to me. Of course as everyone has pointed out, it's not about force. Just about brutal honesty. After that the choice is hers.

And for me, once the choice was made, and the baby was there, I know I'd bend over backwards to support her emotionally, and I couldn't kick her out, or see them go without. I'd babysit occasionally and help out like any good granny, but I wouldn't for one moment step into the breach so she could continue to behave like the child she is.

And I would say 'I told you so' when the going gets tough. Though I'd be praying I never had to.

Exactly, maryz.

I concur, Quattro. But of course, you probably already surmised that :).

Yes but it is possible for the OP's dsd to continue her education and bring up her baby - it may not be easy but is possible. And she will have plenty of time to complete her studies.

i think there are some duty of care issues here. what about dh and his duty of care toward dsd?
also if the op wants dsd in social housing at 16 she will need to kick her out otherwise the expectation is that young parents will remain with family

Electra, I googled the psychological impact of having an abortion. This is what I found and it suggests that relief is the overwhelming feeling.

So well, y'know I think you are coming from a background of having an abortion and regretting it.

I have never had an abortion and nor was I pregnant as a teenager. I'm not bringing preconceptions to this thread. It's just that I can see that having this baby is more likely than not to be damaging to the DSD and highly likely to be damaging to the OP.

If the DSD is keen to have the baby then that of course is her choice. All I'd like to see is the OP protected in all this. Not her fault, and not her problem (unless she takes ownership of it, which she will likely regret).

it also strikes me that if DSD was so sure she wanted the baby, she would be defending her choice rather than clamming up when other possibilities are discussed - she isn't discussing it because she doesn't want to be persuaded - her silence admits to doubt - she can be persuaded, there is doubt in her mind, and that is why she doesn't want to hear about it.

Do you have the statistics for how many girls actually manage to stay in full time education and go onto higher education without a hiatus when they have a baby under 16, electra?

We all know how hard just being a mother is, and how hard the pressure of GSCEs and A levels or degrees are, let doing it all simultaneously.

this is just my opinion, but the withdrawl of all support is coercive. or in black and white, force dsd to have the abortion by making keeping the baby seem impossible

Well I think this situation sucks for all involved but as op is only happy with option 1,2 or 3 and DH and DSD want option 4 the op is asking two people to go against their wishes for her.

Which is somehow ok but not ok for dd to keep the baby and live in the house as both dd and dh wish because the op will be guilted into childminding.

Fuck talking to DSD talk to DH explain you are happy to support his and DSD wishes but you will not lift a finger to help with childcare not so much as a nappy change. If DH will not go for this then he is the problem not DSD. Make your intentions clear then let DSD make her choice if they try to guilt you into it leave ( what you are effectively asking DSD to do if she does not respect your wishes)

well, also, i have had an abortion, and i am very glad that i did.

if i might pick put a good bit from that link quattro

"The incidence of diagnosed psychiatric illness and hospitalization is considerably lower following abortion than following childbirth"

I think we are all agreed that it is not possible to force this girl to have an abortion and I am quite certain that the op has no intention of attempting that.

Giveshead is not the only person on this thread to have said that op must spell it all out to her dsd, warts and all, about how hard it will be to have a baby at 14 without her (the op's) help and support.

That is not trying to trick or persuade the girl into having an abortion. It is simply being honest with her and stating the bald facts.

I disagree that op has to support this girl no matter what. It does not mean you are a bad parent if you cannot or will not take on board the fallout from some of your dc choices.

Option 5 is for OP to take her DSs, move out and leave DH and DSD to it.

But suntangirl without support it is pretty much impossible, or at least hellishly difficult and demoralising. But that support has to come from someone who genuinely wants to give it. I don't see why the OP should pretend to be happy about how her life will be impacted, just to save the feeling sof the girl. She is being emotionally blackmailed into giving support. Never mind coersion of the girl, what about coersion of the OP?

If the situation seems impossible to the girl without parental support and lots and lots of practical and financial help (because she has no experience of even fending for herself, never mind for another human being) then she's getting a flavour
of what the harsh reality of parenthood is all about. That should be proof enough to her that this is not the right time for her to have a baby.

There was an interesting post lower down the thread, about someone who had successfully continued their education after having a baby as a teenager. The poster in question was reading medicine at a good university

But whilst I was glad to see that lives could continue well, I did note that this was ONLY possible due to her parents caring for the baby. And that's the best outcome of having a baby. The teenager gets to carry on with her life but only if the grandparents carry the load. I noted there was not a word of acknowledgement to them. Startlingly selfish

So I think the OP has an absolute right to decide whether or not she wants to care for a baby. In preserving choices for the teenager, we absolutely should not allow the rights of grandparents to be trampled over or in fact removed entirely.

Tell her you love her, that things will be difficult now whatever path she chooses, but you want to offer her your support.

At the same time, it is fine to tell her that if she has the baby, she'll be the mother, not you.

But please tell her the first part first. And then go talk to people who deal with this sort of thing about the practicalities.

Quattro - that is hugely unfair to notsoacademicallyetc. Look at her post of 20.55. (And consider an apology)

No one has mentioned giving the baby up for adoption - is this even a possibility? She doesn't seem to be mature enough to have a rational conversation about what her options are.

Quattro - that link is from a pro-choice website so hardly unbiased (as indeed stuff on a pro-life website would not be).

Yes, I agree that some women do feel relieved. Those women were the ones who wanted an abortion. I have friends in this category.

The dsd does not want an abortion.

I do not agree the situation is not the OP's responsibility but that's where we differ I guess.

But it's true. If the grandparents weren't there to take the child much of the time, the academic pursuits would most likely not be possible, or far less likely.

Why apologise for having an opinion?

Poor Tess. Hope her meal is going well.

I haven't seen any evidence that the daughter isn't mature enough to discuss her options? She's upset but this is an upsetting situation. Contrary to what some posters seem to believe, her wanting to consider keeping her baby is NOT evidence of stupidity, gross selfishness or immaturity.

Headlesshorseman - higher education is not the only route to a decent career.

'what about coersion of the OP?'

The OP is an adult.