To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

Although I don't believe that dsd should be forced into an abortion I do believe that if she chooses to go through with the pregnancy then it's up to her to raise her child herself. If that means no more education after GCSEs and getting a minimum wage job (when she's entitled to minimum wage) then so be it.

If she can continue in education and find childcare for her child than great. If she can't than she needs to accept the consequences.

Also, the friends I made at the 'young mums group' are now doing A LOT more of their own childcare now, some were only 14/15 and they are now 16/17, the pendulum has definitely swung to them being the majority carers!

Also, Expat, I would say them same thing to anyone who was relaying horror stories about a slightly related ailment to a patient of mine. You made a valid point but it only needed saying once.

Expat - those of us who find ourselves on the stately homes threads were sometimes supposedly very much 'wanted' children at the outset.

The thing is that I really do sympathise for the position the OP is in. It's very difficult for all concerned.

But it comes down to this; in life, unless we chose to stay single, have no children and can therefore live our lives exactly as we wish (and I know people like this), we have to accept that other people's (ie our family's!) choices and problems are going to have an impact on our lives - sometimes one that we don't want and didn't plan for. Let's face it, it is a huge compromise even living with a DP/DH. We may find ourselves in the position of having to support an alcoholic husband, look after a sick or disabled relative, etc, etc, etc.....

It sounds as if the OP's dsd is very sure she wants to keep the baby and it would therefore be very, very wrong to use any kind of manipulation to make her change her mind, when she is a 14 year old who is incapable of giving adult responses to adult questions and defending her position.

That is your opinion, not.

I can say it as much as I want, when I want.

The OP is not a patient and not ailing.

It's not a horror story, either. It's sharing an experience and in no way did I say that would happen to the OP or even imply it.

Carry on scolding, however.

I agree, electra, it would be wrong for the OP to manipulate her.

It would not be wrong, however, IMO, for the OP to make it very clear she will not be providing childcare for the baby.

Electra - do you really believe that any woman should be obliged by decisions made by an unfortunate adolescent to raise a child that she didn't want? Do you really? In the full knowledge that having a child so young is HIGHLY likely to lead to immensely damaged and a compromised life for the adolescent henceforth.

Because that is very unfair on the OP and unfair to all mothers of daughters

Yes, I agree with that.

elastghoul, it's SO SO hard, believe me, but I wouldn't change it for the world! Not many people at uni know about DD, not on purpose, just you'd be amazed at how infrequently the chance to mention her without sounding all 'look at me!' comes up!

Resigned myself to feeling permanently knackered for the foreseeable future though!

It is similarly wrong for the OP's spouse to expect her to provide childcare round her work commitments.

Hence, the OP must have a discussion, preferably with a counsellor, about her feelings.

I agree, Quattro.

That was to expat.

Quattro - what I believe is that the OP shouldn't try to manipulate her dsd and should support her to be able to raise her own child as she has chosen to do (not to be its mother though - it is possible to do one without the other imo!).

Why do you think that having the child will be damaging but having an unwanted abortion will not?

OP; you have to make it ABSOLUTELY clear to everyone that you will not be chipping in with exceesive amounts of childcare.

It's an awful position to be in and it has certainly rocked the boat. It is a text of your relationship with your dh. Do you want to be with a man who expects you do do all of the donkey work?

YANBU for her to want to have the abortion but as someone who has had pressure put on her to have an abortion (and refused) I would say; don't do it.

Just categorically state that you are not going to help at all. Then move out if you are met with resistance. I would feel devastated if this situation threatened my relationship but she is his teenage daughter and if it wasn't for this issue there would be other; albiet less dramatic tests. She was abandoned by her mum. the poor girl is scarred. You were brave enough to take that on but this is one of the consequences sadly.
I would be fuming with the bastard who knocked her up though.

Stating that you are not going to help is not manipulative. It's a fact. She needs to be aware of this. You are being guilt-tripped for sure.

why dont you find a family with a newborn that would be kind enough to let her stay a night and day to help. Or somekind of scenario like this to give her a clear picture of what it will take, and the slack you are not willing to pick up? I would also look into realistic parenting classes.

The statistics are all out there arguing against having teenage babies, Electra. Massive likelihood of low academic attainment, benefit dependency, low levels of productivity.

Whereas an abortion may or may not have a lasting effect. It depends upon the person. For most people, I don't think it does have a lasting effect but I've not seen any statistics so am relying on personal experience - which is not the best index

For sure if the DSD does have the baby, the one person who will certainly suffer is the OP.

No, I'm not talking about how much help is offered PSM - I'm referring to other suggestions further up the thread that the OP should break down in tears and take her dsd to the most revolting areas of the city and brow beat her into thinking her life is over if she keeps the baby and other demonstrations of propaganda. That would be morally indefensible imo. However it is fair enough for her to say that she is not prepared to bring the child up as her own.

I had an abortion when I was a student. I had it as late as I could given that there was no mental health issue on my part and no problems with the baby (as far as was known at that stage). It took a long time as firstly I was abroad when I found out I was pregnant and needed to finish off my placement before I could come home - a matter of weeks. But also because I needed my boyfriend to say that it was OK for us to go ahead and have the baby before I would even consider not having it. I know that makes little sense but it was so important to me at the time that it wasn't my sole decision. I think I was somehow worried that he wouldn't support me in my decision or would blame me in the future - I don't really understand, but it was the most important thing to me at the time. And I have never told him I needed him to say that. Give her space, but let her know that you are there for her. She will make her decision and it will be the right decision for her as long as she doesn't feel pressured either way.

For a long time I worried that I would go to hell for what I did (actually go to hell and I'm not even vaguely religious...) and later that I wouldn't be able to have children - and I knew I did want children at some point in the future, so there was a lot of guilt. But I now have a ten month old little girl who we both adore and who is perfect in every way.

The boyfriend from back then is now my husband and my dd's father and I was 20 or so, not 14, so I realise it's a different situation, but I wanted to share my experience.

On a side note - I still haven't told my mother. I never plucked up the courage, although both of my sisters know.

Totally agree with that post, Quattrocento.

'For most people, I don't think it does have a lasting effect'

What an inaccurate, sweeping statement. I would argue that women who are pressurised into an abortion most certainly often do experience lasting effects which hinder their lives as adults, never mind as children.

I have been to abortion counseling myself. The practitioner advised me that 'if you are not 100% sure this is what you want, think again'.

I think that if a 14 year old has a child and also has a family who encourages her will not necessarily become reliant on benefits, etc - it sounds as if you have a stereotype in your mind......

i think abortion is a reasonable option if the choice is made 100% by the woman having it. i think a co erced abortion is something much darker

Agreed, sungirltan

what can i add...

i think the best way to get through to DSD is lots of no-pressure conversation - if that is possible. if she can go to someone else for that, it may be esier - or if you could bring home to her in some way what she is giving up.

i'm 32 and i still resent giving up my 'childhood' to have kids - the massive change in how my life has to operate now and forever - there is no going back from becoming a mother - not ever. abortion is hardly a good thing, but it may be a better thing...

• is there any way you can talk to her about your own experiences, to get to her by being her friend?

I am beginning to wonder how many teenage girls who choose to keep their accidental pregnancies are genuinely and unjudgementally supported by their families. I do not mean supported as in their mum does all the childcare while they go to school, but supported emotionally to parent their own baby. If not many really are and their parents are actually thinking they made the wrong decision and resenting the disruption caused to their own life, let alone chucking them out to a foster carer or mother and baby unit or whatever the council will provide, then perhaps it's no wonder the stats show they fare so badly .

So let's define coercion, shall we? Because we all agree that coercion is bad.

Is it co-ercive to say that your life will change utterly if you have the baby? You will be moving out of the house to live in a mother and baby unit and the likelihood of any career or even tertiary education is vanishingly small? Is that coercive? Because it isn't for my money. It's spelling out clearly and plainly that actions have consequences.