To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

Oh dear. Poor you OP. What an utterly hideous situation to be in. You have my every sympathy.

There is so much good advice on this thread, I am on the side of the pragmatic and harsh, to be honest. However, I do have deep deep empathy with your DSD.

I think perhaps her whole ideas and skewed because of her mother buggering off years ago. No matter how lovely you have been to her, she has had to face up to the fact that she was completely rejected and thrown away like a piece of rubbish by her own mother.

It is possible that she deliberately (almost without knowing it) got pregnant, in order to have something of her own to love, and a baby who would love her most in the world, and to recreate that love which she has lost from her mother. That's what I did. My mother didn't raise me, I had a rotten childhood, having my daughter (albeit young) was a hard headed decision which I made. However I was 17 when I had her, only three years older but light years away in terms of how it impacted my life.

I would say that abortion would be the best thing for your DSD - however it may well be that she wouldn't be able to consider it, it may well be completely anathema for her to consider getting rid of it. She is probablt looking at life through rose tinted glasses.

My daughter is now 14, I never have regretted for a moment having her, she has been the light of my life, however it was SO bloody hard practically. That said, I raised her on my own, having her did NOT impact on anyone else, which is the hideously difficult aspect of the situation you are in. I have said since dd was able to understand that she will go to school, go to uni/whatever, and if she gets pregnant at a young age she will have an abortion, she is not to go through that same as I did. I think I am justified in saying that, my dd has had a completely different upbringing than I have, there is no need for her to have a baby because she has nobody else to love, or who loves her. It would truly be a nightmare for me if DD got pregnant and wanted to keep it.

I do agree that it would be an impossubkle thing to send your DSD to a mother and baby hostel, no matter how (in a practical sense) I agree with the sentiment.

Oh god I have nothing useful to say. I feel so sorry for you OP because if she does have the baby it will impact on your whole life. I don't know what to advise. I just hope to god that she changes her mind and wants an abortion. Such young motherhood should never be encouraged.

Whatever the practicalities of the situation may be, you cannot rationalise away a person's feelings about something. Of course it is not ideal for her to be having a baby at 14, but the fall out from having an unwanted termination can be very damaging and can ruin people's lives unless it is 100% what they absolutely want. You can point out all the pitfalls, which I agree exist but that will not change what a person feels deep down is the correct thing to do.

I also think that if the girl's dad has made it clear he wants to support her in her decision the OP needs to consider the affect this could have on her marriage if her view goes against this and ultimately causes some kind of fall out.

Well said, Giddy!

I agree.

Scared, she's not being guilt-tripped into 'a few hours of babysitting', she's being expected by her husband and SD to bring up this kid for significant periods of time and to even structure and/or work round the childcare.

She didn't want more children, so she took steps to make sure she didn't have them.

Now, she's being manipulated and told that she's required to take on a major portion of care for a child she doesn't want.

For who knows how long.

Not on.

To be brutally honest I think it would be best to go through life having a feeling of regret for an abortion she had when 14, rather than having a baby and (possibly) the whole familt resenting the baby's existence.

I have just read headless's post, and I agree with every word.

And I say that as a teenage mother who would NEVER recommend what I did to anybody.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect a 14 year old to bear the consequences of their actions in the way that adults are expected to. Therefore it is down to the parent(s) to help children through difficult times and to deal with consequences they may not want for themselves or their child. It may be inconvenient but it comes with the territory imo.

I very much doubt the OP would be posting like this if it were her own daughter and her own grandchild she wanted killing

I am very shocked at the way people are portraying abortion as being a normal and natural option rather than a very unnatural invasive operation which can, and often does emotionally scar women for life.Not to mention the prospect of killing your own child.

wornochocs.

I think your post is absurd. It is not killing your own child. Please do not try to disrail the thread into an anti abortion debate, this is not the place, and NOT helpful to the OP whatsoever.

I don't think many families resent a baby's existence once it is born. I cannot believe the OP's children would - children are very accepting and would probably love the baby as part of their family.

I don't think guilted is approproate, no, but she does need to know the cold hard truth of whatt he future will hold if she does carry on with the pregnancy. Yes this is harsh for a vulnerable 14 year old, but no harsher than the reality and responsibility of looking after a baby.

you have to respect her decision. Its easy enough for you to tell her to have an abortion but the emotional upset could be with her for a life time. I'd hate anyone to corner me into having an abortion.

'I don't think many families resent a baby's existence once it is born. '

Plenty of people on here whose families resented them and told them as much.

Often.

The Stately Homes threads for starters.

Brollyflower, I do agree with you that nobody should be forced/pressured/guilt tripped into having an abortion.

I'm just saying that saying no isn't as easy as it sounds.

What concerns me most atm is the op's dh's attitude. His expectation that she will provide childcare and his reaction when she suggested that he should provide the support.

If the op does end up providing the majority of the childcare chances are she will end up feeling resentful which will have an effect on her marriage. (If it was me in her position and I ended up providing childcare the feelings of resentment would seriously affect my marriage but maybe the op is a better person than I am.) If she refuses then it could affect her marriage negatively anyway. Either way there are two other children, as well as dsd and baby, who would be affected, either by a divorce or parents in an unhappy marriage

Feel really sorry for you OP.

A friend of mine's daughter had a baby at 15 last year. She is back in full time education and my friend is now bringing up the child with a little help from her daughter.

Friend didnt find out daughter was pregnant until fairly late so termination wasnt an option. It has been incredibly hard on the family, my friend is late 40's and youngest is nearly in secondary school. She is back doing night and day baby care so her daughter can at least get an education.

Daughter was quite traumatised by the pregnancy and birth, but wanted to keep the baby and has bonded with baby and is happy now, but grandmother is doing all the work and just looks tired. She puts on a brave face but privately admits it is wearing her down and she cant see any respite for several years.

I would also like to add that I am currently in a position where I may face a termination dilema again and even though not terminmating is quite likely to rip my family apart my mother who forced the termination said that after seeing the pain I went through last time thinks I should not, and deal with the consequences and that she is sorry she forced that it is her one big regret and if my sister were to face the same question she would support her decision.

I was 18, it was assumed by my parents that I would be having an abortion, mum's response was 'oh darling, it'll be hard but you'll get over and no-one need know' Now DD is here she's doted on and they are amazing with her (but I'll re-iterate, in the holidays I am expected (and want) to do a LOT, I do the school run, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, cook, iron etc. As mum had DD in term time (for which I am eternally grateful) my uni holidays are her actual holidays, her and Dad will go away then, for a few weeks, I will look after my sisters (12, 10 and 6) as well as DD (2) well and Dsis 1 but she's 18!

I am in my forties and If someone gave me a baby to look after right now I would just break down and cry. I am used to a big workload as I am a LP with 2 kids, 3 dogs, 2 horses and a full time job - Mad I know but they were all there before my ex pushed off. But least they mostly all sleep through the night

wotnochocs - you are being unfair

I personally know someone who has blithely had no fewer than 5 abortions and never given it a second thought. That's an extreme example but still, you are peddling a religious agenda that has nothing to do with empathy for the OP who may not share your views. Best to be dispassionate in this scenario.

'I very much doubt the OP would be posting like this if it were her own daughter and her own grandchild she wanted killing'

I think that is an utterly appalling statement and unfairly emotive.
It has nothing to do with being a DSD instead of a DD. I would be horrified when my childbearing years are over to have another baby,because that is what this means. 14yrs is too young-she has no understanding of being a mother. Of course families love the DC once it is there (or families who love each other) but that is not the point.
I would suggest that DSD gets independent,impartial,counselling from people who will not bandy words about killing grandchildren!

notsoacademicallytormented you sound amazing - not sure I could do what you are doing