To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

YABU
She needs support, not judgement.

Tess I also think it's totally wrong of anyone to expect you to do any childcare for your DSD's child.

I think Lougle is right about this evening. Don't approach this trying to convince her- approach this as if you have accepted she wants to keep the baby.

The very real problem ahead of her is:
How does she manage to keep the baby, go to school, take care of it, and avoid it being taken into care? I'd be concerned that the instant she has a scan at hospital they will call social services (they will- she is 14!) and the baby will already be at risk of being taken off her anyway.

Would she be happy to keep the baby ie not have an abortion, but have it adopted? Or have it in care with some access rights?

Then there may be a way around the guilt of an abortion without the reality of having a baby to care for, knowing that she's given a child a life (and hopefully a good one) but without the real implications long term to her own life.

sorry, sounded harsher than I meant it to. I feel v strongly that society should support mothers a LOT more than it does, so I just feel that abortion is being presented to her as a reasonable option. I'd be devastated if people close to me thought the baby inside me would be better off dead when I myself wanted to keep it

'but it is part of being a parent that you help them get the best out of any situation they find themselves in.' No, I disagree here. Sometimes rushing in, promising help and to make it all go away doesn't achieve anything. At times, you have to stand back, let them fuck up and then pick up the pieces and hope they've learned a lesson.

I think the OP is between a rock and a hard place here, and I think that people are forgetting that she has other kids who need her, not just the dsd. There's going to be fallout with those children, but everyone seems bent on ignoring their needs.

(Not the OP obviously).

scaryteacher, if it was the OP who was pregnant, would you think it would harm the other children?

'I'd be concerned that the instant she has a scan at hospital they will call social services (they will- she is 14!) and the baby will already be at risk of being taken off her anyway.'

Not true just after I hadmy termination my frinds little sister got pg she was 14 and kept ss were involved but only with the mind of giving support. She did really great and became a lot more ambitious wanting to do the best for her baby she is now a hair dresser and has another baby (different dad first was a waste of space) and a really good life.

'will she just schlep the baby along wherever she goes til whatever time?' -- you're sitting waiting for her to come back from her friend's as you post... Tess, there seems to be an awful lot happening here that you think is out of your control. Is this how the DSD has been behaving up to now?

math Not at all, she is normally very studious and hardly ever goes out. But I feel like I should give her space right now? Isn't pushing her to come home (it is half term after all) when I've allowed her brothers to stay over at a friends' going to look like I'm ice bitch stepmum?

Lougle, yes, if she didn't want it or it would be too much. She has been sterilised as her dh, so it is evident they don't want more children.

What concerns me is that there will be resentment at the changes they are being forced to accommodate towards both the dsd and the baby and this will cause problems within the family. The other children are being given no choice in this major change to their life.

I had my DD just after I sat my A Levels, so I appreciate I was a lot older than the OP's DSD, I had an Oxbridge offer for medicine so a 'bright future' I took a year out, and started in Sept. 09.
It has been the hardest thing I've ever done but it's working out ok, I am very lucky in that my parents look after DD in term time, but they are very short terms and I see her every weekend. There is definitely the expectation that I do A LOT around the house in my holidays. My youngest sibling is not much older than DD and in my holidays I will provide a lot of her care too. It's only fair.
I would say that there IS the financial help out there, especially if your DSD is likely to go far in education, I get a lot more help being a mum than I would if I was just another student.

I would make sure she understands exactly what's going to happen, how painful labour is, how hard breastfeeding can be, that people will abuse her in the street for being a young mum... But equally accept her decision, she's young but if she's bright (as you say she is) then she will get there. People have done it before and they'll do again!

Finally, expat, I know you must feel very strongly on the subject but is it really necessary to post

"No. I can tell you what I'd do: have a massive panic attack and wind up in a corner dithering like an idiot covering my ears and cooing to myself or leaving the house."

You've re-iterated this point a lot on the thread but Tess hasn't given any indication that a baby's cries do that to her so your experience isn't strictly relevant here and may just be scaremongering. Her DSD may have Post Natal Depression/Psychosis/a horrific tear etc etc but that could happen if she was 14, 24 or 44!

Although OP, perhaps pointing out how many women suffer from incontinence or weak pelvic floor muscles might be food for thought for you DSD, a bit of gritty realism as it were, child birth is messy, you might poo yourself in a room full of people, your vagina on display to all and sundry, your boobs will hurt and if you're particularly unlucky you might not be able to cough or sneeze in public for awhile?

I think having the input of her friends into the situation might not be very helpful though. Maybe you could keep her home with the suggestion that the two of you have a good deal of talking and listening to do, that she needs a bit of physical looking after (I'm assuming morning sickness hasn't hit though) and resting after the shock, and the difficulty of telling you and her dad?

Scary -- I don't think anyone really wants to have the other children cast a vote here. This doesn't happen in larger families when a baby is added after all. If the 14 year old is to be pressured into an abortion, then the younger siblings surely don't get to voice an opinion on the baby either?

I can understand both points in this post...

I fell pregant at 15 and was also a big shock to everyone in my family i was very studious and had never really been a boy minded type. It took a lot of courage to tell my parents who reacted vry similarly to o/p and tried to get me to have a termination, but it was more down to disappointment and them not wanting to throw my life away. I tried to stay in school but found it hard as people were nasty and jdgemental so i left when i was 6 months.

My advice is please dont try and force her decision, just try and show her how hard it really is to look after a baby and continue wih her education, as i never spoke to my parents until my dc came. Dont get me wrong now they love him very much, although i did the care part cmpletely on my own and have done for the past 6 and a half years, this was easier due to the fact that id already sat and passed 8 standadrd grades/a levels which at her age is not a possibility and she is just beginning the course work for those.

I would never ever change my decision but i will admit it was an extremely hard situation and it made me grow up a lot quicker and missed out on a lo of opportunities that my friends got.

Sorry my post was so long bu it sometimes helps if you speak to someone who has been in the situation.

So glad you're doing well notsoacademically . But it's a bit different for a 14 year old to have a baby as opposed to someone like you, who was mid A levels. You were incredibly driven, and without wanting to make assumptions, have family support on both sides.

Don't think a Gillick competent child could be forced to have an abortion against their will.

This is such a difficult one. Like you say, you don't want a baby to ruin her education, her dreams etc. It's true, having a baby now will mean her last few years of childhood will be gone. And yes, it'll be hard work, really hard work. She may be an excellent mother, but most likely you'll be doing alot of the work.

However, an abortion could ruin her education/dreams anyway. Have a look here for info on Post Abortion Stress Syndrome PASS

If you do end up going down this route you'll have to make sure you're there in the aftermath too (I'm talking months, years down the line), you'll need to be understanding and supportive of something you don't really understand (I'm assuming here that you've never had an abortion). It's not something most people can have done and then just move on.

I don't want to recommend something either way, as that's not up to me. But just make sure you go into the decision with your eyes open.

Feel free to contact me if you want any non-judgemental chat/advice etc.

WRT the other children - obv they shouldn't get a "vote", so to speak. However, the effect on them should be considered - after all, if OP was deciding whether to have another child herself, she would surely consider their interests when making her decision?

Exactly Zombie.

Of course if the daughter's boyfriend is of a similar age then the op is not the only parent who will be worrying about this. It is possible that the other grandparents and of course the father could come in to the picture and provide some of the care. No way of knowing the liklihood of that though till the daughter decides to share that information.

The middle of the night, day before exam thing? Yes I would leave her to it, or tell DH to deal with it as you've already made your feelings clear.

Good idea on the idea also of at the meal asking how she plans to deal with x, y and z (childcare, night care yada).

Biggest thing is that she DESPERATELY needs to be informed because she clearly isn't fully informed on parenthood at the moment.

I appreciate I was in a massively different situation, I had the offer before I was pregnant/knew I was pregnant so it was tangible and in reach which made it easier, not sure I'd have been so driven if I had been a few years younger...

But my point is that IT IS do-able! It won't be easy, FAR from it but it can work out. My own parents definitely wanted me to get a termination, as it was I was too far gone before I realised to have a chemical one and I couldn't have a surgical one, I had a few periods while pregnant and had never been 'regular', one pill taken too late and we were one of the 2% of people who use condoms perfectly and they still don't work

(Hatcher, RA; Trussel, J; Nelson, AL; et al. (2007). Contraceptive Technology (19th ed.). New York: Ardent Media. ISBN 1-59708-001-2. Archived from the original on May 31, 2008. Retrieved 2009-07-26.)

(worth baring in mind that your DSD might have used a condom correctly and just been unlucky?

But her education WILL suffer if she goes through with this, all the educational resources for teen mums are geared towards functionally illiterate girls. I was asked if I wanted to take an entry level english and maths course...I have A* maths GCSE, grade A english lit A level. I was offered a 'smoking cessation' course, never touched a cigarette etc. It's likely your DSD will feel alienated from almost everyone if she carries on with this pregnancy, the other girls at the young mums groups are, in my experience often not very academic or conscientious about achieving and her schoolfriends won't be mums... she will feel very isolated. I felt pretty lonely and I had 'proven' myself enough for people to be less judgemental!

please please dont force her to have an abortion if she doesnt want one. I was forced at 15 being told i would be ruining my life and my bf wouldnt stick around 17 years later i am still with my bf now my husband and we have 2 children and i can honestly say not a day goes by where i havent thought about what could have been if i hadnt been made to abort my baby.

Tess - what an awful situation.

Family member got pregnant at 15 and kept the baby - was born just after she finished school. She is now in her 30's and life has turned out well.

However given her time again I know she wouldn't have made the same decisions and she had a lot of family help. She definitely feels that she missed out on her youth.

I would do as others have said and talk to her about the reality of life with a baby and see if you can get her to talk to some other teenage mums.

Good luck!

How come the op doesnt have any idea how far alonh dsd is? Surely she would know from laundry, bins, sanitary supplies.

This thread really shows that 12/13yos need much better sex and childvare education from their school and parents than this girl has had.