To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

I think you're right Maryz. Getting pregnant at 14 isn't going to end brilliantly whichever choice is made really.

But as I think you said - its making the best of a bad situation.

please please dont force her to have an abortion if she doesnt want one. I was forced at 15 being told i would be ruining my life and my bf wouldnt stick around 17 years later i am still with my bf now my husband and we have 2 children and i can honestly say not a day goes by where i havent thought about what could have been if i hadnt been made to abort my baby.

Yes, same here Maryz. I think it would be pretty intrusive for me to check on bins or laundry or the tampon shelf. I buy supplies once a month and keep everything topped up. What the DDs do with them is their own business.

notsoacademicallytormented it's great that you've been able to carry on with your life/university ambitions etc. but it sounds like you've had masses of help from your parents in terms of looking after her term time which is what the OP want to avoid.

May i just say my aunt had a baby at 15, she studied hard at school got a degree and is now an accountant. Its not always the end of education and prospects, she in fact thinks he was the thing that spurred her on to succeed.

'You've re-iterated this point a lot on the thread but Tess hasn't given any indication that a baby's cries do that to her so your experience isn't strictly relevant here and may just be scaremongering.'

It's not for you to say whether someone's experience is warranted here on not. I haven't made such an assessment of anyone else because it's disrespectful, and, as it is AIBU, everyone is entitled to share their experiences and opinions so long as they are not abusive.

I'd expect the same courtesy in kind. Lovely to think what kind of physician you will make with such an attitude that you feel the need to scold random strangers online because you don't agree with them.

Speaks volumes.

The OP may not have an issue with the baby's cries, but she has gone the sterilisation process, and her husband has as well, because she doesn't want to bring up any more children.

You were in an entirely different situation, but again, I wouldn't use that to try to illustrate that sharing your experience is not relevant.

First cousin of mine got pregnant at 16, married the bloke, became a dentist, had another child at 22, still with him 16 years later.

She had great amounts of help from her single mother and grandparents, who looked after her son whilst she was at school and her husband at university.

Again, different situation as she was 16, the father was in the picture and the family took over the childcare often enough.

maryz, showing your age :o.

expat, out of interest (please don't answer if you don't want to) given that you have made it clear to your children that any unplanned pregnancy they chose to keep while living with you, means that they would need to find alternative accomodation (ie, mother and baby unit), what do you think they would do? Do you think that they would be inclined to do that, or to have a termination?

I ask because I am guessing that the fact you have discussed it beforehand would mean that they wouldn't feel 'let down' or pressured if they did get pregnant, and it would simply be part of their choice, IYSWIM.

I really feel for you OP and hope the talk goes well. I suspect she wants this baby very much and an abortion won't be on the cards, so what's next is 'simply' sorting out what happens when the baby arrives. Your DH can't possibly make the sweeping statement of 'of course you'll do it' and expect that to be the end of it. Well, he has said it, but he really shouldn't have. Ok, so you've taken her on like a daughter, but he's also her father and thus should be prepared to give up just as much time as you, surely?

Although in an ideal world, DSD would sort out the childcare, do you think you'd rather get more work hours yourself, perhaps, and between you and DH pay for childcare instead of doing it yourself? It seems rather unfair at the moment that you get to lose the peace you've been working towards and do all the work of childminding too.

I can almost understand why DSD wants a baby but she does need to realise that a baby also equals her life changing completely.

I've just had my first at 30 and despite everything I'd read was still massively unprepared for just how much work it is (though very worthwhile).

I have no idea what they'd do, Lougle. Haven't even speculated on that.

FortunateHamster, the government will pay £160 per week for childcare, which is probably around 30 hrs per week at a nursery, slightly more with a childminder.

"I suspect she wants this baby very much"

I agree with that Hamster but, op, as her dsm, I think you owe it to her to spell out exactly what having a newborn will entail (there are a few desperate threads from parents of newborns on Mumsnet that might give her an inkling) exactly what having a toddler will entail (ditto very frustrated mums of tantrumming toddlers threads) and reassure her that just because her father has told her that you will pick up the slack with childcare you do not want to. Appeal to the side of her that says she is mature enough to have a baby - is she mature enough to handle living in a less happy household than she is in now?

OK that's interesting, sorry I realise now you probably already mentioned that in the thread - I read bits of it holding a rather wriggly baby :)

Yes, that's the caveat of having a baby: they become toddlers and small children :o.

OP; you cannot force this child to have an abortion. You can point blank refuse to look after the baby and insist she gets alternative help.

Your dh dosn't sound supportiuve. Mabe your relationship won't last but tbh if you were that into being part of the family you'd be happy to support her no matter what.

"if you were that into being part of the family you'd be happy to support her no matter what."

Have you actually read the thread posh?

I think this has nothing whatsoever to do with the girl being a dsd rather than a dd and everything to do with the OP NOT wanting to look after another baby.

Getting sick of the sound of my own voice here so bowing out for now!

Yes, Scaley, you make a good point. I have had so many days where I've been at the end of my tether or in tears because I'm doubting myself. I can't imagine doing it at 14. It's obviously not impossible (given the examples some have given), but she sounds as if she'll need a lot of support.

Okay. Being in a priviledged position where all I can speculate on What I Would Do, I would go for the serious discussion about the DSD plans for "keeping it". I would also start off the discussion with talking about prenatal nutrition, eg, folic acid. Both because it's important, and because I would hope it would show my DSD that I wasn't just pretending to discuss it in order to scare her into a termination. So that she engaged with the discussion, IYSWIM.

Hopefully, Tess is out at the meal now and it's going well.

Don't beat yourself up for how you feel, Tess!

i feel for you op.

however all this explaining to dsd what having a baby will entail is a bit beside the point imo since it is all v hypothetical and she is ALREADY pregnant. deciding whether to keep a baby is an emotional decision. if you push her into a termination then you risk long term psychological damage and misery though i realise it is probably the bets case scenario. if she keeps the baby, with a bit of support and guidance things will work out somehow.

on the other hand i suppose it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to lay down some ground rules about what will happen when the baby is born - education/childcare -whatever else you need to sort out.

terryble - i think thats a good plan

*engaged in, I mean. Dear gods.