To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

expat, it is complicated given the situation (the OP has only been parenting the child from age 9). There are three (?) parents who've had responsibility for the child: her biological mum (who seems to have left a mess for the OP to clear up), the OP, and the biological dad.

However, despite this, the girl is still a child and her parents have some responsibility for the fact that she is now pregnant. That's not a criticism of the OP at all. It would be the same if the girl had been playing chicken and got hit by a bus. It's not fun, but the responsibility is there.

That is the difference between this situation, and the situation you describe, in which an adult woman must choose whether or not she terminates a pregnancy when she doesn't want the baby.

Oh goodness I really feel for you, OP, this sound like a dreadful situation.

It sounds to me like you EACH (you, DH, DSS)need to write a letter outlining your feelings on the whole situation and what you each are and aren't willing to do. Maybe as well as a bit stating your general feelings you could guide it by making up some statemets/questions that you each have to answer, e.g. "For this baby, I will be willing to provide the following practical help "; "Financial support for this child will be provided by"; "Who will be responsible for night-time care?" etc. etc.

Then you can all compare notes and read and digest what the others are saying, without being too confrontational.

I hope it all works out for you, whatever ends up happening.

Jenai, it seems obvious to me it's a parenting decision - not really to do with being pro-life/pro-choice. I agree with you.

This young girl will never be able to show that she could parent the child that she is carrying if she is pressured to abort, and if the only words she hears are 'I won't, I'm not, don't think we will do...., etc.', then that is pressuring her to abort, IMO.

Whereas if the advice on this thread was to encourage the young girl that parenting is a hard thing, and that she will need to consider x,y,z, BUT there is help with study costs, and her Dad and SM will support her emotionally, then that would be a balanced set of advice for her to make a decision from.

I am shocked that many people seem to think that this is simply a 'problem' to be dealt with. She is a mother. Nothing will change that. The only difference will be whether she has a baby at the end of it, or not.

Ultimately, though, whatever gets decided, it is the decision of the baby's mother (the DSD) to make. It's not Tess's baby to decide about wrt abortion.

No matter what option is chosen here, there will be fallout. An abortion that everyone decides by committee for the good of the existing family and for the teen herself would probably be the worst in terms of negative emotional and psychological effects for her and for the relationships in the family. Placing the baby for adoption is another option, but again, if this is not the teen's choice and she feels dragooned into it, there will be consequences -- among the consequences for both of the above is the possibility that she will turn around and get pregnant again, and everyone is back where they started. This is more complicated than just 'deal with the pregnancy' and get on with out lives.

Counselling may be really important here, as the surprise that has landed in everyone's lap has already produced a strain between Tess and her DH. If this girl is troubled, and she has spent 9 years living with a woman who eventually dumped her on a doorstep apparently, then the teenage years will require much in the way of putting her life on hold, bending over backwards and supporting. No matter what, the family will be dealing with this teen and the repercussions of her presence in the family, possibly the repercussions of having an abortion she didn't really want, or dealing with placement for adoption. A mother and father have to do all sorts of putting life on hold and bending over backwards in the name of support no matter what. This is an extension of that. We often don't get to choose what challenges life will throw at us. We do choose how we will deal with them.

Don't you think though Lougle that she needs to hear the reality of her situation? As Altkinmum pointed out, she could go to a mother and baby unit but her Dad won't wear it.

Yes, you can tell her about study costs etc, and emotional support, but what she doesn't grasp is that it is the practical support she will need as well; and she needs to be aware of how this will impact on all the family, her siblings included.

She is pregnant, she is not a mother yet.

I really really wanted to have a baby from when I was 13. I had a terrible relationship with my mother and saw having a baby as a 'solution' to this for 2 reasons. Firstly I desperately wanted to create a mother/child relationship (if I couldn't be the child, I'd have to be the Mum) and secondly I really wanted to move out and the only way I knew of was going into a mother and baby unit. This all sounds v naive now but it's an insight into a teenager's logic.

I totally agree with the OP and others who say that the DSD has to take responsibility for her actions (assuming that she wasn't raped). However I think that OP and her DH also have some degree of obligation for their failure in preventing this child from having sex in the first place. I don't have teenagers so maybe I'm a bit off base with this but shouldn't parents know where a 14yo is and whoo they are with at all times? Am i being naive and unrealistic? My parents kept a v close watch on me, which is why I didn't end up like this poor girl. I dont think they have been so negligent to deserve the 'life sentence' they will get if they end up raising a child against their will but to a certain extent they messed up in their judgement too (maybe by giving DSD too much freedom) and so do have some responsibility here aswell.

Given the mess this child may be born into it could well end up being taken into care against everyone's wishes anyway.

Have you tried saying to DSD "OK, you want to keep ther baby. That's your choice to make. What are your plans for childcare?" Because it seems to me that DSD is assuming that OP will be doing a lot of looking after the baby if DSD thinks her contribution is going to be "feed it before school and after school and take it for walks in the pram" (either that, or she has NO idea how much care babies actually need). I do think that DSD should be made aware of what having a baby entails before she makes any kind of decision re having one. Not in an "oooh, they're too much work, you're better off aborting" way, just in a "you need to know what you're getting into" way.

Your DH is another issue altogether... is he still telling you that you "will" look after the baby?

forever, I think you've hit the nail on the head about the logic of teenagers wanting a baby. Poor girl, she quite probably does feel this.

I think it's important to clarify, this is not about apportioning blame. It must be incredibly hard to prevent a teenager from having sex. I have never really heard anyone demonstrate that teenage sex is controllable. The OP and her DH didn't want their daughter to become pregnant. We must assume that the girl didn't want to become pregnant (even if by that we mean, she didn't fully understand the ramifications of having a baby at 14). So this is not about blame. It is about responsibility.

Tess, have you discussed adoption with your SD? Or does she not like this option either?

I do, Scaryteacher, but what is the reality of her situation?

She is pregnant. There is a baby.

Whatever she chooses to do, that choice will live with her forever.

If she chooses to have the baby, she will have to grow up, be responsible, be a Mum.

If she chooses to abort she will have to live with that decision forever, too.

Whatever she chooses to do, life will never be
the same.

If she chooses to have the baby, her life isn't over. She can have home-study around the post-natal period, return to school, have help with childcare costs for school hours and study hours.

She does not have to completely rely on her parents for practical support.

To me, this is where the rubber hits the road. You can't choose your children's lives for them, but it is part of being a parent that you help them get the best out of any situation they find themselves in. She is scared, she is lonely. She needs support, and an operation/pill won't take this all away. It is just the beginning.

'That is the difference between this situation, and the situation you describe, in which an adult woman must choose whether or not she terminates a pregnancy when she doesn't want the baby.'

Um, I wasn't describing any situation. I was responding to Brollyflower. Hence, why I quoted her.

I'm sorry expat, I got it wrong. I didn't mean to upset you.

I do have to say that giving her only the bad points is presurring her. I agree with lougle. After walking out of that hospital I had already shed my childhood innocence I felt like a mummy but one who had not been good enough to have a child.

You can take the baby away but the feelings have still been awoken. I found having a baby at 17 (with no support) much much easier than a termination (with support) at 15. As far as I can see she was old enough to get pg she is old enough to make this decision for herself.

"she is a mother" What crap, she is a little girl.

Why would I find that upsetting ?

At any rate, too, this person has been raped, because she is deemed to young to consent to sex.

It may be she's clamming up about the father because he's, well, a paedo.

I'd leave him out of it for now.

'As far as I can see she was old enough to get pg she is old enough to make this decision for herself.'

Whilst I do agree she will have to chose, she is underage by 2 years. She isn't even legally old enough to have given consent to sex.

14 year old can become mothers - that's a matter of fact.

I thought you meant I misinterpreted you, expat? That was what I was apologizing for.

I do hope this girl hasn't been raped. Is it possible she has a boyfriend who is also underage? I grant I can see why the OP is worried, given she clearly hasn't known about a boyfriend prior to this.

Yes she is not legally old enough but that is neither here nor there she has done it and now whether she aborts adopts or keeps she will have to be old enough mentally to deal with the consequences and making this choice for her could do so much damage.

Let her know the facts all of them either way (pro or con) and let her choose.

Yes, electra, unfortunately they can become mothers.

I forgot to type my last thought. How many 14 year olds would go ahead with a pregnancy if they thought they would be totally alone? If they thought they were a disappointment? How many would go ahead if they knew everyone wanted them to abort?

How many 30-35 year old women find the transistion to motherhood tough despite careful planning, sometimes with long ppainful IVF attempts? The ideal timing doesn't make it easier.

Motherhood is hard, 14 or 40. Why on earth is it deemed acceptable to strip a young girl of emotional & practical support to 'show her how hard it is', but rally round a woman who is finding parenthood surprisingly hard?

scared, I'm not sure I totally agree with you but I can't help understanding what you mean about being a mother despite decisions pushed on you. How brave of you to comment on this tread - I couldn't, in your position.

Some of you feel its not acceptable for op to gently try and persuade this girl to do the wisest thing and have an abortion

but you feel it is acceptable to put pressure on the op to go against all her instincts and welcome a baby she does not want to look after?

Lougled, because a 14 year old might not be making an informed decision? and it is not even responsible for herself?

'Motherhood is hard, 14 or 40. Why on earth is it deemed acceptable to strip a young girl of emotional & practical support to 'show her how hard it is', but rally round a woman who is finding parenthood surprisingly hard?'

The OP is being expected to do the grunt work of bringing up this child - feeds, childcare, all that goes with it.

I highly doubt the mother of a 35-year-old would be expected to do this.

THAT is the difference.

She is a child, a 40-year-old is not, and the OP does not want to bring up this child.

Again, I think the solution then is mother and baby unit. Taht's where mine would have to go in a similar situation because I cannot cope with a newborn again from a mental health standpoint.

But the OP's husband is forcing this on her.

OP, I'd contact SS if I were you.