To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

Oh Op what a nightmare. Perhaps your dsd needs a serious chat with someone outside of the family, a counsellor or something who can tell her what having a baby really means.

'but I really think you have to put what's right for dsd first here.' No, there are other kids involved here as well who have no choice and will be impacted by this. They have to make the best decisions for all the children and not just dsd. Why should her siblings have their lives turned upside down because of this?

Totally agree with suburbophobe above, and OP, if he expects you to act as her Mum, then you get to have the same input on this decision.

Sorry for confusion re: GP & scan. I rang the hospital to try to get her a scan but they said she has to go to the GP (who also has midwives in the practise) to get pregnancy confirmed first, seems counterproductive to me to wait any longer but there you go.

They have indicated to us we can then have a scan this week to confirm dates.

You have to be so, so careful. I genuinely believe that if it is perceived that you forced her hand in any way the brown stuff will hit the fan and it could have seriously bad long term implications.

Who says the OP will end up doing the caring? Nobody can physically force the OP to feed, change the baby, get up in the night. I firmly believe that's the mother's job anyway not that of the grandparents. The OP could just opt out. Leave SD to get on with it.

Plus the OP should make it clear to her SD that she would need to arrange childcare for whilst at school and arrange the finance to pay for it.

SD should definitely be fully informed of EVERYTHING having this baby entails and then can make a proper, informed decision.

I don't think parenthood gives us the right to make decisions about our kids' bodies once they are aware of action and consequence though, scaryteacher. Bio or SC.

My ds is fully aware of action/consequence at 15, but I still insist he has booster injections etc; he doesn't get the option to refuse.

Abortion is different I grant you, but I would be having serious talks with my dh about parent/baby units. As someone said earlier, although in theory the OP could opt out, in reality, let's face it, it will be her that is impacted by this and will have to deal with it.

Only if the op chooses that though, scaryteacher. She really does not have to get involved. There is financial assistance out there and nobody is putting a gun to her head re caring for the baby.

Emotionally her dh seems to be and she will be impacted by the sheer fact there is a baby in the house and that everyone will have to tiptoe around it for a good while.

I'm getting very annoyed with people arguing that they were a young mum of 18/know someone who was a young mum at University etc.

18 is a world away from 14.

Hi there. I have only skim-read the thread, but just wanted to add my support/advice.

I work with young people (13-19 yr olds), including young parents and young women who have decided to terminate when faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

I can only tell you what I would do (as a professional. I would do this as a parent, too).

Firstly, I would keep the lines of communication as open as possible - and you can only do that if you present a non-judgemental, supportive face to your DSD. If she senses you are not on side, she won't be open with you, and that could cause further problems down the line.

Secondly, I would sit her down (you and your DH, as calmly as possible) and explain to her that, if she feels responsible enough to have this baby, she owes it to herself and her unborn child to at least consider all the options that might be open to her.

Nobody can force her into anything, and she shouldn't be pressurised (that would be very wrong) - but she should at least familairise herself with the options. A good clinic, like Brook Advisory or similar, can do this, and can also offer her counselling (even just a one-off) if she wants to talk to someone in confidence outside of the family about this situation.

From there on in, you have no option really but to support her. She does need to be made aware of what the implications of her decision to have this baby will be - interupted education, limited social life for a few years, the end of her childhood, to put it bluntly - but not in a scaremongering way. If she is going to be bring a baby into this world at her age, she is going to have it hard enough.

The biggest influence of how well young parents get on is the level of support they have from family. This will change her life, but with your support, her life is by no means over.

Good luck

Nobody can physically force the OP to feed, change the baby, get up in the night. I firmly believe that's the mother's job anyway not that of the grandparents

Well that's the theory, but how many of us, in all seriousness, would stand aside and ignore a baby who needed feeding/changling/cuddling?

influence on, sorry

If she refuses to talk about the father of the baby, chances are he has either upset her greatly by a negative response to her pregnancy and has humiliated and hurt her, or he is an inappropriately older boy or young man. I think she is very upset by the pregnancy and possibly also very upset about the relationship that gave rise to it. OR -- she may have been drinking, she may have been raped, she may not completely grasp what happened during a casual sexual encounter that went further than she intended and is still in a bit of shock.

Scary -- the circumstance where a young girl this age is involved in a sexual relationship with someone say 6 years older is usually called statutory rape because there is assumed to be an element of undue influence even where both parties were consenting; this pregnancy is not necessarily 'self-inflicted'. There is a high possibility that the baby's father has taken advantage of her.

Lots of larger families have survived the addition of a baby even when the older ones are heavily involved in sports and other activities. Babies are not sick all the time and unable to go out with the rest of the family. Different situation, but I know three families where the youngest children were 10, 12 and 16 and the parents had a surprise baby in the late 40s, one of whom has Downs, and all the families have changed in very significant ways but survived. In one case, counselling was needed to get everyone working together and communicating better. You have a choice about how things will work out when you get a curveball like this thrown at you. Throwing your hands up and insisting the family is doomed is as unrealistic as assuming all will be rosy.

WRT the DH, talking respectfully with each other, maybe with a third party to referee, or maybe writing out your feelings and fears for each other might help. There is clearly relationship stuff going on here, expectations that have not been verbalised, and probably lots of leftover loose ends and resentments from when the DSD first arrived at your doorstep.

14 may be a world away from 18, but it was in asnwer to someone else saying she can kiss good bye to going to uni ever if has the child. I was merely out is very doable if she should want to

theres no proof shes been raped at all, shes probebly just really embarrased and ashamed shes been caught having sex at such a young age.

Talking about sex at 14 is bad enough, having your parents know you have done it and know your pregnant is humiliating

The situation you describe with her mothermay be relevant. I had a very very poor relationship with my mother as a child/teen (she had many problems) and no father present. I used to fantasise about becoming pregnant and having a baby to love. Fortunately I never had a boyfriend, so no opportunity to be a teen mum, but I did settle down young after uni and we had a family 5 years earlier than our peers. Dh also lost his mum as a teenager. Both of us were driven to create a family of our own. The love of my children and husband was the first time I feel I've experienced unconditional love.

I would not be surprised if being abandoned by her own mother is relevant to her views on how she might proceed from here.

Clearly Faaamily knows her stuff :)

Her advice that she owes it to any baby she has to consider the alternatives really, really stood out to me.

I remember thinking - and I stand by this, because I was right - that the decision I made to have an abortion in my 20s was the first parental decision I ever made. It was also one of the hardest - but I don't regret it for a second.

Oh and interestingly, had I become pregnant, my mother's views would have been like some on this thread -all about the impact on her and her life and her plans. In my experience, parenthood is about putting the children first and I don't expect that to stop when they're no longer babies, or even after they leave home or have children of their own.

math, I see what you're saying but I am not sure that's true. She may be feeling as if admitting that she and this boy don't have a 'proper' relationship somehow weakens her claims that she wants to keep the baby.

When I got pregnant (and yes, I was an older teen, but I think it's relevant), I felt as if the state of my and my boyfriend's relationship had a huge bearing on how my parents would judge my desire to keep the baby. It's not logical, but it's an understandable (and immature) reaction, and I could very much understand it in a 14 year old.

math, the difference is that this OP does not want to bring up another baby.

if she were herself pregnant, and came on here and told everyone she didn't want to have/bring up another baby, people would tell her to go then and terminate.

but because it's the SD, the OP is supposed to go all out, counselling, putting heaven knows what of her life on hold, bend over backwards in the name of 'support' and pitch in to bring up a child she does not want?

The impact isn't just on the OP; it also impacts on her other children, and that is what is being totally ignored here. The OP has a responsibility to her other children, not just her dsd.

I'm not saying the family is doomed, but it seems to me that the needs of all of the family are being ignored because the dsd wants to keep the baby.

Parenthood is about deciding as an adult what is best for the child, not always putting their wants above yours, that way lies spoiled brats and doormat firmly stamped on your forehead.

I'm really sorry, JenaiMwahHaHaHaaaaah, but how can it be a parenting decision to decide that a baby that you have conceived should simply not exist anymore??

It isn't a parenting decision - it is a choice. When a girl/woman finds herself unexpectedly pregnant, they have to choose whether to carry on with what they started, or to take steps to eradicate it.

The baby in this won't be better off dead. This is about the mother and her family.

'all about the impact on her and her life and her plans. In my experience, parenthood is about putting the children first and I don't expect that to stop when they're no longer babies, or even after they leave home or have children of their own.'

So she was supposed to go along with whatever you want, no matter what the impact on her life, because she had a child?

Wow.

When I became an adult I saw my mother as a person with her own life, rights and needs.

In no way to I expect her to subjugate her life for mine now.

She did her part. She still does. She raised me to be a woman who has respect for her, too, as an adult with her own right to live how she choses.

I think we have different views of parenthood Brollyflower. It isn't healthy for adults to be dependent on their parents for anything, surely.

Lougle - of course it's a parental (not a parenting) decision. I made the decision not to become a parent at that time, because I was in no fit state to bring a child into the world.

Your tone sounds pretty pro-life to me. This thread is not the right place for you and I to get into a pro/anti-choice debate between ourselves, however.