To Think The Ex Wife Is In The Wrong Here?

[midori1999]

DSD turned 18 a few months back. DSS is 14. DH has been paying over-the-odds maintenance since the split. DSD is not DH's birth child, but he has brought her up as his and treats her exactly the same as his DS, we both do. DSD does not know DH is not her birth father. (DH and I do nto agree with this, but that's another thread)

Anyway, DH had always assumed that maintenance for DSD would end once she was 18. It seems ex wife expected it to end when she finished full time education. Due to this discrepancy, DH and I decided we would reduce the maintenance paid to the ex wife and then give DSD an allowance, and leave the ex wife to take housekeeping from DSD if she wished.

DSD has two part time jobs and takes home approx. £75 per week from these. We agreed with DSD we'd give her £50 a month allowance. We did tell DSD upon agreeing the allowance that her Mum might decide to take the whole £50 in maintenance and that she should respect and adhere to her Mum's decision.

So, DSD recently complained to DH that her Mum wanted £75 a month from her. Tonight, the ex on the phone has told DH that DSD is 'in debt' now as she refuses to pay the maintanance and she wanted DH to agree there and then to stop giving the money to DSD and give it to ex wife each month instead. I don't think DH should do this, especially without speaking to DSD first. The ex also said that DSD had applied for an overdraft and been refused. (probably just as well)

The ex never allows DH any part in decisions made in their children's lives, but always comes to him if there is some problem. She has a very poor relationship with her daughter and I feel DSD's current behaviour (as well as some past behaviour) is a symptom of that. I also feel that DSD has few adults she can trust in her life and DH and I have worked hard to show DSD we think of her as an adult now and make her feel like she can talk to us. I think it would be wrong to now take the allowance from DSD.

Who is in BU here and what would be the best way to deal with this situation?

DSD's mother should be sorting this out with her daughter as they are both adults, getting the dad invloved by telling tales.

My mum had a rule with us once we started working: You stay, you pay. She enforced this really well without telling tales on us to anyone.

Hmmm. She (DSD) is an adult now and should be managing her own money imho - especially as she is earning from a part-time job.

I was brought up my grandparents and at 18, my dad opened a bank account and placed £75 per month in there. In those olden days, I was able to claim back the tax he paid on this, so I ended up with £100 a month. Plus my earnings from part time job. From this, I was expected to pay board, and then everything else I had to sort myself. My nan asked for about £50 a month I think - twas 20 years ago. And she also got the CB.

Everyone was very happy with the arrangement.

What portofango said! DSD is an adult...DH needs to give her hr allowance and tell her that is it...DSDs mum is being a tight cow too.

Well, DSD has just rang her Dad, with her Mum in the room and asked her Dad to please pay her Mum the money each month. Then her Mum got on the phone to DH and ranted at him yet again.

I've suggested that DH explain to DSD that maintenance has ended and we now pay DSD an allowance each month. If DSD doesn't want it, that is up to her, but he will not pay money to her Mother.

I strongly feel DSD was under pressure from her Mother during the phone call.

You don't say how old DSD is? CSA payments continue until the child turns 19 if they're still in full time education, but if DSD is 19 or older than your DH's ex is being a bit off to still expect maintenace from him.

But, I think that if your DH knows that DSD's mother is still going to want maintenance AS maintenance, then it's a little unfair to burden his DSD tbh. He should be sorting it out/refusing to pay directly with her mother.

That's needlessly harsh dittany. How do you know that OP and her DH wouldn't give more if DSD was at uni or living out of the home.

I would agree with you you have already done OP. Any Mother that is prepared to put her daughter in that position over £25 a week is poisonous. Let DSD give her mother the money, and more if she wants to. If you feel inany way bad abour what DSD is recieving, get her a bigger Christmas present or buy her some clothes occasionaly.

The op says DSD turned 18 a few months back.

Op is DSD still in further education or at uni?

Sorry, so she did . In that case, if the CSA were involved the OP's DH would still have to pay maintenance to the mother.

Dittany, it has nothing at all to do with us having more money to spend. In your world most parents might support their children through university, but not in mine. It was made very clear to us as children that if we wished to go to university we would need to support ourselves finacially, and I strongly believe this is what should happen. Of course, that is not to say that parents shouldn't help out, but DH and I have five children between us and couldn't afford to pay for all of them to go to university even if we wanted to.

DSD is currently doing her A levels still. DH and I discussed this with the ex originally and with DSD and DSD was fine with it, in fact, I'd go so far as to say pleased about it. We did explain to DSD that we wouldn't b e able to fund her through uni, but that we would re-asses the allowance should she attend uni and support her where we can.

DH always pays extra on top of the maintenance for school trips, spending money for trips, extra stuff where we can etc. We are not trying to skimp on anything at all for DSD, we had hoped that by giving her the money she would be able to directly benefit from it more, instead of her Mum frittering it away on god knows what. (and the ex was already trying to take £10 a week 'housekeeping' from DSD prior to this arrangement anyway)

gaelicsheep, we have been in touch with the CSA and in fact, DH wouldn't have to and never has had to pay a penny for DSD.

However, as I have said, we are not trying to get out of paying anything, simply attemtping to make sure DSD gets the maximum benefit from the money we pay, instead of her Mother.

By making this arrangement, we are actually 'saving' £25 a month, which we are putting aside to help pay for visits to DSD and DSS, as this involves flights and their Mother is very difficult about access.

The Ex wife is BU, I would imagine if she did not get pressure from her mother that she would be quite happy with the allowance you and her dad are going to give her.

Did the Ex think the maintenence would last forever? Your Husband sounds like a good man to pay anyway considering she is not his birth child. All though I dread to think what will happen if DSD found out...

yabu

why would her maintenance finish when she turned 18?
nothing has changed she is still in ft education and unable to support herself.

you are now giving her £600 a year, £11.50 a week. Really?
she works two pt jobs and is in full time education
i don't understand why you would want to add the burden of having to negotiate her father's contribution to her day to day upkeep to the mix

if he has an issue paying maintenance to his exdw get him to bring it up with her

also discuss things like wot adults do

do not unilaterally decide something and then involve a child in your squabbles

you should be ashamed of yourselves

She is 18, how is that a child?

No, I appreciate it's different in your case. All I'm saying is that according to normal practice the mother is not being totally unreasonable to expect maintenance to be paid directly to her, as opposed to her DSD, until DSD is 19. That your DSD does not know your DH isn't her father is, however, abominable.

But whether the mother is being unreasonable or not, it does seem a little unfair to give DSD an allowance knowing that the mother will more than likely demand all of it back as maintenance. Sort it out with the mother first is all I'm saying, to avoid complications and pressure on DSD.

I do sympathise with your position btw, having been in similar myself.

i hate this sort of nonsense

we are stopping (that's what redirecting it means) her money to prevent her frittering it away

my god

he would never have had to pay a penny for her

obviously he is the only dad she has ever known and afask he is her biological dad
but as he has now moved on his lack of biological imput means that he is no longer responsible for his poor dd

he obv deserves a medal

christ on a bike

I think you've been very, very foolish now - once your step daughter finds out that her father isn't really her father AND that he's tried to reduce her maintenance, she will be very upset.

My ex is paying until our children finish university - there's no way a student can manage on loans and grants - once my children's hall fees are paid, they have £97 left for the term - yes, that's from 18th September until 18th January. Yes, they have an overdraft, but that overdraft of £1500 has to last three years. They can't sign on in the holidays, if they can't get work.

Your ex has been good, accepting full responsibility for the child, but now he really has to put his money where his mouth is. Now that your step daughter is earning pocket money, she doesn't need help with clothes, fares, etc, but her mother still needs to pay for food, mortgage, heating etc.

And sorry, you chose to have children with a man who has responsibilities - that is the problem when you marry someone who has had children.

she is still at school and therefore still dependant whether legally still a child or not

I think you and your dh need to decide whether you are prepared to pay maintenance to the ex for your dsd from now on.

Either you're happy to do so or your not.

If you want to pay money direct to dsd that's your decision to.

Perhaps your dh needs to speak to his dsd another time when her mum isn't around to find out what she really wants?

But isn't maintenance to help feed and keep a roof over your dsd's head? If this £50 a month is maintenance then surely it should be going to the mother to help with dsd's living costs.

I genuinely don't see what is wrong with wanting DSS to get as much benefit as possible from the money we pay for her? DH is not sying in any way he is no longer responsible for DSD.

And DH never moved on and would never have left his children, his ex wife did.

If he is meant to pay until she's 19 then he still has another 10 or so months to go.
You've made a rod for your own backs years ago, he should have drawn up a legal agreement stating that he doesn't have to pay maintenance and anything he does is out of goodwill nothing more.

The ex sounds a right one though who charges their child to live with them whilst still at school.

Agree that if she is still doing A levels then as CSA payments continue until 19 I'd continue payments until next September even though not necessary legally.

I would make it clear to both exwife and stepdaughter that after that she is considered an adult.

I don't see why Dittany thinks a father treating his ADULT daughter as an adult and paying her directly is wrong.
Children have to become financially independant at some point. Adulthood seems as good a time as any, plus many divorced parents have poor relationships with their exes and prefer to give the money to their offspring. I don't understand why any over 18 year old wouldn't prefer this. This is what happened with my stepson. I expect the same to happen with my stepdaughter and my kids. All the adults involved will support them through university, but the money will go direct to the offspring once in tertiary education, if they go there.

The girl should be told of her parentage at some point though, but this is for her mum and stepdad (ie your husband) to decide.

The only support I'll be able to give my dc through uni is a bed under our roof if they choose to go to one in commuting difference, if they want a degree sadly they'll have to take on the debt to get it.

At some point your dc have to stand on their own 2 feet and learn how to budget, that meals and a roof over your head has to be paid for