To Think The Ex Wife Is In The Wrong Here?

[midori1999]

DSD turned 18 a few months back. DSS is 14. DH has been paying over-the-odds maintenance since the split. DSD is not DH's birth child, but he has brought her up as his and treats her exactly the same as his DS, we both do. DSD does not know DH is not her birth father. (DH and I do nto agree with this, but that's another thread)

Anyway, DH had always assumed that maintenance for DSD would end once she was 18. It seems ex wife expected it to end when she finished full time education. Due to this discrepancy, DH and I decided we would reduce the maintenance paid to the ex wife and then give DSD an allowance, and leave the ex wife to take housekeeping from DSD if she wished.

DSD has two part time jobs and takes home approx. £75 per week from these. We agreed with DSD we'd give her £50 a month allowance. We did tell DSD upon agreeing the allowance that her Mum might decide to take the whole £50 in maintenance and that she should respect and adhere to her Mum's decision.

So, DSD recently complained to DH that her Mum wanted £75 a month from her. Tonight, the ex on the phone has told DH that DSD is 'in debt' now as she refuses to pay the maintanance and she wanted DH to agree there and then to stop giving the money to DSD and give it to ex wife each month instead. I don't think DH should do this, especially without speaking to DSD first. The ex also said that DSD had applied for an overdraft and been refused. (probably just as well)

The ex never allows DH any part in decisions made in their children's lives, but always comes to him if there is some problem. She has a very poor relationship with her daughter and I feel DSD's current behaviour (as well as some past behaviour) is a symptom of that. I also feel that DSD has few adults she can trust in her life and DH and I have worked hard to show DSD we think of her as an adult now and make her feel like she can talk to us. I think it would be wrong to now take the allowance from DSD.

Who is in BU here and what would be the best way to deal with this situation?

what do you do with your ex?
try to replicate that maybe (you said good set up/relationship thereafair)

What do I do with my ex?

He rings the children when he can, he has the children when he can, he pays what maintenance he can. (we have a private arrangement of 20% of his earnings, this has recently dropped considerably from £800 a month to £200 as he has taken a job working for his brothers, partly for health reasons, so not entirely his own decision) I allow him to have/visit the children whenever he can and at Christmas/New Year if they/he want to. As he can't travel at the moment due to his health, DH and I offered to take the DC to his home to stay and collect them a week later in the summer. Sadly, ex H did not arrange time off work in time and so that didn't happen. I admit to being annoyed about that, as the DC had expected to see him and were disappointed.

If there are school trips etc I ask if he can contribute, if he says he can't afford it, that is the end of the matter. I never bad mouth him to the DC, I always paint him in a good light and tell them how much he loves them and tries his best to see them, even if this isn't always strictly the case, IMO. Basically, I try to make things as easy as possible for him. In 'return' he helps out where he can financially and does try to see them, although admittedly maybe not quite hard enough, but he does have his own life too. Ex H and DH speak to each other and if DH comes to collect the DC he stays overnight here as it is a long jounrey.

We don't always see eye to eye and neither of us is perfect, but we all try to just do what is best for the DC.

I don't expect the ex to allow me to stay overnight there (she will not even aloow DH to stay when he collects the DSC) but it would be nice to at the very least to be able to talk civilly to each other, or even talk. Sadly, I don't think this will ever happen. DH have tried to meet up with her before and invited her and her boyfriend out to lunch with the DC somke years ago but she refuses. She will not even ring the house phone, she alays rings DH's mobile, even if it is in the evenings when she knows he will be home. When our second twin died, pbviously DH and I were distraught. DH text her to explain what had happened and that he just couldn't face talking to anyone at that moment and didn't know when he would be up to it, that he didn't expect her to tell the DSC, but he wanted them to know ASAP and would appreciate if she could, notleast as he would have had to tell them on the phone. She didn't even bother to reply, even when he text her again several days later and asked if she had managed to speak to them as he had to ring them and didn't know what they had been told.

Sadly, I don't think there is any way his ex and I will ever be able to get along, which is a shame for the DSC.

OP, it sounds like you've come to a sensible and overly fair decision re DSD. Sorry to hear about your twins btw.

My DS father pays no maintenence and so I'm in awe of any man that pays it out of love and devotion not even out of necessity - it means more that way IMHO.

I do think DSD mum sounds a little harsh but in all honesty can she really prevent an 18 yo from flying and seeing her dad??

I think you've done extremly well not to just pay all the money straight to DSD and telling her why if she asks - telling her he doesn't owe a penny to her mum but wants to pay for her.

As an aside is there any way of checking with the CSA that the bioD isn't paying statutory maintenence - just ijn case she's pulling a fast one .

I can't believe the stick you've had from some posters here, I'm the ex-p getting no maintenece whilst EX-p and his DF are getting married and moving to her country of nationality. It sucks but not all men are as caring as your DH it seems.

On the subject of what MumBarTheDoor was saying -

My DH exW had two children from her first marriage. She told my DH that her exH had gone for a pint of milk one day and never came back!

He learned after they split up (in fact during the divorce process) that not only did she eject the first husband from the house she paid for him to get set up 200 miles away, and once settled he paid money into her mum's account (to hide it) every month. (this continued until they were 18)

She let her children believe that he had abandoned them all and never paid a penny.

She also let DH believe this too and he continued to support his step children after the split until he discovered the truth during the divorce.

Just a thought

midori, did you really not think there was anything at all odd about stopping maintenance on your step-dd's birthday even though she is still at school?

Seems like a very strange idea to me.

Btw, all this confusion about biological and non-biological children - the courts still retain the power to make maintenance orders for non-biological children.

She did not stop maintenance Edam, they reduced it by £75, giving £50 of this sum to the daughter.

Oh well that's OK then, Humphrey. Whatever, you don't fuck around with maintenance on birthdays, you pay it while the child is in full-time education before university.

That's been the case for more than 20 years and probably longer.

er, I was just correcting your misunderstanding of the situation

I thought you would like to know

as far as I understood the thread (and I waded through the whole thing in one go) the OP IS paying more money on top of the fifty quid, that amount is what she is paying directly to the DD.

sorry humphrey, was just feeling generally grumpy and posted in haste. Apols.

no probs

dittany he pays maintenence for them both, he has reduced DD's portion of it by £75, which £50 is going direst to his DD and the other £25 put aside for travelling costs so he can see them more.

Think its a case of doing wrong whilst trying to do right. Especially since he isn't legally required to pay anything.