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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think The Ex Wife Is In The Wrong Here?

190 replies

midori1999 · 24/10/2010 20:03

DSD turned 18 a few months back. DSS is 14. DH has been paying over-the-odds maintenance since the split. DSD is not DH's birth child, but he has brought her up as his and treats her exactly the same as his DS, we both do. DSD does not know DH is not her birth father. (DH and I do nto agree with this, but that's another thread)

Anyway, DH had always assumed that maintenance for DSD would end once she was 18. It seems ex wife expected it to end when she finished full time education. Due to this discrepancy, DH and I decided we would reduce the maintenance paid to the ex wife and then give DSD an allowance, and leave the ex wife to take housekeeping from DSD if she wished.

DSD has two part time jobs and takes home approx. £75 per week from these. We agreed with DSD we'd give her £50 a month allowance. We did tell DSD upon agreeing the allowance that her Mum might decide to take the whole £50 in maintenance and that she should respect and adhere to her Mum's decision.

So, DSD recently complained to DH that her Mum wanted £75 a month from her. Tonight, the ex on the phone has told DH that DSD is 'in debt' now as she refuses to pay the maintanance and she wanted DH to agree there and then to stop giving the money to DSD and give it to ex wife each month instead. I don't think DH should do this, especially without speaking to DSD first. The ex also said that DSD had applied for an overdraft and been refused. (probably just as well)

The ex never allows DH any part in decisions made in their children's lives, but always comes to him if there is some problem. She has a very poor relationship with her daughter and I feel DSD's current behaviour (as well as some past behaviour) is a symptom of that. I also feel that DSD has few adults she can trust in her life and DH and I have worked hard to show DSD we think of her as an adult now and make her feel like she can talk to us. I think it would be wrong to now take the allowance from DSD.

Who is in BU here and what would be the best way to deal with this situation?

OP posts:
pleasechange · 25/10/2010 08:47

OP YANBU

I find it amusing that the people slating you have not commented on the terrible situation of the mother taking money off a "child" (as they say), for rent, while that "child" is having to work so support herself through A-levels. So if your DH was paying the extra maintenance to his ex, she would be getting full CSA, all the extras your DH pays for, child benefit for both children, and £75 rent off the eldest. And apparently it's your DH being unreasonable Hmm. None of this surprises me by the way. Man - pay all you can, Woman - take all you can. So much for feminism

Goblinchild · 25/10/2010 08:48

I never thought I'd say this, but I agree completely with Bonsoir. Smile
Let her finish her A levels in security.

pozzled · 25/10/2010 08:49

I think that the maintenance payments should have continued as they were until she had finished her A-levels. DSD reaching 18 does not change anything, she is still living at home and bills etc need to be paid. After she finishes A-levels, I think it is very reasonable to pay an allowance to her and not exw, because DSD should then be treated as an adult IMO.

pozzled · 25/10/2010 08:51

allnew The exw is only taking £75 from the DSD because the maintenance payments have been reduced. When she was receiving full maintenance she was asking for £10 (I think?). I don't particularly agree with this either, I don't think you should charge anything from someone still at school.

2rebecca · 25/10/2010 08:56

Whose name is on her birth certificate? How old was she when your husband started looking after her? Do other family members know he isn't her father?
If he's effectively been her father since a baby then he is her father in all ways that matter, she should still be told about this eventually though, probably now best left until after A levels, and unfortunately when parents have divorced this can lead to some children rejecting their non bio dads, especially if animosity from mum.

QuintessentialShadows · 25/10/2010 08:57

She is still working on her a levels, and you are creating arguments and disharmony in her home life for her? Putting her and her mum under stress?

AND you are now taking £25 per month of her money to save for flights to come and see her? I dont think her maintenance should pay your flights!!

I am sorry, you have between you chosen to put 5 children on this planet. I think you are being petty with your dsd. It does not matter ONE inch that she is not the biological dd, she, poor girl, does not even know this!

I think your attitude is pretty rotten. Sorry.

edam · 25/10/2010 08:57

What bonsoir said - and you know it perfectly well.

And you are dead wrong about your husband having no responsibility to her as she's not his biological child. The law says parents have a responsibility to 'the children of the marriage' - anyone in the household who is a dependent whether a stepchild or a biological child. Your dh was quite happy to claim her as his child and support her as his child while with her mother.

You didn't bring the biological issue up in response to any other poster, btw, it's there in your OP in black and white. Spiteful, horrible attitude of yours especially as you say she doesn't even know he's not her biological father. YOU mentioned it, clearly you think it's some kind of justification for treating her badly.

You are in the wrong morally, you are in the wrong legally, and you are behaving in a despicable, controlling and manipulative manner.

But I doubt you will listen, or be at all honest about your motivations or behaviour. You clearly started this thread expecting people to say 'well done you, how noble of your dh to support his non-biological child, of course you are entitled to cut maintenance and why don't you demand her mother repays all the maintenance while you are at it?'

QuintessentialShadows · 25/10/2010 09:00

I think I actually remember some of your earlier threads, op, and I suspect Edam is not far wrong in her assessment of you.

jonesy71 · 25/10/2010 09:02

I suppose it depends by how much you have reduced the maintenance, you say he had been paying over the odds and if you have effectively cut this down by half then it will have been rather a shock to the exw pocket (rightly or wrongly)

So what you have tried here hasn't work out - just need to re-think it. If it's not about the money but about support your DSD the young adult in gaining some independence then try a different tack. Perhaps you could say for 6 months continue to pay whatever the DSD 'portion' of the maintenance was, but pay half of it to her and half to the exw.

You could then have a look at altering the 50/50 split after six months, or reducing the total. It gives the heads up that the maintenance is coming to an end which indeed it must do at some point!!

I don't know if this has already been said but does she qualify for EMA?

Good Luck anyway.

sallyseton · 25/10/2010 09:02

Good god, you've had your dsd on the phone, telling you what it is she'd like to happen, and yet you dismiss what she says?? That's terrible.

The only person suffering here is your dsd. Presumably she'll be taking her exams this summer and then heading off to uni? So she's got the stress of those exams, two p/t jobs (which is in no way unusual by the way, every 6th former I knew at school had a job), and then all the usual 18year old things-friends, boyfriends? You need to be doing all you can to make her life easier at the moment. Shame on you for making it so much more difficult.

MissDolittle · 25/10/2010 09:08

YABU. He should still pay maintenence until she is 19 if she is in full time education.

How on earth did you think you were helping her by reducing and redirecting it?

You should have discussed it properly with the exW rather than putting her in this hideous position of being told that she is getting £50 a month pocket money from her dad (so she can think he is a hero) then getting a reality check from her mother that actually, on turning 18 the food she eats and the washing powder she uses and the water and electricity etc is not suddenly free but needs to be paid for.

She still costs the same to keep so if you and DH are financial winners to the tune of £25 a month then obviously someone is going to lose out.

You might not like the exW, she might be a total bitch who has manipulated you poor DH into paying over the odds for a child she has 'pinned' onto him. You can't control that, you can only control how you treat people.

ivykaty44 · 25/10/2010 09:12

Can I just ask on the original figures:

£75 from part time job per week

£50 from dad per week

£EMA to students £25 per week this amount hasn't been mentioned and students still get ema at the moment for good attendance

giving a total of £150 per week

FakePlasticTrees · 25/10/2010 09:14

YABU - maintenance should continue until she leaves full time education.

To do this now, adds extra stress on DSD during the most stressful school year. If she fucks up her A levels, it will limit her degree choices and therefore career options. Why are you being so petty now?

Saying you'll use the extra money to save for DSD visiting you - well, cause enough bad feeling and she won't want to.

Give the mother the same maintenance as before until DSD's left school. the time to reassess is the summer when DSD will either be looking at going to uni or looking for fulltime work.

FakePlasticTrees · 25/10/2010 09:15

Ivykaty44 - OP's DH is giving £50 a month, not a week.

TheFallenMadonna · 25/10/2010 09:27

What edam said. You cannot claim it doesn't matter when you bring it up in your first paragraph. I find it hard to stomach that you are using something that she has no knowledge of to rationalise your treatment of her, to the extent that you post about it on here. And you are using it, of course you are. I wonder if it comes from you or your DH...

ivykaty44 · 25/10/2010 09:30

ahh

so

£75 per week from wages
£12.50 per week form dad
£25 EMA student

total of £112.50 per week

gosh £12.50 per week allowence

pleasechange · 25/10/2010 09:31

So DSD is getting £483pm to spend, and she's at school. What on earth is she spending it all on???

TheFallenMadonna · 25/10/2010 09:34

Perhaps she's hoping she could give up one of the two jobs she is doing in the run up to her A levels...

ISNT · 25/10/2010 09:42

I thought you only got EMA is household income was below a certain amount.

MissDolittle · 25/10/2010 09:43

I think its a bit shitty taking into account the p/t wages of an A level student when assessing the maintenence you are giving them. The CSA wouldn't take it into consideration and neither does EMA. Are people going to start suggesting a reduction in maintenence payments when a 14yo gets a paperound, or a 7yo washes her neighbours cars.

She might not even be getting £25 EMA.

SkeletonFlowers · 25/10/2010 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekOfTheWeek · 25/10/2010 09:52

YANBU

The ex was taking the maintenence for both dcs AND was charging the dsd keep too.

How about the bio dad coughs up. Perhaps he already is.

GoreRenewed · 25/10/2010 09:57

Blimey! Is it usual to stop support for your children when they go to university?

I didn't know that.

mamatomany · 25/10/2010 09:59

So DSD is getting £483pm to spend

Not only that but she's moaning about it and doesn't want to pay her mother keep, she sounds a right case too, gets it from her mother no doubt.

needafootmassage · 25/10/2010 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.