To Think The Ex Wife Is In The Wrong Here?

[midori1999]

DSD turned 18 a few months back. DSS is 14. DH has been paying over-the-odds maintenance since the split. DSD is not DH's birth child, but he has brought her up as his and treats her exactly the same as his DS, we both do. DSD does not know DH is not her birth father. (DH and I do nto agree with this, but that's another thread)

Anyway, DH had always assumed that maintenance for DSD would end once she was 18. It seems ex wife expected it to end when she finished full time education. Due to this discrepancy, DH and I decided we would reduce the maintenance paid to the ex wife and then give DSD an allowance, and leave the ex wife to take housekeeping from DSD if she wished.

DSD has two part time jobs and takes home approx. £75 per week from these. We agreed with DSD we'd give her £50 a month allowance. We did tell DSD upon agreeing the allowance that her Mum might decide to take the whole £50 in maintenance and that she should respect and adhere to her Mum's decision.

So, DSD recently complained to DH that her Mum wanted £75 a month from her. Tonight, the ex on the phone has told DH that DSD is 'in debt' now as she refuses to pay the maintanance and she wanted DH to agree there and then to stop giving the money to DSD and give it to ex wife each month instead. I don't think DH should do this, especially without speaking to DSD first. The ex also said that DSD had applied for an overdraft and been refused. (probably just as well)

The ex never allows DH any part in decisions made in their children's lives, but always comes to him if there is some problem. She has a very poor relationship with her daughter and I feel DSD's current behaviour (as well as some past behaviour) is a symptom of that. I also feel that DSD has few adults she can trust in her life and DH and I have worked hard to show DSD we think of her as an adult now and make her feel like she can talk to us. I think it would be wrong to now take the allowance from DSD.

Who is in BU here and what would be the best way to deal with this situation?

As I said before if I were to split from my DH I could see a situation arising when my d's biological father was not contributing to her and my husband would be. That does not mean that I am a money grabbing cow but is just a reflection that life is not simple.

YANBU, the financial arrangements you mention above sound fair to me. However, your DSD has every right to know the truth about her paternity and the fact that she has been kept in the dark about it is incredibly unfair IMHO.

The bio Dad knows DSD exists but has no involvement in her life. He neither wants to, nor does the ex wife want him involved as she never wants DSD to find out DH is not her bio Dad. DSD has asked her Mum outright if her Dad is not her real Dad and her Mum has told her not to be silly, he is, which makes it even more difficult. (the entire family/friends all know DH is not her bio Dad, so it's not suprising she's picked up on something)

The ex wife does not have a new husband. DH and I are not sure of the home situation tbh. His ex wife is seeing a married man and has been doing so for the last 10 years. He does stay there for half the week, but we don't obviously know the financial arrangement. This is somethign else DH and I disagree with, what she does is her business, but the DSC know he is married as they are told to be quiet if his phone rings in case it is his wife. They frequently talk about 'x won't be here at Christnas he has to spend it with his wife and children' etc also.

" doing the 'usual' assuming the step mother is a total bitch, birth mother a saint here.... "

absolutely, and I think some of what has been said to you is disgusting and plain spiteful. It happens a lot on AIBU but sadly you are not entirely safe in the Step-parenting board either I have learnt!

Anyway I think what I said before still stands (incase you were blinded by the acid there for a bit)

'So what you have tried here hasn't work out - just need to re-think it. If it's not about the money but about support your DSD the young adult in gaining some independence then try a different tack. Perhaps you could say for 6 months continue to pay whatever the DSD 'portion' of the maintenance was, but pay half of it to her and half to the exw.

You could then have a look at altering the 50/50 split after six months, or reducing the total. It gives the heads up that the maintenance is coming to an end which indeed it must do at some point!! '

Good Luck with it all.

I think if the child has asked about her paternity the ex wife is wrong to continue with the lie.

Ok, this is how I see the situation. The girl is in debt, she is 19 and has already asked the bank for an overdraft. She managed to get herself in debt even while working 2 jobs.

From my point of view, that girl has a problem with keeping her expenses within her budget. Her mum is trying to make her take responsibility for her own mistakes and to learn how to manage her money.

Then OP and H come and tell her that the maintenance money paid to her mum to help support the household is now being paid to her directly, therefore becoming.. more pocket money! while the mum receives less money to cover for more essential expenses of the daughter, like food, acommodation, etc.

Then the mother is demonised for asking the DD to contribute to the household costs and she becomes a cow because she is "frittering the money on god knows what"???

From my point of view, the OP and H are being unreasonable. You know, children of divorce also need to learn about responsibility.

wow, what a ffing mess the exW is making of everyone's lives, good skills

So the bio dad has got off without paying a bloody cent and the ex is demonising your dh for paying to the dd and not her. All the while, lying to her and expecting everyone else to do the same How very sad for your dsd. When will she be told?

The ex sounds a weapon.

And I still think yanbu

it seems quite strange that you have to keep paying maintence to any child whos in full time education, couldnt that be at 25? I think we need to seperate the age when a child becomes an adult more clearly

chandra, no, the maintenance to ex wife has not stopped, it has been reduced, partly so that we are able ot pay an allowance to DSD and partly so that DH can afford to see his DC more often. He is still paying maintenance.

DSD is not 'in debt' to anyone except her Mum for housekeeping, I suspect one of the reasons she is so bad at arranging her finances was that she never had access to any money prior to getting her own job, except £5 a week pocket money and is now going a bit mad. She has also never been given any responsibility and her Mum still refers to her as a child.

geekoftheweek. DH had always believed that DSD would be tolds after her GCSE's. Now his ex is denying this was ever agreed and doesn't want DSD to ever be told, presumably more so since she has directly lied to her face about it. DH (and his parents, and tne ex wife's mother and I) all feel DSD should be told at some point, but now it has gone on so long it's going to very hard for her and the only way to tell her would be to go against her Mum's wishes, which isn't something anyone wants to do.

Tbh, I feel pretty crap. It is true we have made things harder for DSD and that wasn't our intention at all. I do still feel her Mother is being unreasonable, but that doesn't change the fact that DSD is the one who is suffering here and we could possibly change that by 'giving in' and doing what the ex wife wants us to.

I really think she should be told.

I found out similar at 13, I would have been beyond livid if I had been lied to as an adult.

The rights of dsd should come before the wants of her mother.

What a horrible situation.

"it seems quite strange that you have to keep paying maintence to any child whos in full time education, couldnt that be at 25? I think we need to seperate the age when a child becomes an adult more clearly"

It is clear, its when the child is under 19 and in 'non advanced' education ie A levels rather than degree.

Parental income is taken into consideration for university funding until the student is 25 but I think only the RP but iirc the parents can disown their child and their income will not be taken into consideration. NRP don't have to pay maintenence to their ex's when their child is at university.

TBH I think that she should be told at some point that she is not really the DD of your H, but... there shouldn't be a worst time and circumstances to do it than now, when you are quarreling about money.

She should have been told as a child, the older you are the most devastating it is, but there is nothing that could be done about it now. And yes, he is not the birth father but if he chose to adopt this child and treat her as his own, the matter of whether he is his birth father or not is irrelevant IMO.

Blimey what a mess for all of you.

Legally your DH has no responsibility to pay for DSD. She is not his child and he has never adopted her.

Morally it is a different issue and due to the circumstances I would carry on paying the maintenance to the ex for her until she leaves school at the end of June/July.

Maintenance for her paid to the ex should then stop as will the child benefit.

Anything you pay DSD after that would be entirely between yourselves and the ex would not be included at all. Just as any agreement she comes to with DSD would be between them and nothing to do with you and your DH.

As for the issue in that she doesn't know that your DH is not her biological dad, then yes I agree she should be told (would wait until after her A levels). She deserves to know the truth and be told at the same time that it makes no difference to how you all feel about her.

Maybe you could tell the ex that you will continue to the pay the maintenance to her instead and make it clear that you will be telling DSD the truth about the situation once she has left school. Especially as it sounds as if she suspects the truth anyway.

Pretty sure he didn't adopt the dsd. If he had he would be legally obliged to pay.

IMO the matter of the birth father is hugely relevant.

I think the birth father is obviously relevant but their could be complicated reasons.

The child we support is not a sponsored child but actually the child of my dd's stepmother. So I am hardly casting all stp mother's in a wicked light. My husband and I lead a comfortable life and therefore have no need for mone from my ex husband. M ex husband however lives in very little and therefore is not able to pa sufficient child support to his other daughter. We therefore ask for the maintenance for our dd to go to his other dd who needs it more. M husband is fully supportive of that decision and therefore has taken on financial responsibility for my dd. I am sure he would maintain this arrangement if we were to split up as he loved our dd and would not want an of the children to suffer because of adult mistakes.

Does he have parental responsibility? has he been acting like a father to her throughout her life? has he been presenting himself as his father? has he participated in decisions about the welfare of the child now and though out the course of the marriage and afterwards? you know, formally adopted or not, you can't put on and take off the father hat according to the circumstances, if he had only started parenting this girl a few months ago, I would understand but after 19 years?

Midori - IMO YANBU. Your DH is paying over 20% of his income to support your DSD. All he has done is move £50 of that money so its paid directly to the DSD - so actually no change in finance at all, just where its paid to.

Yes, its unreasonable for the BM to ask for £75 from DSD - its £25 more than she got when the whole maintenance was paid to her. Even if she was asking for £10 before the £50 went to DSD, its £15 more than she would be getting. However as its your DSD that is bearing the brunt of this I would put a stop to the current arrangement and go back to how things were until she finishes her A levels. You can then look at an allowance directly to her if and when she goes to Uni.

As per usual, the majority can't be arsed with the facts and are just having a good old time SM bashing - I suppose it diverts them from pack troll hunting for a while - but here is the news. Not every SM is Evil. Not every BM is angelic.

Good Luck and hope it works out for you and DSD.

YABU you shouldn't have reduced maintaince until she finished Alevels. I agree that giving dsd money which you have taken from her mothers maintenance budget and telling her she may have to give it to her mother (which given what you have said here was vv. likely wasn't it) seems unhelpful and a strange thing to do, unless you were trying to make her mother look like the baddie here.

On her 18th birthday her mothers bills or obligation to feed and clothe her did not reduce so why you felt it was OK to reduce the money before she finished her Alevels I don't understand.

You may well have been paying 'over the odds' for school trips etc, I think it is reasonable to explain to the children you can't do this if you no longer feel able to afford these extras, but expecting her mother to survive on less money when her bills and obligations are not reduced is harsh.

mjinhiding wrote:
"Midori, you were mad to think you could post in AIBU as a stepmum and get any form of support at all."

Silly OP stop posting here, unless you like being harassed by the vultures!

Chandra, it sounds like the ops dh has done a bloody good job with the dsd including continued financial support, when, in the eyes of the law he doesn't have to pay a penny.

I think the venom should be aimed at the bio father who has shirked off ALL responsiblity and who is legally obliged to pay.

vespasian, you and your dh sound very generous in what you are doing, unfortunately there are lots that cannot afford to do this and therefore the financial onus should rightly fall to the biological parents.