To Think The Ex Wife Is In The Wrong Here?

[midori1999]

DSD turned 18 a few months back. DSS is 14. DH has been paying over-the-odds maintenance since the split. DSD is not DH's birth child, but he has brought her up as his and treats her exactly the same as his DS, we both do. DSD does not know DH is not her birth father. (DH and I do nto agree with this, but that's another thread)

Anyway, DH had always assumed that maintenance for DSD would end once she was 18. It seems ex wife expected it to end when she finished full time education. Due to this discrepancy, DH and I decided we would reduce the maintenance paid to the ex wife and then give DSD an allowance, and leave the ex wife to take housekeeping from DSD if she wished.

DSD has two part time jobs and takes home approx. £75 per week from these. We agreed with DSD we'd give her £50 a month allowance. We did tell DSD upon agreeing the allowance that her Mum might decide to take the whole £50 in maintenance and that she should respect and adhere to her Mum's decision.

So, DSD recently complained to DH that her Mum wanted £75 a month from her. Tonight, the ex on the phone has told DH that DSD is 'in debt' now as she refuses to pay the maintanance and she wanted DH to agree there and then to stop giving the money to DSD and give it to ex wife each month instead. I don't think DH should do this, especially without speaking to DSD first. The ex also said that DSD had applied for an overdraft and been refused. (probably just as well)

The ex never allows DH any part in decisions made in their children's lives, but always comes to him if there is some problem. She has a very poor relationship with her daughter and I feel DSD's current behaviour (as well as some past behaviour) is a symptom of that. I also feel that DSD has few adults she can trust in her life and DH and I have worked hard to show DSD we think of her as an adult now and make her feel like she can talk to us. I think it would be wrong to now take the allowance from DSD.

Who is in BU here and what would be the best way to deal with this situation?

If you are fortunate enough to afford it orm then no.

Neither myself nor my siblings were supported through uni. We had to get part time jobs and contribute to our keep.

To those mentioned the csa, had they gone through that in the first place his payments would have been zero.

"We did tell DSD upon agreeing the allowance that her Mum might decide to take the whole £50 in maintenance and that she should respect and adhere to her Mum's decision."

So, you give a teenager money. Then you say "We're so lovely giving you this money (even though it's less that we paid for you before), but your evil mother may take it from you"

That is horribly manipulative. Teenagers don't think about electricity bills and food bills, and all she's going to see is physial cash in her hand being taken from her.

You are an unpleasant person. I hope your "D"SD manages without you, and your DSS is seeing how you treat his sister and draws his own conclusions about what kind of a "parents" you and your DH are. Have you even thought about him? They don't know they're not full brother and sister so are you going to stop his money the day he turns 18? Or just set it up so he seems the favoured child?

If you have children then do you think that you could support them entirely on 100 quid a month? If not, why are you pretending that you're being fair?

We certainly couldn't keep our DC in luxury at university, but we'd give them what we could and certainly wouldn't expect them to contribute to the household budget when they were home. If a few £ from us was the difference between them having to take 2 jobs around their studies instead of one, we'd do it.

edam, can you clarify the legal aspect please.

Surely a step parent is not legally obliged to pay maintenence for children that are not theirs.

I get maintenence from ds1 bio dad, if dh and I seperate then how is it right that he, as his step father for the last 8 years, should have to pay for ds1 too

YANBU.

ex has got some cheek expecting to call the shots on money for a child that isnt DHs.

Where is the biological father in all this? Are you sure he isnt paying maintenance also?

Just remind the other posters again - who walked out on who? FFs.

How she charges DSD with respect to board/rent is something they need to sort out. If DSD is being bad with the money then you can advise her. Also - DSD will be in a much better position to judge whether the ex is simply spending the money on herself or if she genuinely needs the money to support DSD and DSS.

(20k kitchen? Your DH is being taken for a mug).

I think that £50.00 does not go very far in a month if you are 18. My son is 13 and we give him £30.00 pcm allowance; I always end up topping it up....

In reality, although DSD may be earning/receiving money from other sources, this will be to pay for her lifestyle, not her living expenses at this age. It sounds as if her mother will still be bearing these.

Until you are prepared to face up to a conversation with your DSD about her true parentage and admit that your DH does not want to fully support her because she is not his, he should continue to pay for her living expenses too; even through university.

It seems to me that there is some cowardice here - your DH seems to think that he is being taken advantage of, but is unwilling to face up to this and have a hard conversation about it with his XW and DSD. In the meantime, £50.00 pcm is just mean if he can afford more.

My thoughs are the same ccp.

The biological father seems to be getting off scot free here.

btw, I don't think this is about paying for a SC ccpccp, DSD does not know she is a SD!! She has to therefore be considered as a DD, unless and until one of the sad, sorry pair has the balls to inform her that she is not!!

Firstly OP this is not about your world, it is about the world of your husband and his family. The mother will have no choice but to contribute more why should it be any different for your husband?

I have seen men try the "I will now pay maintenance to you rather than your mother" line and it is a ruse to pay less money.

Tbh your attitude stinks, talking of the ex wife frittering away money.

As soon as my daughter gets a job and is bringing in what your SD is she will be contributing to the household, I don't think that makes me an awful mother.

I think it is quite unforgivable and cruel that you think the child's biological parenting is a mitigating factor in all of this.

This situation wouldn't happen to a woman though.
How many women would pay money for a child who wasn't biologically theirs and who they hadn't adopted if that child no longer lived with them and they had a difficult relationship with the child's father who had left them for someone else?
If a woman was in this sort of situation I wouldn't blame her for wanting to give the money to the young adult, not their exhusband.
I can't see any woman not discussing with a child who their biological mother was either, unless something weird like egg donation. If it was just that the real mother had gone off you wouldn't pretend to be the mother.
I do think men are stupid for getting themselves into these sort of situations.

DSD isnt DH's daughter, vespasian.

'Unforgivable' and 'cruel' are the sort of emotive words exs use when they are trying to get something for nothing.

Err, this is about the OP's world as it impacts on her, and she is also part of her husband's family.

I think they have stopped the maintenance too soon, and should be doing this post A levels. My Dad stopped my allowance once I'd taken my A levels and I had to get a job and pay keep to my Mum.

OP has the ex remarried, does she pay the mortgage, does she have a job? Does DSD get EMA?

I pay money everymonth to a child that is not biologically mine, the situation is different but still results in money being paid from my bank account to another.

My husband sees my child from a previous marriage as his. I know if we were to ever split he would support our dd. The commitment he shows to our dd is one of the things I love about him and far from making him stupid makes him a decent man.

Of course it impacts on her but she knew about her husband's commitments when she married him. If I were the OP I would think much less of my husband if he suddenly dropped his commitments because I had turned up on the scene. I do agree however that the maintenacne should continue until the child finishes her a levels.

I know ccpccp, my husband is not my dd biological father so I have an insight into this.

The thing I said was stupid was the fact that this man has pretended to be the child's father and he and his ex never told the girl, now age 18 who her real father was.

Would any woman here pretend to be a child's mother and lie to a child until age 18 if the real mother had just not been interested/ not been allowed to be interested?

I was going to say YANBU until you mentioned that DSD is still at school. If she were at uni that would be different, but I feel things should have stayed the same until school was finished with.

I'm sure I would have loved if my Dad had given me my maintenance money as soon as I turned 18. I'm also pretty sure my Mum would not have loved it.

If sponsoring a child in a foreign country etc that is a totally different situation. There is no pretence there at being something you aren't.

"I know if we were to ever split he would support our dd"

Which is what OPs DH is doing (and I would add he has received very little MN credit for it so far)

Good to hear you DH is the same vespasian. How far would you push that generosity though?
Would you take whatever he gave, or would you try and dictate terms? That is what the ex in the OP is doing.

My family situation is different, my dd sees her biological father regularly. SHe knows that my dh is not her biological father. However even though I don't agree with the setup from the OP I can see how it may have arisen. If the biological father was never around and the OPs ex has been there for as long as the child can remember.

I would never pretend to be a child's mother, although to be honest the opportunities for a woman to that are far less. Women don't abandon their children as often as men, leaving way for someone else to step in.

My husband is not ds1 biological father.

If we seperate I will not expect him to financially support ds1 as his biological father already does that.

On a seperate note, I think it is very wrong that, at 18, the dsd doesn't know he isn't her biological father.

I don't know how I would feel about my husband supporting our daughter if we were to split. I do not take maintenance from her biological father so it would feel strange for those reason. I cannot imagine us ever being apart to be honest.

I do know however that my husband would want to remain involved in our lives and would want to contribute to dd's life in all ways including financial.

I am not sure if some people are skimming the thread or deliberately missing details and doing the 'usual' assuming the step mother is a total bitch, birth mother a saint here....

I mentioned that DH was not DSD's bio father in the OP because it is relevant and otherwise, surely all everyone would say is 'legally he has to pay until she is 19' when actually that is not the case. The fact that DH is not DSD's bio father has nothing to do with the change in maintenance, DH has not decided that DSD is no longer his responsibility and he thinks of her in exactly the same way as he thinks of DSS.

We have NOT stopped maintenance payments, we have reduced them. (to £400 a month, plus the 'extras' like school trips, which in the last year amounted to £1800) Prior to this, DH was paying WELL over what the CSA would ask him to pay for two DC, and currently, with all the extras is still paying over the 20% the CSA would ask him to pay, so what exactly is wrong with recuding it?

Yes, we give DSD £50 a month. It is not much, we realise that, but it is what we can afford. This was something DSD wanted and she felt it would give her some much needed independance.

Also, DSD was bought a car by her Mother for her birthday last year. DSD hasn't yet passed her test, and hasn't been able to use the car, yet she was expected to pay for the tax and MOT etc for the car she hasn't yet used out of her part time job. On top of that, her Mum was taking £10 a week from DSD's earnings.

There are lots of other issues here which led to us hoping to provide DSD with some independance, clearly we have fucked everything up. Regardless of what anyone says or thinks though, we were trying to do what was best for DSD. If anyone knew the ex wife, they would know she certainly was not in the room to support DSD during the phone call. Also, she actually asked DH to change the arrangement back without even discussing it with DSD.

I don't think that all stepmother's are evil, my dd's stepmother is fantastic.