to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

Is loving him really enough when he is clearly ruining your confidence? You already seem to think that you don't deserve shoes - imagine how much worse you'll be in a few years if nothing changes?

Mandy you are not a whining nag. You have shown him more patience than he deserves. I think you should be so proud of the fact that you are looking after your daughter so well when you are the only one who is being a responsible parent.

Yes, it must be a difficult adjustment for him, having a child so young etc etc before he has grown up properly. But you are young too and you can do it so there is no reason why he cant. The age is no excuse in my opinion. Many other men grow up because they HAVE to. They would like to be playing games but they accept that their family comes first.

You are clearly not happy with him and you need to get some help. I personally think you need to get out of that relationship but I understand that because you are married and have a child, that will be a complete last resort and you will want to try your best to make it work. But he needs to be trying too.

There has been a lot of great advice from others on this thread. particularly about getting benefits paid to you and getting some control back for yourself.

You can't make someone be the person you want them to be. You have to take them as they are or leave them. He needs to know that if he does not step up to his responsibilities you have the option to leave. You need to make him see that you are not prepared to live this way.

Can you get a small part time job at all? Even a few hours a week would give you some financial independence.
Try to formulate a plan or two. The first plan would be what you want him to do. The second would be your exit strategy if he is unwilling to listen to your needs.

Also I'm not sure that you do "love" him. You have little confidence in his ability to care for your family. You admit to not feeling any warmth or passion from him. You tell us that he does not care for your most basic needs. From your description, he is not entirely fulfilling his parenting responsibilities either. When you tell him you need something, he is unwilling to respond.
In your eyes, what does "loving" him mean to you? What exactly is this relationship giving to you?

I am sure it is scary to think about leaving, especially with your daughter to care for. It should be a last resort....

....but this man has reduced your confidence to absolute zero. you posted on here unsure if you were even worth a cheap pair of shoes. Therefore you value your worth as less that ten pounds? Your comfort is only worth a quarter of a computer game.

It must be hard being a SAHM and losing your financial independence. I have no experience of that so I can't comment too much. But he is taking advantage of your dependence. You have three options - get him to see the light (easier said than done perhaps), or get out of being dependent on him (leave, get help with benefits, then get work), or accept being treated this way and having to ask to spend a pound on a pair of socks.

Your life, your choice. I hope that we can help you on here, even if it is only to provide you with strength and reassurance that you deserve better.

Mandy, he also considers himself to have married down socially, doesn't he? I remember you, your MIL is disappointed that her son married a girl from a council estate who didn't go to university.

I can imagine that if everyone in your life has told you that you're doing a foolish thing, marrying and raising a child so young, that you'd be incredibly reluctant to admit that you're struggling.

But, honestly, love. I can't imagine that he "will think about it". Did you push this? Does he believe that it is his right, as the Great And Wonderful Owner Of The Cock, to decide the household budget? Does he believe that his daughter is your financial responsibility?

Does he, by any chance, still blame you for getting 'yourself' knocked up, and he as the great saviour for doing the noble thing and marrying his working-class girlfriend? Because I suspect that's what's going on - egged on by his Mum, he thinks he's a superior being to you. He made the ultimate sacrifice of marrying you (in his mind, obviously - it's beyond obvious from here that the boy's incredibly lucky to have you), and part of his duty is to turn you into the thrifty, thin, socially-acceptable wife he deserves.

The utter, utter fuckwit.

Mandy
whilst you fix the problems in our relationship, please please at the very least buy yourself some cheap warm boots. I am certain local charity shops will have some, Primark too....I really worry about you going cold as the weather worsens. If you get ill, your LO suffers, so remember looking after yourself = looking after her too!

All the best

Mandy this thread has made me really sad.

I want to give your DH the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he just doesn't realise the cost of running a house and raising a daughter. Lots of people have very little idea if they are not the person having to spend the money.

However, my DH doesn't have the faintest idea what things cost but the contrast with your husband is enormous. He would never refuse me something if I said I needed it and he would gladly give up every last penny of his money for me/the children.

There are so many issues with what you have posted that I don't know where to start, but deep down I think you must know whether this is naivity on his part or something more cruel. You have received good advice on here, please take some of it.

In the meantime I would really like to send you something. I spend an embarassing amount of money on myself and it would give me far more pleasure to know that you had something. Consider it an early Christmas present. Please, please inbox me your address.

Although I said before I hoped it wasn't a serious problem,I'm really worried by his reaction to you raising it, and by your other posts. I hadn't read any of your other threads.
You are being dragged down here. You're worth so much more. If he won't change his attitude, I think you would be a lot better off out of it or it will just get worse. Please keep posting and reading.

Oh love, this is so sad. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and a brilliant mum. You are a good wife too and your husband is not a nice person, nor a good dad nor a good husband. He will think about allowing you some clothes? This is not right. Your husband should be putting you before himself. Please please please listen to everyone on here. Let them help you. You get some clothes and give the sender a nice helping glow. This is not how a marriage is and you owe it to yourself and your daughter to stop putting up with being bullied.

:(

Why do you love him Mandy? What are his good points?

Tbh I reckon you don't love him, it sounds like you think so little of yourself that you'll accept anything from him. I can't imagine why else you're with him. Xx

Mandy for Gods sake woman stand up for yourself.

Tell this wanker you married that instead of going out and buying games lake a wanked up 15 year old he is going to have to give you money for clothes, you can get a lot of nice things from primark and as it is getting cold you are going to need something warmer them leggings and sandles.

Can you not use some of your child benefit or tax credit to get clothes?

Does he not care if you are cold/look scruffy?

Wow what a waste of space you married.

What size are you and where do you live?

I have size 6 feet...and have too many shoes (not expensive ones) if you're interested? They were only going to get charity shopped soon anyway.

This sounds a lot like my parents marriage. My Mum had to manage with practically nothing [even when she worked full time] whilst my Dad bought expensive clothes and things for his hobbies.My Mum thought she wasn't entitled to anything better.
You do have to stand up for yourself. Don't ask for permission, start spending some money on yourself. As others have said it doesn't have to be a lot of money, clothes are so cheap at Primarks, Peacocks and the Supermarkets. Just 2 or 3 new outfits will boost your self confidence.
Best of luck.

You dh does not seem to know what love is. How can he let you dress in rags, and buy himself games and such things?

He needs to pay you for half of any expenses for your child. Like the coat you just bought. She is his child too.

Does he not realize how many men would love a beautiful girl like you to be waiting for them at the end of a day? Men who would give you proper support, and would not ever dream of letting you go without decent, everyday, sensible clothing? I cannot get over him not putting clothing for you and your child in the household budget!

Shoes, clothing, those are not treats, they are essentials. You are not living in some third world county, barefot and pregnant! You cannot even get yourself a part time job to pay for the things he doesn't, as how are you to apply for a job in tights and sandals, in October?

I strongly recommend you do find yourself a job, maybe one with a uniform, as you can't count on him it seems.
He is being controlling, and self centered.
You both need to have some councilling, he needs to realize if he wants games and such stuff he better get another job, because he has a family to take care of.

Please accept the helping hands up that are being offered to you.

You can pay it forward someday, and help another young woman improve her life.

Mandy, I have private mailed you.
Please accept, you'd be doing ME a favour.
Honestly.

Please read this thread again from start to finish, have a good look at your photos, you are beautiful and come across as a lovely girl and a fantastic mum.

Accept the help offered and start to feel good about yourself again.For yours and your DD's sake.

Mandy your husband is a selfish, childish arse.

If this your daughter, or a friend, even, if she turned round and said to you, "My husband only allows me X amount to spend on food, he only allows me X amount to spend for the month on everything our child and I need, he knows how little I have, and is happy to buy computer games instead" - would you not hit the roof? Would that not sounds abusive, controlling, neglectful of his resposibilites to you?

He is taking the piss, and needs to grow up. I would put it down purely to his age, but seeing as you have shown him what you have to wear and he said he would think about letting you get more, just says to me is a dick, and would be if he was 22, 52 or 102.

Please, talk to someone in real life. You will hear the same things you have on here, but you need to hear them face-to-face I think to make you realise this is unacceptable and just not normal. Has no one commented on you being unsuitably dressed? I'm not being funny, but surely someone must have mentioned how cold you must be.

You need to have serious words with your so-called husband. You need to tell him that he needs a kick up the arse, and that this is what that is. He is a father, and a husband, and an adult, and he needs to start to acting up to those roles. Video games are not a priority; you having warm clothes so you don't freeze to death is.

Set yourself up your own account, and contact CB - tell them the money needs to go into your account, its circumstances like this it was created for.

I know all this must be horrible to hear, but he is not a nice person. I am two years younger than you, and even the lads I know my age and younger who are fathers know how to budget correctly - and that means clothes for everyone, not clothes and video games for themselves and a bit left over for their other half.

Take care of yourself.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt initially, I have known known plenty of young men in their early 20s who are largely selfish and ignorant of the realities of general household/children costs. They need the facts and figures shoved under their noses.

You need to insist that he finds you an emergency £50 IMMEDIATELY to buy the essentials you need now. If he doesn't listen, show him this thread. HE needs to treat it like a boiler/car emergency- beg or borrow it from somewhere. You need boots, jeans and warm jumper/coat.

While you are sitting down you need to have an assertive discussion about the real household budget. Do you shop online? Maybe you should jointly sit down and put in an order together so he becomes aware of how much things cost.

I know you love being a SAHM but is there a way that you can make any extra income at all? It would give you some more self esteem and allow you to feel you can be more assertive when discussing family finances.

Also I would schedule a regular evening/half weekend day where you DH has the sole care of your daughter. It sounds likely that he is also blissfully unaware of the responsibilities this entails. Also it means that this is a time that he HAS to look after her and he may have to 'sacrifice' some of his spare time.

Hopefully he is just young and dumb and will come good. My current DH readily admits that he would have been a completely useless/selfish father if he had become a dad at 21. Time and life has changed him into a far more responsible and caring man 15 years later. So there is hope for you...but he has to grow up fast!

OP - have read through the whole thread and am so sorry you're in such a really difficult position. I think you do need to go through finances with your DH as the others have suggested and (i) get him to repay to you the rent arrears which he is responsible for (so you get that £ back in your pocket), (ii) get him to appreciate that DD is a joint expense - as with food and rent and utilities some more should be apportioned from your monthly budget for her clothes and activities, (iii) get him to appreciate the food budget is too tight and always overspent - take him shopping with you if need be so he can see this first hand and (iv) explain how you feel about all this as eloquently as you've explained to us all on here. You guys need to talk, and he needs to listen, for changes to happen - and they do need to happen.

Love isn't all thats needed for a marriage, others posters are right your daughter needs to see her father puts family first. If he had to pay maintanence, the csa would not ensure he had a £100 per month to put toward games and toys.

Seriously, its easy to fall into a trap of "managing" till you get to the point where you can't and end up where you are now

And Mumsnet has some sensible advice - it would never have occurred to me to ask dh to contribute toward childcare as I felt it was my responsibility to pay for despite earning a lot less than he does. Realising that others work relationships differently is a good thing Take the good advice you have been given to heart and tell him a few home truths. Or failing that steal all his socks so you can fit into his shoes and nick his pajamas whilst your there.

I don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Not at all.

He is being utterly selfish and he's getting away with it.

Present him with a bill every week for what you do - cooking cleaning taking dd out, changing nappies or whatever. Then tell him that's how much it would cost him if you weren't there to do it for him. Tell him he'd better start appreciating your contribution and that not everything is measured in money. Tell him that your clothes, dd's trips and all the rest are family costs and that the 'left over' money is there to pay for all of that as well. This means that if there's any left over at the end of the month then he might be able to buy himself a game but he might not BECAUSE KNICKERS ARE MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT.

Sorry, got cross.

Bloody hell this gets worse :(

Mandy the issue really is that you do not have £260 'spends' between you after essentials each month. You have less than that, once you take the things you need to buy for your DD into account, and the fact that you are having to top up the weekly food budget out of the Child Benefit money. You perhaps have more like £150 between you, maybe less.
Reduce the amount of food you buy, give him smaller portions - let him suffer the impact of his own stupid budgeting and then see what happens.

When you went into rent arrears, what was that about? Him not paying the bills on time? And why not, because he wanted some clothes or a PC game?

I'm sorry but he is a fucking twat, 'he'll think about it' - WTF? When you have no clothes??

Utter, utter prick.

Does he work ?

He'll think about it? Really?! He can see that you only have sandals in October and he's prepared to walk out of the house and spend money on himself? How can he say he cares about you and do that?

If you had a friend - not even your best friend, just one of your friends - who was standing in the freezing cold in sandals, with absolutely no money to buy new shoes, and you had £50 in your pocket, what would you do? Would you say "oh that's a shame" and walk off and spend it on frivolous things, or at the very least would you loan them some of the money so they could keep their feet warm? I think most people here would help out someone they knew like that, so why won't he do it for the woman he loves and the mother of his child?

My mum gave me some money recently when we moved house - it went on shoes and new work trousers for my husband, because he needed them. It wasn't even as dire need as yours, he had others but they were scruffy and didn't fit well. But that money went on his need before my wants, because that's the way a marriage should work.

No kind of love is worth sacrificing your self-respect, and no one who loves you would ever seek to degrade you in the way that your husband is doing.

Mandy, you are clearly a lovely, kind, intelligent woman with a big heart. Now you just need to grow a big set of balls and you will be unstoppable Because your H isn't going to grow up unless given a short, sharp shock. It's easy for him to be 'devastated' at the thought of losing you, because simply feeling something doesn't require him to make any actual effort to sort things out.

Regardless of the problems your mum is having, I bet you any money that if she knew what was going on she would be horrified and outraged. And that might help you to see that the situation is very wrong. Please tell her. I know I'd want my DC to tell me, no matter what.