to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

Mandy this has made me feel so sad. Your a year younger than me and myself and dh never have much left after bills etc in a month but dh would never, ever spend money on games and make me pay for ds's things and food etc! I feel like punching your dh, sorry. I can't bear the thought that he is letting you walk around in sandals in the freezing cold and won't even buy you a mop. Really, really angry for you. Please tell someone about this speak to woman's aid or similar. Is there a relative you can talk to? I hope you can sort this by just talking to your dh but he sounds mean. You need to tell him that you want a joint bank account that all the living expenses go out of, food, bills, rent and stuff for dd. Then, open an account for yourself and have your child benefit go in it. Please stand up to him about this. And let us know how you get on.

P.S. I have 4 pairs of walking trainers and would happily send you a pair if we're the same size. Also some trousers I would happily part with. Just post your sizes.

YY to marrying up.

I am considerably larger than you I reckon OP, but might be able to help on the shoe front?!

Checked out your profile pics. I reckon a size 10/12, sadly I havent been that size since pre children, but am a size 6 shoe and I have boots that havent been worn! Come on lovey, let us help you out.

Shoes, handbags, hair products, makeup, toiletries, clothes... I buy far too much of, yes i do frequent S&B too.

Also a SAHM, my DH would never, ever leave me with no decent clothes or shoes or our children with no winter coat.

Oh, gosh yes, eyes up collection of boots "bargains" taking up the dressing table - make up, smellies, toiletries, hair stuff.......I'm suspecting if your wardrobe situation is bad these things are probably non existant.

Please post sizes Mandy :) don't be embarrassed or feel unworthy of help. I'm not quite a size 10/12 yet, comfortable 14, but I'd happily go out and buy you a top/pair of jeans/frilly knickers/shoes, whatever. So sad reading this thread. You're young, beautiful, and worth much more than holy leggings!

Come on [chants] sizes sizes sizes please? :)

Mandy, I remember a while ago you posted about how little attention your partner gives you or your dd. So you are aware that his behaviour is unacceptable, yet you let him away with it. You are indeed a beautiful girl, and it seems this man is has you exactly where he wants you! We can all advise you what it looks like from the outside, guessing it isn't much better on the inside. Please stand up to him for your DD's sake if not your own. This isn't a healthy relationship. Good luck

Lordy Mandy... you look like a fecking supermodel and your DH looks like Wayne Rooney.

Please post your size so we can send you stuff. Parcels of clothes arriving may hopefully shame your DH into something good.

You are younger than my daughter by 2 years and I would weep if I thought her DP was treating her like that

Just stop and think for a minute - if this was your daughter talking to you in a few years time about the way her partner was treating her and your granddaughter, what would you say to her?

Because at the moment she is watching you as she grows up and learning from what you do - she is going to think this is normal and what she should expect too...

If you don't want your daughter to suffer in the same way you are, try thinking of her when you talk to your dh about how you are partners, you are not his slave to be dished out a pittance while he fritters money on games instead of buying essentials for all the family. and get your dh to think of how he would feel if somebody treated your dd like he is treating you.

Does your dh have to account for every penny he spends by the way?

Please listen to everyone and let them help you out. It will help you feel more positive about yourself. I'm now in my early 40's and am living the result of a long term emotional abuse relationship through my 20's. I have virtually no self esteem and constantly question my value and worth.

Although I'm now reasonably successful in my work life I still question whether I'm any good. In my personal life however, it is virtually non-existent as I don't think I'm good enough to be with anyone in a relationship and think that friends wouldn't really want to see me as I'm boring and no good. I know that this has happened because of the drip feed of emotional abuse from expecting me to provide him with money, clothes, food, pay mortgage whilst he didn't really work or 'developed' another business idea that didn't work to the point that I happily handed over money, paid wages for others rather than buy things for me. Other things he did were to undermine me in public; telling me that I was fat (size12-14 at the time); telling me people didn't really want me around etc.

At that time I believed every word and felt that I needed to try harder to change and please him. Through reflection and some counselling I know that there was nothing wrong with me, but I'm yet to fix the lost self esteem and I?ve been out of that relationship for over 10 years. Still working on that.

I?m a lurker on Mumsnet but something you said made me need to respond. I used to say my other half wasn't that bad when people questioned things he did or said to me.

Looking back I was wrong. Please don't let this happen to you.

I have not read all the posts, but can you not get a mop bucket, DD's coat and other clothing needs and some of yours from the supermarket - then it comes under 'food shopping'?

Your situation is totally unacceptable. Computer games should be the last thing on the list. Basic clothes are necessities, not luxury spends. Supermarkets do very reasonable prices on clothes and shoes, you could get some jeans from Asda for only a few quid. You can get two jumpers for a tenner in tescos. I got trainers for a fiver in Tescos. Draw out the shopping money in cash. Buy all tesco value food. Do not buy any beer luxuries or such like. Use the difference to stock up on clothes.

I can be sure that he is not going round without shoes on or without jeans. Expecting you to freeze is ridiculous.
You need to draw up a new budget together which allows you to buy basic necessities for yourself. It sounds like you are very stretched for cash so you are not asking for much, just to get cheap knickers/socks/jumpers from the budget range.

If he complains about this he clearly does not love you. I would not want someone I loved to be going around freezing cold if I could stop it by giving up one computer game. They cost £40 quid each usually. for £40 quid you could get a pair of cheap jeans, two jumpers, a pair of trainers, a 5 pack of cheap knickers, a few new socks and a couple of bits out of a charity shop.
If he would rather have a computer game than provide you with this then the mind truly boggles.

What happens to the child benefit? It should be paid directly into your account? Are you getting it? (sorry if I missed this...)

Just a thought

Are you claiming any kind of working family tax credit etc. I don't know how much he earns but many families who could claim don't.

Or housing benefit?

Ok, seen it - the child benefit goes on food, and your money is spent on your dd.

So, the child benefit is for your dd. The food money has to come from the main budget. Keep your receipts. And then you/dh get what's left.

Sit down and tell him that the cb is for the things your dd needs and if she doesn't need anything that month then SAVE it, build up your own pot of money. If he won't give you more money for the food budget, don't top it up, feed him lidl and lentils, nothing wrong with that, if he's happy with the budget. KEEP THE CB. It is paid to the carer of the child (usually the mother) to stop this kind of thing from happening.

You also need to stop paying for things for your daughter out of your spending money. That needs to come out of your JOINT money before the leftovers are split 50/50. Other people have already explained this, he is also jointly responsible for her upkeep. The rent should also be paid before you divide up the income.

Does he have a bit of a "problem" with the computer gaming? I mean, does he spend way too long on it, does he "need" to play computer games? It really sounds unusual for a man to put computer games ahead of his wife and child. Perhaps there is an addiction problem that needs to be dealt with? I say this because a value mop and a cheap pair of jeans are so inexpensive that any reasonable man would not object to you having them. Is he fixing the budget deliberatly to feed his gaming obsession?

I'm sorry I'm only just coming back to the thread, I felt a bit overwhelmed by the responses to be honest. I wasn't really expecting it. I don't speak to anyone in real life about it, I don't want to tell my friends because I feel like I'm being disloyal and they don't really understand anyway, and my mum, well she has plenty of her own problems and I don't want her to think bad of DH. It really stunned me how you have all reacted, it's strange how unfamiliar it felt to have those things said to me about how I'm valuable and don't deserve it. It felt so comforting to actually see people say that I wasn't asking too much and that I'm not worthless.

I am not completely sure what to say to DH, I have told him that I'm not happy about the situation and I laid out my possessions in front of him. I told him how its stopping me from seeing my friends because I feel so scruffy and insecure, and he said that he'll think about it.

It was me, yes, who posted previously about the lack of attention I get/my insecurities. I am quite sad about things to be honest.

In answer to the size question, I'm a 10-12 and size 6 feet. But as kind and generous as you all are I really can't take your lovely tthings from you, I don't want to be that person who needs help, I want to be the one helping others.

I hope you all know how much the things you said have meant to me, maybe I'm not quite as worthless as I felt this morning.

Oh Mandy can't you see that he is probably making you feel worthless by keeping you in this state? You are NOT worthless. At all. You are doing a brilliant job of taking care of your daughter despite the fact that you are the only one who is actually taking responsibility and acting like a grown up. You are doing really well.

It isn't enough to say you "aren't happy". You MUST say that you WONT tolerate this situation and if the budgeting priorities are not changed you will NOT stay in a relataionship where you are forced to go without your very basic needs. It sounds like in your family computer games are not affordable so they must go. Especially if your little girl has no coat. If computer games are above her in the list then something is badly wrong.

If you leave him he will have to cough up maintenance and you can spend it however you like. It isn't the easy option though.

You sound like an intelligent woman who can manage finances. Draw up a monthly budget which would work. Tell your husband that this is how it will have to work.

For goodness sake what sort of answer is "we'll see" when you have no bloody shoes?! No shoes, when it is the beginning of winter.

Please please please tell someone in real life. Why don't you want your mum to think badly of your husband? He is behaving badly. Also, you will always come before him as far as your mum is concerned. Whatever she thinks of him normally, her loyalties should lie with you. Perhaps she can help you, especially if things do not improve and you need to leave him. Please think about confiding in your family. Aren't they aware that you have no clothes to wear?

You are NOT being disloyal at all. You need to stand up for yourself and for your daughter. Your needs are being sidelined to pay for his little adolescent hobby. I am sure your mum and your friends would be just as outraged as we are if you showed them that you had no shoes, no proper trousers, and only four pairs of pants. Try it and see please, preferably tomorrow morning. It will be hard, but be brave.

He said he'd think about it? I'm sorry but I'm just flabbergasted at this man. Please be strong and make sure you stand up for yourself Mandy. I think it has done good for you to come on here tonight so that you can realise how badly you are being treated and how much more you deserve. This is a man who is supposed to love you and be your number one fan and make you feel special and he is not doing that at all. Keep coming back on this thread, you can talk to people on here and most people want to help if we can.I can't stand thinking on a woman being in your position and I really hope that you can put your not so dh in his place before he grinds you down even more.

Hello.

I only came to this thread and I want to echo what everyone else on here has.

Please get some help for you and your DD.

It is not right that you have no clothes and he is spending money on computer games.

I'm so sorry to read this. If your age on your profile is right I'm only a year older than you :(

We have no children, my partner and I. I have 3 or 4 games consoles from years ago, not bought recently, I'd love to buy new games.
I got some money recently. The first thing I bought was a winter coat and two warm hoodies - for him. I need clothes too but not nearly as much as he did. The rest of the money will be spent on food. We are a couple and atm money is tight, so it's all shared. Games are not a priority...
I am so sad for you that he doesn't see this.

I really hate to say this - but are you happy with him? He doesn't seem to value your daughter. I know that sounds horrible, but how can he think she is only your responsibility? For goodness sake, my partner and I will jointly buy my nephew's birthday and Christmas presents, he's not even my partner's family!
Parenting is a joint responsibility, surely he understands that?

I agree with all the posters saying find a way to control the money. CB into your account, whatever. Sorry if this has been answered, but is it only him that works? Are you a SAHM? Is part-time work a way of taking back some control? Stabbing in the dark here.

Please don't just accept it. If nothing else, talk to people. I don't know if it would help at all but I'm emailable, facebookable and msnable, so please message me if you need someone to talk to. I'm in York, if you're desperate I'd even come and visit (with gifts of underwear!)

Please please don't think you have no value.

My daughter has the things that she needs,so I hope nobody worries about that. I always make sure that I put her first, and she never goes without. I went and bought her a lovely new winter coat tonight and she has all of the things she needs, I feel like I can't do enough for her. I am probably over compensating but knowing that she is comfortable and well looked after makes me feel better if you know what I mean.

My mum would definitely be outraged, but she has so many problems of her own, I don't want her to worry about me when there isn't much she can actually do.

He is very immature, I can see that. He hasn't really shaken off his teenage life yet, and I am waiting for him to be the man that I want him to be. I want a man who will look after me and be mature and together. I really hope that he will become that man, I just don't know how to go about helping him to get there...it seems like such a long road and at the moment he can't see what's wrong with the situation, so at this point, in his eyes I feel I will just be a whining nag.

Sorry, lots of X Posts there.

Yes I am a SAHM, although I am hoping to find an evening job in the new year.

Am I happy with him? Sometimes. I know I could be happier, and I often feel envious of other peoples relationships and that is pretty significant isn't it. I have posted about him and our relationship before, I love him desperately, but never feel warmth and passion from him. But he is always devastated at the prospect of losing me, so I just don't know.

Thankyou skyrg for your lovely message, it sounds like you have a very loving relationship. Reading what you wrote made me feel all warm, but then sad because I realise how much I want that kind of relationship.

I glad you know how it was intended, bit worried you'd think I posted it as a 'look how lucky I am' post, but it was just a comparison with people of a similar age. I have to say if he treated me like you are treated my mother would get hold of him and he would never be seen again!

I'm sorry, but if your daughter sees her father having whatever he wants while her mother buys her everything and struggles to buy clothes for herself, it's almost as bad as your daughter going without, imo. Undervalues you, her mother, and suggests he values his games over his daughter. I don't want to sound harsh, but I feel strongly that children pick up things like that.

I don't know how old she is atm, but if this continues she will notice one day.

This thread worries me, tbh, because I know my mother was very unhappy with my father and it took her years to regain self-confidence. I'm not saying you're in this situation, but I just don't want it to happen to someone else :( He may never change, and you sound like such a fantastic person.
What I'm saying is, if you love him and are happy, that's great, you can probably solve the other problems. But if this is something else and you don't want to be with him, I hope you have the confidence to see it through and realise that you're worth more.