to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

He's spending the money on GAMES??!!! What a selfish tosser. He needs to grow up.

My god he is a twat.

I'm a SAHM, and we split the 'pocket money' 50/50 too - but that is after all the bills have been paid, money gone into savings, and the money for food, family days out, things for the house and things for DS has gone into the joint account. Then we split what is left.
I'm pregnant and have needed to buy maternity clothes, so we have actually split 70/30 in my favour for the last couple of months and will continue to do so until Christmas so that I can buy myself enough to wear over the winter. And that was DH's suggestion, not mine.

You need to sit down and go through the budgets with him - does he ever do the shopping with you to know how much things cost? £60 a week is a very low amount, I couldn't shop for the three of us for that much, not including cleaning things/toiletries etc. Does he know how much you have to spend on things for DD, how much her shoes are, how much a winter coat for her is?

I am a player of computer games, so I understand the 'ooh I would love to buy X game', but how does he have the time to play enough that he needs new games all the time? Please don't tell me that he sits and plays games while you do all the cooking, childcare, tidying in the evening? Does he?

He sounds like a complete arse tbh, not a nice man at all.

Before he gets home tonight, please round up all your dh's shoes, boots etc and hide them, leaving just one pair of sandals for him to wear tomorrow. Remember to take the shoes he's been wearing today away too so they are not available for tomorrow.

Do you know for definite that his clothes are not coming out of the household expense money - would be worth checking.

Definitely need to make sure that you have access to a joint account that is for all your joint purchases - bills, food, dd expenses, travel etc

Your dh also needs to realise that at the moment food prices are all over the place - lots of basic things have gone up quite significantly over the last year or two so that just because he decided £60 was enough to feed you all at one point, doesn't necessarily mean that it will be this week or next week. OK so some things have got cheaper too but those things seem to be getting fewer. Also as your dd gets older she is going to want to eat more and might need more different foods that cost a bit more.

Have you checked out moneysavingexpert.com? Lots of ways of cutting costs, and bargains to be had. Sign up for the weekly newsletter, will help you to spot good deals and bargains.

And definitely remember that if his actions are making you and your dd suffer, then he needs to suffer too!

Jesus. If everything you've said is true which I'm sure it is, just ... Christ.

Jesus. If everything you've said is true which I'm sure it is, just ... Christ.

He is a very selfish immature teenager and far from a gentleman. How can he let you go to the shop wearing sandles and let you go through this winter with hardly any clothes whilst he sits and plays his flash new non essential computer games? How much can he really love you to treat you so badly? My husband would never place me in such a bad situation.

Split the money 3 ways I agree but only after paying all the bills including mops, gates etc ...

I have a tiny weekly income of 38 pounds plus child benefit/working tax credits - which i use for all mine and the kids needs, activites, Xmas pressies, petrol and birthdays. DH gives me food money and he does all the bills plus DIY/building costs. Any extra out-goings we discuss as I'm happy to help if I have spare money but it's not very often.

I think you should show him these posts.

OP, what shoe size are you? I've just cleared out a bag of shoes - size 6 - and was wondering what to do with them. Send me a message if you're interested.

1. Do you have the CB money as well?

1. Three choices really: he becomes reasonable, you take in ironing and don't share one single penny with him thus gaining some financial independence or you leave him.

Shocked and with sympathy - mine was tight at the stage when dc's were tiny and I wasn't working but it used to come to a point where I got tatty (and never would have asked) that he used to leave a some dosh on the kitchen table and tell me to tidy myself up!!!

my dh can be a real tight arse so i know what your going through

dh thought £100 would be enough to buy me a whole new wardrobe after ds was born! i had nothng that would fit anymore, no knickers, no bra's, no trousers, tops, skirts. and all my maternity stuff was worn threadbare as i only had 5 items, two trousers, three tops. he had no problems spending a fortune on crap he wanted.

i also had no access to any money except what dh put into the "joint" account, all our money was in his main account and he doled out money when i begged asked for it.

i moaned about it on here and took the other MNers advice and got dh to set a standing order up to my private account, on pain of divorce.
i still don't have access to all the money and he is a lazy bastard who won't phone the bank to put my name on all the accounts, it's always 'i'll phone them tomorrow if i have time' but the situation is better than it was.

take the advice you are offered. hope the situation gets better for you.

YANBU

Had this argument with DH the other day. I need to get back into work, but have been out for about 5 years, so need some nre clothes, just one decent interview outfit hat is not jeans or manky polo necks; I need my haird doing as at present look like big dark rooted scarcrow and I have a cap missing so on on my my front bottom teeth look crap. He does not GET in any way shape or form why I needs these things to feel confident about stepping back into work.

£ is very tight, but I just can't go after jobs looking and feleing like a tramp!

Safety gates and things for the house should be both your responsibility. If he's going to be petty then tell him he owes you money for those things. Games and other luxury items should obviously come after necessities like clothes. What a prick! Show him this thread.

Lovely ladies, I'm a little inspired by your generous offers to help the OP. I don't wish to hijack, but would any of you consider offering some of your surplus items on the "for free" topic in the Classified section, here

I'm willing to bet that OP is one of many MNers going without at the moment, and something that doesn't fit her may be just the boost that another MNer needs.

Sorry for the interruption. As you were. [hgrin]

I have a feeling op that this may be the start of something far more sinister as another poster said if judging purely on looks your dh married "up" and correct me if I am wrong butndid you not post recently about him saying you needed ton watch your weight of similar. If so then I truly believe this is the start of a drip by drip plan to diminish your self esteem and keep you where he wants you without you realising yourntrue worth.

Please start to stand your ground firmly now and he will soon reveal his true colours and either change to be the dp you deserve or you will realise you are worth far more and leave him.

tomme you are right.

Mandy it was you who posted saying that your DH had told you you were overweight and needed to lose some wasn't it?

You are young, slim and beautiful. He is young, overweight and not beautiful. He knows this, and is therefore putting you down to stop you realising that you could do so much better.
The irony is that if he didn't behave like such a twunt towards you, you wouldn't want to do any better.

Please do have a really hard think about all this, and think about where you want to be in 10 years time.

bamboo you can't add another name onto an account on the phone. go in the bank with him with your id and get it done. arrange to have lunch in town or whatever with him and oh look there's the bank let's get the joint account sorted..

Sorry Fuzzy but I personally would prefer to help someone out like Mandy rather than any old Tom, Dick or Harry who could not actually be in need. Sorry and all that but as I said my personal opinion others may disagree.

mandy i'd like to think your dh just hasn't a clue. however, i kind of think he probably does. and you know he does, and that's probably why you don't feel entirely comfortable having this out with him.

what's your situation? are you on maternity leave due to go back to work? or sahm? anyway, if i were you i'd look at getting an evening job. pop off to work a few evenings a week. leave him to sort the house and your baby out. that's what i do. i go to work at 5, as my dh gets in, and i come home about 10.30pm. marvellous. even if going to work isn't an option, look at joining a gym (council gym is only about £25 a month on a rolling contract) or something that gets you away from all this. evening college course? i dunno. just something. don't be so reliant on him for everything

Mandy hope you are ok.

Please come back to us and let us all know how you are feeling and if you feel that you can manage to have a chat with DH.

We are all here to support you.

Mandy,

When it is his birthday or Xmas buy yourself something nice to wear instead of something for him. If he complains, tell him you are adopting his principle that it is a waste of money. Also save money on non-essential washing (his), feeding (him). Also remind him that bedroom activity is non-essential so will be cut back(smile)

This is just so sad. You are so so young, do you want to spend the next 50 years living like this? This man is not in charge of you. You are equals. He has no right to say who gets what money and how much is spent on food, etc.

DH earns all the money as I am a full time sahm. He pays all the bills then gives me 95% of what is left plus I get child benefit. I never have to justify what I spend and he would not have it if he knew I was getting by on 4 pairs of pants and sandals in October.

Have only read first page, but YANBU.

What size feet do you have? I have plenty of shoes/boots and happily send you some.

This is a ridiculous situation.

Feel free to PM me OP.

Mandy My P was like this a few years back when I was first on maternity leave with DC1. IT was very but all a part of his otherwise abusive behaviour. If you aren't happy, this is grounds for divorce (unreasonable behaviour)

I have many size 6 and size 5 mostly unworn or nearly unworn shoes- they're all in a huge suitcase on top of a wardrobe and I'll never use them, I'd love to send them on if you'd let me- send me a message on here if you'd like them

Mandy, please post your sizes so people can help you if possible. I can't speak for others, but I have way more clothes than I know what to do with. I also have a ridiculous shoe fetish. And I would bet I'm not the only one ( no offence ladies but I frequent the S&B board, there are some shopaholics around!)

I will be clearing out over the weekend and would be happy to send you stuff you need. I'm a shoe size 6, and have clothes in sizes between a 10 and a 14.

Let us help, please.

And, finally, YANBU! I'm not much older than you (24, been married since I was 20, with hubby since 17) and he would never do this to me.

Right love, I mean this in the nicest possible way but he is a shithead and you need to grow a pair.

You have a CHILD together FFS. That means that all the money he earns is yours too because you stay at home to look after that child - it's a team effort.

You need to sit him down and tell him what you just told us and tell him that he needs to change his account to a joint one and you will both discuss - like grown ups - what you need to buy every month. Any money left over (after everyone has clothes and footwear) can be spent on something you BOTH agree on.

If he doesn't like this arrangement then please get out now and save yourself years of getting ground down even further.

I suspect you may be with a little boy and you deserve a man.

I would really like to help you out. Please let us know what size you are, I will send you some stuff, anything you don't like you can bin/e bay/charity.