to have wanted to scream, :"F**K YOU!!!!!" at a woman at playgroup today?!

[Diziet]

OK, just having a rant here, getting it off my chest type of thing...
We were all giving our DC snacks at around 11 - some of the older ones start nursery at 12.10 so it makes sense. My DS decided he didn't want his sandwiches. I said to him, "you can't have chocolate spread EVERY day, sweetheart!". Then I heard one of the other mums say, "oh, I don't give mine anything like that".
Wanted to say: "F**K YOU!! Not everyone is lucky like you and has children who are good eaters.
Some of us are grateful for our children to eat ANYTHING."
But I didn't. I gathered my son and my's belongings and we went home. He is munching his chocolate spread sandwiches (on WHITE BREAD - HA!!!!) with deafening slowness as I type.
I will return once I've dropped him at Nursery.

OP - I totally understand where you are coming from. I often have a voice inside my head shouting the things that I would actually like to be saying out loud!

No matter what spin is put on it, the vast majority of smug self-praising comments of this type ARE intended to imply that the speaker is better than the person being spoken to.

The problem is that while most of us would quite happily tell the other person what we thought of them if we were out and about without children, there is a bit of a "pas devant les enfants" expectation where children are present so we grit our teeth and don't respond as we probably should. This means that a lot of judgemental, competitive, spiteful women get away with judgemental, competitive, spiteful comments just because they are mums.

When my son was about 5 1/2 months I went to a session on weaning at our local surestart. There was a woman there who kept on and on and on and on about how well breastfeeding was going and how "they" wanted her to keep breastfeeding for a long time because she had so much milk and how she didn't understand how people could claim it was difficult. I mix-fed for 3 months after massive difficulties, so was having problems keeping my mouth shut. When the HV (who knew us well)said something to me about the insane amount of formula my son was drinking at that time (he was a bit of a local legend!)she snorted and said "Well if I shoved a bottle in x's mouth I am sure I could make her drink it all too."
How I didn't climb across the table and lamp her, I do not know. I can assure you that "F**k you!!!!!" was the politest thing running through my mind at that point.

I have had such a different experience weaning DD3. She will accept anything and so homemade healthy food just isn't a problem. She enjoys it and it is good to see. I feel like a good parent.

With DD2 it was a siege from the beginning. She objected to tastes, textures. She would only eat cheese.

i think they are\ predisposed to it - but environmental factors come into play too, inevitably.

Thanks Spero I now know that the fact that DS# is still in nappies because of poor parenting and aren't you clever cos your dc's don't piss the bed. Nice!

I am literally PRAYING that DC3 will be the same as yours commandercool. Another DD1 and I'll be in the loony bin.

Hobnobs. Sigh.

I am trying to make the point that to make sarky comments about how I feed my child is on a par with me making sarky comments back about how her six year old is not toilet trained.

It is not nice or fair. These kind of comments are NOT made by happy, secure parents, but as Kungfupanda so excellently said, smug wankers.

She may not have used those exact words, but I trust I am true to her sentiments.

O and LadyB, of course I am defensive. I thought I had made it clear this is the problem parents like me have with parents like you?

Oh having a picky eater is a nightmare. When ds1 regressed he stopped eating. He went from eating anything to eating less than 10 items of food. He wouldn't eat meat, fish, eggs, cheese (unless hidden), fruit or vegetables. If we didn't give him an 'acceptable' food he wouldn't eat and would spend the next few days throwing up - presumably because of low blood sugars.

This went on for about 5 years I guess. Eventually when he moved to special school his teacher decided to tackle it and spent a year working on what I suppose was a sensory programme around eating. Now he eats pretty well.

I'm quite good at ignoring people who have never been there.

Parents like me? I thought your beef was with smug parents that are lucky to have children that eat? That is not me. I am only guilty of having a different opinion to you. You could argue that you are just as bad as the parents that pass comment on your techniques. "smug wankers" nice.

"parents like you" and just what catogory do you judge me to be in then?

Sorry LadyBaiter, it may not be your intention to come across as smug, but you do, at least to me.

Because you extrapolate from saying that because your techniques would work for you, they would work for your sister and hence I assume, would work for anyone else.

Those of us who don't use your techniques have bad attitudes, ergo are crap parents.

If that is not how you MEAN to come across then you do need to modify your communication techniques a wee bit.

Yup, I am sticking with 'smug wankers' because I believe that is at the root of most of those kind of comments. Really and truly, what other motivation lies behind them other than to belittle a parent to make yourself feel better and/or pat yourself on the back for your brilliant parenting techniques?

And that is not a 'yourself' aimed at anyone in particular, but a 'yourself' in general. Come on, parents who do this, be honest with yourselves at least.

May now be deviating a little from any point or use in this thread but I am procrastinating at work.

I was guilty of thinking that fussy eaters were down to parnets gving into them, this was reinforced by DD who will literally eat practically anything (not baked beans though). Then along came DS. He was OK initially on solids although never ate a huge amounts at one time. Then he just stopped, and by stopped I mean nothing. He would eat a bowl of ready brek and 2 petit filous in the morning and nothing else at all. At first I took a laissez faire approach offer him food and if he didn't eat, shrug shoulders and leave him. He would eat when he was hungry.
He was 10kg to start, after 2 weeks he had dropped to less than 8 kilos. He was literally starving himself. My GP sent me straight to hospital with him. i would have let him eat anything if he was interested which he wasn't. I spent hours cooking, hours trying to get food into him.
So in answer to other posters points yes there are children who will not eat to such an extent that their stomach shrinks and their appetite goes, I have been there and it is a scary, dangerous place. The approach of eat what you are offered or not at all could have resulted in him starving.
My DS loss of appetite was because of illness. It needed an operation which was not for another 3 months. During this time there was very limited foods he would eat (sometimes). Luckily for me they were relatively healthy ones. if all he ate was chicken nuggets and chips thats what I would have given him. I would not have continued to watch him waste away before my eyes.

"Those of us who don't use your techniques have bad attitudes, ergo are crap parents" Your words.

I fail to see how I can come across as smug when my 'techniques' are yet to work.

and I didn't say they would work for my sister, I said I thought it was ridiclous that she fed her DS porridge for all three meals in the day.

I'm discussing and asking questions about different parenting techniques on a parenting website, there really is no need to get on your high horse.

lolalocket

That is awful. Is he eating now?

Neigh.

Lolalocket illustrates horribly clearly why this is such an emotive issue for all parents. Food is tied up with so many different issues from showing your competency as a parent, showing love to your child to the very basic of keeping your child alive.

So I do not apologise for being defensive. Its a difficult and sensitive issue. Maybe more of us do need to say 'fuck off' out loud so some parents get the message.

Yes thank goodness since his operation he is much better. His appetite is still small and his range still limited but he will eat and he has put on a lot of weight although still in the last 10 percentile. He is still suspicious of food and reluctant to try new things but if I build on a base of plain pasta or rice and gradually add more and more sauce he will take to them (sometimes), but he is just as happy not to eat. If I didn't build from the base of stuff he likes he wouldn't eat at all.

Actually this reminds me of an incident on a train a few months ago.

We were due to fly London to Scotland but were turned away at Gatwick at 7am one day and then again the following day because of the volcano in Iceland.

I had a 9 month-old, 3-year-old and 5-year-old in tow.

Finally on the third day, after to and fro from airport to my mum's house (two hour drive each way) managed to get a train.

Kids knackered. DP stressed as missing work. Me stressed as had little sleep.

So promised the kids a sticky bun when we got in the train as a sort of celebration at being homeward bound.

Woman on table next to us raises her eyebrows and say: "Sugar? At 10.30 in the morning? Is that entirely necessary?"

To which I replied through clenched teeth: "Yes it is necessary. Entirely necessary, thanks."
And handed buns all round.

Turns out she was a nanny and she spent much of the journey telling me how much her charge enjoyed his kale and vegetable soup etc etc.

While sinking a bottle of wine.I was too polite to mention that though.

At times of 'food stress' I think it pays to remember the little girl on the 'Fussy Eaters' programme - who had really only ever eaten Rice Crispies & Chocolate - literally. The did all of the tests on her and she was absolutely fine, not lacking in anything. The only reason she was on the programme was that she was about 9 and wanted to be 'normal' and not 'weird' - so she could enjoy sleep overs & have toast for breakfast like the other girls!

These parents 'allowed' her to eat like this because otherwise she wouldn't eat. They had other children who ate normally - so they served up the usual for them & a bowl of chocolate for the 'odd one'... they were all very emotional when she nibbled a bit of 'other' food....

If she can survive (healthily) for 9 years (she was a nice build too - not skinny nor fat) on this, then really, kids will get by on most anything!

Diz - earlier this year, for several months I had really bad periods - where I would have just about killed someone for saying 'Hello' in the wrong tone of voice - hormones can be HELL!!! So YANBU, but really, you just need to look at some of the others, roll your eyes theatrically and sigh....

Diziet - I know a woman just as you describe - always making remarks about crap food - her pet hate is the (at times)continuous stream of bags of haribo that the children come out of school with as it is so and so's birthday. She is also Queen of the tactless critical remark.

She makes them to me because I and my family are veggie so thinks I will be as uptight about it - (I'm not). I find her and her comments hilarious - no one is perfect when it comes to parenting and she isn't perfect. People who jufge harshly always end up looking petty when it is about minor things.

Bloodyhell...I would have thought the wine on a morning thing to way over-ride anything else!!

Some people are judgemental twats, accept and move on OP!

Lola

It must be such a strain. I know I used to dread mealtimes.

But it is good he is gaining weight. And at least as he gets older you can reason with him a bit more and he will understand that he has to eat, even if he doesn't feel like it.

Oh anyone judging my children's eating habits get one of two answers.

My children are elite athletes, are yours?

My children have a rare genetic disorder that require them to eat chocolate spread nine times a day. It is linked with their extremely high levels of intelligence.

Only one of these answers is ture.

Well to be fair, I did say that I was fortunate enough that none of mine ever just starved themselves and that such an action would require a different approach.

I wasn't at all smug. More interested in how different parents deal with things.

I guess it's like being out of work and on benefits and hearing lots of people slagging off those who claim. Some will only half-heartedly look for a job then take the easy route. Others (many others) have struggled desperately and would do anything to come off benefits.

In the end both groups at at the same place but those who have tried literally everything not to be there will get upset and naturally defensive to hear that benefit claimants are lazy feckers.

My nephew had had a terrible tummy bug when he was under a year, the psychologist said that he then associated food with pain. Some parents do create children that eat crap, but most children with fussy pallets are just fussy. I'm sure some children just try it on, but parents know the difference and starving some children just doesn't work. I can afford to be quite tough with mine because none of them have issues with food and so leaving food (like a whole plate) is not an option....

pj.... I think it's very easy to sit in the 'if they're hungry they'll eat camp' and until I witnessed my nephew's struggle I would have thought the same.

Yes quite, which is why I said if mine had just started to starve themselves rather than just go to bed hungry and wake up desperate for breakfast, I'd have to have tried something different.

But I was curious as to how many parents couldn't listen to the screaming for something else for 2hours and let them go to bed hungry. Only because I guess it's very emotive, like CC I suppose.

I'd have said "was I talking to you?" and left it at that or better still ignored her comment entirely.

YABU to get so pissed off about a sandwich.

ROFL about the benefits analogy.

I am in the lazy fecker camp

PJ I do that with DD1 - if she won't eat her dinner, there is nothing else and no pudding. It is the same with DD2 but the difference is that she will get higher calorie food at lunchtime (when DD1 is at school) just to boost her calorie intake and stimulate her appetite.

She is the sort who seems to lose her appetite at the drop of a hat and eat 5 olives and declare dinner over. She isn't even bothered about pudding.

I've found that if the not eating is allowed to go beyond a few days she will not get hungry and then we get into dangerous territory.

So a cheese pie from Greggs is very welcome sometimes.