to have wanted to scream, :"F**K YOU!!!!!" at a woman at playgroup today?!

[Diziet]

OK, just having a rant here, getting it off my chest type of thing...
We were all giving our DC snacks at around 11 - some of the older ones start nursery at 12.10 so it makes sense. My DS decided he didn't want his sandwiches. I said to him, "you can't have chocolate spread EVERY day, sweetheart!". Then I heard one of the other mums say, "oh, I don't give mine anything like that".
Wanted to say: "F**K YOU!! Not everyone is lucky like you and has children who are good eaters.
Some of us are grateful for our children to eat ANYTHING."
But I didn't. I gathered my son and my's belongings and we went home. He is munching his chocolate spread sandwiches (on WHITE BREAD - HA!!!!) with deafening slowness as I type.
I will return once I've dropped him at Nursery.

Lady Baiter, I don't think picky children are necessarily created by their parents. That's the difference between us. I am sure that some parents operate as you describe and that is wrong and not healthy for the child. But not all children are naturally omniverous.

My child does not get crisps every day to get some calories in her. Sometimes she will get crisps because I know she'll eat them. I won't force food on her if she refuses because I think that is unhealthy.

But this thread is about how threatened we parents of picky eaters feel by the unthinking smuggery of those who just got lucky. We are not all crap lazy parents with 'bad attitudes'.

for you to say 'the battle starts with the parents attitude' is rather proving my point. My mum had a brilliant attitude. She got one picky eater, and two reasonably good eaters. I do honestly believe it is mostly down to luck rather than to any individual's superior parenting.

Spero, nobody was saying anyone else was a bad parent. I certainly wasn't.

And I don't need to consider the affect because I have and do let mine scream. Though my 4yr old doesn't do it anymore as she knows not to bother.

It isn't easy having 3 under 5 and letting one or two of them scream either. It would be far easier for me to give in but I've got to do what I think is best. That's not to say it's best for everyone. Just like some mums can leave their newborn to cry it out and others can't. It doesn't make one a good parent and the other rubbish.

My Eldest would only eat nutella at breakfast and grew up to be 6'2" and a straight A* student

Ouch

Sorry that was Karma biting me on the backside.

I understand how you feel Diziet. DD has limited tastes which I work round. One Dad makes comments that rile me. We have reasons, like Spero for not turning meal times into a battle and he is the last person I would explain it to.

I wouldn't dream of saying to him that his child is bossy, demanding, asks for money and rarely uses her manners but he makes little comments about DD that are making it hard to be civil to him.

Good post Spiro, my Dad used to force me to eat stuff even if I was gagging with the dislike of it and crying at the table.

DD will eat virtually any vegetable/fruit and seems to prefer cold food apart from Fish.

Er, pinkjello, what other message I am supposed to get from people who comment 'I would never let my child eat that crap and I can't understand how parents let this happen' (I paraphrase from a number of posters).

It IS about saying we are bad parents. That is why we get so upset/annoyed when other parents comment. We KNOW it is better for children to have a wide and varied diet etc, etc.

Why would other parents make these comments if not to pat themselves on the back by pointing out how much better their children eat than ours?

Perhaps I am oversensitive, but I don't think so.

My DS left the green bits of pasta the other day, he is that bad. So yes, they are not necessarily created by their parents, my DS1 is a brilliant eater. I do think it's down to the parents to change their childrens eating habits though. My nephew was fed porridge and cheese for months of his life, because 'it was all he would eat'. I just find that ridiculous, it wouldn't be if he wasn't given it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The battle started the moment my sister gave him porridge for lunch the first time (IMO)

The other thing that gets me is... I am NOT a fussy eater and never really have been (I asked my Mum). I will eat anything as long as it holds still long enough! So yes, I do find it hard to see my children refuse food that I know they would LOVE if they would only try it.
Even more so when it's something they used to wolf down as babies.

Oh yes Diziet and it was ALWAYS white bread.

Eventually he got fed up and started eating other things - now he'll try anything and eats an exceptionally healthy diet by anyone's standards I think.

Anything except Yogurt.

That was too many - 'please please just finish that petit filou.' from me I think.

LadyBaiter, well good for you. Perhaps you should do this professionally, be a sort of Super Nanny for all of us crap parents who can't sort it out?

I don't mean to be rude, but I thought Posie made the point very well. Unless you are Jo Frost, your direct experience of children is limited to the two that you have cared for, so you are not really in a position to pontificate that other parents are 'ridiculous'. How do you know what they have tried, what they could bear to try, what works best for their family?

Mittzress, how sad. I bet your dad was only doing what he thought was best, that is the tragedy of it all.

Ok, I guess I was trying to work out whether when people say 'Ive tried and that's all she'll eat' mean it in the way I would.

By that I mean, I would happily put up with the screaming tantrums every day for hours and refuse to offer anything else with the mantra that they won't starve. And as I said, I have done this. This is not smug just how I would handle it.

Some mums much nicer/softer than me. Can't bear the thought of their children being unhappy and would never let them scream for two hours or go to bed without eating and cry themselves to sleep. They'd rather a calm, chilled household and so give other foods.

If, of course, my children really did begin to starve themselves I would need to think again. And it has been mentioned that some children would just go beyond hunger and stop eating.

So I'm not at all being smug just trying to work out if the years of fussy eating are all coming from the same starting point and these are kids who actually did start to starve themselves. Hope this makes sense.

I haven't once said anything about bad parenting. I know what she tried, what she could bear to try, and what worked best because she is my sister, and we talk to each other . She gave him porridge all the time because 'anything is better than nothing' and because it was easier. Not easier when your eating out, going to a party, invited somewhere for dinner though. So for the battles she thought she had saved, she just created more, and moaned continusly about them.

I guess I'm just pondering what comes first chicken or the egg? As in is it the childs response to fussy eating that creates the battle, or is it the parents?

PinkJello, some people think you do more harm letting your child scream and cry in hunger than just give them something they would like to eat.

Personally I am trying to get my children to understand the link between hunger, food and stopping eating when they are full. I feel that is a more valuable lesson to give than you have to eat what I decide is the right thing and at the time I decide.

Spero is right on the button.

Pinkjello, I think the problem is that refusal to eat and the reasons for it covers such a wide spectrum that it is never safe to assume that 'if only' the parents did X Y or Z the child would eat.

there are children who would refuse to eat for several days - this is rare, but it does happen. I suspect that most children would 'give in' after a few days of screaming and refusal, but frankly, what lessons are you then teaching them about food and choices and control? I am worried that this strategy may get the carrots down them, but also encourage a large dose of resentment and anger against the parent.

as long as it isn't pringles and chocolate every meal (and it isn't for mine) then I say, don't worry about it, just try and relax and they will eventually start eating more.

But it is quite hard to relax when you constantly get snipey little comments from 'friends' and colleague about how THEIR children will eat anything... and of course we all know that the root of this problem is the parents (paraphrase LadyB)

...and they may well be correct. Hence my genuine lack of smugness.

LadyB, nice supportive attitude for your sister there. I bet her continuous moaning gets right on your nerves doesn't it?

Never mind, when your book is out, she can read it and learn exactly where she went wrong.

Spero - obvioulsy, as stated, the root of the problem is the childs eating habits, how it's dealt with is down to the parents, imo. You think it's better for a child to eat anything that they like, I don't. Difference of opinion is all.

Thanks for you comments everyone, and for letting me have MY tantrum on here!! I have to go collect the sprogs from Nursery/school. We are off round a friends' for tea tonight - and luckily we're old friends and she knows my boys well !!
Cheerio, everyone!! xxxx

I don't have a fussy child, but I was one.

I was made to scream with hunger, cajoled and bribed and literally backed into a corner and forcefed foods I didn't want to try.

It simply entrenched my fussiness, which I overcame myself as as adult. It would have been far more prudent to follow my lead. It didn't change the fact that my diet consisted mainly of white sliced pan (no butter) and carby baby foods because when my weight plummeted frighteningly, the dietician said: "give in".

So, really, unless you've been there, don't assume that you can say "I let my children scream even though its hard for me because it's best for them". It is not always best for them - by a long chalk.

Regarding resentment; I don't think previous generations resented their parents for it. I knew if I didn't eat what I was given there would be nothing else. There was simply no money and food was genuinely scarce. Only babies had snacks (rusks) No crisps, sweets or choc apart from a selection box at Christmas. I have never resented the fact that they didn't say, it's ok, we'll give you what we were saving for tomorrow instead.

Nest time say ask her where she gets her judgey pants from cos you would like a pair

I do struggle with being supportive about parenting attitudes that I don't, well, support myself. IMO feeding children what they want is a quick fix to 'keep the peace'. Parents seem more concerned with getting children to eat anything than instilling good eating habits.

Your sarcasm is coming across as very defensive.

But I never force feed or even make a big deal of food/mealtimes. Mealtimes are not stressful. I take the eat it or leave it tactic. They are always allowed to leave it. They just know they them need to wait until the next mealtime before they get anything else.

well, I'm off to Greggs. And I think the next time my 'friend' tells me she is so worried about the way my daughter eats I will say to her 'well your daughter still wears a nappy at night so why don't you just fuck off?'

ooo I feel better already.

I hope you have a nice tea op.

You have much the same attitude as me pinkjello. I'm still holding out for the breakthrough though

My dd1 fainted once, from lack of food. She was about 4 and had just not been prepared to eat. Not even food she is fairly keen on.

She eats about a third of her classmates, she's small but we get calories into her. Mainly through wheatabix and pasta based meals. We eat good wholesome food, mainly cooked from base ingredients, and very low in salt and sugar. Which might explain her tiny appetite I don't include the takeaways you unserstand.

I can't bear the parents I name 'The fruitshootfainters'. Too tedious by a mile. So I think I'd have felt the same as you op, and I can totally understand why you hot footed it out of there before saying something you would regret. A person doesn't always want to take on the world, sometimes a person just wants to go to a playgroup and hang out. None of us need to be made to feel crap. We have our plates of untouched lovely meals to do that for us.

Of course, the ideal response would have been 'Our chocolate spread was bought in Fance, where it is a standard snack for children. Perhaps you haven't experienced French culture? It is fairtrade cocco, organic milk, and farm churned french butter, so lots of lovely calcium. I know the madame that makes it actually. The children sooooo enjoy spending time helping to get her small herd of rare breed cows into the dairy. The bread I make myself, so I'm afraid that isn't all organic - the yeast was positively farmed >

Ahhh, if only we thought of these things at the time....