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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have wanted to scream, :"F**K YOU!!!!!" at a woman at playgroup today?!

200 replies

Diziet · 19/10/2010 11:54

OK, just having a rant here, getting it off my chest type of thing...
We were all giving our DC snacks at around 11 - some of the older ones start nursery at 12.10 so it makes sense. My DS decided he didn't want his sandwiches. I said to him, "you can't have chocolate spread EVERY day, sweetheart!". Then I heard one of the other mums say, "oh, I don't give mine anything like that".
Wanted to say: "F**K YOU!! Not everyone is lucky like you and has children who are good eaters.
Some of us are grateful for our children to eat ANYTHING."
But I didn't. I gathered my son and my's belongings and we went home. He is munching his chocolate spread sandwiches (on WHITE BREAD - HA!!!!) with deafening slowness as I type.
I will return once I've dropped him at Nursery.

OP posts:
pinkjello · 19/10/2010 13:52

Well, Commandercool, you have to make your own judgments on that based on your own children.
If your child has a specific problem them that's one thing but with general fussiness I just think there's millions of different healthy food things to offer them before you settle on rubbish. As I said, all three of mine would definitely hold out for choc spread sandwiches if they ever knew they existed.

Oh and one of mine is also a skinny little thing who fell off the charts but she eats as much as she can get as often as she can get it. Grin

Diziet · 19/10/2010 13:53

Heeehee!!! GrinGrin at GloomyTubeNoseBat and Angeliz!!!! Love it! And thankyou, Gloomy.

OP posts:
LadyBaiter · 19/10/2010 13:54

Blush I'm rambling a bit now!

Diziet · 19/10/2010 14:01

I will keep trying, every so often, to get them to try to eat new things. Of course! What sort of Mum would I be if I didn't try?? But in between times, I'm just happy for them to eat.
Although I AM going to have to start telling my Mum off, because whenever we go round to visit she's emptied a whole bag of Wotsits into a bowl for each of them before you can say 'alright Mum, how's the gout?'- yes, a WHOLE BAG EACH. I have to discreetly swipe a few handfuls away. Even by my (admittedly low) standards, that's too many for little people!!

OP posts:
Diziet · 19/10/2010 14:03

Well done, BTW, LadyBaiter! Just getting them to try things is a battle in itself, isn't it?
Aww, bless 'em! Boring when it's easy...

OP posts:
bluecardi · 19/10/2010 14:04

yanbu - once I was told by a fellow mum that "My kids are not allowed jelly" Made sure to include as many jelly references as I could :)

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 19/10/2010 14:06

She sounded liek a silly cow and you shouldn't have let it get to you.

rockinhippy · 19/10/2010 14:06

thinking on it....... my Brother would eat NOTHING but baked beans & Chicken all the way through his childhood, my Mum tried hard & realised in the end, that better that then nothing at all........he also ate little else up until his late 30s, & now only adds a few potatoes, mushrooms & cauliflower to that vast diet..........funny how out of all of us, cousins included he's the one who is NEVER bloody ill Confused

Spero · 19/10/2010 14:07

I don't understand people who say 'your child only eats pringles! how do you allow it!'

Well, lets examine the situation a little more carefully shall we? When we were growing up, my mum had the choice. Either allow my brother to eat his waffles and cheese or a) have him screaming, refusing to eat b)buggering up our chances to watch Grange Hill in peace c)refuse to give him anything else (he would go hungry and this upset my mum) or d) let him get on with it and grow up a healthy happy adult who now will eat pretty much anything.

I remember very, very clearly as a six year old at school being told I could not leave the table until I had eaten my mashed potatoes. I waited until everyone had gone then threw the mashed potatoes into the bin and refused thereafter to eat school dinners. My mum was furious with the school.

some children won't eat a variety of different healthy food stuffs. My daughter, cries, wails, tantrums. Rather than turning every meal time into a battle and making her associate food with stress and misery, I rotate the few simple meals that she will eat and I keep my fingers crossed she will grow up like me, who will now happily eat everything bar sushi.

I don't pander to her, if we go out and there is nothing on the menu she likes, I say try it or tough luck. But at home I just want us to have a happy peaceful time. I don't think her life chances are inevitably blighted because she won't share my paella or roast aubergines.

I'll say it again... those of you whose children eat everything, count your effin blessings and don't affect puzzled bemusement at 'why' ??

CommanderCool · 19/10/2010 14:10

Mine is a skinny little thing who fell off the charts who is now 4 but last year was wearing leggings for 12 - 18 months.

She doesn't have a specific problem. She eats all fruit, tomatoes, dahl, pizza, broccooli, houmous, olives, sausages, etc

Just not very much at a time. Hence the need for high calorie foods from time to time.

I would say Pinkjello, you do sound a bit smug and obviously have never experienced a child who will not eat.

Have you every tried to get a 15 month-old, who hasn't eaten more than a few grapes and a piece of cheese for three days, yo eat?

You cannot reason with them. Tis bloody awful.

I have huge sympathy for those parents who go through this.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 19/10/2010 14:11

Giving a fussy eater anything they will eat is a good thing, try not to fuss around and just think at the end of each week if they got enough of each of the food groups. If you massively step back but keep his appetite topped up with what he likes you may find he starts to try new things.

This advice came from a child psychologist that my sister consulted regarding her son. Not all children will eat if they're hungry, some get far past having an appetite and then start losing weight.

duchesse · 19/10/2010 14:12

commandercool- all my daughters have been around the 0.4th centile at times. I still stuck to feeding them only nutrient-rich foodstuffs and nothing bad happened to them. They were not starving, just small and slender. Otherwise full of energy and (metaphorical) beans.

LadyBaiter · 19/10/2010 14:12

Spero - I have said my DS2 is an absolute nightmare with food, but I'm still asking 'why?'. Surely the tantrums only occur bcause they know they can get what they want if they scream and shout?

Angeliz · 19/10/2010 14:14

I have two good eaters and one fussy...to say the least.
I have tried and tried, stressed myself out that she gets no fruit and veg, worried about her bones...teeth...weight..
but i honestly try to chill out about it now.
We eat whatever i cook now, the other two LOVE a chicken dinner but i have to make a little bowl of macaroni on the side for dd2. It keeps the peace and everyone is happy and i've found that when she's chilled out, she WILL attempt to try more.
Even if it's just putting her tongue on a strawberry, i figure it's a start.
I think she has super sensitive taste buds and also sense of smell. If DP is eating an orange in another room she hates the smell and has never been able to sit smelling food she doesn't like, it seems to make her gag.
Also, i don't know if anyone here has said but what also works with dd2 (she's 5 btw!!) is giving her TINY portions. Much less intimidating.
Good luckSmile

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 19/10/2010 14:16

Each poster can only talk, unless truly qualified, from their limited experience with their children. I don't have any issues with mine and food aside form ds1 who is a super taster and think ginger biscuits are spicy!!

Whilst some will get by on fuck all, it can do a lot of damage if they are mal nourished, my nephew didn;t sleep very well because he didn't eat enough. Through stepping back for a few weeks he has made huge improvements and eats a wide range of food now.

Spero · 19/10/2010 14:17

LadyBaiter, I completely disagree. children don't just tantrum to get what they want.

Children can react in furious and disproportionate ways because they are not fully in control of themselves and their emotions, they are bossed about, told what to do, sometimes they are scared or don't understand and sometimes they just want control over some small thing in their life.

I pick my battles. My daughter is healthy and happy. I wish she ate lots of vegetables with relish but she won't. I give her lots of opportunities to help prepare such food and watch me eat it. When she wants it, she'll have it.

But I am NOT going to turn her childhood into a battle ground over it.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 19/10/2010 14:18

Good for you Spero!!!

pinkjello · 19/10/2010 14:19

No I'm not at all being smug. There but for the grace and all.

It was a genuine question as I would happily send them to bed screaming that they were starving but I know that upsets many parents and they just want them to eat.

I have had days myself where I made a pan of porridge for breakfast and one turns their nose up. Then spent the morning tantruming and cranky because they were hungry and tired. It happens. They then beg all morning for snacks, But, I guess I'd rather have them screaming hungry and whingy for a couple of hours as I know they'll be so hungry they will eat their lunch.

I'm not being smug I just know that none of mine would ever allow themselves to starve. They'd be stubborn and refuse and go to bed hungry but I've never known them to go more than 2 meals without caving. But I do appreciate that all kids are different.

Spero · 19/10/2010 14:20

Posie, exactly. I WISH some parents would learn that just because their little Jonny eats/sleeps well, was translating Arabic at 2 years etc, etc, it is probably not wise to extrapolate from this that it is all down to one's marvelous parents and all other parents who can't achieve the same results with their children are hence crap parents.

Because that is what is really at the heart of these food debates isn't it?

LadyBaiter · 19/10/2010 14:22

OK. Going back to me mentioning my DS having a tantrum about the carrot sticks on his plate. He stopped, had a spoonful of soup and a few bites of his cheese roll and got down.

If I had presented him with a bag of crisps (to get some calories down him) as I know he will eat them, surley he'll link the two (scream, get crisps) and do the same tomorrow, and the next day, until I'm at my wits end and just give him crisps in the first place 'to keep the peace'.

I just think the battle starts with the parents attitudes.

Spero · 19/10/2010 14:23

Pinkjello, I was asking posters who genuinely don't understand why children can't just be left to scream/starve etc, to consider the effect of this on the entire family.

My mum worked hard as a teacher and then in the home as soon as she got back from work. My dad wasn't much help as he was also working hard. She had three children. She didn't want to have to deal with the screaming and the tantrums etc. Its not as if a child is insisting on sticking its fingers in the fire. Its about having a family that operates with minimum stress.

Its all very well to say as a theory - well, let them scream for a couple of days then they will learn. The reality is rather different and I suspect my brother could have held out for quite some time.

CommanderCool · 19/10/2010 14:23

Posie that is exactly the advice I received.

I try to remain calm at family mealtimes and supplement her diet in an equally calm way, at lunchtime.

By the way, I would love her to eat beans.

She does now eat chicken and is ap-proaching a normal weight. This means I cam be stricter. It is a balancing act though.

LadyBaiter · 19/10/2010 14:24

"just because their little Jonny eats/sleeps well, was translating Arabic at 2 years etc, etc, it is probably not wise to extrapolate from this that it is all down to one's marvelous parents"

I hope that bit wasn't aimed at me, because it's terribly inaccurate!

BoffinMum · 19/10/2010 14:26

To morons being judgey I just say things like "Well, I am a hopeless parent so it's chocolate spread and fruit shoots all around in my house. It's amazing any of mine have made it to adulthood". When you've had four people give you the benefit of the doubt more often.

I would say that occasionally starving kids of snacks and deviant food means they end up eating the good stuff out of 'choice', though. But you have to be cunning and do this over a period of time so the buggers don't realise what you're doing. If you make a fuss or let on you are up to something, you are doomed. Wink

The best thing I ever did is teaching mine to cook as they became a lot less fussy and I also got some nice things made for me as well. Grin

BoffinMum · 19/10/2010 14:27

I would say if the child has helped prepare the food, and you don't make a big issue at the table but just neglect to buy the crap stuff, then you are increasing the proportion of decent food that will pass their lips.