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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you should not let a newborn scream for 2 hours?

160 replies

LacyLeggins · 12/10/2010 19:09

arghhhh! i cant take the crying anymore so have escaped to the bedroom. dp has his friend over with new baby (4 weeks). baby has been screaming since 5 pm and is still screaming now!!! dp's friend is adamant the baby does not need feeding until 8pm and has just left the baby in the carseat!

i have put my dc to bed at 7pm and am dreaming of some peace. AIBU and should i say something or just keep my nose out?

OP posts:
PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 13/10/2010 11:35
  1. Yes, but not leaving a distressed baby at such a tender age to cry for long periods.
  2. I did have bad days but it caused me to suffer, through lack of sleep, not my baby whose needs were very much met and not put down.
  3. It doesn't matter,.

Finally a health visitor is there to help and would listen and advise, knowing that a lot of parents can be clueless.

Whitehorn, did you leave your newborn in a carseat screaming for hours without even giving it a cuddle?

wouldliketoknow · 13/10/2010 11:43

as a mum of a small baby, i can say the hv never helped me, comes to the house and finds things to complaint about, trust me, she doesn't need any help to tell me all the many things i am doing wrong. the first few weeks my baby would cry for hours, was fed and clean i have no idea why, i didn't put him down, but maybe dad was overwhelmed and trying to put on a front for his friend, men are like that.
leave the phone alone for now, go round for coffee and looking at baby stuff with the mum have a chat about parenting and how sometimes men are daft and need to be told specifically how to do it.

DanceOnTheDarkSide · 13/10/2010 11:44

I don't mean to 'shop' them, i meant for advice. Either for the OP to pass on or for the HV to pop round and offer advice if needed. If the baby really does cry like that a lot, its really wearing and it can be helpful for someone to say "Hey it's ok. Some babies do this. it could be X Y Z and you could try A B C". The semi distraction of trying different things may help them get thru the phase - if it is one.

Posie - He is 5 now.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 13/10/2010 11:47

Personally I would have to pass on the information.

wouldliketoknow · 13/10/2010 11:49

posie, i think you are overreacting with little information, i wonder if the op thinks they are neglecting the child, in purpose

Whitethorn · 13/10/2010 11:49

Posie
As mentioned in a previous post I did leave my DD hungry but did pick her up. Carseats are bloody dangerous so I would never have left her in one for more than a car journey.

I think it does matter how much the OP knows about the woman and how she normally treats her baby, it informs whether or not this is a lapse of judgement or a pattern of behaviour that could be abusive/neglectful

MrsC2010 · 13/10/2010 11:51

I was thinking about this all last night, the thought of my tiny baby (8wks now, not so tiny any more!) as scared and unhappy as this one must have been makews ne so, so sad.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 13/10/2010 11:54

Honestly, I couldn't care less how well the OP knows the woman, should we all wait to make sure a child is being neglected? Perhaps that's what all the people who walked past the little girl's window who starved to death thought.....

A HV will be professional.

MrsC2010 · 13/10/2010 11:59

It sounds like they are just a bit mis-informed. I know when I left hospital with DD I didn't have a clue, so just fed her when she was hungry. She is now huge. Grin As such, perhaps a friendly HV visit to give info would be good?

wouldliketoknow · 13/10/2010 12:00

posie, maybe you are right, but hvs are not all professional and full of good advise and understanding, i think i am a reasonably good mum and she has plenty of things to complain about, if she suspects neglect, she'll chew me up, i just think it is worth a chat first, may all be a misunderstanding and junping to conclussions, if after that still not satisfied by all means involve any one to ensure the little one is ok.
i am not saying ignore it, i am saying check first, call later.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 13/10/2010 12:10

If it were me I would rather a HV knock on my door than a woman I didn't know.

wouldliketoknow · 13/10/2010 12:20

if the baby is 4 weeks they still get regular visits form the hv, anyway.

booooooooooyhoo · 13/10/2010 12:38

wouldliketoknow, i had 1 visit from HV at 2 weeks post delivery, after that she wrote down dates she would like me to visit her in the surgery. this was a year ago.

wouldliketoknow · 13/10/2010 13:30

my visits finish at 6 weeks, after that health clinic, but my friend had visits well into 3 months post delivery, same local authority, i think it varies depending on the hv and personal circs, we both had babies in may this year.

DanceOnTheDarkSide · 13/10/2010 14:06

WLTK I had a total of 2 visits from the HV. I have 3 children! However, I would have appreciated a professional visiting. As long as it was done with discretion rather than someone turning up on my doorstep and telling me there had been phonecalls

wouldliketoknow · 13/10/2010 14:44

i had 5 visit for my only child, it would be great if the hv went to her home talking generally about childcare and addressing the concerns, but may as well come saying: right, you are doing wrong and someone has report you for abuse, now let's see how you come out of this one.

if the are friends, not total estrangers, i think a quick chat first won't hurt, and if they are doing this quite deliberate, yes, call the hv, but there might be a different explanation, the guy is a first time dad, possibly quite clueless, overwhelmed and sleep deprieved, give the guy a chance, maybe the op's dh could have a chat having a beer and say, hey, i don't think it's right to leave him crying in the car seat, when my first was that little i...

grapeandlemon · 13/10/2010 14:52

Poor little soul. Some children have no chance, having been given zero respect for basic needs like food, comfort and warmth from birth.

Tiredmumno1 · 13/10/2010 14:58

White it isnt the mum that needs the pointers, the baby was visiting with dad, he is a first time dad, but the mum has another child.

wouldliketoknow · 13/10/2010 15:06

she might not know what he was doing...

umf · 13/10/2010 17:07

Reckon I'd call round and see the mother before phoning HV. After all, this is her second baby and it's likely she's looking after it properly - and doesn't have any idea how useless the father was being.

OP has met mother before, so it presumably wouldn't be too strange if she came round with a little newbaby gift. Perhaps even said she thought she'd pop in and see how things were going because the baby cried so much at her house that she wondered if it had colic, and are they ok?

muslimah28 · 13/10/2010 20:48

i can't stop thinking about this poor baby since i read this yesterday. i do hope the parents get help in understanding that this is just not on.

HoorahHilda · 13/10/2010 22:01

.

Original poster
LacyLeggins · 13/10/2010 22:04

it was awful i actually found it hard to sleep after their visit. dp has phoned friend and has spoken to him briefly and is going round tomorrow for a chat. hopefully was just friend being a clueless first time dad.

OP posts:
muslimah28 · 14/10/2010 12:13

sounds like youre taking a really good approach- not going too heavy, but still making your point. and maybe in a calmer situation, the friend will more readily take your advice and support.

i was thinking, abourt the suggestions that this was a case of following a routine. as someone who followed a routine, they have misunderstood it all if that is what they are doing. as you never leave a very hungry baby, and if the baby is mildly hungry but you want to delay the feed, you do so by distractions, you never leave the baby to cry. and if the baby wasn't hungry, then these 'routine' focussed books do actually give good guidance about how to comfort a crying baby, and nowhere do they say leave the baby alone despite all its screams.

i'm still upset about this poor baby, i cant help thinking about it each time i hear my baby crying, i keep thinking about that poor thing being left on its own.

withorwithoutyou · 14/10/2010 12:17

Sounds horrible OP, yanbu Sad

"if the baby is mildly hungry but you want to delay the feed, you do so by distractions"

Why is a routine more important than feeding a mildly hungry baby? Confused