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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you should not let a newborn scream for 2 hours?

160 replies

LacyLeggins · 12/10/2010 19:09

arghhhh! i cant take the crying anymore so have escaped to the bedroom. dp has his friend over with new baby (4 weeks). baby has been screaming since 5 pm and is still screaming now!!! dp's friend is adamant the baby does not need feeding until 8pm and has just left the baby in the carseat!

i have put my dc to bed at 7pm and am dreaming of some peace. AIBU and should i say something or just keep my nose out?

OP posts:
HalfTermHero · 12/10/2010 20:05

Poor baby. I would tell the parent that they were failing in their duty to the baby and also to pull themselves together and get a fucking grip. I am quite outspoken and a smug 'know it all' though.

GraveyardMistsAreYellow · 12/10/2010 20:06

Should add that my first child was mixed fed from day one and "when is she due a feed?" used to wind me up no end even then.

When she fucking well thinks she needs one. Don't you eat and drink when you want to? And you're a grown adult who could easily miss a meal or twenty two.

DomesticG0ddess · 12/10/2010 20:07

Did you tell them Lacy?

FortunateHamster · 12/10/2010 20:09

It is so easy to believe before you have a baby that they'll stick to the routines or the four-hour-feedings that the books mention, but surely it doesn't take long to realise - once baby has arrived - that the baby doesn't read the books? They should've at least seen if it was anything else upsetting the baby.

Do let us know what happened, if you can.

mummycreepynora · 12/10/2010 20:18

I have just seen this thread and tbh it sounds like new parents who are completely overwhelemed and just sticking to whatever information they have been given as fact...

I think the posters on here who are calling the parents neglectful and who need 'telling off' are a bit out of order too!

Who are we to know their situation? Maybe the mum has pnd and struggles to want to be close to the baby? maybe she is panicking and wanting to look like she 'knows what she's doing' in front of others - who knows!

My advice would be to help gently not through lectures and tellings off ffs!

My personal approach would be along the lines of, 'oh I remember being told about how long babies should 'go' .. .I couldn't do it, if baby was hungry I always fed them, I figured our appetites change, so maybe babies do too ? '

making your point without saying - your a bad mum sort your baby or leave!

nameymcnamechange · 12/10/2010 20:24

mummycreepynora if you'd read the thread you would see that the op has tried making subtle suggestions and offered to cuddle the baby. I am sure she would be a good judge as to whether the parents are struggling or just being stubborn.

Tiredmumno1 · 12/10/2010 20:25

Nora she has tried gently by the sound of it, but still getting the same response

wouldliketoknow · 12/10/2010 20:25

i also find very hard to care for my baby in other people's houses, even family, they sort of tell you what to do or take him to comfort him like i was useless, not their intention but..., who am i? just the mother?
also, what you think is best it might not sound right to them... my mil insist in the baby napping by himself in a dark room, took her a few days to realize that he will sleep just as well in the bouncer in the living room, now she is so proud tells everyone how i got him to do it Hmm

don't be too quick to judge, motherhood is a shock the first few weeks...

lacy i do wonder how it went...

mummycreepynora · 12/10/2010 20:27

thats my point though - I have read the thread... suggestions might be taken as telling the mum what to do - my crap attempt at wording was basically explaining how 'you' did things, but without necessarily suggesting the mum did that - I was always far more open to that way of things being worded when both DC's were small..

and as to whether they are struggling or stubborn - I haven't seen any comment in the OP's posts about that kind of thing... I haven't experienced PND personally, but know people with other mental health issues - and they are VERY good at hiding them in public....

if the car seat was that much of a worry to OP when she had a cuddle with baby, why was (s)he put back in it and not passed to mum or dad?

Dansmommy · 12/10/2010 20:32

Suffering from PND is not an excuse to leave a 4 week old baby to cry. If he has been crying since 5, then chances are he's gone 4 hours without a feed, not 3. That's mental, and I don't care what expert you're quoting, it's neglect.

And this is coming from someone whose babies were formula fed to a routine.

If parents don't understand that a hungry baby needs food, they need telling.

Tiredmumno1 · 12/10/2010 20:34

The point is you do not leave a screaming baby in a car seat for 3 hours, no matter what!

fgs a small bottle would not have killed them

mamatomany · 12/10/2010 20:35

My neighbor did this with her baby, was all "I won't be dictated to by a crying baby, he'll just have to wait" In the end I just walked into the kitchen pretended I hadn't heard her and picked him, he promptly burped, poor little mite must have ben in pain :(

Bechka · 12/10/2010 20:37

Hi Lacy,

How did it go? I so hope you said something, poor darling baby left to cry in a carseat. The thought of it is upsetting.

pommedeterre · 12/10/2010 20:38

Wow. Poor little thing. How can anyone bear listening to a baby cry like that? I never told HVs how much of a snacker/grazer dd was as all my friends had been told by them to go on strict feeds and not feed before the 'due' time and I thought it was so wrong. Especially as the mum would be having a drink/eating whilst saying 'no' to baby.
Cuddle and feed when they want (bottle or breast makes no difference!).

wouldliketoknow · 12/10/2010 20:38

my brother cried every single waken minute until he was two, there was nothing you could do, maybe we don't know the whole story. it is very scary to mother a new baby for the first time, maybe she isn't quite sure yet, we don't know if her dh is supportive or just bully her into getting right all the time, i know some like that

SirBoobAlot · 12/10/2010 20:42

God thats horrible OP :(

Hope your little "chat" went okay - you're much nicer than me Blush

cumfy · 12/10/2010 20:52

Sorry, still can't figure out if it's M, D or M+D who are there.

Anybody worked that out ?

Original poster
LacyLeggins · 12/10/2010 21:01

hi sorry i took so long!! cumfy its dad and dc2(newborn) who are here. mum and dc1 are at home.

i went down and offered to hold and feed the baby, was allowed to cuddle him but not feed him untill 8! have just fed him and settled him asleep on a quilt on the floor (not in the carseat!)

i was quite amazed tbh that dad didnt want to comfort the baby himself, especially how i had said ive just settled my dcs and the cryin was very loud upstairs!

at least baby is settled and asleep now bless him!and im off for a fag cuppa :)

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 12/10/2010 21:05

Well done lacy,

so its not an excuse of pnd or new to parenthood, he is disgraceful, that poor baby. he should be bloody ashamed

umf · 12/10/2010 21:07

V glad baby settled! Was upsetting to think of it.

So no first baby shock excuses there. Clueless father? Gloom.

mumbybumby · 12/10/2010 21:08

Ah well done! Sounds like dad might be lacking in confidence and/or knowledge of babies! Might need a little gentle guidance re: comforting baby and not leaving in car seat!
Bet baby is happy and relieved!

wouldliketoknow · 12/10/2010 21:12

some men are clueless and need a lot of coaching, maybe he didn't do a lot first time around and too much is expected from him now, in that fag cuppa, maybe include a little lesson about taking advice, it is not to deminish him, it is to help him...

GraveyardMistsAreYellow · 12/10/2010 21:15

I "comforted" my niece in the bathroom when she was screaming her head off at a day old and my sister refused to give her a bottle because she had one "not four hours ago"

My Mum and Dad were in tears imploring her to feed her and I had fed my own newborn son an hour earlier. While the argument was raging and nobody noticed I waltzed off with my lovely niece and let her do what came naturally.

I can't believe I am confessing this Blush

Nobody noticed that the baby was calm when we came out because the argument was still raging on and my sister was throwing things by this point so I grabbed DS and left with my parents who were crying at my sister's refusal to feed the new baby.

I know it was very wrong but I couldn't help it. There was an overwhelming urge and as I've said, no other bugger cared.

wouldliketoknow · 12/10/2010 21:17

grave, so sad for your sister, a day after labour and people shouting at her?, it is the hormones, i don't blame you for feeding her, but...

Greythorne · 12/10/2010 21:21

graveyard
bravo to you
commonsense solution
would have done the same thing

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