to feel like a second class citizen cause I'm a SAHM?

[WannabeNigella]

I don't feel I should feel this way but I do.

Everytime I get asked "What do you do for a living?" etc I cringe when I have to say that I don't, I'm a SAHM. I don't want to feel ashamed of it but I almost feel like my opinion on things doesn't count as much, that I can't possibly fully understand politics or the economy etc.

I used to have an extremely high powered and stressful job but gave it up when my DS came along and I am loving life at the moment.

Does anyone else feel this way? DH thinks I'm mental and imagining it

I used to have a super high powered job. Since June now a SAHM. As high powered working person I was always seriously jealous of anyone who was a SAHM but also aware working had its benefits. Now I am at home I often think of the nice things about working but am proud to be at home too.

Being at home is HARDER WORK THAN THE 60 HOUR A WEEK JOB I USED TO DO. Please don't cringe but be proud, being at home and looking after the children is a job (that's why it is some people's jobs (nannies, childminders etc.) Be proud and hold your head up high.

It doesn't sound like you are loving life at the moment if you feel like a second class citizen! I feel guilty when people who I work with make comments about it being a 'shame' the kids have to go to nursery at such a young age.

If you are genuinely happy being a SAHM, tell people when they ask you do the best job ever - looking after DS!

Some of the people on here who post the best advice are SAHM! I know when i was on mat leave I felt that people thought my brains had come out with the placenta! Me & DH argued all the time because he didn't discuss things with me like before (new articles etc). He assumed I wouldn't be interested in anything none baby related! Soon put him right though!

Maybe you were used to being defined by your 'high powered & stressful job' or are missing it a bit because if you were genuinely happy you wouldn't feel ashamed.

Being a SAHM is a living and a valid one. If you think of it as being 'second class' then you will project that to others, you need to learn to value what you do for yourself.

If you want to talk politics and the economy then there is no reason you shouldn't, just join in the conversations and anyone there who thinks you'd not know anything about them will get a deserved surprise and no-one else will bat an eyelid.

Ohh I get this!!

I used to have a "proper" career in a huge organisation. But have been at home since i fell pregnant with DD who is nearly 2.

Im so sick of people assuming that I dont do anything other than watch Cbeebies. I got contacted by an old boss offering me work, who went on and one about me rotting away, wasting myself. When i pointed out that I'm at home educating my child i was told Mothers cant Teach!

Interestingly when I looked into childminding, this was treated very differently! I was inundated with praise about child care in the home and what a fab idea it was!

Nigella - I'm a SAHM too - when people ask I say 'I'm a full-time mother' and then proceed to bore them with how bloody happy I am. Spect your high-powered job wasn't making you as happy, hence the 'stressed'!

Be happy and be proud. And shock 'em with your well-informed and incredibly literate discourse and argument. I do!

I say I've retired. Which is true, I have nonplans to work again.

I stopped working when I was pregnant with ds. He's 8 now and I have no plans to work again (although I do home educate him).

I never had a proper career though, I messed about running little record lables and was doing un paid volunteer work when I fell pregnant at 22. To be honest, I am happy, dh is happy, ds is happy so I couldn't give a monkeys what other people think.

but don't let people make you feel like a 2nd class citizen! To an extent i think they can only make you feel that way if you let them, if you feel very proud of what you do and confident with it then they won't be able to shake the way you feel. They might look down on you, but you can just realise that they are being an idiot.
I'm a sahm but have never worked really, so maybe don't have that comparison as much between working in a high powered job then being sahm but I never let people make me feel bad about being a sahm as I know that is the best thing for me and my kids, of course we can still have opinions and understand politics etc. If people are suggesting otherwise then they are nothing but ignorant

Thanks everyone.

Like I said, I don't want to feel this way and don't think I should. I do wonder if it's due to the job I had before that for some reason makes me feel this way.Although I can honestly say, I never thought this of any SAHM when I was working.

I MUCH prefer life now. Before, I didn't sleep due to the stress, now being woken up by DS on the odd occasion is much nicer. It is bloody hard work being a SAHM, I am by no means trivialising it. Just wish I didn't want to whisper it when I was asked, but then I felt this way when I entered the tick box for "30 or above" on questionnaires

I am proud of being a working Mum - it's hard work but it also has it's benefits! I get people trying to make me feel inferior on both fronts though - guilty for being at work instead of with DC, not as good at my job because it's not my sole priority.

I agree with Firawla - people can only make you feel bad if you let them. I know I do a damn good job on both fronts so I don't care!!!! (and on the days when I doubt myself, DH is pretty good on the reassurance front!)

I dont think there is anything wrong with being a SAHM if your kids arent in FT education yet. IMO you are giving them the best start in life. And if you can manage financially then - why not?

I dont know what SAHM's do when their kids are at school from 9 until 3.30 though. I really don't understand women who don't want to at least get a part-time job once their DC's are at school. What do you actually do all day?

My DS and I started school on the same day - him in Reception at the local primary and me as an Admin Assistant at another local school.

I had been a SAHM for nearly 5 years and it was a bit scary to go back to work, but it's 6 years later now and I still love it.

I'm with Poogles. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

BUT, I know that if I wasn't a working Mum I would feel just the same as you. I am in a recognised profession and to a large extent it does define me. I would have found it very difficult to adapt if I hadn't gone back to work.

Whatever we do, we can't get it right can we?

I think it's a no win situation, I work full time and DP is a SAHD, I constantly get questions along the lines of "do you not love your DD enough to give up work and be at home with her?"

It really does break my heart that feel that way.

I'm incredibly envious of you being able to dedicate that much time and attention to your DC's.

Think you are doing well feeling like you are second class - I think I feel 3rd class at best. Having one DC I felt fine being a SAHM, with two pre-schoolers I just think life would be easier if I went to work .

WannabeNigella

You could try saying you're a nanny/housekeeper. Then explain that it's your own children you look after.

Seriously, though, that way of looking at it does underline the fact that you ARE doing a job, one that would have to be done by someone else if you weren't doing it.

Well, saying you work full-time when you've got an under-one year old doesn't make you feel like a first class citizen in front of some people (namely older women in my experience). So, I guess us poor mums can't win! We all have something to be proud of, how come we end up feeling bad about it?

Onetoo many is right - mums can't win. I'm a WOHM and am often judged for leaving my DCs all day. The number of times I've heard: "What a shame, do you HAVE to work for the money". And the answer to that is "yes", if I want to have more choices for myself and my family. (Mind you, I think I mix in the wrong circles!)

Whatever happens, you can't win.

wannabe I have never regretted a second of being a sahm and where I live I am fortunate to be able to be a sahm, housing is so expensive that most homeowners need both apretns to work, we were lucky to buy years ago and inherit a flat which helped us on the property ladder. I fall in between people on benefits and ladies who lunch. I used to feel a bit strange about not bringing in an income, but over the years I have come to accept that I am still doing a 'job' its just not paid. They are days you never get back and you never know what the future holds. Enjoy every moment and I agree with poogles it is the best job in the world!

bigfoot where I live part time /term time jobs that fit in with school are non-existant. So if I went back to work I then have to figure out childcare for the holidays and not spend time with DS. You are very lucky to have a term time job.

My DS is at school, I am currently pg and I look after the house and large garden and veggie plot, meet friends once a week/fortnight (some of these friends have been a lifeline to me in the past 2 years with bereavements in common and we still support each other), I run a small charity and provide a small element of support to others if they want it, have a greyhound, 6 chickens. I used to 'project manage' the refurb of our house I also see my parents weekly and sometimes help them sort out their finance requirements, fix pc, tax return. I am also currently catching up with the Stargate series I have missed . I never sit around wondering what to do!

apretns? parents! obviously don't spend my time spell checking

jobob I know I am lucky, I walked straight into a term-time only job and only work 5 hours a day, it really suits perfectly.

I didn't mean to be disrespectful asking "what do you do all day?" either, I am genuinely curious. I am the worlds crappest housewife so the thought of having free hours in which I am expected to do the cleaning makes me want to run a mile.

I also don't get involved in "lunching" or the gym or the PTA like some SAHMs I know so I would be really stuffed.

I am a sahm I have been for 5 years now very briefly went part time when my first was born but haven't worked outside the house since then. I did some part time admin for my husbands business for a while which I was self employed for a brief period but not anymore as I just cant do it with 4 children about the place as well.

I don't feel second class at all in fact I am really proud of being a sahm and feel really lucky!

ooh what a nice thread with no slagging off

it's so true what others have said on here - you can't win and only you can let other people make you feel shite so try and get in a position where you are comfortable. It is hard, and some people find it harder than others, to give up a big powerful job but hell, you are happy now, that has to be one big incentive.

As for what do SAHMs do when their children are at school? I work FT but have many friends who are SAHMs to school age children. A lot of them volunteer at the school and do reading, accompany school trips, help raise money for the school, some have caring responsibilities for elderly parents, some do Homestart (in fact a lot do this).

I recognise that as a full time working parent I couldn't do all those things as I don't have the time and I am extremely grateful that other parents volunteer their time to help out!

When I tell people that I'm a SAHM, I usually find that the problem is not that they look down on me for it but that they honestly don't know how to talk to me. My life is so very different to theirs that they don't know what to ask me. ~

I find it amusing that other people assume that because I am at home, the only thing they can discuss with me must be my children. I think people without children in particular forget that those of us with children also have lives...!

i work full time as i have to as am a single parent, however i think there is nothing wrong with being a SAHM and you shouldnt feel bad for this! if you have a parnter who is working to support you and your child that is great, be differnt if you were not working becasue you made a choice to be supported by the tax payers!

well done on you i think!!

I do wonder what the point is of staying at home once the kids go to school.

My head would turn to mash within days.