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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like a second class citizen cause I'm a SAHM?

149 replies

WannabeNigella · 11/10/2010 15:33

I don't feel I should feel this way but I do.

Everytime I get asked "What do you do for a living?" etc I cringe when I have to say that I don't, I'm a SAHM. I don't want to feel ashamed of it but I almost feel like my opinion on things doesn't count as much, that I can't possibly fully understand politics or the economy etc.

I used to have an extremely high powered and stressful job but gave it up when my DS came along and I am loving life at the moment.

Does anyone else feel this way? DH thinks I'm mental and imagining it Hmm

OP posts:
PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 13/10/2010 12:08

And I know one woman who went back to work for this reason and before her last child started school she had died of breast cancer.

proudnscary · 13/10/2010 12:20

I am utterly, totally, completely perplexed by mothers who judge each other regarding this issue. And pissed off! And am also a bit angry at women who apologise for their choices and worry so fecking much what other people think. FUCK 'EM!

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU ARE HAPPY IN YOUR CHOICE AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE SECURE AND THRIVING (WHICH THEY ALMOST CERTAINLY WILL BE IF YOU ARE GENUINELY AT PEACE WITH WHATEVER YOU DO).

Soz for shouting.

Whitethorn · 13/10/2010 12:22

Posie
Gosh I would hate to give my children the example that living on benefits is the way to go. And before I get flamed, I am not referring to people who cannot work but instead to women who are well educated and have prospects but instead chose benefits. I dont really get that.

proudnscary · 13/10/2010 12:22

AND I work FT, most my friends are SAHM. Never once felt judged in RL, ever. Maybe I choose not to notice. Maybe I am thick skinned. But whatevs, it works for me. I am v v v happy with life, family and work!

MrsC2010 · 13/10/2010 12:23

me neither Proud, I have never heard this discussion/seen these issues before. Nor the BF/FF one.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 13/10/2010 12:27

Whitehorn...clearly you are reading something in my post that isn't there. I haven't chosen benefits, but as my youngest is only two I would rather live on benefits for a short spell than, imo, abandon my children for care and kids clubs.

Whitehorn, I would hate to give my children the example that you only have value if you work and that people unable to work or who choose to care for their own children are somehow less worthy. My children know, without question, that I can, will and am always there for them....nothing in my way. (I also like to think that they know that Mummy used to work and will again.)

Whitethorn · 13/10/2010 12:28

Posie between the cancer story and the 'my children know I am there for them' quote, i dont think we will be seeing eye to eye any time soon Grin

QuickLookBusy · 13/10/2010 12:36

If you dont want to work, and can afford not to DONT. The early years go so quickly, you will never get it back, enjoy your child!!!!

I dont work, both DC in full time eduation,
and the reasons are many-mainly that we dont need the money, DH works ridiculous hours, and we all have a much happier family life because I dont do paid work. [I do voluntry work]

Gay thats great that you do what you want. Maybe let other women make their own decisions too, without trying to frighten them. How sad to think you would go to work incase your partner leaves you. What kind of a relationship is that? Dont bother having children with someone if you dont trust them.

pagwatch · 13/10/2010 12:44

Whitehorn

I can completely understand why you hold your views given your life experience.

I think the desire to be independent and to work is totally valid as is the desire to live as I have chosen to. We are all different with different circumstances.

I am of course concerned aboutthe women who make choices unknowingly and leave themseleves vulnerable. i absoloutely agree with that point.

I just wish that we stopped making assumptions about each other is all. I am not a ninny who worries about cupcake recipes just because I am not employed. And when I spent years as a WOHM I was not selfishly abandoning my children.

I don't know people who conform to these strereotypes in the real world yet you get on MN and suddenly we have otherwise sensible woman smashing each other over the head with them.

I want to say something all lovely and glib now like 'different strokes' or 'live and let live'

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 13/10/2010 12:56

My children know I'm there for them was rather tongue in cheek, highlighting the emotive language on either side of the fence as I think all parents are there for their children and missing the odd school play won't kill anyone. The friend who had cancer made a choice to return to a job that she didn't love for the sake of future employment and financial security, she would have rather stayed at home. (unlike many women who love their jobs and do not feel that they should stay at home or that their children need only them, she also didn't really need the money). So the point of including her story was to illustrate how sometimes making choices about what might happen and not making yourself happy right now may not always work out. The first two women I can pluck out of the air that have been dumped by their H's actually saw the SAHM in a much better position....the WOHM has had au pair after au pair and a H who hid money when he started his affair and it took months and months of court dates to get her dues.

Gay40 · 13/10/2010 13:56

I'm not really frightening anyone...it's a big decision to be a SAHM but many people don't think it through long term - rosy coloured spectacles are not helpful.

Just like if you had half a brain you'd put some money in the bank for Such Times, surely you'd give the same attention to your future.

Let's face it, it would be lovely to think that people stay happily married till the end of their days, but about 50% of the time it doesn't happen, for whatever reason. Unless you have your own private income for life and are financially independent of partner, welfare state and everything else, surely you have to give a thought to these things.

Nor do I go to work because I think my partner may leave. I just prefer the feeling of independence, the adult company, the purpose and the satisfaction.

I think I'm a better parent for it. Not that I'm a better parent than anyone else - I wouldn't dream of commenting. But for me, I couldn't be a SAHM on a permanent basis. I need to know I've contributed something to the world and my life other than the pattern on my latte.

Whitethorn · 13/10/2010 14:04

As for worrying about the 'pattern on my latte' Gay40 I presume you are being deliberatly cutting. Even as a WAHM, I think that is very rude.

My contribution to the world in my corporate job is fairly minimal - no saving starving children here so if my day changed to keeping home and doing homework, I cant say I think I would be making less of a contribution to the world,

Gay40 · 13/10/2010 14:07

Each to their own.

pagwatch · 13/10/2010 14:08

why do you assume that anyone who does not have a paid job is unfulfilled or not contributing. That is frankly a fucking stupid statement.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 13/10/2010 14:10

"I need to know I've contributed something to the world and my life other than the pattern on my latte."

Well if that's what you would do being a SAHM I think we're all delighted for your children that you work.

Whilst I still wince at the extremes of this argument I can appreciate the reasons that people choose whatever they feel is best.

proudnscary · 13/10/2010 14:12

God almighty.

Gay40 · 13/10/2010 14:19

No, I'm sure I'd fill the time while DD was at school but I'd rather not go through life filling in time.

I don't buy the idea that being with your kids 100% of the time automatically makes you a better parent.

pagwatch · 13/10/2010 14:22

But it would be your choice to 'fill in time' . Other people would relish the oppertunity to do things that they could earn no money from but which are fulfilling and meaningful.

I don'tthink that being withyour children 100% ofthe time makes you a better parent either. I don't think being at home makes you a better parent.

But equally getting paid to do a job does not make you more significant, more worthwhile, nor does it make your life have more significance. Unless you have no skills or abilities outside you 'job' perhaps

tittybangbang · 13/10/2010 14:25

Haven't read whole thread.

OP - Your education, your work and training, and your life experience prior to having your children is HUGELY important to them - they are lucky to have a mum like you, who is putting her talents, her intelligence and her energy into creating a good family life for them. Please don't feel like a second class citizen.

On a personal note, I work p/t and LOVE being at home: the aimlessness of my life sometimes, the long walks in the park with the dog, the naughty afternoon naps, the hours spent listening to plays on Radio 4 while I clean the house. I think there are women out there doing back-breaking labour and horrible minimum wage jobs who would kill for the luxury of time to themselves, to think, read and create. When I worked more time just FLEW by - not in a good way. You'd blink and a week would be gone. It made me feel panicky the way my life was passing me by in a blur of 'to do lists' - so fast.

Relax, and stop worrying what other people are thinking of you!

MrsC2010 · 13/10/2010 14:25

Ahhh here we go again, and this thread had progressed so maturely up until now. I should have known it only takes one to start an MN bunfight.

Hides thread

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 13/10/2010 14:25

Who does buy that idea? It's not for you to buy. I would rather spend my dcs early years with myself at home, I couldn't imagine handing them over to someone else....my choice. I think it has it's benefits, none of my children have been anything other than well adjusted, sociable and secure. This may have happened wherever they spent their early years. Same as the decision to send them to a Montessori pre school, I have no idea if it's really this method that has made them so delightful but I like to think so.

There aren't many women who stay at home when their dcs are at school....and they're certainly busy whatever.

fsmail · 13/10/2010 14:28

I think if you say you are a SAHM most people are jealous. I am and would not look down on you. You are a rarity as I only know one person who is and when I have to get out in the morning not even able to take my kids to school, I would love to be but then so would my DH so we both have mediocre jobs to pay the bills.

Gay40 · 13/10/2010 15:31

Busy doing what? @ Posie

pagwatch · 13/10/2010 15:38

well one I know runs a support line for parnets who have children recently diagnosed with disabilities.
My ex next door neighbout helps at the samaritans.

is thatthe sort of thing you were looking for Gay40?