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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like a second class citizen cause I'm a SAHM?

149 replies

WannabeNigella · 11/10/2010 15:33

I don't feel I should feel this way but I do.

Everytime I get asked "What do you do for a living?" etc I cringe when I have to say that I don't, I'm a SAHM. I don't want to feel ashamed of it but I almost feel like my opinion on things doesn't count as much, that I can't possibly fully understand politics or the economy etc.

I used to have an extremely high powered and stressful job but gave it up when my DS came along and I am loving life at the moment.

Does anyone else feel this way? DH thinks I'm mental and imagining it

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 11/10/2010 19:11

I see no reason to feel that way. I can't think of anything better than being at home with your children. I never know why anyone working in something like high level banking should have more interesting conversation. A lot of top level jobs are deadly boring-except to those doing them.

strandedatsea · 11/10/2010 19:27

I hear you sister, I hear you.

What I hate is when people keep asking me when I am going to go back to work.

Like it's so easy. Yeah, I'll just find the perfect job that brings in more money than I will spend on childcare, that fits in around school holidays and that would actually interest me.

Some people have no idea about the realities of looking after children. I admit, I didn't before I had them.

And yes I'm also fed up with people looking over my shoulder at parties for someone more interesting to talk to when I tell them I am a SAHM. Like you, I think this has something to do with the job I used to do.

piscesmoon · 11/10/2010 19:31

I really don't understand why people are defined by a job.

strandedatsea · 11/10/2010 19:37

Piscesmoon - I think it has a lot to do with how we have been brought up. I am of the "you can have it all" generation, spurred on by the likes of Cosmopolitan Magazine who made us think we could have amazing careers and a family. And a life. Ha ha.

Anyway, I agree with you and when I find myself asking my dd's what they want to "do" when they grow up (dd1 a policewoman, dd2 a princess)I do question this. After all, I have had several jobs, two very different careers and am currently a SAHM.

Perhaps it's time we taught our dc's that what you "do" isn't as important as who we are/how we behave etc.

fluffles · 11/10/2010 20:24

if it's a working non-parent asking what you do for a living then they're just trying to make conversation. i'd answer with what i trained as or used to do and then say that i was taking a break from that to bring up the kids.

you've got to remember that most casual conversations aren't actually about you or judging your life they're just about making conversation and being polite.

OmniaParatus · 11/10/2010 20:32

I totally agree with everyone saying you can't win!

My sister said to me (before I had kids) that my stressful job in an investment bank wasn't that bad because at least I didn't have to look after kids, which is 24/7 (she was a SAHM). Fair enough.

Today I am a SAHM with 2 DC's 3 and 1.9, and 4 months pg with my 3rd. She said 'Well, your life is easy, you don't have to get up for work every morning!' She works part time 5 days a week and has one 14 year old DD at home. . .

I guess it's a case of the grass is always greener. I certainly know that being a SAHM is much, much harder than I thought it would be. But until I go back to work full time while still being the sole carer for my DC's I'll never have it as hard as my sister .

scottishmummy · 11/10/2010 20:44

you wont get external approbation from strangers.and if you are lovin your life at mo good for you,but don't expect anyone to pat you on back for it either

and grass isnt greener as working mum,nor does that get lauded either i get the face and the precious moments mama speech.

be happy and confident with your own choice.do grow a thicker skin about others opinions

vespasian · 11/10/2010 20:47

I think this is in your head to be honest. I was a SAHM for five years and never felt anything but respect for what Idid. Perhaps that is because I felt secure in my decision. I would love to be a SAHM again it was the most blissfully happy five years of my life.

IME it was not easier than working, I work 70 hours plus most weeks and have to fit on top of that being a mother and a wife. I don't get why the most "worthy" option has to be the hardest one. I work the hours I do because I have no choice not out of choice. I would far rather work from 8 in the morning until tea time as a SAHM to be honest. As a SAHM I was able to study, read newspapers, journals and novels, I volunteered etc. I probably held better conversation than I do now that I work out of the home.

OmniaParatus · 11/10/2010 21:21

scottishmummy I didn't mean that the grass was greener for a working mum as I am a SAHM, I was pointing out that my sister said I was lucky to work when she was a SAHM, and lucky to be a SAHM when she was working. There is also a slight resentment there as she always thinks MY grass is greener than hers .

I wouldn't insult working mums either as in a few weeks I hope to be one, but hopefully if I work from home I can avoid the face. Except possibly from my sister!

DoraJo · 11/10/2010 21:24

I agree with Squitten, I think people honestly don't know what to say. Once you've said you're at home, conversation stops because they think they can't ask 'so how's work going?' or whatever they usually say. Maybe you could try giving a bit more information when you answer so they've got something to pick up on to continue the conversation? eg 'I'm at home with the children at the moment. It wasn't planned but.. it's working out well/I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would/I'm loving it/I'm hoping to find a job next year - or whatever suits!

VinaApsara · 11/10/2010 21:28

There is nothing inherently special or different about being with a SAHM or a WOHM (correct acronym?) that warrants praise or attention either way. You just have to be yourself and people will hopefully judge you accordingly to your personality whatever that may be.

greenlotus · 11/10/2010 21:29

You're a human being first and then a mum after that and then comes whether or not you WOH. I have done both and I'm the same person as far as I can tell. If you had a high powered job before you've certainly paid your share of taxes and earnt your time "off" doing the most important job in the world.

Quite a lot of the time people are just making small talk though and jobs are easy to talk about. Saying "I'm just at home" can be a bit of a conversation stopper if the other person doesn't have kids. What's stopping you saying "I'm a full time mum at the moment, used to be a XXXXX before I had the kids".

VinaApsara · 11/10/2010 21:30

..about being with a SAHM....

greenlotus · 11/10/2010 21:30

Sorry that "most important job in the world" was well cheesy . YKWIM!

FairyMum · 11/10/2010 21:36

I think its in your head. I am a WOHN and if I sit next to a SAHM at a dinner party I am more than happy just to sit next to another mother who I can talk "kids" with. I might ask if you want to go back to work, but only making conversation. I would not assume you can only talk about changing nappies either. I am a banker. Try that as a way to endear yourself...LOL

scottishmummy · 11/10/2010 21:37

not the ole mutha "hardest job in world" line.no it isnt.dont be deluded

WinkyWinkola · 11/10/2010 21:51

I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks about our domestic arrangements.

But I'm sure there are those who have disparaging opinions on SAHMs/WOHMs.

As long as you are happy, who cares?

scottishmummy · 11/10/2010 21:52

yep,do what you want but dont expect pat on back for it

FingandJeffing · 11/10/2010 22:02

hmm, I think lots of people just want an easy 'in' in a conversation. Jobs are an easy way. Though If someone said 'systems analyst' I'm not sure what I would say!

It's just awkward with anyone you only know slightly (well it is for me), I'm never quite sure what to say. So please forgive the slightly socially blundering asking about jobs or talking about the weather, it's probably me!

betelguese · 12/10/2010 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toddlerama · 12/10/2010 08:08

TBH, I used to say I was a trainee solicitor. People ran faster. I love being a SAHM, and I am definitely better informed on current affairs than I was, as I actually have time to listen to the news once in a while.

GrendelsMum · 12/10/2010 08:41

I agree with everyone who says asking 'what do you do?' is just a conversation starter - no-one really cares what you do, it's just to be polite.

If you say 'I'm a stay at home mum' and fall silent, then it's hard for a lot of people to think of anything to say. You can't say 'oh really, what does that involve?' or 'have you got any big projects on at the moment', which are the sorts of standard opening lines you might have for people who work. They end up just asking about your kids, and then you risk coming across as only interested in your kids.

I had a really useful book on self-esteem for women, and one of the tips was that if you're an SAHM meeting people at parties etc, you should always add in some detail about something you can have a conversation about. So not just 'I'm a stay at home mum', but 'At the moment, I'm looking after my children full time, and in the evenings, I play in a jazz band.' It just means that people can find something to talk about more easily that isn't your kids.

cornflakequeenie · 12/10/2010 08:57

I'm a SAHM, before I fell pg I too had a stressful and demanding job. I'm still getting used to being at home with my 8 month old, but I love every minute of it.

I can sort of understand what you're saying about being a second class citizen. People would give me odd looks and some dissaproving comments when they asked if I was going to go back to work, and my answer would be no. But, I just smile and learn to take it on the chin. I feel that I'm doing the best for my son and family and that's all that should matter.

Have you thought about how you can overcome this feeling? I've always liked to take an OU course, or start an online business. As always with us though, money comes into the picture - something we don't have too much of at the moment!

marzipananimal · 12/10/2010 09:29

I know what you mean about feeling 2nd class. I used to feel like this before I had ds and was 'only' doing voluntary work. I dreaded the 'what do you do?' question. Now that I have DS I feel really lucky to be a SAHM and often feel guilty when i tell people i'm not going back to work as i know quite a few mums who would rather be at home but have to work for financial reasons

ray81 · 12/10/2010 09:34

I am very of all of you that get to stay at home. in a nice way though.

I am currently on Mat leave and will have to go back to work in Jan, although only PT, this is not a choice we need the money. I so wish i could be a SAHM i realy do. I nearly cry whenever i think of leaving my DD, and she is going to be looked after by one of my closest friends, god knows what i will be like on the day i start back.
I have tried to think of everything i could do to stay at home, even selling my body in the evenings DH wasnt so keen on that though . Not sure many would pay to see this body either. any other ideas welcome

Be proud of what you do OP, i can imagine it is great being a SAHM and sod all those that dont think you can talk about anything other than nappies etc.

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