to feel like a second class citizen cause I'm a SAHM?

[WannabeNigella]

I don't feel I should feel this way but I do.

Everytime I get asked "What do you do for a living?" etc I cringe when I have to say that I don't, I'm a SAHM. I don't want to feel ashamed of it but I almost feel like my opinion on things doesn't count as much, that I can't possibly fully understand politics or the economy etc.

I used to have an extremely high powered and stressful job but gave it up when my DS came along and I am loving life at the moment.

Does anyone else feel this way? DH thinks I'm mental and imagining it

I'm with riven on this...I have been a sahm for 8 years and love it and no one makes me feel 2nd class.

I go past places where I have worked in the past and shudder...would HATE to be in that environment again.

I also home ed my eldest, have a 2 year old and am an assistant beaver leader so we are always busy!!

If people ask me what I do, I tell them I look after my DD. The fact that she is in year one is neither here nor there, I want to be the one to take her to school, pick her up, spend the holidays with her. She has a couple of close friends who go to childminders and they loathe it - they want to go home at the end of the school day.

I know I'm lucky to have the choice to stay at home and am aware that it would send other mums' brains to mush. Just now DD and I are excitedly planning what we're going to do during half-term and I'd much rather spend time with her than work colleagues.

If you're mixing with people who can only have a conversation based on what your job is then they have very poor social skills.

I'm not sure anyone expects a pat on the back whatever they do.

Some appreciation for all efforts at work, at home and with kids is of course always welcome.

I didnt go back to work after maternity leave. I went back just on Saturdays when DD was about 13months. DH works Mon-Fri and is at home Sats. So thats when I go to work and DH and DD get to spend day together having nice father-daughter time.

We felt that even though we dont have a lot of money to have holidays etc, we can cope as long as long as we are careful. We wanted one of us at home in her early years at least. It just happened that I earned less and it was best it was me and Im very pleased we make the sacrifices we do for her sake.

I work most weekends now-Im very very lucky that although we do depend on the money I earn now, I can choose not to work a weekend sometimes so we get a proper weekend together.

I do some paperwork at home every week but it doesnt take long and I dont get paid a lot for it.

I know how OP feels about some people looking down at you a bit, but we did what was best for us as a family and best for DD. Thats not the same for everyone I guess.

During the day I have dog to walk, the usual cleaning, washing, ironing, hoovering, shopping....guess i need to get on with it really. It will be 3pm before I know it

I would love to be a sahm if I could afford it and I definately wouldn't feel ashamed about it. I'm loving being on maternity leave at the moment having being able to spend some lovely time with my son before starting school, and now while the baby sleeps I can catch up on all the cleaning, decorating boring ironing so have nothing to do but hang out with my family at the weekends, love it!

Like NoelEdmondsHair, my kids are all at school but I am around for them right up to school hours, and during, if they are unwell (and sometimes have forgotten school kit) - they know they can come home and I will usually be around. One of my ch. had a very similar medical situation to KatyMac's daughter from 2007 onwards, which necessitated me being on hand at the drop of a hat to go into school and "do lessons" in the SEN suite or bring my child home, or sit with them in lessons and take notes - this was during the last couple of years and there is always a possibility that this situation can recur. I am on hand when my kids come home, which is valued immensely, and all the rest of the time I am volunteering at the school or running midday groups, or assisting my OH with their 'working-from-home' work. I also do some writing and reviewing and I help run a website. Staying at home means we have a much more limited income but we are a happier family because of the way we work it. My brain has not turned to mush at any point, when the kids were little or now they're older, because I read a lot - currrent affairs, science, history, theology, fiction - and discuss a lot with my OH and my children, and we get ourselves to the theatre as often as we can afford.

I know I am lucky to stay at home, but it works for us.

I am a WOHM mum and am ever so envious of the SAHM because you can spend time with your DC's while I am at work. I am increasingly finding it difficult to leave my DD at the minders all week while I am at work but as it is we cannot afford for me to work part time until September next year. I am in education so luckily work flexible hours and finish work at 3pm each day and have holidays off. That said I still feel very guilty that I cannot spend more time with my DD who is nearly 18 months now, I miss her terribly when I am at work. So, OP - do not feel like you are a second class citizen at all. What you are doing is fantastic and don't let other people make you feel awful about it

I agree with what DandyDan has just said. I know the previous poster was only speaking for herself, but as a SAHM to preschoolers and babies, you dont tend to get raised eyebrows generally - its very much acceptable to be home with them if you can afford to be - its generally universally accepted that many parents will do this in the same way that its generaly accepted that those who work will use nurseries and childminders.

However, there is less acceptance of parents/women who stay home once that young child has started school. Its as if that perfect job that is stimulating, well paid enough to justify after school clubs/childminders etc, local, flexible and the like is that easy to come by that you are crazy for not taking it up!

In my situation, not only can we afford for me to stay off indefinitely (good planning as well as a sprinkling of luck if you consider intelligent enough to go to university luck I suppose, getting on housing ladder etc) but my DH's job would make it very difficult for me to get work other than perhaps part time local. He travels a lot, does long hours at times, is 1.5 hours from home when he is in the office, and is often unavailable in meetings etc.

Okay so single parents "manage" to work and school hols etc so of course its possible, but its stressful, and if you dont need the money, it may just be better off for everyone if you are in the home. Particularly if you have been there and done that with the career/rat race thing. It doesnt have to be the woman, it could just as much have been the man in our situation, but as it turned out I was happy to give it all up and he was happy, in fact grateful, for me to do so.

But it doesn't need to mean your brain will turn to mash (not that its what the previous poster was saying, just that hers would). It really depends on how you spend that time when the children are at school. Which is only 6 hours. From what I've heard, it goes kind of fast and its time to pick them up again...

agree that its all in your head, not others. enjoy this time and dont put opinions in others heads!

I was out for coffee with a friend a couple of weeks ago. Both of us are SAHMs. Old dear behind the counter started chatting away to us and asked if we were having a nice day off work. We both said we were SAHMs. She was so pleased, told us what a wonderful thing we were doing, how out kids would always love us for us. Basically a bit over the top. BUT afterwards felt quite pleased that someone had recognised what we were doing as a positive, rather than a negative.

The trouble is, when your kids leave home and so does your husband (with someone he met at work) and you have to fend for yourselves financially and otherwise, you've not got a great deal to offer an employer.

You might think from this I'm against SAHMs. I'm not - do what you want in life - but in this day and age it would seem spectacularly naive to think someone else will keep you for the rest of your days.

I've been a SAHM for just over 8yrs now and I've done voluntuary work in that time (gardening for the elderly) once a week when DD1 went to the childminder for 5hrs.

Then when DD2 came along 2yrs later I finished the voluntuary work and did evening and weekend work doing home care for the elderly and dissabled.

Then after being messed around by the agency and put in dangerous situations I resigned and decided that as I liked being a SAHM and my kids were both at school that I would care for other people's children, so became a childminder myself.

So I still get to be a SAHM and get paid for it as well

It would spangle my head. Yes I'm a mum but I need more from life than the school run, voluntary work and farting around after DP of a daytime.
I'm not defined by my job but I couldn't imagine not working.

ime,only on mn do people have such rigid stereotypes.i work ft through choice have pals who are sahp.as a general we dont define ourselves/our friendships by who does what

when we go out the shared commonality is of being a parent,and we like each other

have met plenty precious moments mamas and had the face too.but they are best ignored.as precious moments mamas who finger paint, explore heuristically and dance to the biddulph beat usually get on everyone tits anyhoo

Well I am a WOHM and feel like a 2nd class citizen who does all jobs badly so there you go..... you simply cannot win

gay40
I would not have made the decision to SAHM if I was not as certain as anyone can be of my financial situation.

Assuming that all SAHMs are leaving themselves exposed to finacial vulnerability is a bloody big assumption.

I am a SAHM and will never be in the workplace again. My circumstances and my choice. No one elses business really.

And FWIW it is a blast. You are only bored if you have no choices or no imagination .

If all the people who support all the voluntary services suddenly went into paid emplymentthe country would soon notice.

Just because you don't pick up a pay check does not mean that how you spend your day has no value

and rofl atthe idea of farting around after DP. he is big enough to take care of himself.

Pagwatch
With all due respect judging by the profile pic of your beautiful home, you have to worry about finances less than most and it is great that you are financially set up for life.
However that is not the case for most SAHM's. Should their husbands or partners leave or worse, they would be left very exposed. In reality by staying at home you are giving up a huge amount of your independence, whether you like to admit it or not, so I think Gay40 has a very valid point and it would be foolhardy to ignore it.

In saying that I am considering giving up said independence but circumstances may not allow this,

Laughing scornfully at the usual suspects who have to bne bitchy about other people's choices, showing their lack of imagination. Precious moment Mamas (ewww I feel like a twat for just typing that) is as vile as 'heartless mother leaving her children with strangers' shit.

Perhaps some people make better full time (ie physically there) parents than others., OP be proud of raising your child, it's a wonderful thing to do. It has it's challenges but everything does. As for financial security I don't believe you have anymore if you owrk or don't. If my DH's income was split and we both worked I would still be fucked if he left, I don't know anyone who could afford for their husband to bugger off, working or not.

Hi Posie
I guess the discussion for or against is quite deep and there are extremes with both views.
Would I be fucked if my husband left, not really as I pull a decent salary that push comes to shove could support my family, if not in our current 'style'.
You are right though, there are multiple personal reasons why someone stays home or works, and tbh I admire anyone who loves, cares for their children regardless how they go about it.
Its hard enough without people making petty comments.

The financial aspect is a real one though and given the rate of divorce, it shouldnt be ignored.

whitethorn

I know that not everyone is in the same position as me - I did say that - but with respect i was resonding to Gay40s equally daft assertion that no woman can be financially independent unless she has a job. One that you seem to be repeating.

I am independent and would stay so even post a divorce. If we spilt up it would affect our finances but I would still be able to SAHM if I chose to.
It is unusual but peoples lives are varied and complicated and I get slightly annoyed at the oft repeated assumption that I am sleepwalking into financial dependency and need some savvy WOHM to point that out.

I don't mean you or Gay40 - but this is not the first time we have had this thread

Pagwatch I dont think women nowadays necessarily sleepwalk but I guess my viewpoint on this will always be coloured by me being the daughter of a woman who was left with 3 children and ended up doing a crappy job her whole life to keep her head above water as she did sleepwalk into handing over her independence.

If my DH left tomorrow I would have a roof above my head and a car, if he was a complete loser and provided nothing I would live on benefits. Without support, ie like an Au pair, I wouldn't be able to work anyway. Just because finances were rubbish I wouldn't change my view that until my dcs are all at school I do not want to work.

I have started my own business, making coats, and provided some entrepreneurial ideas for software which are in the process of being sold and so there's no way ~I would be left high and dry.

Implying that women should all work, against their own needs and instinct, is remarkable dull and wrong. I, categorically, do not want my children spending their pre school and baby days in a nursery or with a minder/nanny and if that means I, ultimately, sacrifice a softer cushion if my DH walks out it is a risk I willing to take.

What if I worked full time just in case he buggers off and sacrifice the baby years (for me it would be a sacrifice) and then he stays and I lose my job anyway? Either way it's a risk.