to feel like a second class citizen cause I'm a SAHM?

[WannabeNigella]

I don't feel I should feel this way but I do.

Everytime I get asked "What do you do for a living?" etc I cringe when I have to say that I don't, I'm a SAHM. I don't want to feel ashamed of it but I almost feel like my opinion on things doesn't count as much, that I can't possibly fully understand politics or the economy etc.

I used to have an extremely high powered and stressful job but gave it up when my DS came along and I am loving life at the moment.

Does anyone else feel this way? DH thinks I'm mental and imagining it

Katerlina talks the most sense. We women bother TOO much on what other people think of us.
Bet men would not do the same
We are our own worst enemies!

In the same boat as you, OP. Used to have high earning/high powered job which I gave up to be a SAHM.

Job could take up anywhere from 60/70hrs per week and part time not an option in this particular field.

So I chose to have a child. I went in with eyes open and I knew that I would not be able to get back to work while DD is small and that is ok with me.

Although occassionally singing incy wincy for the 20th time that day does make me long for sensible conversation, I don't regret it.

Now, the reaction I get from other people.....

Its as if I've just told them that I am a mass murderer or something. The "oh right, well" and the stare generally says it all.

Met a former colleague yesterday when I was in town shopping with DD. He made small talk and just as he was about to walk away, he turned and said: "why on earth could you just walk away and ruin your career like that? To have a baby?!?".

Honestly didn't know what to say or where to look.

I don't feel bad about giving up my career as I worked hard and contributed plenty in every way. But why are others making me feel bad about it? Defies belief.

Have good friend who was pregnant same time as me. She has gone back to work and now sneers at me for staying at home. Even she is making me feel bad about it (she wanted to be Earth Mother but felt she failed at it and ran off back work saying: "thank god for that - so rubbish being a SAHM"!).

Anyway, OP don't feel bad about your choice. I don't but a continually staggered at the reaction of others.

We're doing the very best for our DCs and thats all that matters.

dont recognise the description of motherhood as a leveller, and all the mothers in harmony and unity.for some the jostling and competition starts in pg and continues after birth.

who had most natural birth who had no pain relief?
who did yoga,who sucked on a trebor mint only
an earth mother hemp sling or pricey pram?
how did you feed?
back to work or not?

mothers arent a homogeneous mass,and act of childbirth doesnt necessarily unify or act as leveller

only have to read baby threads on mn to see the aggro about how other mums raise or feed their baby

the thread about the 3wk old in childcare wasnt exactly a leveller,as in "ach we are all mums.all level.group hug ladies"

nor are babies at nursery threads.

in fact they illustrate the range and polarity of opinions

Ok Skandi your friend 'sneers' at you and 'runs away' back to work, people react to you 'as if I was murderer or something'...notice the judgemental, biaised and emotive language you are using?

I doubt very much anyone is judging you in this way, the language and phoney-sounding dialogue you present suggests it's you that has a problem with your choice but you've decided to lash out at imaginary adversaries.

I have never once felt judged in RL over my choice to work full time and most my friends are SAHMs as I posted earlier in this thread. But even if they were judging me I wouldn't really notice or indeed give a fuck my family and I are happy and secure.

'runs back to work'

because my family and I are happy and secure

You are doing THE most important job being a SAHM in my opinion. What could be more important than providing a grounded and loving start to life? The early years are VERY forative years and will shape their adulthood. Yes SAHM's often have to make sacrifices but it's usually for only a few years. I know not everyone wants to be or can afford to be a SAHM and I feel very honoured to be able to share so many precious moments with my little ones.

nonsense,not most important job,isnt a job.is the role and demands of parenting.not a job at all

I'm a SAHM, before I went on maternity, I had decent-ish NHS job. It's easy when you're on maternity, you can sort of make out that you don't have no choice - you're obliged to be at home and look after your baby. But fitting into the SAHM identity takes a lot of getting used to. My daughter is 2 now and I feel I've made the right decision as she always seems a cut above those that are in nursery (though I am biased).

I went through a phase of looking for working when she was about 18mnths, went to lots of interviews and just felt that I'd definitely prefer the company of my daughter... probably even more stimulating. And the nurserys I visited left me feeling cold. I'm now pregnant with no. 2 so don't feel the need to make excuses to anyone now. My OH's job takes him all over the country and beyond so its probably good for my daughter to have some stability with me in the home.

a cut above those that are in nursery -what diamond encrusted poos? reading mandarin?.or just a braggy mammy

Oh please don't use terms like 'a cut above those in nursery.'

I've been a SAHM for 15 years and I'd like to formally dissociate myself from that view - fanning the flames or what?

Actually, Rev, reading back now, I can see why your dander got up - but rise above! Rise above!

Good grief - ditto.
I am a sahm too. I don't know anyone dim enough to describe their two year old as 'a cut above' anything or anyone.

Who even uses that phrase about people - except perhaps desperate social climbers

Oh. Pethaps I need to read back and figure out why 'a cut above' is ok
Or maybe hide thread instead if it is plumbing the depths where that is ok as tit for tat

proudnscary

As I mentioned I don't regret or mind staying at home. Went in eyes open knowing that I would simply not be able to continue with my career (employers attitude very inflexible and hours could not be cut and foreign travel of 3 days per week could not be cut either).

I was simply sympathising with the OP on the apparent attitude of other. Not everyone gives me "the look" but I really am surprised at those who do. Always the ones who least expect it.

As for my friend, I mentioned it as she continually says: "don't know how you don't go insane staying at home with your DD".

So happy to hear that you've not felt judged for your choices. Must be lovely. But if you were so happy and secure you probably wouldn't feel the need to come and post in this particular thread...

Also agree with Scottishmummy! Motherhood not a great leveller at all. Well put.

I'm happy and at peace, I really am. I've come on this post because it's interesting and because the OP needed sympathy and a pep talk from both sides of the fence.

I'm sorry if you've had stupid comments and odd looks. It would never even enter my mind to do or think that. And no-one's done that to me in RL. Maybe because I'm fecking SCARY!!

This thread I mean, not post..durrr.

I also agree with 'Cut through the shit and kick ass' Scottishmummy.

I'm a SAHM and I'm quite ambivalent about it.
I am a SAHM who didn't have a job to go back to when my first child was born and I now feel I'm not confident enough to go back to work.
I feel very guilty, as I think I should be working.
I haven't become a SAHM because I think children need their parents 24/7, I really don't fall in that category.
I do not feel a second rate citizen though.

I am in a bonus position that I am a carer for DS (who attends mainstream school) so I say I am a carer - as I feel ashamed to say I am a SAHM to my two DCs.

DH thinks I'm bonkers quite frankly. He thinks I do an amazing job with them and I should be proud to do the job I do, but I just can't. I don't know why as we are always busy but it just feels lazy to me despite working really hard at this job.

I am however, unable to return to the workplace because of DS so maybe it's the barrier of not being able to do work rather than being a SAHM?

There's a fab quote out there in the ether somewhere that goes something like... I'm a pschiatrist (to dh) nurse (to ds) teacher (to dd1) masterchef to .... you get the idea? Someone better than me at this ICT stuff might be able to find it cos I'd love a copy myself at the moment - see ebay strand (in trouble with husband). I'm finding the money side of things, as in dh is the 'breadwinner', hard at the moment.

I can understand how you feel OP but you really don't need to. I feel fantastic about being a SAHM. It took me while to get there but that was due to others expectations arther than my own. Deep down it felt right. I also have been a working mum and that felt right for some time. If you and family are happy, bugger everyone else really! Enjoy the time with your children, it flies by!

Gay40, ime the people who do best as mature students- carving out a totally new career for themselves in their 40s and 50s- are the former SAHMs. An excellent qualification imho and one that employers should appreciate more. And fwiw all my friends from toddler group except one have either gone back to their old careers (maybe with a different employer/different slant) or made new careers for themselves after dcs started school. So it doesn't seem as if SAHMing has turned into anything particularly helpless.

Pag, I didn't mean to say that it was ok to use that phrase - just that I could see what might have given rise to the impulse to post it.

I don't really think a tit for tat mentality should apply ('s why I said to rise above)- hope I didn't give that impression!

I only feel like second class on MN, particularly a certain mad poster, in RL I havn't encountered anyone turning their nose up at me for not working. Maybe they do behind my back, but who give's a fuck. Really WHO gives a fuck?

tbh,no one so dont sweat it