to want grandad to pay for private primary?

[educationeducationeducation]

I've namechanged for this.

My DS is in primary 4 at a local state school which I moved to get him into because of its good reputation. I only ever expected him to go there for a year or 2 while I was on maternity leave. However, I was made redundant and have been unable to get another job.

We live within walking distance of a 'perfect' private school which has an intake of an extra class in primary 5 (next year).

I know we could wait until he is due to start secondary (same school) when he will be eligible for a bursery but I want him to go next year. If I had ANY spare money I would use it to send him there, but we are currently classed as 'living in poverty' (4 people on £17k).

There are 2 main reasons why I dont want to wait. Firstly, his IQ is higher than the top 1% of the population. He used to be 4 years ahead of his peers but this has shrunk to 2. His current school has very little to offer him academically. He cruises and has become quite arrogant about being smarter then the other children (and teachers). His school has a 'softly, softly' attitude to what I deem bad behaviour. I can see how this is appropriate for other children but he just manipulates and take advantage. He needs a stricter environment.

Secondly, the children he has chosen to be friends with are not the kind of children I want him to associate with. For example his best friend gets coke for breakfast and is dropped off at school by a shell-suited mother with the obligatory fag hanging out of her mouth. From these children my DS has picked up such an unpleasant accent that I am frequently embarassed at hearing him speak. I really dont want him exposed to these influences any longer.

So I think it's reasonable to want my Dad (a millionaire on paper) to not wait until secondary to help pay school fees. He thinks private primary is indulgent and unnecessary and can't seem to fathom that by the time DS is 11 too much damage will have been done. I went from a good state primary to a private secondary and I never felt like I fitted in.
I know Dad can afford it. I'm an only child so it's not like he has other grand DCs other than mine to provide for.

AIBU?

I Pag so much it hurts :)

noah-I'm not a troll. I post here regularly. I can see I was right to namechange .

laurie- I probably was spoiled as a child, but that's hardly my fault is it? Exactly what sense of entitlement was I displaying?

lulu- I specifically said that he can afford it. If he didn't have the cash available it would be a non-issue wouldn't it? I am the bookeeper for his business so I know how much disposable income he has.

But I have seen him slip academically since he's been at this school. I see his 'rich but not so bright' friends at private schools coming on leaps and bounds and it makes me sad that he's becoming another statistic.

pooka- probably not but it has given me advantages in life over my friends who went from our state primary to the state secondary.

It is a good school for average ability children. It's just not suitable for children in my DS's ability range.

grape and lemon- you sound jealous love

fransandisco- I have quite a high IQ but nowhere near the level of DS.

zuchie- It's a sad but true fact of life that peple are judged by how they talk. Having a regional accent doesn't bother me but not speaking properly will lead to him getting discriminated against later in life.

As I said my Dad is very pro private education. He just thinks it's ok to wait until secondary.

littleredsquirrel- I specifically didn't say 'expect', of course that would be unreasonable! Even on our income we would contribute £1-200 pcm towards the fees of £7500pa. He was intending to help with secondary fees anyway so it's only 3 years extra I'd like. If I can get a job before then I'll be able to pay it myself, and for our younger DC.

Riven- I had a high-flying career before the recession, have you heard of that? It's not my or my school's fault there's been an economic downturn.

sapphire and 2 shoes- I hope it makes you feel big and clever to laugh at other people.

Blu-DS told me. When children are pumped full of rubbish in the morning they turn up at school on a sugar high, which can't make it easy for the teacher to teach. This impacts on my child's education.

threelittleducks- Learning bad habits isn't 'rounded' it's bad behaviour. I don't want him to grow up thinking this is acceptable.

jelly-My friend's DS is being put through private school by his grandparents. Read some of the private school threads on here. It's quite common for grandparents to help with fees.

orm- Unlike probably all of the posters on this thread I went from a state primary to a private secondary. I saw 1st hand several of the pupils on bursaries waste their opportunity because they were too set in thier ways by the age of 11.

moonmin-I don't have a posh accent. DS is certainly not embarassed by me.

pagwatch- Did no-one ever tell you sarcasm is the lowest form of wit?

hedge- and you're calling me a snob? I'm not 'on 17k'- I was made redundant. My partner earned this in his first year of setting up a new business.

poppy- He is too young for a standard IQ test. At his age we would have to pay £300 for an educational psychologist to assess him. Tests that are designed for older children/adults and the opinion of several teachers have estimated his IQ as between the top 1% and top 0.01%.

mistletoekisses- I am grateful that he has offered to help later on. Although when I return to work I will be happy to pay the full fees myself.

Yes I know how much private nursing homes cost. Where do you think my Dad's money came from ?

sailorsgal- The books are included. It's within walking distance. There is a 2nd hand uniform shop.

mollie0- Thanks for not being a bitch. No local private schools have bursaries for under 11s. We are considering boarding...

madame- I have applied for loads of jobs, I just havn't had any luck. He isn't getting his arrogance from my parenting. I tell him on an almost daily basis that being smart isn't the most important thing, that it's more important to be nice.

My reasoning behind wanting him at a very high-academic achieving school is that he is less likely to be the 'top dog' there. I am hoping that if he can't run academic circles around the other children there then he will lose some of his arrogance.

soupdragon-I'm the first to say that he isn't a very nice person. Not all children are the same, you know.

shadeof violet-hence the ''.

algebra- I would have homeschooled him if I'd known I would be out of work for so long. Iagree with your last point. I blame the father . He was also an arrogant . Thankfully he hasn't been heard from since I was pregnant.

anastasiak- I don't disapprove of this friendship because the boy is a chav poor. He is a troublemaker whose parents don't give a about education.

I don't want him to be a 'freaky genius'. being outwith the 'normal' spectrum is a PITA tbh. It causes a lot of problems with him being out of sync with his peers. If it was my choice I'd rather he was closer to 'normal' and just a nice boy. But that's not going to happen and nothing I can do can change that.

system- what a snob you are. I use the different versions in different contexts. Grandad sounded just right for you lot.

dmo- I am not a SAMH on benefits. DS's biological father f*** off. I'm unemployed and activly jobsearching.

nesta- No actually he did very little for his money. It was my Mum who worked for it.

My partner is a millionaire on paper (built from scratch through sheer hard work), and recently his brother has been making unsubtle hints about us paying for his son to go to private primary. In order to do this my partner would either have to work harder - he already works a regular 60hr week and occasional weekends - or sell some assets, which were meant for our future. We have a 2yr old ourselves and another baby on the way. Why on earth should we pay for his nephew? His brother has made no effort to save ANYTHING he earns, and he has a decent job. If it's your father's money, then it's his decision. My partner went to private secondary but feels he would have succeeded at any school because he is bright (he has an exceedingly high IQ). A friend of mine from childhood was taken out of our state school because he was so bright and was sent to private school - he was supposedly a good few years ahead of the rest of us. By the time he left after O Levels he was no brighter than many others. He hadn't fallen behind, the rest of us had simply caught up. And as for who your son has chosen to be friends with - just be glad he has friends. Kids do pick up habits - including accents - from others, fact of life. This shell-suited family are not making your child stupid. Your attitude is rather shocking. The main problem I foresee for your child is his bitter and disgruntled mother.

Sorry OP - you are still vile!!

thanks for replying to my suggestion Educationx3. anyway - is homeschooling still a possibility? if you really feel that strongly that his school is letting him down, it could be a great idea. you could just do it until he's secondary age, and then you can start working again. I'm sure if your dad is that well off he would at least make sure you didn't get into hardship.

and I do empathise about his best mate being a bad influence, stepson had the same problem. there's been many threads on that subject. though moving schools wouldn't have split them up so you may just have to put up with it.

I don't think there's any easy solution TBH - there's no guarantee that private primary would sort him out anyway.

[shocked] Oh you are so not BU..

Have you told your father about the mothers with the shell suit and fag hanging out her mouth at the school gate - surely a major health and safety hazard (they are highly flammable doncha know) -your dc could be in danger every day - maybe that would convince him..

education, you seem to have missed a major point in helping your ds to grow up into a well educated and well balanced individual

namely, that his behaviour is something he will be responsible for

if he behaves arrogantly towards other pupils and teachers, then that reflects on your parenting and his choices, not on his friends and teachers

he is not a baby, he must take some responsibility for his attitudes

to me, a rounded individual is not one who has learnt bad habits, it's one who knows what bad habits look like and has developed the moral strength not to adopt them

quite a few of us have brought up children who have been more academically or educationally advanced than their peers: they've had to learn to deal with it in a civilised manner

and his attitude towards education is also at least partly his responsibility

you have not done yourself any favours with your judgmental and snobbish attitudes about shells suits and coke- it is possible to be less than sartorially perfect and still have something interesting to contribute

nor by your peculiar maths (how can anyone be higher than the top 1%???)

if he is at the top of the top 1%, then he will always have to work with people who are less advanced than him: you're going to have to teach him to deal with it; otherwise, he will be just as miserable at Oxbridge and in the workplace

as for the accent, it is not the case that you can only have one accent; to me, a well educated person is one able to use different registers; with his mates he can speak like them, and you can teach him a more socially advantageous accent at home; if you regularly discuss things with him and share books with him and take him to the theatre etc. why on earth would he grow up unable to access an educated accent? hasn't happened to my children and they attend the local comprehensive; I use the local accent aqs an example to talk to them about linguistics (see the axe/ask thread)

surely as a parent you can do something to ensure that your ds does not get set in his way?- if he finds your company intellectually stimulating, why would he get "set in his ways" as you call it

but most importantly:

You don't know what your dad may need his money for: we thought my MILs money would be there for us to inherit, but since she became disabled she has needed every penny to pay for nursing care as the NHS simply could not provide for her needs- we are so thankful she didn't spend it on dcs' education! FOr the elderly, savings is an insurance against ending up in a nursing home where they haven't got the equipment you need to get to the loo. A healthy child otoh can compensate for the school's drawbacks by visiting the public libraries.

shriekable- I think that your BIL is being very unreasonable. Of course you shouldn't feel any obligation to pe his DS. My situation is a good bit different though. My Dad did and does very little for all his wealth. I have worked very hard at my career, making sound financial decisions with a view to affording pe. Given that both DS's parents were high academic achievers I do expect him to do well in his exams in a few years even if he isn't as far ahead as he is now.

Algebra-I don't think I could pick up homeschooling now. Dad wouldn't help with that. Moving school would end the friendship. They don't see each other outside school. Even though this other child is 8 he doesn't know his address or phone number!

I know there are no guarantees. But as far as I can see it's my best bet.

Look OP I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are genuine. You want your dad to pay 3 extra years fees for your son even with your contribution of 100-200 pm you still want him to cough up between £15,000 - £20,000, and this is on top of his helping with secondary fees. That is a lot of money for anyone even if you do have it sitting around. If it was me I would want to know I am getting value for it. This is the crux - your father does not believe that private primary for your son is value for his money and therefore he chooses not to spend it. This is right and his choice.

Also I think the fact you are your dad's bookkeeper gives you an insight into his finances. I am an accountant and it is completely unethical for you to be using the information you get from doing his books to your own advantage. The info you have should be kept seperate and not used by you to put pressure on your dad.

As an aside you obviouslt have another child are you going to be looking for you dad to contribute another £20k for him/her or are they not bright enough?

How much your dad did or does for his wealth is irrelevant. His money is no less his because he didn't work hard for it. Equally just because you did work hard does not entitle you to money that is not yours. Sometimes we get dealt a shitty hand. Thats life other people shouldn't have to pay for what you want just because you can't afford it anymore.

cory- you have made some good points. I know that my DS's personality stinks. It's a whole other arguement about the extent genes/ parenting/environment have played a role in this. I know that a private primary isn't a 'quick fix' for his problems. But I feel that being at a school with a similar ethos to his home would mean continuity. He gets away with things at school that my private school would have given detention/punishment exercises etc for. He is learning that he can behave badly with no consequence.

I know that the problem of his academic ability will follow him his whole life in ANY environment. And I know he is going to have to learn to deal with this in a civilised manner. I just think that might be easier in a school with other similar pupils.

Re: his speech. If he speaks like that with his friends then you're right it doesn't matter. But he is speaking like that all the time. I am constantly correcting him.

We are only talking about 3 years of fees. It is highly unlikely that he will need residential care in that timeframe. He is still earning and will be doing so for the forseeable future.

I don't believe I just read the OP!

I've never been to a private school and now I'm a solicitor at a top London firm.

The arrogance is beyond belief.

bluefergie- As I have said, when I return to work I will pay for both my DCs to go private myself. I'm willing to sacrifice new cars/exotic holidays for that. But my Dad would rather buy drinks for his mates down the pub than contribute to his only grandson's future.

Why don't you charge your Dad £7,501 for your (wobbly ethics) bookeeping? The extra quid is for a few lemons for you, so you can properly give the shell-suit skank a cats arse look...

a1980- But I bet you didn't go to any of the state schools around here.

Your dad is contributing to your sons future - he is going to pay his secondary fees. Quite frankly considering how ungrateful you are I wouldn't even do that if I were him. It doesn't sound like he'll get much thanks.
His money he can do what the hell he likes with it.

There are other extras other than the ones you mention. Some are voluntary eg: PTFA but what about music lessons, school trips. School lunches are around £200 a term at our school and I also pay for which is £40 per term and tennis is also extra.

Ive just realised why those posh people keep coming and rubbing themselves on me every Tuesday - I thought it was my shell suit static they liked - no they were 'rubbing a bit of rough every tuesday'.

Your child so your responsibility. If you aren't able to address his attitude then it is you who is failing in your responsibility. You are trying to pass the buck so that a school will put it right and you are looking to your father to fund it too.Which bit of raising your child do you see as your responsibility?

education x3 Sorry, I posted before having sight of the myriad sacrifices you are making. When I think of the (hypothetical) cars and the (theoretical) exotic trips that you have surrendered, I take back any ill-thoughts or sarcasm I had directed at you; you are clearly hugely balanced and fair. I cannot believe your Dad is spunking your childs future down the Trowel & Hammer.

I don't believe a word of it.

I haven't seen anyone in a shell suit for at least 20 years. How the hell would you know whether someone was fed coke for breakfast?

Try harder please.

I dont actually think you are being unreasonable.

Ask your dad, explain all your reasons.

If he says no - for whatever reason - ACCEPT it. dont badger him, dont moan, then you would be unreasonable.

Nothing wrong with asking

sailorsgirl- he can take a packed lunch, as he does now. He isn't musical. There is one trip in primary that we have 3 years to save up for.

asdx2- what about extended families being 'in it together' and helping each other out? Most other countries in the world are like that.

I want his school to have the same standards of behaviour that I have at home. That's hardly unreasonable is it?

If you want to pay for your child's private schooling that's your responsibility, not your Grandfather's.

Putting aside the reasons why you want a private primary (and I am pretty at those reasons). If you can't pay for it yourself what about: out of school lessons/experiences, home schooling, finding a more suitable state primary?