Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my wife to return to work?

329 replies

Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:14

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. Our son was born in January this year. We waited a while before conceiving as we wanted to travel and basically have a good time before we had children.

My wife is an accountant and I am a senior partner in a large company. We both have extremely stressful and demanding jobs. My wife announced to me that she wants to resign as she finds her job extremely stressful and wants to stay at home to look after our son.

This is causing massive arguments because to continue the lifestyle we have we need two incomes. My wife is basically not the person I thought she was. She spends most of the day either shouting at me or crying, never does any cleaning, rarely cooks and basically devotes all her attention to our son. I have found a very good nursery for him but every time I bring it up she melts down and starts crying. She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to.

I don't know what to do anymore and I am contemplating an affair as our sex life is non existent. She is also breastfeeding which I think is impacting on her mental health as our son seems to be always on the breast.

Any advice from the female aspect would be appreciated.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:47

Madaboutquavers I have never posted on here before.

OP posts:
celebmum · 04/10/2010 21:48

christhebear.. if u are serious then i take back the biscuits. sorry.

go and give your wife a cuddle. tell her that you love her and let her know that you will support her in her decisions. like you i have been with my DH a long time, 10yrs, and have earlier this yr had our first baby, a son. like your wife i have realised that that little boy, and my DH are the most important things in the world to me right now and that nice holidays and expensive shoes can wait, we can do those things together when our son grows up. for now being there as a mummy is the most important thing now. i have a good job (a manager in a high st bank) but have decided that i want to step down and spend more time at home with my family. having a baby changes everything, you must'nt think that your lives will carry on as before but just with a little person about.

thats just MO

stropicana · 04/10/2010 21:48

Haha or Biscuit

Mumcentreplus · 04/10/2010 21:48

bear how does she feel?..have you actually asked her?..this seems all about YOU..

Valpollicella · 04/10/2010 21:49

Does she feel it's impacting on her mental health?

You are getting some VERY good advice above. Please do try to follow it

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:50

I can't be bothered to be sworn at anymore. Thanks to those of you who have offered constructive advice rather than lowlife nastiness. It is appreciated.

OP posts:
snoozathon · 04/10/2010 21:50

This would be my worst nightmare when I have my firstborn. I'm terrified about giving up work - it defines me - but I know it will be right for me and for our child. If DH stopped respecting me and wasn't patient throughout the biggest challenge a relationship can face, then he wouldn't deserve to be a father. Or to have me, to be frank.

HTH

BoffinMum · 04/10/2010 21:51

Chris, the thing that is impacting on your wife's mental health is her tiredness.

If you are so senior at work, have you considered getting a very experienced temporary nanny in for a week to help her get some sleep? £600 well spent, I think.

LadyBiscuit · 04/10/2010 21:52

She's an accountant and you're a partner at a large company you say.

Unfortunately you just fell at the first hurdle of credibility. 0 out of fucking 10 you tosser.

Today really isn't the day.

BrightLightBrightLight · 04/10/2010 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekOfTheWeek · 04/10/2010 21:52

Tbh I am quite disgusted at the amount of people who have suggested the op do overtime/get a better job etc to fund his wife.

If it was a woman posting this about her husband quitting work and expecting her to foot the bill there would be uproar.

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:52

Celebmum thank you. I really needed a female perspective. I will talk to her. I love her so very much and I know she is struggling. I think part of me is resentful. I have no one to talk to really that is why I came on here.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 04/10/2010 21:53

wouldnt you return to work snoozathon?i had nursery booked 12wk pg.always knew id return.work fulfils and defines me in a way motherhood alone cant

eventide · 04/10/2010 21:53

I am wondering if the OP has a touch of PND (men can get it too!). Feeling overwhelmed and yearning for life before kids are classic symptoms.

goodnightmoon · 04/10/2010 21:54

I think Chris has expressed a view held by many men and shouldn't be ridiculed or cursed. As someone said, the goal posts have moved, and he has every reason to regret or resent that.

a major lifestyle change should be agreed by both parties, on acceptable terms for both.

i can also understand how BFing would seem counterproductive, when she is exhausted and baby isn't sleeping well. That's a minefield for another day though.

BoffinMum · 04/10/2010 21:54

I think there are a lot of blokes out there who don't actually know how to be husbands. I'm honestly not having a dig at you, Chris, but I think in some circles it's a bit of a lost art. I can't think of a single bloke in my own extended family that would be surprised at any of the things your wife is doing at the moment, and they would all think it was quite normal (and they are predominantly rugby playing engineers).

cupcakesandbunting · 04/10/2010 21:54

"Tbh I am quite disgusted at the amount of people who have suggested the op do overtime/get a better job etc to fund his wife."

Well, if OP wishes to subscribe to so very many cliches and stereotypes then maybe he should consider the one where the father provides for his family.

Just a thought.

pigletmania · 04/10/2010 21:55

Look, does not seem like Christ is a troll, a lot of men think in this way and do not see that they are wrong unless its pointed out.

When you become a parent your priorities change a lot, and somethings have to be put on the back burner for a bit. Empathise, put yourself in her shoes. She needs you right now, she not only needs you emotionally, but physically. Have some humility, as you sound really cold and hartless. Stuff the finer things in life, your main thing is your family.

Its great that your wife wants to be a stay at home mum, seems like you can afford to do this. What better job than to raise your child and to be there for him, you should be pleased that your wife wants to do this. Sounds as though you need to go to Relate for counselling to help you both through this.

Valpollicella · 04/10/2010 21:55

Geek, I suggested overtime as if he wants the 'finer things in life' (as per his OP), then he should be be prepared to pay for them?

Not expect his wife to go back to help fund his desire for fine fripperies and holidays etc

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:57

Prior to having our son, we were so close. Our sex life was great. We have not shared a bed since our son was born. We have not cuddled. I miss her. I feel as though we are strangers living in the same house.

Wanting her to return to work is probably my way of getting some normality back. To give her something else to think about.

I feel so helpless about all of this, really out of my depth.

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 04/10/2010 21:58

It is 2010 not 1950.

Why should the father be the provider.

Imo it isn't fair to just expect someone else to provide for you.

celebmum · 04/10/2010 21:58

christhebear, go get that cuddle! i'm sure that she loves you too, afterall you gave her the most precious thing in her life! like some others on here have said, she may have a bit of the blues.. does she have a sister/mum/friend you could talk to? is baby good? do u both get enought sleep/rest/together time? (and i don't mean rudies! cuddle sna chat! Smile }
please don't think that you are alone.. i bet millions of new dads have felt like you do right now.

VivaLeBeaver · 04/10/2010 21:59

Have you told her that you miss her, that you'd like a cuddle, etc? Have you taken her out for dinner and made her feel appreciated?

BoffinMum · 04/10/2010 21:59

Can you take her out for supper one night? Just for an hour or two? Tell her she is terrific and it will all be OK?

BoffinMum · 04/10/2010 22:00

Great minds Beaver! Wink