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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my wife to return to work?

329 replies

Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:14

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. Our son was born in January this year. We waited a while before conceiving as we wanted to travel and basically have a good time before we had children.

My wife is an accountant and I am a senior partner in a large company. We both have extremely stressful and demanding jobs. My wife announced to me that she wants to resign as she finds her job extremely stressful and wants to stay at home to look after our son.

This is causing massive arguments because to continue the lifestyle we have we need two incomes. My wife is basically not the person I thought she was. She spends most of the day either shouting at me or crying, never does any cleaning, rarely cooks and basically devotes all her attention to our son. I have found a very good nursery for him but every time I bring it up she melts down and starts crying. She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to.

I don't know what to do anymore and I am contemplating an affair as our sex life is non existent. She is also breastfeeding which I think is impacting on her mental health as our son seems to be always on the breast.

Any advice from the female aspect would be appreciated.

Thank you.

OP posts:
MollysChambers · 04/10/2010 21:28

Are you for real?
If so you are a selfish twat. Grow up.

StewieGriffinsMom · 04/10/2010 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pingusmumtoo · 04/10/2010 21:29

That's the funniest thing I've read in ages .... genuinely made me lol and tea came out of my nose Wink

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:29

Thank you for the unhelpful comments. This is actually a very nasty place to be. Cheers. All I wanted was some perspective and I get insulted.

Thanks.

OP posts:
toddlerama · 04/10/2010 21:29

I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to.

Apparently, you want her to work for them too. And she doesn't want them. You need to listen to your wife and understand that having children changes people. She has bigger priorities than money and tat now. Try to catch up. She might feel more like sleeping with you.

tethersend · 04/10/2010 21:29

Leave her, you can't be expected to put up with this shit.

VivaLeBeaver · 04/10/2010 21:30

I don't think she has PND, although she could be depressed but in that situation I don't think its fair to say she has PND. By doing that you are invalidating her feelings. Its far more likely she is feeling depressed becasue she feels that she is being bullied by her husband to leave her baby and go back to work when she doesn't want to. Understanable, I'd be depressed if I was married to someone with an attitude like yours.

Having a child is a lifestyle change. If your wife and therefore your child would be happier with her been a SAHM then why is that not a good thing? If you're a partner then aren't you bringing in enough money??? If you'd rather put expensive holidays and meals out above your wife's feelings then words fail me.

I hope she sees the writing on the wall and leaves. I would - and I'd take you for every penny I could.

Tiredmumno1 · 04/10/2010 21:30

And why did you not point her in our direction, as if its true, it sounds like she needs advice and support more than you do

cupcakesandbunting · 04/10/2010 21:30

OP did miss a cliche though by failing to mention the twenty-something blonde secretary that's been making eyes at him over the water cooler.

Deduct ten points.

Fail.

MollysChambers · 04/10/2010 21:30

Lol tether.

GeekOfTheWeek · 04/10/2010 21:30

Actually, I would be pissed off if my dh decided he no longer wanted to work following the birth of our ds. I would massively resent being the only earner.

It should be a 2 way decision imo.

Re contemplating an affair. Don't be an arse.

MissDolittle · 04/10/2010 21:31

If you want things to be better then

Don't look around nurserys when you know she doesn't want to leave her baby.

Don't slag her off for breastfeeding.

Don't think that having a baby isn't lifechanging.

Don't tell her she has to go to work for your 'finer things'.

Don't be such a dick.

Be kind.

Don't be suprised when someone you don't treat very nicely doesn't want to have sex with you.

Try looking after him for a few days by yourself and see how much cooking and cleaning you get done. It will give you some perspective.

MissBeehiving · 04/10/2010 21:31
Biscuit
roomonthebroom · 04/10/2010 21:31

You are a knob. End of chat Biscuit

Hullygully · 04/10/2010 21:31

She is a damn freeloading milch cow bitch

alicet · 04/10/2010 21:32

If you want some perspective (which I actually tried to give you about 25 posts in) the I suggest you:

  1. moderate your post A LOT removing anything about being entitled, having an affair or breast feeding affecting your wife mental state.

  2. change your name

  3. post in chat instead of AIBU where you are always going to get people being blunt and often rude (even to less inflammatory ops)

droves · 04/10/2010 21:33

every mother should have the opertunity to watch her child grow up .....

....so pack your bags and move back in with your mummy .

Wink
kat2504 · 04/10/2010 21:33

pfff not everyone insulted you and tbh you deserved it.
Some of us said you need to chat with your wife and discuss more reasonable expectations.

Did you seriously expect any of us to tell you that it is ok to put "stuff" and "standard of living" and all that above the well being and happiness of your wife and baby?

A re-evaluation of priorities is in order. You are used to having plenty of money. But people in all walks of life have to tighten their belts when they decide to have children. Grow up.

MollysChambers · 04/10/2010 21:33

MissDolittle - Well put.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/10/2010 21:33

A man with this much of a sense of entitlement wouldn't post here looking for advice.
I wonder, OP, if you are actually the wife and want some ammo to kick your reactionary pig of a husband into touch?

dilemma456 · 04/10/2010 21:33

Just in case you are for real (which seems a bit unlikely from your OP).....

I think you're wife is in need of your support. Its normal for a baby to be on the breast a lot although by 8 months they would normally be on solids as well. if he's not perhaps you should sit down and talk gently with your wife about how you plan to introduce them.

It sounds as if she's exhausted and has found motherhood a shock. Are you helping her by getting up to the baby in the night, changing nappies etc? It is exhausting to deal with it by yourself believe me.

You have a young child. Eight months is very young for nursery. Why not talk to her about him starting nursery when he's 12 or 14 months with a view to her going back to work at at that stage? Babies need to be with their mothers.

Support her, help look after your baby, understand she's exhausted and may be has PND and don't pressure her to go back to work when she's not yet ready. And DON'T have an affair it will not help

NonnoMum · 04/10/2010 21:33

If you like the "finer things" in life then hiring a cleaner might be a better deal than another snowboarding holiday...

scottishmummy · 04/10/2010 21:34

good god man,her body changed over 9mth,shes tired,mentally and physically.the person who should unequivocally love and support her is you,her husband. not whine about feeling neglected

you need to separate the issues

financial - pragmatically what can you live on.what minimum wage do you both need

resentment - you seem to resent her feeding and closeness to son.you should be marvelling at this not bellyaching about diminished sex life.probably your sulky face isnt much of an incentive to her to leap into the bed for some action

nursery did you consult,involve in choice.cant just pick without her feeling good and safe about it

your sense of entitlement- having baby changes everything.get used to it, as mum you do devote bulk time to a baby, you should try it too

get a cleaner, groceries delivered,outsource all domestic chores

activate · 04/10/2010 21:37

well said scottish

stressheaderic · 04/10/2010 21:37

If this is genuine...

I took an extended maternity leave of 11 months, and will shortly be returning to my highly stressful but quite well paid job. I'm slowly coming to terms with going back. I'm not looking forward to getting up early again, the commute, the stress, the paperwork...but I am looking forward to having my own money again, good god I'm skint. I loved the first part of my leave but DD is hard work at the moment (teething, sleep problems) and I'm looking forward to a break. My partner and I have found a good local nursery which we are happy with.

I'm sorry you're having these difficulties, you really need to sit down with your wife and talk about it, how she feels, how you feel, what is best long-term for all concerned. Maybe come up with a compromise, could she return part-time? Could you? What about a nanny rather than a nursery?

Re: the affair. Don't be daft.