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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my wife to return to work?

329 replies

Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:14

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. Our son was born in January this year. We waited a while before conceiving as we wanted to travel and basically have a good time before we had children.

My wife is an accountant and I am a senior partner in a large company. We both have extremely stressful and demanding jobs. My wife announced to me that she wants to resign as she finds her job extremely stressful and wants to stay at home to look after our son.

This is causing massive arguments because to continue the lifestyle we have we need two incomes. My wife is basically not the person I thought she was. She spends most of the day either shouting at me or crying, never does any cleaning, rarely cooks and basically devotes all her attention to our son. I have found a very good nursery for him but every time I bring it up she melts down and starts crying. She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to.

I don't know what to do anymore and I am contemplating an affair as our sex life is non existent. She is also breastfeeding which I think is impacting on her mental health as our son seems to be always on the breast.

Any advice from the female aspect would be appreciated.

Thank you.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 04/10/2010 21:20

I heart Connor

alicet · 04/10/2010 21:20

Presume you're not for real since you have said one too many potentially inflammatory things...

But just to give you the benefit of the doubt...

YABVVVU with this statement: 'I am contemplating an affair as our sex life is non existent. She is also breastfeeding which I think is impacting on her mental health as our son seems to be always on the breast.' I hope I don't need to clarify why this is very very unreasonable.

However, you are not necessarily unreasonable to be upset that your wife is moving the goalposts which will impact on both of your lifestyles. Neither is she for changing in her priorities since your son has been born. What the 2 of you need to do is sit down and have a chat about what you both want from life both now and also how you see your lives going in the future. There may be a compromise to be had - eg: she returns to work part time and therefore has more time with your ds but it doesn't impact in your family lifestyle as much as it would if she stopped work altogether.

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:21

I did think pnd could be a factor but she refuses to go the GP. Would I be able to go on her behalf? ( I am ignoring the nasty comments )

OP posts:
eventide · 04/10/2010 21:21

Just in case this is for real - although I'm 99.9999999999% it's not. YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU.
So basically your wife wants to look after your child and would rather spend time with them rather than being your housemaid.
I'm not surprised she doesn't want to sleep with you. She may be exhauseted or sore or she may have realised what a repulsive and selfish character you are.

nocake · 04/10/2010 21:22

As a bloke I'd like to say Biscuit

sweetkitty · 04/10/2010 21:22

Now now ladies, they have just lost their Child Benefit as well Grin

Seriously not for real

cupcakesandbunting · 04/10/2010 21:22

I expect that your wife is also contemplating an affair. Probably with someone a bit nicer than the thing she is married to.

SparklyJules · 04/10/2010 21:22

So you have a baby and expect YOUR life to carry on as though nothing has changed?

ajandjjmum · 04/10/2010 21:22

Has it crossed your mind that you might not be the man your wife thought you were?

KurriKurri · 04/10/2010 21:22

you are either a low grade troll, or a nasty old knob.

Is your name Chris the bear, or Christ he-bear? - just curious.

TheCrackFox · 04/10/2010 21:22

Here is some female perspective - your wife would be better off without you and you will find that you are missing out on the "finer things in life" as you will be paying a hefty whack in child support, you prick.

alicet · 04/10/2010 21:22

cross posted with 24 other people writing my post who all seem to agree that this is unlikely to be for real!!!

taintedpaint · 04/10/2010 21:23

I didn't realise men this selfish and horrible existed.

Maybe they really don't....

Biscuit
scottishmummy · 04/10/2010 21:23

advice?dont be such a insensitive boorish tit.that covers it

caramelwaffle · 04/10/2010 21:24

Crash Bang Boink !!

Just too many cliches and a tad too strident - but hey, it raised a giggle here.

If this were real I would advise "man up and get a promotion - you clearly are not successful enough"

Maybe. Meh.

Tiredmumno1 · 04/10/2010 21:24

Chris i think its the affair comment that is getting to people most.

and if thats true you certainly dont deserve your wife

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:24

I wouldn't have an affair. I don't know why I wrote that. I just want my wife back. She has changed so much and I just want things to be better between us.

OP posts:
proudnglad · 04/10/2010 21:25
unfitmother · 04/10/2010 21:25

Fucking hell this can't be for real?

JaynieB · 04/10/2010 21:25

Well, in that case (lets give you a grain of 'benefit of doubt') I'm afraid that your life has permanently changed.
Your baby for the time being, and maybe forever, is more important to your wife than you.
Your wife has re-evaluated her life in the light of her new responsibilities and wants to make changes.
If the two of you did not discuss this, or even how you would approach childcare/back to work etc, then I'd be very surprised indeed given you are both intelligent people (given your respective jobs)
I guess you have 2 choices, if you carry on as you are, I doubt very much you will get your wife back as you want her and your child in nursery. I suggest you try some empathy and do some listening - that being choice no, 2.

kat2504 · 04/10/2010 21:26

I can understand your point of view but think yabvvvvu to mention the idea of having an affair.
Surely having a child is a major life change. Things will change radically. Including your standard of living.
Your child is less than a year old so it is normal that he is still breastfeeding. by the sounds of it he will be starting solids and this situation will get better. but BF is for the good of the baby so seems a bit selfish to moan.
Your wife can always return back to work. Your son is still a small baby. Surely your wife's feelings that she wants to take care of him are natural? Perhaps in 12 months time she will be itching to get back to work, and then your son will be of an age where he (and your wife) will cope better with nursery. I'm just speculating of course. But surely you can wait 6 to 12 months without "things"?
No matter how good a nursery is, there is no substitute for someone who loves you. I think it would be great if all new parents could have/share the first year between them on maternity/parental leave.
Taking care of a new baby is a full time job, so she won't have that much time for all the housework. Surely you helped before he was born? Do you have this idea she is lollling around watching jeremy kyle and this morning? Your son needs all her attention. Of course, between the two of you, you also need to work on your relationship and talking through your adjustment to having a baby and your expectations.

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:26

Ok, this is not helping me. I will not have an affair. I just need advice on how to help my wife. The title is all wrong as well. Rereading it i know I sound like a prick....

OP posts:
MichaelaS · 04/10/2010 21:26

I say have an affair.

That way when she divorces you she'll get a better deal.

ConnorTraceptive · 04/10/2010 21:26

Do you have eyelids though chicken?

acalacaboom · 04/10/2010 21:26

Now if you'd said senior partner in a large FIRM I could easily have believed a lot of this.

Sadly for you though, no matter how big pricks senior partners are, they're generally familiar with the legal structure of where they work and I've never heard one refer to their firm as a COMPANY.