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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my wife to return to work?

329 replies

Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:14

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. Our son was born in January this year. We waited a while before conceiving as we wanted to travel and basically have a good time before we had children.

My wife is an accountant and I am a senior partner in a large company. We both have extremely stressful and demanding jobs. My wife announced to me that she wants to resign as she finds her job extremely stressful and wants to stay at home to look after our son.

This is causing massive arguments because to continue the lifestyle we have we need two incomes. My wife is basically not the person I thought she was. She spends most of the day either shouting at me or crying, never does any cleaning, rarely cooks and basically devotes all her attention to our son. I have found a very good nursery for him but every time I bring it up she melts down and starts crying. She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to.

I don't know what to do anymore and I am contemplating an affair as our sex life is non existent. She is also breastfeeding which I think is impacting on her mental health as our son seems to be always on the breast.

Any advice from the female aspect would be appreciated.

Thank you.

OP posts:

cupcakesandbunting · 04/10/2010 22:00

She needs some "her" time to feel herself again.

When my DS was ten months old, DH organised a weekend away with my friends as a surprise in addition to taking DS out on a friday afternoon/saturday morning so that I could go to the hairdressers/shopping/have a bath in peace. I appreciate that I have an exceptionally lovely DH and that I am appreciated even though my income has dropped by about 80%. And that's why Mr Cupcakes gets sex every now and then :)

MollysChambers · 04/10/2010 22:01

Oh lets not turn this into a SAHM/working mum bun fight. OP's wife has every right to discuss the possibility of giving up work/going part-time.

scottishmummy · 04/10/2010 22:01

what plans did you both make pre-baby?was nursery discussed?a baby is monumental change for both of you

eventide · 04/10/2010 22:01

Whether a child is placed in childcare should be a joint decision but if one parent is dead against and one parent is all for it someone has to back down. In this case I think that if the only thing preventing the mother staying at home is going without a few luxuries this is a reasonable adjustment to make when you have had a child and when you weigh it up against the fact that the OP's wife will be miserable at work it's surely worth it.
I stay at home with my kids and DH funds us on not a great salary but we get by. Had I earned more than DH I would have gone back to work and he would have stayed at home. DH does not resent supporting us one bit. He is glad our kids have their mum with them and would much rather come home to a room full of paintings the eldest have done than an immaculate house. That's the way it should be imo.

pigletmania · 04/10/2010 22:01

Well this is normal, the sex tends to go out the window, well it did with us, with dd and her constant crying all night and extreme tiredness, hardly the perfect environment for sex, in fact my dh is still suffering 3 years on. Your wife has undergone a lot of changes in her body, carried your child for 9 month, pushed something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon, might be feeling overwhelmed herself. Talk to her. Yes visit the GP or HV.

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 04/10/2010 22:02

Well, do something nice for her - run a bath, cook her a meal, let her have a lie in - doesn't have to be a grand gesture.

But please, don't make her feel obliged to get physical. It won't help right now.

jaffacake2 · 04/10/2010 22:02

Have you told her how you feel. As this thread has progressed you have become more open about your emotions
" I feel helpless"
If you can just be honest with her about these real feelings instead of going on rants about the breastfeeding,going back to work etc,then you just might find that you can connect again as a couple.

snoozathon · 04/10/2010 22:03

Nope, I def want the first few years at home. I'll go back to work when they're at school or maybe a bit before, or poss some part-time. I have a stressful job that I give my all to - I want to devote myself to motherhood in the same way - I see it as a mega adventure.

My DH supports me and agrees it's the best way, for us anyway. I just couldn't leave my baby in the hands of another if I could help it, I have the rest of my life to work.

If DH acted like the OP I'd be in bits though :( your wife needs to know you love her even if she's not the cash cow she once was! I wish you'd discussed it beforehand but it's fair enough to want to stay at home and I guess you don't know how you'll feel til it happens, man up and look after your family. Hopefully you'll feel stronger after reading this thread - your wife is the same person she always was, and she needs you more than ever.

Original poster

Christhebear · 04/10/2010 22:03

I did take her out a few weeks ago but becahse she is breastfeeding she was on edge and couldn't relax. I miss our life together. We do have family who could provide support but she wants to do everything herself.

She really is a wonderful mother. I actually just realized that.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 04/10/2010 22:04

"if the only thing preventing the mother staying at home is going without a few luxuries this is a reasonable adjustment to make when you have had a child and when you weigh it up against the fact that the OP's wife will be miserable at work it's surely worth it."

not really. When my DH suggested that he stay at home even though we had discussed nursery care beforehand it really upset me that he thought it would be ok for me to be the main breadwinner while I stayed in work, so I can understand why the OP might find this frustrating.

scottishmummy · 04/10/2010 22:04

good now go acknowledge that to her in real life

kat2504 · 04/10/2010 22:05

obviously people's intimacy suffers in the early days after having a baby. Tiredness, sleepness nights etc.
But why are you not sharing a bed and even cuddling? Where is she sleeping? Don't pressure her for sex but try to resolve the sleeping issue. At 8 months is your son in his own room yet? Go gently gently and try to be sympathetic to her feelings. She is probably very tired with all the sleepless nights. Show her some physical affection without ulterior motive. Tell her what a great job she is doing as a mum and how proud you are of her for looking after your son so well. Make her feel good about herself and your new family.
Nightfeeding is hard. And she is doing it all, not you. In time it will be better, he will take more solids. Be patient. Try to help her through it.
Whatever supportive actions you do now, you will reap the results tenfold in a few months time. She really needs a supportive partner right now. Again, be patient, be supportive, try to make her feel good, show her you love her, don't put her under pressure.
Then talk about the work issues. They have to take second place at the moment. First of all concentrate on adapting your relationship to your new role as parents. If she sees that you are supportive and understanding, things will be much better between you.

Valpollicella · 04/10/2010 22:06

Geek, afai can see she isn't expecting him to be a 'provider'. OP has admitted that he wants the salaries they had before the birth of their child as he likes the finer things in life.

MadAboutQuavers · 04/10/2010 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

GeekOfTheWeek · 04/10/2010 22:06

No interest in the sahm/working debate.

I feel that forcing someone to provide for you is wrong.

Being a sahm/sahd is not a right imo, it is a mutual decision that both parties are happy with.

Rollmops · 04/10/2010 22:07

OP, if you are a man then I am Nelson Mandela.
[Yaaaawn.... they just never learn.]
Not troll hunting as it would be futile exercise, rather obviously.

pigletmania · 04/10/2010 22:07

Keep telling her how great she is, and show your appreciation. Yes talk to her, tell her your feelings. Do nice things for her, and hopefully she will feel that she can open up. Like you she is probably ovewhelmed, tired, emotional.

VivaLeBeaver · 04/10/2010 22:07

I think its normal to be on edge when leaving the baby is new. Keep taking her out, keep telling her that you love her and thats she's a great mum. Everything else will fall into place.

Original poster

Christhebear · 04/10/2010 22:07

Kat2504 she is cosleeping which again, I support. She says it is the only way she can get a decent nights sleep.

I have just realized how selfish my post sounded. I am very ashamed of myself but I am slowly getting my head round this. Thank you.

OP posts:

tribpot · 04/10/2010 22:08

Not just breastfeeding my friend - it is very normal to struggle to go out. Her life has changed out of all measure. Yours hasn't, but it can, and should.

She needs to be supported, as do you. It isn't going to be the life you thought it was - all parents have to realise that. You can't continue your previous lifestyle - deal with it. You've made a choice - we will help to support you on that road, but you can't unmake it.

GeekOfTheWeek · 04/10/2010 22:09

Val, if he is earning and she isn't then he is providing and paying the bills.

Mumcentreplus · 04/10/2010 22:09

once again I notice this is alot about YOU..speak to her..don't dictate conditions..work it out together thats what it takes..forcing someone to do something they are not ready for..ultimatums and affairs destroy good families and lives..she needs you and you need her..I'm sure there may have been times when she supported YOU when you needed her..now is your time..

eventide · 04/10/2010 22:12

Well it helps that me and DH were reading from the same page on that score. DH was cared for by his dad as his mum had a very well-paid job and I was cared for by my mum. We both think it's really important for a parent to be at home with very young kids and see it as an as big, if not bigger, contribution to the family as working. I do think that if the OP would prefer for his wife to be miserable than to cut out a few luxuries then that is mean and I could not live with a man like that. And that's without the gripes about the cleaning and lack of nookie!

Original poster

Christhebear · 04/10/2010 22:13

Madaboutquavers you are an extremely rude individual. I have come here asking for help from a female perpective as I have no female friends and all you can do is insult me. I have never posted on here before so I don't know what you are talking about. Have you nothing better to do?

OP posts:

cupcakesandbunting · 04/10/2010 22:13

Cheers Quavers!

So, what is OP's raison d' etre for being a trolling twunt? I understood the motive behind the porn thread but this one has bamboozled even me.

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