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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my wife to return to work?

329 replies

Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:14

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. Our son was born in January this year. We waited a while before conceiving as we wanted to travel and basically have a good time before we had children.

My wife is an accountant and I am a senior partner in a large company. We both have extremely stressful and demanding jobs. My wife announced to me that she wants to resign as she finds her job extremely stressful and wants to stay at home to look after our son.

This is causing massive arguments because to continue the lifestyle we have we need two incomes. My wife is basically not the person I thought she was. She spends most of the day either shouting at me or crying, never does any cleaning, rarely cooks and basically devotes all her attention to our son. I have found a very good nursery for him but every time I bring it up she melts down and starts crying. She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to.

I don't know what to do anymore and I am contemplating an affair as our sex life is non existent. She is also breastfeeding which I think is impacting on her mental health as our son seems to be always on the breast.

Any advice from the female aspect would be appreciated.

Thank you.

OP posts:
annec555 · 05/10/2010 22:40

I will apologise for troll-thoughts! I was just about to post my first ever "Troll! Ta-da!" type post based on the fact that I have never heard a bloke use the very proper terms "co-sleeping" and "baby led weaning" - all the dads I know just call it "having the baby in bed" and "giving the baby proper food".
However, the OP's recent post has pulled the rug out from under my troll-hunting feet. I remain a troll-hunting virgin.
Good for you OP.

scottishmummy · 05/10/2010 22:49
  1. ?tosh?
  2. ?Unfortunately you just fell at the first hurdle of credibility. 0 out of fucking 10 you tosser.?
  3. ?If you'd been real I would have given constructive advice. But you aren't, so I won't?
  4. ?The OP is absolute bullshit - he would never have referred to his and his wife's jobs in those terms if they really had those jobs so the rest is absolutely steaming. But good on everyone who gave him advice??
I don't like dishonestly. HAHA that?s priceless given you havent read his posts properly
  1. ?My choice is to let people know that this wasn't a real scenario so that they weren't wasting their time advising someone who wasn't real.?
  2. This is a load of tosh
  3. You are a troll or a prick
  4. TROLL!!!!!!!
  5. you are either a low grade troll, or a nasty old knob.

pretty comprehensive troll calling and name calling.

pigletmania · 05/10/2010 22:49

Christthebear that's great, I am pleased for you, good on you for admitting you need help. I do agree that though your original op was a bit Hmm and did make you out to be a complete twat, you have learnt a valuable MN lesson, to think about how you word things and re read what you write. Good luck to you and your wife Smile

SirBoobAlot · 05/10/2010 22:52

Glad to see you back, Chris, and well done for making the first steps. I think that it would be a good idea for you to seek counselling for yourself as well; if for no other reason then it gives you someone to rant at every now and again!

Please don't feel ashamed of what you have said. It is better to get it out online in the heat of the moment, then calm down, reflect, and talk rationally with your wife than go to her all guns blazing.

Hopefully you'll stick around here and find some support for you and for your family.

Take care, now.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 22:54

< checks list >

nope, none of my comments on there

and I do feel there is a difference between calling someone a troll, and calling them a twat

he is a twat, has behaved like a twat

just because he has had some kind of overnight epiphany and changed into a model husband who completely understands his wife's position (ahem), even though last night he was threatening to go off and shag other women, doesn't change that fact

whether he is troll, or not, is a different issue

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 22:56

or perhaps we should apologise

chris, I am really sorry that you were a twat

I was (and still am) more sorry for your wife though

happy now, sm ?

BoffinMum · 05/10/2010 22:58

AF, stop being so rude.
Chris, good lad. Keep up the good work.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 23:02

I have said my piece, BoffinMum

"chris, good lad. Keep up the good work"

< rests my case >

Mumcentreplus · 05/10/2010 23:03

come on..he must know he's TWAT thats not a major insult imo..considering his original post...actually i'm being kind!!..lol

galonthefarm · 05/10/2010 23:03

from the troll patrollers maybe??

on reflection I was hoping not...

IMoveTheStars · 05/10/2010 23:14

FFS... if you don't agree with a thread and think it's a troll just fucking report it and ignore?

SirBoobAlot · 05/10/2010 23:14

AnyFucker are you honestly saying you or your other half (if relevant, I don't know) never looked at your lives post-birth and thought "What the fuck have I done?" and had a series of totally irrational, cruel and crazy thoughts about your other half / the baby / life in general?

I think you must be one in a million if so. (Well you are anyway, but y'know Grin)

FluffMacDuff · 05/10/2010 23:26

Agree that the OP was staggeringly obtuse...

Christhebear, Parenting is tough, no question but getting on the same page as your wife is the best start you can make. I really recommend that you read Affluenza by Oliver James, about how to reconnect wth what really matters and learn to value what you've already got.

And They F* You Up (same author) about family relationships and how to break destructive patterns.

Good luck.

bronze · 05/10/2010 23:46

I suspect your wife has got her eyes on the finer things in life, just her idea of finer things are not material.

Good luck with the continuing realisation of what it takes to be a good husband and father.

SpeedyGonzalez · 05/10/2010 23:47

Chris, you may have adopted some of your father's more objectionable qualities but you are also a good sport! I think it's admirable that you've been so candid about your flaws (and that you were able to laugh at some of the hilarious posts taking the piss out of you!). It may be a stereotype but IME men are more likely to try to cover over that stuff. So all credit to you for admitting how horrific your first post was!

I think the way you've responded to this thread shows real promise. I do hope you can keep up the momentum. If things start to flag, you can always refer back to this thread to give yourself a kick up the backside and get you back on track.

I really wish you and your wife and son the very best.

KurriKurri · 06/10/2010 00:12

Oh - I see I'm on SM's list.

If the Op is not a troll, I apologise for suggesting he is. I still maintain his OP was inflammatory and very unpleasant in tone, but if he has as he says discussed the problems with his wife, - good luck to then both.

People get wound up when it sounds as if someone is being very unfair to their partner, hence some vehement replies. - I will admit mine was a bit 'post first reflect later' but I don't retract my feelings on the way the OP came across.

Troll-hunter suggests someone whose entire mission is to scour the board looking for possible trolls, as opposed to someone who reads an OP and concludes on this occasion it does not appear genuine. Bit of over generalisation going on I feel.

Maybe crying 'troll-hunter' is the new sport, and no one is allowed to express scepticism any more.

eventide · 06/10/2010 00:17

There there OP you've admitted you're a tosser so it's all OK now.
And as for warning people not to say hurtful things - HAVE YOU READ YOUR OP!!!! You sound borderline abusive imo and anyone who didn't point this out would have been doing a huge disservice to your wife.
The only good thing about this thread is that it makes me feel massively lucky to have my husband. He doesn't earn massive salary but he 100% puts me and the kids before anything else and I know which I would prefer.
I hope, for the sake of your family, that you actually are taking a long hard look at yourself and not just saying that to defend yourself from the inevitable backlash you've received.

eventide · 06/10/2010 00:20

Oh and the jury is still out for me as to whether the OP is genuine - most people seem to think it is now as a result of the u-turn from the OP but that could just be them trying to string it out a bit longer - who knows how these people work.
Or it could be completely genuine - I don't know for sure and neither does anyone else.

jameelaq · 06/10/2010 01:32

ooooer that is a bit off and you sound a tad insensitive mind you you married her so you'd better learn to take the rough with the smooth and try being a little less materialistic, ooooer

LittleMissHissyFit · 06/10/2010 01:33

"Oh - I see I'm on SM's list." ... Kurri

So WHAT? she is just gnashing her gums, if it bothers her so much there is always the HIDE THREAD button, but to sit there and snipe, all the while not actually contributing... yeah right.

must be so sharp from all the splinters or sommat...

Oh and scepticism IS allowed, cos we have a Hmm

PosieParker · 06/10/2010 07:14

Anyone reading the OP would think troll, afterall who wants to believe there are men like that who think like that????

altinkum · 06/10/2010 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 06/10/2010 08:09

SirBoobaLot, if my DH had ever articulated any of the toxic opinions in the OP, he would no longer be my husband.

A fleeting thought (this isn't fair, what happened to my life etc is one thing and we all do that) but his OP was cold, calculating and contained just about every red flag of either 1) someone posting inflammatory shit for max effect or 2) a totally cold and insensitive twat who didn't deserve his nice life, wife and family

so, vitriolic responses totally justified

and no, I don't believe someone who felt so strongly and described his utter contempt and selfishness so perfectly in the OP would have a total turn-around in 24 hours, following a some "wtf??" posts from a few witches on Mumsnet

Mindovermatter · 06/10/2010 08:37

Speakly as a Mother with baby I can safely say that having a baby changes EVERYTHING, im very alarmed about how my relationship has changed since having baby. Problems started after hubby went back to work after maternity leave, nothing can prepare you for how a baby can alter the status quo.

Does your wife ever have a break?
Is she always exhausted?
Do the two of you ever go out together?
Have you paid her any compliments since having baby?
Do you make her feel valued?
Do you make her feel sexy and pretty even when your not asking for sex?
Do you resent her being a SAHM?

Ask yourself these questions, thin long and hard!

cupcakesandbunting · 06/10/2010 09:59

I think he got off lightly. Probably because he's a bloke and at the first sniff of Old Spice, even hardened MNers become silly, giggling girls Wink

Also, wtf is all the moaning re: calling troll about? There's threads on MN where people are getting called parasitic cunts for being :( about losing their CB. That needs addressing. Not people expressing disbelief at a frankly ludicrous thread.

I still love ScottishMummy though.